XDR-TB

The World Health Organization will hold an emergency meeting tomorrow and Friday to deal with a tuberculosis crisis in South Africa. They're finding deadly strains of XDR-TB, extreme drug-resistant TB that are virtually untreatable with standard drugs. The high rates of HIV in South Africa exacerbate the crisis.

I always feel so overwhelmed when I think about the people of South Africa, but I always try to remember that God loves them more than I do. When I read about XDR-TB, my heart sank. The suffering in Africa makes no sense to me. I don't understand how we, as the world can allow all the suffering to occur in Africa or in any other part of the world. I suppose we have to do our part as opportunities arise.

Could you take a couple of minutes to lift up a prayer for South Africa?

Remaining hopeful,
Grace

Cluttered Thoughts

• the sun drains. I went to RJD (the men's prison near San Diego) again today. A bee landed on my shirt and I nearly freaked out. Julie (an analyst at the D.A.'s office) thought it was odd: You walk confidently around this place, talk to murderers, but you're scared of a bee. Julie reminds me a lot of Marianne. It's scary at times. She has an interesting perspective of me and what one should achieve in life.
• speaking of achievements in life. I was offered a public information position at the D.A.'s office. It's a long story, but basically, I'm not 100% sure I'm going to get it because I showed a lack of enthusiasm the first time it was offered to me. People in this office don't show much sympathy for those who actually have to think things through before making a decision. I feel torn because I know in my mind it's a great opportunity, but I couldn't help but freak out as Gail (the Communications Director) described the job to me. Scenes from The Devil Wears Prada flashed across my mind. At this point, I'll probably take the job if they still want me because it's a challenging and learning opportunity. I think I'm just tired of people telling me that this is the best opportunity that can come my way at this stage in my life and that I'm foolish for not being excited about it. I can't help it if this position doesn't make me giddy.
• I had a nice heart-to-heart with Jules after EM service on Sunday. It was nice and comfortable. I admire Julie's soft and warm heart.
• I like playing with Doojin. We had breakfast on Sunday. We can talk about nothing and everything.
• Johny was in Lake Elsinore on Saturday, so we played. It was neat and kind of strange hanging out with him in Lake Elsinore. I felt a little exposed and vulnerable. I drove him around the lake, Main St., my old schools and my old houses. It was odd driving around to my old houses because I never went back once I moved. I had mostly happy memories at some houses and really terrible memories at a particular house. As I stared at the house I hated, I felt overwhelmed by the events that took place in that house. I wonder who lives there now. Are they happy? I hope so. That house holds so many memories. Whenever I see or go inside an old house, I always wonder about all the people who once resided in the house and what happened. So many stories.
• I tutored Harrison and his younger brother, Harold yesterday. Afterwards, Harrison's mom, my mom and I started talking about marriage. Harrison's mom and I have a lot in common. As I listened to her thoughts about marriage and how she felt before getting married, I noticed many similarities. I think I might call her up sometime and talk to her some more.
• Please watch Little Miss Sunshine. I cried. I laughed.
• I watched Annie Hall again. I watched it a long time ago when I was too young to understand or appreciate it. I really like the movie. I think it may be one of my top five favorite romantic comedies. My mama likes movies, so we watched AMC a lot when I was a kid. I think she thought that all movies on AMC were okay for me to watch because they were old. She thought that older movies weren't inappropriate for a kid to watch compared to movies these days. When I think about it now, I watched a lot of movies that were inappropriate for me to watch. It's a good thing I have such terrible memory.
• Whew. I wrote a lot. I also wrote "a lot" a lot. I realized that as I was writing, but decided not to worry about it. My mind feels less cluttered. Sorry you read this all. Hopefully, my next entry will be less disorganized.

Dear Reader,

I remember when I first learned to write letters. I wonder why the greeting is "Dear".

I left my Bible bag at my mama's, so I'm Wordless this week. This has led to more thinking and meditating on verses I've memorized (which makes me realize that I need to memorize more verses).

I realize that my life is so good. I felt overwhelmed by that thought this week. I even tried to think about my current struggles and what not, but the good overwhelmingly outweighs the bad. No matter how difficult or challenging life is, nothing can taint the beautiful truth that there is love, hope and joy in God.

As I thought about the good in my life, I can't help but be so grateful for the friends, siblings in my life. I grew up as an only child. Although I have three half-sisters, I consider myself an only child. I wonder about them at times and it makes me sad; yet, I feel that I don't lack in family at all.

I am thankful for..

• a big sister who loves me no matter what and can see absolutely no wrong in me. I think her love for me is greater than any love my three half-sisters could collectively ever have for me.
• a big brother who teases me out of love, always comforts me when I cry and seems to speak a perfect language that my soul easily discerns.
• my sister who may be more Korean inside than me. She teaches me to be honest, vulnerable and brave.
• a little sister who understands the inner workings of my mind and emotions. We can share any and all embarrassing feelings and thoughts. It's amazing how our souls mirror one another.
• my other big sister across the country. I can feel her love from thousands of miles away. Her wisdom and encouragement inspire me so... She fuels my idealistic dreams.
• all my friends who are family to me: friends who make me wacky and silly, friends who hope, friends who are brilliant, friends who challenge...
• you.

My mama always fears that I'll be left alone when my parents have passed away. I am thankful that I can't even imagine that.

Love rise up

The Ugandan government and Lord's Resistance Army signed a truce Saturday. The LRA went on local radio to announce that as of today, their war is over and they will stop fighting.

We still need to pray for Uganda... for Africa.. for the world. Let's pray for healing. Let's pray for light. Let's pray for joy. Let's pray for dancing.

Album of the day: David Crowder Band's A Collision

Hope rise up.

Mystery Moments

I read a portion of a story in The Best of Sherlock Holmes last night. I couldn't finish it because I fell asleep at 9. I don't understand why I'm so tired. I eat healthy foods, I exercise, I'm not consuming any coffee. Maybe I'm still catching up from the retreat? I don't feel that I should be so tired from the retreat though because it was more rejuvenating than tiring. I can't wait to finish the story tonight before I fall asleep.

I also read John... I don't remember.. last night. I read the part where Jesus washes the disciples' feet. I wanted to do the last QT from the retreat book that we didn't get a chance to do. One of the points in the lesson was that the disciples acknowledged Jesus as their teacher and Lord. This made me reflect. I definitely think of Jesus as a teacher, but is He really Lord of my life? I learn so much from Jesus, but do I obey and worship Him as my Lord and Savior? How different would my life be if I truly lived as Jesus as my Lord? I have to think on this some more.

As I was preparing my lunch this morning, I thought about moments. I know I talk about this all the time, but here are a few more thoughts. I like moments. I enjoy them. I wonder if it's possible to enjoy every moment. Can I enjoy this moment - cleaning my strawberries and packing them in tupperware - just as much as I enjoy a moment sitting at the beach and burying my feet in the warm sand? As I thought about it, I realized that I do enjoy those seemingly mundane moments just the same and I can similarly enjoy every moment in my life. It may be difficult to enjoy every single moment, but I will try my hardest.

It's about being joyful and thankful in all situations. At this moment, I'm thankful that I work in an air-conditioned facility able to enjoy my Green Machine Naked Juice while listening to Joni Mitchell. I'm joyful because God has a plan and I can trust Him.

Every moment is enjoyable because it exists.

God Loves You.

That was pretty much the theme of the youth group retreat this past weekend.

I went to the retreat with a student's heart - eager to learn, hang out and worship as a family. The speaker was very anecdotal and it was a bit difficult at times to find the lesson or main message, but in the end that worked out as a positive. I talked to a few students about the retreat and they also felt they didn't really learn as much as they thought they would, but in the end it only made them more hungry for the Word. Overall, I was so encouraged by the students. I learned so much from them.

I loved...

• watching Ben and Andrew rock out during praise.
• watching our FPC youth group worship freely.
• praying with the students.
• the testimony sharing time - hearing about how God is moving.
• QT in the morning sitting on a rock and closing my eyes as I looked up at the sun. I really love that orange glow. It warms my soul.
• watching the youth group kids welcome my innocent tutor boys from Murrieta.
• small group with the 13th and 12th grade girls. They even woke up earlier than the other students so we could have more time for QT sharing because they know that they talk a lot and they didn't want to be late for breakfast.
• watching Brian Kim eat.
• bonding with DChon.
• praying with Mansoo. Why is that kid so sweet?
• staff meetings. The youth group staff is amazing. I'm always so humbled and challenged by the hearts of the teachers. They're so devoted and full of love. It truly was a privilege to serve with them.
• meditating on the fact that God loves me. I've heard it so many times, yet I think it's been a while since I've actually understood it. I'm not sure if I fully do, or if I ever will. I want to actualize that thought.. truth in my life.

God loves you.

Such a simple statement filled with power that leaves me in wonder.

Coffee Tombstone

Visitors
Andrea's friend, Adam is visiting from Seattle and staying with us. He's been here for a week now and we've had a few good conversations. I think Andrea and Adam complement one another quite well.

Kris, her friend Eleanor and Michael came to San Diego yesterday for the Death Cab for Cutie concert. Kris and Eleanor actually had tickets. The venue was outdoors near the harbor behind the convention center. People sat on the lit convention center steps, hung out near the rocks along the harbor and a couple of people rented little boats and were floating in the water near the concert. Michael, Adam and I sat along the harbor to simply listen. However, it got windy and very cold, so we moved over to the convention center steps. I enjoyed listening to the music from afar. I liked staring at the lights because I like light shows. Plus, the volume was perfect for relaxation. We could enjoy the music and still carry on conversations. I had a splendid time.

Throat/Stomach/Esophagus Issues
My throat hurts again today. I think the cold yesterday may have started some kind of sickness chain; however, I will devote the rest of today and tomorrow to hydrating myself to rid myself of sickness. That's the plan. My voice keeps changing because of my throat/stomach/esophagus issues. I feel like a boy going through puberty, except I'm skipping the voice-squeaking phase and jumping right to my voice sounding deeper. Actually, I think I sound raspy. Gross. Anyway, my doctor was supposed to call me today and tell me the results of my Monday barrium exam (which I do want to share about, just not now) but he hasn't called yet. I'm taking it as good news. I figure if it was anything serious, he would have called by now. So there you have it, coffee is not killing me.

Quotes -> Idea.

I went to the San Diego Council on Literacy yesterday because Marianne had to help them with their database. Marianne is the program coordinator for the Literacy Intervention Program. I'm going to be filling in for her until her replacement comes in November. As I was waiting, I read a book, a compilation of quotes from learners and tutors about their experiences. Each section addressed a different aspect of literacy. One section described how illiteracy affected people's health. A mother overmedicated her child because she couldn't read the prescription.
The book helped me realize how much of our daily activities involves reading. We read so much everyday.

In another section, the learners explained why they wanted to learn how to read. Most of the adults wanted to learn for their children. But, one learner said,

I am 72 years old. I want to read the Bible.

I paused after I read the line. I re-read it a few more times. I tried to understand the learner's heart, desire, passion and courage to do something challenging for God's sake. The line challenged me.

Sometimes I dream about starting a non-profit focused on literacy. I think it would be amazing to improve literacy through expression. The learners would learn to write and they would write about what they know best: themselves. They would write narratives or maybe just short sentences or letters about their experiences, dreams and hopes. I get giddy when I imagine reading everything.

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I like the following quote:

The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become.
- Charles DuBois

Follow your bliss

It's exciting to think about our church growing and maturing. I remember Kim MSN always encouraging us to run with horses. We've had kingdom-mind/heart-themed retreats for the past three years. I feel that we've been talking about growing for so long. It's exciting to learn practical lessons we can apply to truly be a church as God intended church to be.

Blissful moments:

• discussing blissful moments with Ames, Angie, Jane and Laura.
• singing praise songs with Dan, Ames and Aria.
• Aria busting out with the hand motions to "He's Changing Me".
• heart-to-hearts.
• talking about hope.
• speed scrabble.
• making fun of Sam for creating ridiculous new words. He's so lopey.
• laughing at Friendrew for creating ridiculous new words.
• watching Kristine practice breathing for swimming.
• washing off the pool saltiness in a nice warm shower. Why was the pool so salty?
• Mina being superstitious and flipping out.
• laying in bed listening to Jane describe her exciting dream that involved a theft, mystery and sombrero.
• watching Angie in the bouncy house.
• jumping in the bouncy house.
• taking notes with my new thin brown pen.
• Sunday worship service: As we sang "Did you feel the mountains tremble?", my imagination began to run wild. All the images were so vibrant in technicolor. I imagined the students at the Islamic boarding school in Indonesia singing their hearts out. I saw children in North Korea smiling and laughing. I saw the people at my homestay village in South Africa dancing upon injustice. I was overwhelmed by joy. It was more than bliss.

Open up the doors and let the music play,
Let the streets resound with singing,
Songs that bring Your hope, songs that bring Your joy,
Dancers who dance upon injustice.

So here we go.

I watched Punch-Drunk Love last night. It's the first time I've seen it after watching it at the movie theatre when it came out. I really enjoyed the art and music.

I have a love in my life. It makes me stronger than anything you can imagine.

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I started reading Ezekiel again because not reading it for its depressing subject matter is a stupid excuse. I think I'm finally getting to the hope section of the book. God keeps leaving windows of opportunity open for the Israelites to repent and come back to Him, but they keep rebelling against Him.

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Before Sunrise/Sunset: Okay, it's getting quite ridiculous how obsessed I've become over these two films. I can't wait to get paid, so I can purchase them. The thing is I probably shouldn't purchase them because I need to save up money for our move. Therefore, I'm getting my fix by reading the scripts. I'm so crazy.

If there's any kind of magic in this world it must be in the attempt of understanding someone sharing something. I know, it's almost impossible to succeed but who cares really? The answer must be in the attempt.

Weekend Update

• Jane's Wedding: It was beautiful. Jane was glowing and couldn't stop smiling. I caught the bouquet. It's such an odd feeling. I saw the bouquet coming straight at me in slow motion and it just plopped into my hands. I think I heard the 'plop' sound in my head.
• After party: It was just about to get boring when we started playing pictionary. After we ran out of paper, Diana suggested that we play charades. The task: imitate an object in the room. Jane Bang was a perfect electrical socket.
• The Viewing Pt. 1: Ames, Dan and I finally had our viewing of Legends of the Fall. Please don't ask why. That movie is hilarious. Actually, it was hilarious watching the movie with Ames and Dan. I recommend you watch the trailer for the movie if you want a good laugh. It's so dramatic. I can't wait for our viewing part 2.
• Breakfast with Sero: I heart Sero. She asked me if I would consider living in France, which is odd becuse it's one of my dreams (to live in France for a couple of years spending hours at cafes) and I've never mentioned it to her before. Pastor Roy told her that a huge part of the ministry in France is conversing with people. Sero suggested just going to college campuses and talking to students about God, challenging their beliefs and stimulating their minds. That sounds exciting to me.

Overall, I feel incredibly tired because of lack of sleep, but I feel good. I think it's because I've been surrounded by neat people this past weekend. It's fun to connect, reconnect with people.

Weather Changes

The weather is messing me up. Humidity, heat, cold, rain... I woke up yesterday with a sinus headache and felt nauseous the entire day. I couldn't go to sleep until 1 a.m. (which is late for me). I had the recurring dream where I've been ditching my math classes and now I'm completely behind and unprepared for the final. Actually, it was a bit different this time. I had enrolled in two math classes and was trying to juggle the two. I failed miserably and felt stressed the entire dream.

At least it rained. This makes me happy.

Bad/Good

Bad:
I think I may be getting sick. This is coming too early. I usually get sick after retreats, but I really shouldn't even get sick after this Youth Group retreat because I'm not even teaching a seminar or anything. I have my girls for small group. I haven't been to a single meeting. I'm terrible, I know.

Good:
I didn't get good sleep last week. I fell asleep at 7 last night. I woke up at midnight thinking it was morning. I went back to sleep so happy because I realized I had 7 more hours to go. I got 12 hours of sleep. I feel so well rested.

...

I miss playing with Ames and Dan. Hopefully, we can have our movie viewing this Sunday.

...

I was following a case next door at the courthouse. Marianne and I saw some of the testimonies and closing arguments. The guy received the death penalty.

I went to a sentencing today for three of the Mexican Mafia prison gang members.

...

I want to go to the beach.

...

WoW, this post is so boring. I apologize.

A good talk

with Doojin:
It always delights me when Doojin and I hang out every so often. We talk about what we're learning, our worries, our classes, etc. Doojin has become one of those people I can meet anytime and feel comfortable talking about silly fears or my family issues. He took me to Galaxy Hamburger. The place was so neat with pictures of astronauts. The breakfast was yummy and I think I ate more than Doojin (I'm proud to say).

with Diane:
Diane and I were in the same small group a while ago. We ate lunch together and caught up on how we're doing spiritually. Diane always inspires and challenges me. She constantly puts herself in difficult situations to test herself and grow. I admire her heart to become more like Jesus.

with Charlotte:
I'm so happy Charlotte is in town. She looks so Sex-and-the-City fantastic! I simply heart Charlotte. We had a nice passionate talk about global warming. It was quite rejuvenating.

with Michael:
It was a pleasant surprise, a good time of clarification and understanding. I learn a lot from Michael. I am grateful for the lessons to come.

with Andy:
We played ping pong at Paul O.'s house and caught up in each other's lives. Andy and I have a nice encouraging supportive friendship. We're happy when the other is happy, sad when the other is sad. It's nice.

A Day at the D.A.'s

Marianne: I always won the Easter hat contest.
JJ: I always won the Easter dance concert.

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When JJ was younger, his parents and neighbor's parents would make all the kids gather and dance for them. They were always the Jackson 5 and JJ was the youngest, so of course, he was Michael. It cracks me up when I think about little JJ in his white Easter suit and white shoes doing the "I Want You Back" dance. I wish I won dancing contests when I was younger.

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JJ and I were in his office when Marianne walked in giddily holding her ipod and said, "Grace, remember what we were going to have JJ do?" I didn't remember. JJ and I just stared at one another. Marianne finally found her song. She held her earphones up so that we could hear the oh-so-familiar opening of " I Want You Back". Marianne and I both smiled at JJ. He knew what we wanted.

JJ stood up, moved over to the 2.5 feet of open space in his office and stepped perfectly to the Jackson 5 choreography. It was ... awesome.

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Marianne: Hey, Grace. Look at me.
(I look over and see that Marianne has put her earphones on her eyes. She's squinting really hard to keep them in place.)
Marianne: My eyes are playing music.
(Cyndi Lauper's "Girls Just Want To Have Fun" is blaring from Marianne's eyes.)

Studying Stones

There's never been an endeavor so strange
As trying to slow the blood in my veins
To keep my face blank
As a stone that just sank

I like small, smooth, grey stones from the beach that perfectly fit into my hand.

Teach myself to see each of us
Through the lens of forgiveness

It's an Ani Difranco day.

Song of the day/past few months for me: Lag Time. I'm too slow. Must fix quickly.

Interesting read(s)

The New York Times Op-Ed article: "He Who Cast The First Stone Probably Didn't". It made me think. He discusses pain and the idea of retaliation, revenge, etc. He wrote that "we usually give more pain than we have received", which I think is true. Here is an excerpt:

Research teaches us that our reasons and our pains are more palpable, more obvious and real, than are the reasons and pains of others. This leads to the escalation of mutual harm, to the illusion that others are solely responsible for it and to the belief that our actions are justifiable responses to theirs.
None of this is to deny the roles that hatred, intolerance, avarice and deceit play in human conflict. It is simply to say that basic principles of human psychology are important ingredients in this miserable stew.

I think I want to read his book.

Oh, and try to search for the article this woman wrote about how Shamu saved her marriage.

Oh, and there's also an article in the Times about finding the best taco in California. King Taco is mentioned.

I wish I worked for The New York Times and wrote brilliant articles.

Nice

Beer delivery guy on the street makes eye contact with me, smiles
I smile
(Smiles are so nice)
Beer delivery guy: Hi.
Me: Hi.
Beery delivery guy: You look very nice.
Me (surprised): Thank you.

A simple compliment. It wasn't sarcastic or sleazy. It was sweet and genuine. I started thinking about all the little things that make me smile. I haven't thought about my list in quite some time. I encourage you to think about your list.

Let's all do/say something nice for someone today, preferrably a stranger. Perhaps a simple smile will do. I think it will be nice.

Recently...

Visited:

• Portland, Oregon: loved it! It's so green and they have recycling bins everywhere. Plus, there are so many roses and they all smell so wonderful.
• MOCA, San Diego Downtown: enjoyed the Tijuana exhibit. It inspired me to start a craft project. I called my mama and asked for my Craypas set of oil pastel crayons. She thought I was crazy.

Saw:

• Born Into Brothels: sad, beautiful, inspiring. I want to take pictures.
• Pirates II: mindless gluttonous fun.
• The King: well-made. I felt nervous the entire time. About what? I don't know. I'm not sure if it was meant to be so suspenseful, but it was for me.
• Before Sunrise: all dialogue set in real time. It's my dream come true: meeting a stranger in some foreign country and discussing anything from spider webs to pet peeves to fears to joys. It's interesting to watch the beginning of a relationship.
• Before Sunset: sequel to Before Sunrise. all dialogue again set in real time. I have a feeling these two movies are my next big purchases.

Thought about:

• Connect-the-Dots coloring pages: I enjoyed connect-the-dots coloring pages. Although the page was initially filled with a bunch of seemingly arbitrarily placed dots, the dots became a part of a picture that made sense once I drew the lines. I was attracted to the idea of making sense out of something that didn't seem to make any sense at all. I mostly feel like I'm staring at a bunch of dots when I reflect on my life, people, the world. After watching the two Before films, I began thinking about people in my life and connections. Getting to know someone is exhilarating. I absolutely enjoy it - discovering new ideas, thought processes, perspectives. As we throw out all our thoughts onto a huge blank wall, I imagine all the thoughts coming together, forming dots, vertical, horizontal and mostly diagonal lines. This entity becomes a vibrantly colorful abstract connect-the-dots composition.

It is well

with my soul.

We studied Job in Bible Study yesterday. I want to be able to say "It is well..." in all circumstances. I think that only happens when I stop focusing on myself or asking God "why?" and start considering who God is. Once I start thinking about God's mercy, grace, love, magnanimity, I and the question "why?" become so trivial. I'm so grateful that God is always the same. I'm so grateful that I can hope in Him.

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My high school senior english teacher made us write letters to our future selves in five years. I had my letter addressed to Sue's house because I wasn't sure where I'd be at age 23. Sue and I got together Saturday, had lunch and read our letters. Most of my letter was pretty silly and I could tell that I really didn't want to write the letter. I basically went through Mrs. Williams' guidelines and answered all the questions in an outline form.

It's interesting to notice what I expected of myself: hopefully you are single (check. It's funny because Sue wrote that she hoped she was married.), have a job or at least an internship (check), live in New York (hopefully in the near future). I was pleasantly surprised to read the advice I gave myself five years ago. Its relevancy shocked me. Well, I suppose the advice could relate to my life at any stage:
Stay focused! Smile. Have a consistent walk with God. Be humble and don't be afraid to love. If you haven't accomplished everything you thought you would, it's okay as long as you're happy.

After our fabulous lunch and trip down Memory Ln., I decided to visit the Steiner's. It had been way too long since I saw Sue's family. I drove by the lake and remembered our crew days. I loved rowing out to the middle of the lake. I would just sit and daydream. I drove through Main St., our little downtown in Lake Elsinore. I remembered our visits to the City Council meetings. We had to shadow a city council member for a day and I remember we discussed what we should do about development and Mom-and-Pop stores. I had no idea that Lake Elsinore would soon become just like any other suburbia. It saddens me. I also drove by my old houses... moments I'd like to forget flashed across my mind. I passed by Machado Park and remembered I took tennis lessons for a few weeks when I was 7. That's so weird - me playing tennis.

Okay, back to the Steiner household. It was nice to see everyone. Reed and Neil (two of Sue's three younger brothers) are so big. Will Park (was in ASB, one of the few Korean kids at my school) came over and we chatted for a little bit. It's always so warm and comfortable at Sue's place.

We were both so dissatisfied with our letters that we decided to write another letter to our future selves. We'll be 28 when we open them. That seems so far away, but I know it'll smack me in the face so soon. I wrote more about how I felt now so I could remember at 28. I think I made a short to-do list for the next five years. Oh and this time, I wrote about all the people in my life and what I predict for them. That was quite fun.

As I left Sue's place, I felt so full... just happily and refreshingly full.