a short film featuring rain (not the Korean pop singer, but real rain, as in water falling from the sky)

While You Were Sleeping: the seductive sight and sound of rain.

I heart.

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

“Does it break my heart, of course, every moment of every day, into more pieces than my heart was made of, I never thought of myself as quiet, much less silent, I never thought about things at all, everything changed, the distance that wedged itself between me and my happiness wasn't the world, it wasn't the bombs and burning buildings, it was me, my thinking, the cancer of never letting go, is ignorance bliss, I don't know, but it's so painful to think, and tell me, what did thinking ever do for me, to what great place did thinking ever bring me? I think and think and think, I've thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it.”

“Being with him made my brain quiet. I didn’t have to invent a thing.”

“The meaning of my thoughts started to float away from me, like leaves that fall from a tree into a river, I was the tree, the world was the river.”

“We laughed and laughed, together and separately, out loud and silently, we were determined to ignore whatever needed to be ignored, to build a new world from nothing if nothing in our world could be salvaged, it was one of the best days of my life, a day during which I lived my life and didn’t think about my life at all.”

“Our laughter kept the feathers in the air. I thought about birds. Could they fly if there wasn’t someone, somewhere, laughing?”

“I shook my tambourine the whole time, because it helped me remember that even though I was going through different neighborhoods, I was still me.”

“Humans are the only animal that blushes, laughs, has religion, wages war, and kisses with lips. So in a way, the more you kiss with lips, the more human you are.”

“I like to see people reunited, maybe that’s a silly thing, but what can I say, I like to see people run into each other, I like the kissing and the crying, I like the impatience, the stories that the mouth can’t tell fast enough, the ears that aren’t big enough, the eyes that can’t take in all of the change, I like the hugging, the bringing together, the end of missing someone…”

“I hated myself for going, why couldn’t I be the kind of person who stays?”

“You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.”

-Jonathan Safran Foer

St. Nick

My email to Nick:
I want these for Christmas. I'm a size 6.5 Thanks Nick. You're the best! ;)


First, I heard a gasp (I believe from looking at the $945 price).

Then, here was his reply:
Judging from what I heard about last night, Ms. Liu, you've been a naughty naughty girl. *Shakes head* You're getting the Payless knock-off of those Manolo's for Christmas… ...Pity

You have to imagine him saying it waving his finger with all the sass in the world. It's a good thing Nick is here. It makes working quite enjoyable.

After a weekend of...

• battling allergies and sounding like a bullfrog
• phone tag with Awk :(
  
• Street Scene (thanks to JJ, we were able to watch Spoon and Beck backstage. Beck was amazing. Stupidly, I didn't charge my camera battery the previous night, so my camera died right before Beck came on. Boo. But, I think I was able to enjoy the show more. Watching the crew set up the stage was one of the most efficient things I've ever seen in my entire life. 15 big guys and no one running into someone else. I was in awe. I also liked watching the audience during the show. Everyone looked so happy.)
  
• ice-skating (for Andrea M.'s birthday. A glorious night of sequins and spandex. The theme somehow became "Bad" - as in Michael Jackson - on ice. It was pretty fantastic.)
  
• the Dead Crow (a "saloon" in the backyard of the guys' house. They built a saloon on their patio with swinging doors and everything - including a Tom Selleck picture. It oversees a canyon and was quite nice. However, the highlight of the night was the dance-off.)
• Flood Church (not too big, but still bigger than what I'm what used to. I liked the pastor and all the various ministries at the church.)

it's a Sufjan Stevens day :) I can't wait to go home after work and fall asleep at 8 p.m. (Don't call me after 8 Johny!)

Cut

I keep forgetting I cut my hair and get a little weirded out when people at the office stare at me. Then, they finally say something and I'm relieved they're not weird. And, I eventually feel like the goober for forgetting that I pretty much cut off 2/3 of my hair.

I'm thinking of going shorter.... Hmm, I think I'm getting myself into a dangerous habit.

My place.

As soon as I walked in, I knew and *felt* it was my place.

• studio apartment
• on 8th (I just keep moving closer to Whole Foods; I've now gone from 4th to 6th and now 8th in Hillcrest. Oh, and the place is closer to my yoga studio.)
  
• hardwood floors
• open, and not too small
• sky light
• separate bathroom and kitchen
• an ironing board that comes out from the wall!!!
  
• an ice box!! (the place was built in 1929; there's even a secret door for the ice man to drop off the ice. I'm kind of bummed it won't get used.)
• a murphy bed (for guests :) )
• and here's the thing that sold me - a nice walk-in closet. It's not that big because the space is shared with the murphy bed, but there's a large shelf on top. I immediately envisioned all my shoes in their happy homes sitting pretty on the shelf.
  

My first place alone.
I feel like a grown-up.

Radiohead & Reading

I had the absolute pleasure of attending a Radiohead concert. It was simply amazing and the best concert I've attended in my entire life (thus far). JJ and I kept turning towards each other after EVERY song to say, "That was amazing," "This is unbelievable," "This is an amazing concert". We knew we were experiencing something special during the entire concert. The night started out as a fun night because we went in JJ's '63 Chevy, his pride and joy. The car is pretty rad and has a crazy stereo system. JJ happened to have a Snoop Dogg CD in, which baffled the Radiohead fans waiting in line to get in. As we passed by, I think they were first confused by the music, then the car, then the two people sitting in the car. I wish I would have taken pictures of some of the facial expressions. Once we got in, it was excellent people-watching. Radiohead fans are so diverse. JJ and I just sat on a bench and made up stories about people as they walked by. THEN, the magic happened: JJ's hook-up escorted us to the pit. From this moment on, I was 100% giddy.

They started the set with 15 Step. I love that song. My favorites in the show: All I Need, Nude, Where I End and You Begin, Climbing Up The Walls, Just, Paranoid Android and Videotape. They ended the whole show with a super long version of Everything in its Right Place. Pure perfection. I was on a music high for the next couple of days after the show.

***
If you have some time, I highly recommend the following books:

• Sex, Drugs & Cocoa Puffs: witty look at pop culture (there's a chapter analyzing 'Saved by the Bell' - it's pretty fantastic)
  
• Killing Yourself to Live: road trip visiting places where rock stars died
• The Complete Maus: graphic novel about a holocaust survivor's son documenting his father's story
• American Splendor
• Dreams From My Father: It turns out Obama's a good writer too. :)

Selling my soul

I've been putting off this public relations project for a long time. Months. My first deadline was April. Then, my second deadline was before I leave for Korea.

After returning from Korea, I had hoped that this project would magically and wonderfully disappear, but of course, it did not. The real reason why I didn't want to work on this project was because it's a public relations fluff piece for a program that I don't agree with. JJ has warned me about this: "You know Liu, you're going to have to do things you don't like and don't agree with at this office... It's just the way it goes. I have to do it all the time, and it just makes me work harder on our other programs." JJ does get caught up in it way more than me simply because he does more politicking. I guess it's not that bad... I've been here for over a couple of years and this is the first time where I've felt forced to do something I don't agree with. I think JJ's been protecting me.

Anyway, back to this project. So, Steve finally gave me a REAL deadline of the end of August. I procrastinated and now today, I hate myself. I hate having to only write about the positive aspects of a program when I can only see the negative facets.

I'm working for the man.
Today's one of those days when I really question how long I can last in this place and I find myself thinking about South Africa a lot.

Ugh.

It's not me,
it's you.

Don't worry.
I would never say that to anyone.

Hmmm, what have I been up to?

It's been a love-filled couple of weeks. I feel quite blessed and happy.
Although, it has been quite sad without Kristine. BUT, the goodbye gave us an excuse to be extra gushy and hold hands for longer. This, I enjoyed.

***
I dog-sat for Roxanne, a friend/co-worker for three weeks. Her place was awesome because it has high ceilings and her art is displayed everywhere. My mom said it reminded her of "Rear Window" because all the studio apartments had big windows and you could see into all the homes. Mama Liu said she thought the people who lived there felt a sense of community because you could see other people although you didn't interact with them. I thought it was a valid point.

The best part about staying at Roxanne's place was Stella. It was love at first sight. Roxanne saved her from a shelter a while ago. She thinks Stella was abused when she was younger because she's terrified of people, especially men. Although, she strangely seemed to like Drew. The stranger part was Dr. Drewlittle kept insisting we call her Choco because she's the color of chocolate. Stella eventually liked Johny too, but I think it was because he serenaded her. She never warmed up to Mark even when he was trying to do his 'Dog Whisperer' stuff. Either way, I think Stella has become a lot more social and less scared. Whenever we would go on our walks and she would act super scared of someone walking, I would say, "Stop acting weird Stella!" and she would actually stop. I'm sure if someone actually saw that little interaction they would think I'm very weird. Oh well.
***
Paul Oh happened to be in San Diego yesterday. He wanted to see the public art along the harbor. I think he's the only other person in this world who loves seeing those sculptures as much as me. It's fun when friends can admire art together.

Quote of the Day

Nick (to Kristin when she interrupted him talking to me): This is a conversation between a rake and a shovel. No hose allowed.
Kristin: You're calling me a ho?

I heart The Submarines.

(thanks Drew)

Say what you will
Love finds you even when,
You've given it up

Everybody deserves to be adored
Why would you settle for less
When the world gives you more?

Lunch with the AmeriCorps* Crew

Mama Liu came to the office and had lunch with the AmeriCorps crew. She was pretty excited about meeting the DA and Assistant DA. But, she was mainly happy about seeing JJ because she adores him. If it was up to her, I would work at the DA's Office under JJ for the rest of my life.

It was fun watching her interact with JJ. I realized that my mommy is pretty funny. She has wit and is very opinionated. She definitely expresses those opinions. My favorite part was when she was all up in JJ's business and told him that he should read the Bible.

Then, JJ shared an interesting thing he learned the other day:
JJ: You know, the other day, I saw on T.V. that when people who keep in touch with family and garden or do some sort of little exercise, they live longer. I think it's just a better life that way.
Mama Liu: So, people talking to family and friends and gardening, and you must add reading good books.
JJ (embarrassingly shocked because he's not much of a reader): Oh, I'll have to remember that one.
Mama Liu: It's better if you read the Bible. (This is the third time she's mentioned to him within a 10-minute conversation.)

Weeks o' Fun

Last week's highlights:

• playing every night,
• seeing Kristine and/or Sharon every night,
• meeting Jimmy of The Album Leaf,
• the grilled cheese sandwich at the Starlite Lounge,
• slumber party at Mark's,
  
• hanging out at the beach.

Last week's lowlights:

• staying out every night past my bedtime and going to work the next day,
• Sharon moving back to Orange County.

This week's highlights:

• Mama staying with me for her birthday week,
• going to the farmer's market with Mama,
• hanging out with Stella (the cutest dog ever.).

This week's lowlights:

• Mama not liking Stella,
• Mama not going to my yoga class with me,
• Mama fell and hurt her ribcage.

Tonight, we're going to MOCA. Tomorrow, the Del Mar Horse Races! And The Bravery! I can't wait to see my mom at the concert.

My mom leaves me notes in the fridge.

It’s not the most common place for the exchange of notes, but it’s actually quite effective. I never miss the notes. Usually, the notes relate to food I should eat, food I should take to SD and/or the temperature of the house (close the window, leave the windows open, turn the A/C off, etc.). She also usually draws smiley faces and they’re really cute because the face is really round and the eyes are squinting.

I visited my mom at church this past Saturday because she’s a Sunday School teacher for the nursery department. I’ve been hearing about her students ever since she started teaching about a month ago. She finds it so fascinating that these two-and-half-year-old to three-year-old kids have such unique personalities. I felt like I already knew them when I first met them on Saturday. They were so much fun and it was indeed so interesting to watch them all interact. One kid just observed all the other kids. I wondered what he thought. It was more fun watching my mom interact with the kids because she doesn’t talk to them like they’re kids. Overall, Saturday was a day of much laughter.
***
I saw a couple of white butterflies around the plants outside my mom’s place Sunday morning. I like butterflies and they made me smile. Then, I drove down the road and noticed there were white butterflies everywhere along the side of the road. I figured it was a Lake Elsinore thing. But, the whole way to church along the freeway, I saw these white butterflies flittering around so free and happy. Ok, maybe they weren’t happy, but I like to believe so. At one point, they were flying towards my car and I was simply amazed. I surprised myself with a giggle.
***
August is full of goodbyes. Heidi’s leaving for Korea. Kristine’s leaving for Michigan. Sharon’s leaving San Diego. I’ll still get to see her, but still… I will miss them all terribly.
***
It was one of those weekends when I was filled with gratitude. There’s so much to be thankful for.

Even walking to work today, I felt overwhelmed with wonder and gratitude.

quotes from pals

JJ:

• “I watched ‘Love Story’ when I was four years old at the drive-in and I was sitting there in the backseat all alone, grieving by myself.”
• A few people whistled at JJ at the gay pride parade – “At my age, any attention is good. Fuck it.”
• “One day, we’ll watch some news conference with the DA on TV, see the press room in the background and remember how we were up in that room talking shit.”

Jonathan

• "I just study all day in the back room with no light. I'm like a troll. A troll with a really good vocabulary."

Irene

• At Comic-Con: "Yeah, so guys will come up to me and tell me, 'you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen'. I awkwardly say 'thaaanks' and think 'you're weird'. They've probably only seen like two girls in their life, so the compliment isn't even legit."

Smiles of a Summer Night

Men are horrible, vain and conceited. They have hair all over their bodies.

I laughed.

And then the summer night smiled for the third time. For the sad, the depressed, the sleepless, the confused, the frightened, the lonely.

I felt wistful.

Pleasant San Francisco Moments

• the car ride from the airport to Mon's place when Andrew (Mon's roommate) and Pete (Mon's boyfriend) had a conversation without even understanding one another. It was absolutely hilarious. I was sitting in the front, so I could tell which word each person misheard. But, it didn't even matter because the conversation would continue. It was like they were speaking different languages, yet communicating. Absolutely hilarious.
• lying in bed while reading and hearing a gentle knock. "Your tea is ready," says Andrew. We had a pleasant morning drinking tea and talking. I watched him roll up his joints, he got stoned and turned on "That's Entertainment 2". I think it's great that he believes that Fred Astaire is a true baller.
  
• date night with Jenn. We had a nice time reflecting on life at a classy bar.
• people-watching at the Hustler Club. It was so interesting.
  
• meeting Johny (who really spells his name with one "N"!). He was great fun.
  
• exploring the Frida Kahlo exhibit at SFMOMA. Her work exudes sadness and beauty to me.
  
• lots of silly moments with Mon and the rats.
  
• walking around the city.

I simply enjoyed spending time with Mon. We laugh so much; I really appreciate that.

Oh, Nick

I told Nick what Charlotte said in response to his comment regarding my death tree (It's okay. I'm sure your paper will go in a lovely sketchbook. This warmed my heart), and here's what he said:

I guesssss.
Either that or what I was thinking was like toilet paper.

What am I going to do with this boy? He sort of reminds me of my past tutor kids. He'll ask me how to spell things, what certain words mean and I find myself responding to him the same way I used to with my tutor kids:

• Nick, look it up in a dictionary.
  
• I don't want to enable you.
  
• You're a bright kid Nick.
  

July Jubilee!

If you're going to San Francisco
Be sure to wear some flowers in your hair
If you're going to San Francisco
You're gonna meet some gentle people there

I can't wait for:

• playing with Mon.
  
• consuming lots of chocolate while drinking a glass of wine with Jen (Mon's friend/ex-roomie) as we talk about everything and nothing.
• watching fireworks on Friday.
• museums galore!
• fun picture-taking opportunities.
• visiting Mon at her new place of employment, the Hustler Club. That'll be interesting.

As soon as I get back on Monday, it's off to supervisor training for AmeriCorps in L.A. I look forward to learning, taking notes and a lot of free time by the pool. I hope I get everything I expect.

The following week, I'm off at Grief Recovery Training. Luckily, the DA is not going. Now, I only have to bear my soul with 10 other co-workers. Actually, I'm looking forward to the training and JJ thinks it'll be good for me. I believe him.

Yep, that's right. I'm out of the office for half of the month in July! It's pretty rad.