2006/2007

When I reflect upon 2006, I think of regrets, disappointments, pressure and stress. I didn't necessarily experience anything tragic or sad according to the world's standards, but I went through some kind of internal struggle in 2006. It wasn't a good year. It wasn't a bad year. I learned new things about myself and others. Learning is always good. The means to my lessons may have not been so good.

However, I'm taking the lessons and looking to 2007 to start anew. I think I still need to process, but I'm in the process.

I ended 2006 in a state of being that pretty much reflects the year: sickness. I know that I have a pretty weak immune system, but I don't remember such a year of sickness as 2006. Yesterday, I wavered back and forth in deciding whether I should go to church or not. I decided to go not necessarily to worship, but to say 'goodbye' to Kristine and Charlotte before they both left for the east coast.

Pastor Ty, a guest speaker, spoke about forgiveness. Unforgiveness blocks the power of the Holy Spirit. Unforgiveness blocks the power of our prayers. Unforgiveness becomes a cesspool - a perfect breeding ground for bitterness, rage and anger - in our hearts. Forgiveness is not about forgetting. Forgiveness is not saying that what the other person did was okay. One can't wait for the other person to apologize before forgiving. He also said that unforgiveness can even negatively impact one's physical health.

I never thought of myself as a bitter person who holds grudges, who never forgives. For the most part, I think I don't have the right to forgive because I may have just been hurt, not necessarily wronged. It's all still a bit unclear for me and I need to think about this some more. During the time of prayer when Pastor Ty asked us to pray a prayer of forgiveness with someone in mind, I simply sat there. I felt a few tears, but I didn't know for what or for whom.

I talked to Mama Liu about the sermon. I was encouraged and touched by my mom's attitude towards my father. If she can forgive, why can't I? I don't really even feel justified in my discontent towards my father, yet I feel it and I can't seem to stop it. However, I really want to surrender this to God this year. We'll see what happens.

I feel excited about 2007. I think it will be a year of forgiveness and healing. I am thankful that I can be forgiven because I forgive. I can forgive because I am forgiven.

hope always.