The cure

I couldn’t fall asleep Thursday night. I stared at the ceiling of stucco and thought that without my glasses, the little bits of stucco were barely visible to me. I thought, ‘I need a new prescription’. I stared and stared trying to make out a few little bits, but eventually closed my eyes again in frustration. I plopped over on my stomach with my face in the pillow. I remembered I used to do that a lot when I was a kid. There was something excitingly refreshing about taking a breath of air after mildly suffocating in one’s pillow. Why is holding one’s breath such a fun challenge? Is it because we think we’re playing with death? Do we feel that we’re in control of life and death?

I digress.

My face was buried in my pillow. It was getting harder to breathe. I turned my head to the side and appreciated the cool breath of air that slowly spread to my lungs. It’s amazing how one can feel that when the air is extremely hot or cold. My shoulders were beginning to hurt so I bent my knees and stretched my arms forward with my head balanced on my pillow. I think it’s some kind of yoga position. I brought my arms into my chest and squirmed around to get fully under my blanket. I felt so warm and safe. I realized that I hadn’t prayed on my knees for quite some time. I decided to pray. It had been so long, I didn’t really know where to start. So, I didn’t start. I just stayed in the same position for some time. The word, “forgive” started floating around in my mind. I tried to dismiss it, shoo it away, but it cleverly dodged my efforts. The word started getting bigger and bigger. Then, I thought, ‘why not? Why not forgive?’. I think I expected some ‘aha’ moment or dramatic moment of enlightenment, brokenness to lead to forgiveness. It’s simply a decision.

The time leading up to this decision may have been a process and filled with such dramatic moments. I prayed to forgive for what they did and how they made me feel. It felt real and cleansing to list how they made me feel because I think I tried to forget about that. I was swallowed by guilt. The prayer wasn’t especially long, verbose or eloquent. I didn’t cry. My heart and head didn’t feel tingly.

I inhaled the cool air as I came out under my covers. I imagine that’s how my soul feels.

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There must be quite a few things a hot bath won't cure, but I don't know many of them.
~Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

I took a bath on Saturday or Sunday night. I think the water was too hot. I always do that. Taking a bath is relaxing for most people. It’s absolutely exhausting for me (mainly because the water is too hot). I end up feeling purged and faint. I like that feeling. It’s the complete opposite of taking in a deep breath after pillow suffocation. The feeling after a hot bath is release. I feel weak and hollow. I like that feeling, just as much.

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I finished Anderson Cooper’s book. It was an easy read, but I couldn’t read too much at one time because it’s a bit depressing. It’s a different kind of depressing from novels because it’s true. I liked it. I recommend it to anyone who might just have a weekend of nothing to do. You can finish it in a couple of days. As he documents his accounts of Katrina, Somalia, Kenya and other places, he interweaves his own story and struggle with pain. He was intrigued by and attracted to stories about war and conflict because he didn’t know how to deal with his own pain. Overall, it’s a fascinating and enlightening read.