Moving On

I finally feel settled in our new place. Well, I feel settled in my room. I lit a few candles and bought a few tuberose stems. The room feels like my own. My walls are still empty, but that will take some time. The move went pretty well. Johny came like a knight in shining armor in his brand new black truck. I realized that I’m weaker than I thought. This was a sad realization. I need to lift weights or something.

I like our new place. I think it was a good move and I feel that it marks some sort of transition for me. Maybe I’m being silly and unnecessarily giving the move meaning and significance, but I feel that it somehow makes a difference for my mental and emotional well-being. I do know that we had a lot of tough times at the old place, so maybe that’s what I’m happy to leave behind.

Andrea and I went to the Farmer’s Market yesterday. I absolutely enjoyed it. I will definitely be going every Sunday. The produce was a bit expensive, but so delicious. Everyone gave free samples; Andrea and I almost got full just eating the samples. I ate so much jam. They market was mostly food, crafts and art. It reminded me of my farmer’s market Saturdays in London.

We then went to the beach. It was delightful because it wasn’t too hot and the water wasn’t too cold. We played in the water for a little bit, then slept and read on the beach. A couple of Andrea’s other friends came along as well. It was nice because we didn’t really talk too much. We all read our own books. We must have looked quite boring, but I felt so comfortable and happy.

A group of young people (possibly college students) who came from church (they mentioned this) sat near us and talked about calories, how to diet and other meaningless things. It made me think that sometimes it may be best not to talk at all if the conversation is so empty. I had one of those, “Wow, that’s what I must sound like” moments. I can recall empty conversations I’ve participated in and it’s so pointless. I guess they’re fun, but in the end, it’s just so empty. I’m going to try to steer away from now on. I guess I can’t really help it if those around me participate, but I don’t want to contribute. I got a glimpse into what that looks like from the outside. On the way home, one of Andrea’s friends said “Yeah, and they were Christian kids.” It was embarrassing. It reminded me that I should be careful with my words.

After the beach, we went to a friend’s housewarming party. Maren was an AmeriCorps volunteer, but was hired as a Communications Director at Survivors of Torture International. She’s so kind. Her house was amazing and the company was great. We discussed what kind of environmentally-friendly lawn mowers we should all use. Andrea and I boasted about our new eco-friendly mop and cleaning supplies. Maren’s housemates grilled a tofu hot dog and it exploded into this strange thing. It’s hard to describe, but I definitely won’t be eating tofu dogs for a while.

Coming-of-Age Writing

I watched 'A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints' today. I like the way Dito Montiel wrote and directed it. I mostly like the way he wrote the screenplay and the transitions between the past and present. So, I was talking to Ames about how I lked the movie and she directly asked me, "Did the main character guy go home?" I was so dumbfounded by the answer: "yes". I can't help it. I'm a complete sucker for coming-of-age movies, especially the ones where the troubled, young man goes home, reconnects with old friends, falls in love with a quirky girl (who redeems his tormented soul) and he becomes a whole person. Well, Dito Montiel's movie is definitely not that. Well I suppose certain parts... I suppose 'Garden State' is the perfect example. I even watched 'Elizabethtown', which was horrible, simply because of the plot. I know. I'm gross. I had some hope though because it was Cameron Crowe. But, I couldn't get myself to watch the Adam Brody version because that one looked worse than 'Elizabethtown'.

As I thought about other coming-of-age stories that I enjoyed, I couldn't help but notice that all of them were male-dominated : 'The Catcher in the Rye', 'Stand by Me', 'The Sandlot', 'Igby Goes Down', etc. Wait, there is 'The Bell Jar' by Sylvia Plath, which is definitely in my top 3 favorite books list. If I ever do actually write, like really write, not just on napkins and scratch pieces of paper, I would like to devote at least one story to a coming-of-age story with a female protagonist. I'm sure they exist, but I'm just unaware. The thing is, I think there's more of an appeal for the broken guy with issues story than the messed up girl with issues. Guys feel that they can relate to the guy with issues and they think it's cool to be this dark intense character; girls want to fall in love with the broken guy because they think he's emotionally intense and deep and feel that they can be the one to understand him. How often do you hear of guys who want to date an emotionally messed up girl and desire to be that 'one' who reaches out to her? Plus, if there's a female protagonist, it's most likely perceived as chick-lit or a chick flick. I would hope that guys would read my stuff too. Hmmm, I'm going to have to think on this some more and work on a solution. Why can't they both have issues and be equally complex? Why do they always have to end up together even? Okay, that's a separate venting post for another day.

Going back to 'A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints'... I thought it was so brave of Dito Montiel to write the memoir and direct the film because it's about his life, family and friends. He reveals them exactly as how he perceived them. There's a sense of vulnerability there. He's allowing everyone to experience everything through his perspective. His family and friends will see how he viewed them. I think it's so honest and brave. I wonder if I could ever do that. When I think of characters in my head, they're combinations of the people in my life. I've never thought of actually trying to capture the entire person into a character. I steal little aspects. So why not actually write about the people in my life? It would solve the whole name issue. I find it hard to think of names for characters. Embarrassingly, this is often the cause for writer's block for me. I digress. My first reason for not doing this would be that I'm not an interesting enough person to be the main character. I'm really not a complicated person. Secondly, I'm not sure that the people in my life would appreciate being written about. But, I do believe that the people around me are interesting enough to be captivating characters. Maybe I should ask them.

Quenched African Soul

Thanks to Markus, I had a couple of tickets to Femi Kuti's show at the House of Blues last night. Femi Kuti is a Nigerian political/social activist singer-songwriter. His album, Fight to Win is awesome. I highly recommend it. A couple of featured guests are Mos Def and Common. I gave the extra ticket to Jonathan. JJ and Michelle (from work) decided to come to the concert as well. JJ actually knew of him and repeatedly said that he was an intense performer and that there would be spirits. Jonathan and I teased him about that throughout the day.

The music was amazing. African beats are quite tricky and it’s difficult to dance to at times, but it’s such an amazing experience to look around and see everyone moving. There’s really no wrong way to dance. I was reminded of the African dancing at South Africa and how I felt so free to move however I wanted. At the concert, I felt that my entire being was filled with music. I almost thought I was seeing and feeling those spirits JJ kept mentioning, but I think I was actually feeling the second drink. The band was fantastic because they continuously danced as they sang and played the trombone or trumpet.

After the concert, they opened the lounge section which turned into a club scene. JJ says, “Whatever happens when we go out, we gotta keep to ourselves. That’s the rule.” But, I think this portion of our night is best summarized by Jonathan: “That was like a history lesson. I’ve never seen moves like that.”

was the day when

Saturday was the day when...

• my tutor kids proofread their papers without me having to ask them: Usually, the kids just hand over their papers to me as soon as they dot the last period. They throw it at me like the paper has some sort of highly contagious disease. I usually have to say, "You wanna read over it before you give it to me?" For the first time on Saturday, they stopped themselves before handing their papers over to me and read over their paragraphs. I couldn't help but smile so big as I watched them correct their spelling and grammatical errors.
• Quanch Squad reassembled: They were uber rad, of course. If only... maybe one day...

Sunday was the day when...

• I attended a meeting to discuss translating and editing dictionaries to send to North Korea. It looks like it's going to be a big project.
• Johny, Dan and I ate dinner and dessert together. Great company, nostalgia, fun conversations... I like.
• I drove back to San Diego with Andrea. Towards the end of the car ride, we were both so delirious. I don't remember driving from Encinitas to San Diego and Andrea was talking about nonsense.

Monday was the day when...

• I interviewed with Big Brothers Big Sisters - the Amachi Program (mentoring program for children of the incarcerated). The interview was an hour long! I guess it makes sense. They want to make sure I don't mess up some kid's life.
• I went to lunch with the bosses. I learned that when you go to lunch with the bosses, everyone ends up paying too much and somehow the person calculating the check ends up with a profit. The Communications Team's lunches were all paid for and we ended up with $20.

Today, Andrea and I are going to enjoy the nighttime zoo festivities. I'm a bit tired, but I think I'll be uber jazzed once I get to the zoo.

I've been thinking a bit about my future these days. I have a three-year plan in mind for staying here in San Diego, then going back to school. But, I wonder if I can last that long in one place. On the other hand, I fear that won't be enough time to take care of my family and take care of my student loans. Hmmm... Plus, what should I study? Law School? International Relations? Photography? Creative Writing? Film School? Really? Eeek! I get excited and scared thinking about it all. I suppose I at least have one more year to not seriously think about it.

This Week

was quite full.

Highlights:

• Nighttime zoo! They have new shows. I especially enjoy the one where the trainers demonstrate how they teach the animals different fun behaviors. The zoo is a little scary when it's dark - too many mysterious sounds, but I still enjoyed it.
• Justice at the Hall of Justice: Drew and Justice came to SD. Mark came over and we all went to Mexico for yummy tacos. Although the Rite Aid ice-cream afterwards was delicious, I still wish we could have eaten churros. The next day, I gave Drew and Justice a tour of the office. They even got the "kid tour" from Steve, the DA's administrative assistant.
• Harry Potter: I enjoy the movies. Andrea and I watched the Order of the Phoenix last night. I think I might try to read one of the books. I remember Heidi tried to get me to read the first one when it came out like 10 years ago, but I couldn't get into it. I think I should start from the sixth book because the fifth movie piqued my curiosity.

I played every night this week. I feel tired in a nice way. I can't wait to take my 6-hour afternoon nap after tutoring tomorrow morning.

On repeat: The Ma Fleur album by The Cinematic Orchestra. Just can't get enough.

Watched Transformers

• Why/how is Optimus Prime so cool?
• The special effects were uber neato. I could have just watched the transformation for two hours. Uber rad.
• How come Bumblebee wasn't a VW bug? I guess that wouldn't have worked out since GM sponsored the movie and all, but still...
• That Even Stevens boy is so handsome.

Watched/Listened to The Decemberists w/ the LA Philharmonic

• 'Twas amazing. The LA Philharmonic was splendid.
• Fun company+ good music = pleasant night.
• Wake up at 7 a.m. to tutor + concert ends at 11:00 p.m. = sleeping Grace at Johnny Rocket's.

Quote of the day

"The Old Testament is like the religious 'Harry Potter'"
- Mon talking about the adventures in the Old Testament.

Hmmm,

it has almost been a month since I posted anything. I didn't realize.

So, you know that I like to write in bullet points... Here are the updates/highlights of the past month:

- Visitations! Thank you to all those who have visited me in the past months, it's always such a joy. I haven't been able to even begin to feel lonely. I truly do appreciate the visits.
- New/Old job: I am now an "official" employee of the county of San Diego, working at the District Attorney's Office. It's strange. I still basically do the same thing - work on the Prisoner Reentry Program and Literacy Intervention Program - but I'm also doing some more media-related writing, so this is exciting. I think I might soon get to start pitching short articles to community papers. Eek.
- Movies: I've watched a lot of movies recently, mainly because we have Netflix. 'House of Sand' was beautifully shot and the acting was stellar. I, of course, enjoyed 'Paris, Je T'aime'. 16 short films by 16 different directors. Stories all set in Paris. How could I not love it? 'For Your Consideration' was hilarious. I LOLed throughout the movie. 'I'm a cyborg, but it's okay' is a romantic comedy directed by Park Chan Wook (director of 'Old Boy'). The story was so-so, but it was a visual treat.
- Mind: Last week was a bit difficult because I began to feel really tired again. When this happens, I feel overwhelmed by everything. I hate that uneasy feeling of hanging on. I don't have a very strong grip. But, yesterday I slept. A lot. Maybe too much. Today, I feel better. I want to be productive today.

I'm going to the swap meet with Andrea today, then we're going to watch 'Ocean's 13'. We had a good creationism vs. evolution talk yesterday.

Song of the day: "All the Words" by Kutless. Strangely, I heard it during a Scrubs episode. I was surprised to hear a Christian song on the show. I like the way they used the song. I like it when shows/movies use music well. It makes me happy. I think I've watched movies simply because I liked the music in the trailer. I can think of two movies immediately: 'Garden State' because of "Let Go" by Frou Frou and 'Closer' because of "The Blower's Daughter". I digress.

Okay, I'm off to start my day.

Overwhelmed

purged:
to rid of whatever is impure or undesirable; cleanse; purify.
exhausted:
To wear out completely.
To drain of resources or properties; deplete: tobacco crops that exhausted the soil.
To use up completely: exhausted our funds before the month was out.
To treat completely; cover thoroughly: exhaust a topic.
To draw out the contents of; drain: exhaust a tank gradually.

I feel all of the above.

I attended a conference about North Korea this past weekend. I haven’t had time to process anything yet, but I’m excited for what is to come.

my anthem for now:
Get ready to send the years
Of guilt and shame away
The years of failing
The years of nailing up yourself
To a cross you can’t bear
That’s why He was there

What a beautiful day
When He washed all our sins away
What a beautiful day

Pro/Con

The pros and cons of today:

CON:

• Doctor examinations: peeing in a cup, being poked at, feeling embarrassed because the doctor knows my insides.
• Sunny, hot weather.
• Feeling overwhelmed by work.

PRO:

• Flowers from my sweet little brother waiting for me at my desk.
• Thinking about getting on a plane tomorrow and attending the conference about North Korea. I'm excited to learn.
• Feeling happy today.

smile.

It was nice to spend time with Ames. She was a good sport going to the zoo with me. The zoo is one of those places (along with art museums) that makes me smile. I appreciated Ames trying to communicate with the animals. She even spoke Indonesian to the animals from Indonesia. I wish I could have video-taped that.

I took the bus today. It's always interesting when I take the bus. People who ride the bus are such characters. I wonder where they're coming from, where they're going, what their houses look like, what they like to eat, etc. Anywho, as I got off the bus, a man so warmly said, "Have a great day." I usually hate the word "great". It's such a dead, meaningless word. I cringe and draw a huge "X" on this word when any of my tutor kids use it in their writing. But, he said it so genuinely and warmly. I couldn't help but smile. Then, he said, "Never lose that gorgeous smile." It was nice.

Andrea and I had a good heart-to-heart. I'm so blessed to have her as a housemate. She made me this wonderful drink - warmed up soy milk with honey and cinnamon - to help me fall asleep.

As I sip this comforting drink and listen to 'Gracie Mix vol. 5', I feel grateful and smile.

God knows
I've been taking a lot without giving back

Plant Story

I have this idea for the movie I'll never produce. I envision three characters, ther lives intersecting, witty banter, blah, blah, blah. I don't really have any sort of plot in mind, just characters and settings. I won't go into details about the characters; if you're curious, ask me and maybe I can tell you the stories in my head.

Anywho, I thought that I would show a little bit of the characters' attributes through plants. For example, the yuppy do-gooder would buy fresh flowers at the weekly farmer's market and proudly display them throughout her house. The sarcastic smart-ass would have a cactus garden. A friend gave a cactus to this character for every special occasion (Christmas, birthday, Easter, Flag Day); the friend thought it was perfect because cacti are low maintenance. However, the character manages to kill a consistent flow of cacti. Actually, I sometimes think of a completely opposite character who has a whole bunch of cacti as well, but kills them because he/she waters them too much. Moving on to my last character, this is probably the most "normal" character. She/he has potted plants and takes great care of them. She/he is the most sane and steady character. I heart flowers and plants, so I see a little bit of myself in all of the characters that I envision. But today, I realized that I'm a new character I hadn't actualized in my mind just yet.

Andrea had bought a few plants and flowers a couple of months ago. Most of them have died now because she forgot to water them or it's just been too hot. Since Andrea's been gone house-sitting for her boss, I've been watering the plants obsessively and telling them to get better. Today, I noticed that three of the plants were beginning to grow little green leaves or small portions of the stems were turning green. This delighted me so. I don't particularly find joy in watching the plants grow, but I realized that I love bringing dead plants to life again. So, now I imagine my new character walking in alleyways and scavenging for discarded dead plants. This character's place will be filled with dead plants barely coming back to life.

Off to write.

Common Sense

Me: You know how you get that feeling when someone's looking at you... what is that? Is there a word for that feeling? How does that work?
JJ: Senses, Liu!

I felt that his response was so ridiculous, yet I felt mildly stupid.

------------
I find it amazing how our brain works, processes all of our senses simultaneously. Sometimes, I like to isolate my senses - try to focus only on one sense. I took a walk during my lunch break and centered all of my energy on discerning scents. The city's scent is a grimy concoction - a mix of smog, newly installed carpet, fried foods, cigarette smoke and potent floral perfume.

"I don't like it like this"

by the Radio Dept. is currently on repeat.

Contrary to the song, I love it like this. I heart gloomy weather. It makes me feel alive and happy. Although, I was a bit confused today because I kept thinking that it was five o'clock in the evening. But, the whole day has just been overcast and grey. It's perfect weather for listening to the 'Marie Antoinette' soundtrack.

The plan for the evening: make soon-tofu (that looks weird... it's more like soondubu) and watch 'Before Sunset'.

:)

Aura Forecast

I stopped by Target to pick up a few cleaning supplies. I was deeply immersed in my music and lost in the numerous options of dishwashing soap. I heard a distant, "Excuse me, excuse me". I turned to the right and saw a pregnant lady with long brown hair, wearing a beige poncho-type shirt. I think it was organic cotton. A smaller lady was standing behind her with the cart. I moved over to get out of her way. "Excuse me," she repeated. I took out one of my earphones.

Lady: Sweetie, your aura is amazing.
Me: Thank you?
Lady: I see a lot of good things for you.
Me: Oh... okay.
Lady: Many good things will come to you. I see love entering your life very soon.
Me: Oh.
Lady: Let me read for you.
Me: Huh? Oh, no thank you.
Lady: I usually charge 125 dollars, but I'll charge you 25.
(I looked back at the lady with the cart. I was so confused. The lady with the cart just smiled.)
Me: Oh, no thank you.

I saw the two ladies in the baby section later on.

As I drove home, I thought about how silly it is for people to pay for some other person to tell them about their future. Then I thought, even if someone offered to foretell my future for free, I don't think I would want to know.

I usually don't feel that I've really changed at all since I was a kid. I definitely have looked the same since I was five. But, if there's one change I've recently noticed, it's that I'm not so stuck on plans on anymore. I'm not sure whether this comes from me giving up on trying to devise any type of practical plan for my future or if it comes from me letting go and trusting God. Anywho, I haven't had a planner for over a year. I used to not be able to function without a planner. I still have a little notebook to keep track of to-do's and important events (because of my terrible memory), but it's nice to not feel restricted by a calendar.

It's liberating, frightening and wonderful to not know. I'm learning to embrace today and feel comfortable in the unknown, uncomfortable and awkward.

-----
India again: I received a random email (to my work email) from a pastor in India asking me to come to India, pray for him and support his ministry in an orphanage in India. I think it's a mass email, but I don't know who he is or how he got my email address. Is this a sign?

Currently

daydreaming about:

• going to India (I think it's because I've watched two movies in the last month where the story took place in India. Plus, Sunny's obsessed with all things/people India and I think she rubbed off on me a bit the last time she visited.)
• going to South Africa for the World Cup in 2010.
• living in a cabin in the wilderness. It's a bit weird how vividly I can imagine this. I'm a little scared that I'll actually see what I imagine and I'll be sad because I won't be able to stay.

addicted to:

• the scent of tuberose flowers
• the clearance section in the used bookstore near my place (paperback books for 50 cents! hardcover books for just a buck! I bought a literature book the other day. I like literature books because it's like buying 15 poetry books, 3 plays and a compilation of short stories all in ONE book.)
• podcasts: Song of the Day for various radio stations, Prairie Home Companion, BBC World Select, NPR StoryCorps (please check this one out. I dream of simply traveling and working on a project like this.). I'm secretly (not-so-secret anymore) addicted to the YogAmazing podcast. The instructor, Chaz, is hilarious.

finding it hard to:

• sleep (The strange thing is I don't feel tired when I get very little sleep. It's strange.)
• read and stay focused

which leads to:

• a glass of blush wine at night when I can't go to sleep (I was first intrigued by the pretty color, but it tastes yummy as well. I recommend it for those who are scared to try red wine and feel that white wine is too dry. It's a perfect balance.)

my sanity:

• art museums
• walks and smelling flowers along the way
• music
• pilates

Do you ever feel uneasy? Just generally uneasy without knowing why?

Tiptoe-ing along the edge of a canyon
Knowing that I could easily sway my balance towards
the Secure side of the Ground
feel grateful and safe for
Falling on the Earth
and afraid for what could have been
in the Abyss.

Simply feel the adrenaline of
Maintaining my balance on the edge.

The canyon is frightening, yet seems completely freeing.

Related to Water

I could stare at jellyfish all day.

at the Birch Aquarium.

La Jolla.

I like to think that the two goldfish are best friends forever.

It was strange to see the duck underwater.

A photo from Earth Day.

I heart Earth Day.

Happy Earth Day!

Andrea and i walked over to the Earth Day fair at Balboa Park.

What makes the Earth Day fair different from other fairs?
- bike valet
- hare krishnas
- recycling bins everywhere (Andrea and I were annoyed that they only had these available on Earth Day)
- vegetarian cuisine galore!
- organic food samples
- purses/wallets made from recyclable and used items
- art made from random materials
- eco-friendly cleaning supplies booths (even eco-friendly maid service)

I particularly enjoyed people and dog watching today. I think Andrea and I expected more booths related to the environment, but there many other booths related to political issues. Overall, it was enjoyable and it's exciting to see that more people are living green.

I just don't get it -

- the right to bear arms.