At the movie theater

me: I wonder why that one light shines brighter than the others.
Mon: That light has its life together and knows what it's doing. It knows its purpose.

Forever Young

Mon and I watched "Young@Heart" tonight. It was delightful. Compelling story and fun characters. Plus, all the singing!

I think old people have way more fun than young people.

Happy Earth Day!

Pleasant surprise of the day:
Paul Oh's "Happy Earth Day" phone call.

So, are you out planting a tree?
No, I'm lying in bed.

This makes me sad.

SAN DIEGO (CNS) - A disabled transient was beaten to death with his own crutch by another man in downtown San Diego's Columbia neighborhood, police said today.

The suspect is at large. The motive is a mystery at this hour.

Shuffle

It's hit or miss with shuffle. I either end up skipping every song or being continuously pleasantly surprised with every song. I had a good shuffle morning.

I started the farmer's market this morning with "Good Day Sunshine" which made me smile. And then the following:

• "Atlantic" - Thrice
• "Everloving" - Moby
• "Shimmeshawabble" - New Orleans Rhythm Kings
• "Breakdown" - Mos Def ft. Talib Kweli
• "When I'm Sixty-Four" - The Beatles
• "Limp" - Fiona Apple
• an etude (I don't remember the name) - Chopin
• "For What It's Worth" - Buffalo Springfield
• "Oh Lately It's So Quiet" - Ok Go
• "Bad Sun" - The Bravery

By the end of "Bad Sun", I had picked up everything I wanted and was ready to leave. I love it when stuff like that happens. Perfect timing.

Now, off to spend some time in the sun at the beach and catch up on reading before I pick up Kris from the airport. We haven't had a date night in over two weeks. It's been too long.

The Rapist

"Therapists rape your mind." - Johny said to me before my first session. Knowing I have a more-than-average (and truthfully, irrational) fear of getting raped, he still said this. What a friend...

Anywho, it turns out I'm pretty okay. I convinced the therapist I didn't need medication because yoga makes me happy. She agreed I didn't need to take meds, so that made me happy. The first couple of times, I felt like I was crazier than I thought. Now, I don't think I'm as crazy, or... I'm just the appropriate amount of crazy. It's manageable craziness.

We talked about my parents. It's amazing how much our parents really shape us. It makes me absolutely terrified to have children. Although, I am thankful for my parents. I think the things I've realized through therapy will help our family be healthy. I sure hope so. It's freeing because I feel less burdened, yet it's scary because it's new territory. Hmm, I don't think I make any sense. You can ask me about it if you want and I'll try to do a better job of explaining.

My therapist says I need to go with my "gut feeling". What is that? I think I'm missing a link somewhere. She says I probably learned to not discern/acknowledge my feelings as a coping mechanism. I still don't fully understand that either. I'll have to let that one marinate.

Overall, I think therapy was a good thing. It's made me a little more aware and hopefully, I can work through issues and grow.

'08 will indeed be great.

Headache

"That girl has to get a concussion to finally sleep well." - JJ

Unfortunately, "that girl" is me. I had a mild concussion last night. I feel mildly retarted. Actually, I feel like a complete fool. There's something about falling, and especially hitting one's head that really injures the ego.

My Unruly Hair

It was pretty windy the other day, which means my hair begins to take on a life of its own... Thus, came the inspiration for The Hair Series:

Two Tuesday Thoughts

• Anthony Minghella died. I liked The Talented Mr. Ripley. But more than that, he impressed me with his direction of Puccini's Madame Butterfly in London. I was lucky enough to see this production in 2005. I sat... actually, I stood in this corner in the last "row" of the theatre because tickets were so expensive and that's the ticket I could afford. . It was basically the farthest spot from the stage, but it didn't really matter to me because I really wanted to see it. The opera moved me so; it was absolutely breathtaking.
• I heart Obama. If you didn't get a chance to watch/read/hear his speech today, please do so.

Question: How do you relieve stress?
Darren (Mon's boy BFF): I have to run. It's like an addiction.
Me: I think I feel happier after pilates or yoga.
Mon: I find that HD Television does it for me.

Reunion Weekend

Reunion #1:
Mama Liu and I visited the Yu household Friday night. They're apparently distant relatives. We used to live across the street when I was in elementary school. The grandchildren and I were friends and played together, although they called me aunt because my father called their grandfather older brother. Anywho, I hadn't seen them since I was in high school so it was nice to see them. They were happy that I worked for the government and said I should stay there forever. We talked about politics; I informed them that Obama was not Muslim or a terrorist because his middle name is Hussein. They said I was a communist. It was a fun conversation. Then, it got uncomfortable because the following happened:

Adult 1: So, you should be getting married soon.
Me: (awkwardly smile) No, I'm too young.
Adult 2: You need to find someone rich. That's all that matters. You need to get married because your mom has suffered too much.
Adult 3: Yeah, you have to get married to make your mom happy.
Adult 1: Just find someone who is capable of taking care of you.
Adult 2: No, money's all that matters.
Adult 3: Just find someone at work. I'm sure there are lots of good men at your work. Yeah, just snatch one of them. You know, you have to plan it out. You can't just wait for men to come to you. You have to go hunting. (He actually said the word "hunting". I think I cringed.)
(variation of the above comments were repeated. Meanwhile, I'm trying to be polite. I don't say anything. I'm pretty sure my awkward smile has disappeared.
...
Then, I finally explode.)
Me: I'M NOT GETTING MARRIED.

Luckily, one of the adults started laughing and joked around that I should then find someone for his daughters. I glanced over at my mom and she looked sad. I felt bad for her. I wish I could have been a good daughter in that moment and just played along although I was so disgusted inside.

Reunion #2/Lake Elsinore Moment of the Weekend:
On my way to meet Mon for breakfast, this car next to me starts honking. I look over and it's Gil, whom I have also not seen since high school. I guess that's the city's charm. You never know who you'll run into.

Gil and I used to work together at the perfume store. I remember I enjoyed our closing times the best. We would turn the music up, dance, windex the glass counters and talk about what was going on in our lives. To see him again was a wonderful serendipitous moment.

Reunion #3:
Mon and I went over to Natasha’s St. Patrick’s Day party Saturday night since we were in the area. Natasha was one of our high school friends. She was always a fun, sassy and outgoing party girl. She never had any problems telling people off with a simple “uh-no”. She still is that exuberant girl. It was amazing and kind of comforting to see how she was exactly the same. Her rambunctious laugh is so contagious. It was nice to meet up with her and see that she’s happy.

---
It’s interesting reconnecting with people from the past. It can conjure up insecurities, memories, an old self.

An Odd Awakening

I woke up this morning with this strange feeling and overpowering thought: Things aren't going to be the same; I'm different.

Yeah, it sounds weird and I didn't quite understand it. I didn't know whether that was a good or bad thing. Anyway, that was the first thought that crossed my mind this morning and I believed it to be true and real as the sound of my alarm. I couldn't quite understand why I believed that statement to be true; I just did and couldn't help it. I went to work and walked into JJ's office. Before I even said a word, he said, "There's something different about you." I was shocked, but not really. At this point, JJ's super intuitive powers are expressed to me nearly every other day. So I asked him how I was different because I was curious and didn't have an explanation myself. He couldn't quite explain it either. I told him about my feeling/thought this morning and he said he believes I'm on the cusp of discovering something. "I think you're closer to where you want to be than you think you are," he said. That was nice to hear.

It's a mystery, but an exciting and fun one. It's been a pleasantly odd day.

***
I haven't realized until recently that I've been a "yes" person for most of my life. I often take on more than I can handle, then finally break down and get sick. It's been a pattern in my life, but I never bothered to do anything about it because I got used to it.

Recently, I was pretty stressed out at work and my superiors had a meeting about me with me in the room. Yeah, it was awkward. They talked about me as if I wasn't even there. "I feel like I'm playing tug-of-war with you for Grace's time." "Grace doesn't say 'no', so it's hard to tell when she's overworked." "I'm constantly trying to take stuff away from Grace because I know she takes on too much." It was strange to listen to everyone talk about me and I thought to myself, "Geez, what a submissive and spineless girl this Grace is. Why is she making everyone worry about her?" The conclusion/resolution of the discussion: I need to say "no" more often. The thing is I didn't realize I was taking on too much and that's the problem. JJ is constantly having to look out for me, but when am I ever going to have another boss like JJ? So, this is something I need to fix. I've already started practicing my new healthy way of working by saying "no" to two people today. I felt a little guilty, but mainly relieved. I feel thankful that my bosses are constantly taking care of me, but I realize I need to stand up for myself more. Plus, it must be tiring for my bosses to have to constantly protect and fight for me. The dynamics have already changed within the last week and it's good.

The Red Balloon

I remember really enjoying this short movie when I was a child. Every time I see a red balloon, I can't help but smile.

Feelings/Good

“You’re emotionally retarded,” Johny says.

I think it’s true. I know very well what I think. I have opinions, thoughts and can express them. Knowing, acknowledging and expressing what I feel is a bit trickier. Most of the time, people around me are telling me how I feel and I appreciate them for that, but I wonder how much is really true. I believe most of it is true, but as I’m delving deeper into my own thoughts and emotions lately, I’m discovering a new facet of me that is both scary and freeing. I’m hopeful for what is to come.
I’m pretty convinced March is going to be a good month for the following reasons:

• “G” Necklace: Some time last year or a couple of years ago, I saw this necklace with the letter “G” from an old typewriter at the farmer’s market and thought it was absolutely perfect. A couple of months ago, I couldn’t find it and haven’t been able to find it since. I was quite sad about this and started my journey into denial. Then, I found it buried in a purse on Saturday, the first day of March. I know it’s silly, but it made me feel better.


• Brain Fix: hopefully, I’ll be able to rest better and not be so emotionally retarded.


• No More Tutor: I finally quit. So now, my Saturdays are completely free.


• Light, Okapi and Flowers: Irwin’s light exhibit at MOCA leaves in April, so I need to get my fill this month. My zoo pass ends this month, so I’m going to squeeze in a few more visits. I haven’t been in such a long time. Since I’ll get to stay in San Diego during the weekends, I plan on going to the farmer’s market more often. I really enjoy the energy and watching people at the market. Plus, the flowers are so pretty.


• Easter: It’s my favorite. Death, Resurrection and new life! It’s so exciting.

Leap Day

An extra 24 hours. Or 1,440 minutes. Or 86,400 seconds.

What to do...

It was so windy today.

I park at the Civic Center every day and walk to work. When I usually come out of the building where I park, I see the coffee cart, notice how long the line is and wonder what everyone is ordering. As I passed by the coffee cart onto the walkway surrounded by a couple of big, beautiful trees, I thought about how I should avoid the puddle (that seems to form on rainy days) in the middle of the courtyard. Right after I walked by the trees, I heard a crackling sound, turned around and saw a huge branch snap off. The entire walkway was covered by the branch and its leaves. People around me started freaking out, asked me if I was okay and whether anyone was under the branches. No one was.

As I looked back, all I could see was me crushed under the tree. It was truly only a matter of seconds. That thought freaked me out and I pretty much ran away from the place. I was in a funk all day. I kept looking up in fear at every tree I walked by. I love trees. I felt sad that I feared them today.

"The tree waited for you because it saw something in you," explained JJ. I told him trees can't see.

My Nightstand

is very cluttered. I'm usually quite obsessive about simplifying/organizing things (e.g. important documents, socks, pictures, etc.), but when it comes to my nightstand, I can't seem to simplify. I actually took a couple of candles and one jewelry box off the nightstand in an attempt to create more space, but I quickly filled up that space with who-knows-what. My new thing is creating little piles, instead of scattering everything. I suppose that's better.

The clutter that is my nightstand:

• mirror,
• small heart (Andrea made for me),
• glasses,
  
• necklace box,
• two smaller jewelry boxes,
  
• three candles,
• a glass spoon where I put my rings,
• a lid,
• laptop remote control,
• hair tie,
• antibiotic ointment for my scars,
• doxylamine succinate,
• small bottle of perfume,
  
• eye mask,
• cup of water,
• clock.

I think it reflects the clutter in my mind.
I'm happy it's raining.
I believe it helps clear my mind.

My new roomie

for the rest of the week.

I'm house/dog sitting. Jack is an handsome old dog who moves slowly and is very set in his own ways. I really like him.

:(

Polaroid is shutting down. This news saddens me. What will I do without the instant gratification of seeing square versions of moments? Moments that can't be recreated or duplicated.

I need to stock up on film this year. I guess Fuji is still going to make film for instant cameras, but I've never seen them around.

Elxn Day!

I know it's only the primary election. But, any step towards change excites me.

Yes We Can

Robert Irwin's "Light and Space"

I spent my lunch break at MOCA today because I’m addicted to the exhibit above. I usually sit on the ground and simply stare. The piece takes me to another place where light transcends the limits of perception and all my useless thoughts. There are 115 fluorescent lights of varying sizes set in no noticeable pattern against a soothing light grey wall. When I first saw this, I tried really hard to look for a pattern in the design, but my brain started to hurt. As soon as I let go of trying to discover a pattern, the piece was both overwhelming and freeing. Soaking in the piece, I felt my breathing slow down. The sensory overload washed away all thoughts. I felt calm. There was order amidst the pattern-less, seemingly chaotic piece. Just perceiving the piece for what it was. It reminded me of a maze with no dead ends and I felt happy thinking of the possibilities.

Although there’s no symmetry, it looks perfectly balanced to me. This piece for me is a visual actualization of the sense and act of letting go.