abandoned...

abandoned...

and broken...Why do I find it all so beautiful?
...
I can't help but take pictures of "weird things" (according to JJ). About three weeks ago, we were on the freeway and I saw an abandoned shoe on the side. It looked so sad and beautiful with its laces undone and so alone. I saw the image in my head: the solitary shoe, painted yellow line, and a center divider. It was perfect. We were stuck in traffic, so I hurriedly grabbed for my camera and told JJ to go slowly. Of course he speeds up and I miss the shot. I can still visualize the image in my head and I guess that's where it'll remain.

I wonder what happened to the other shoe.

My Death Tree

We had a conversation about death today.

Me: I want to donate my body, and hopefully they can use the rest for an environmental burial.
Nick (my new very flamboyant student worker): Does that even exist Ms. Liu?
Me: Yes, I've looked into it.
(Nick wants to be cremated, then put in a coffin and buried. I told him that made no sense and it would be a waste of space. After some argumentative banter...)
Nick: You know what?! Your tree's just going to get cut down and turned into paper!

I'm sad.

These are a few of my favorite words:

.hope.
.wonder.
.imagine.
.light.
.peace.
.beauty.
.joy.
.bliss.
.love.
.patience.
.sincerity.
.clarity.
.belief.
.found.
.grateful.
.reprieve.
.safe.
.forgiven.
.free.

Heated Hair

In my inbox:

You are confirmed to attend the Grief Recovery Training scheduled for July 14th - 17th at Marina Village.

My first reaction: a sound that made Kristin ask, "Did someone punch you in the gut?"

How this all came to be...

Our boss, the DA thought some of the employees at the office should attend grief recovery training to learn more about how to interact with people dealing with grief (e.g. victims of crimes, victim's family members, etc.). So, many of the Victim Advocates have attended the training. She also sent some of her executive staff, which includes JJ (my boss) and Michelle (the CEO and my mentor at work). I enjoyed making fun of them having to go because they dreaded it so much. Besides learning about how to work with other people's grief, the attendees had to talk/write about their own grief issues. I knew this killed JJ. Their sweet revenge: making me go.

What's worse? I happen to be in the same group as the boss. The big boss, the DA.
Awkweird.

Nadirs/Zenith of Korea Trip '08

I'm finally somewhat coherent and functioning on U.S. time now. The jetlag after visiting the motherland was like no other.

Overall, the trip was good.

Nadirs

• my father being ... my father. I completely shut down.
• realizing the end.

Zenith:

• spending time with my cousins. They were most kind and generous. We had quite a few things in common.
• seeing my aunt (mama's cousin).
  
• sleeping all the time at Jeju-do. It was much needed and appreciated rest.
• the International Book Fair. I pretty much enjoyed all the bookstores in Korea.
  
• spending time with Dan's parents. They exude warmth and happiness.
• laughing at the outrageousness of Korean television. A combination of the funny, weird and disturbing.
  
• spending time with Marilyn. I felt happy that she was happy.
  
• closure and looking forward to a new beginning.

You can see the pictures posted on the link on the left. I still have to wait for Goeje-do pictures from Marilyn.

Dali's Girl at Window

There's something about this painting that really draws me in...

At the movie theater

me: I wonder why that one light shines brighter than the others.
Mon: That light has its life together and knows what it's doing. It knows its purpose.

Forever Young

Mon and I watched "Young@Heart" tonight. It was delightful. Compelling story and fun characters. Plus, all the singing!

I think old people have way more fun than young people.

Happy Earth Day!

Pleasant surprise of the day:
Paul Oh's "Happy Earth Day" phone call.

So, are you out planting a tree?
No, I'm lying in bed.

This makes me sad.

SAN DIEGO (CNS) - A disabled transient was beaten to death with his own crutch by another man in downtown San Diego's Columbia neighborhood, police said today.

The suspect is at large. The motive is a mystery at this hour.

Shuffle

It's hit or miss with shuffle. I either end up skipping every song or being continuously pleasantly surprised with every song. I had a good shuffle morning.

I started the farmer's market this morning with "Good Day Sunshine" which made me smile. And then the following:

• "Atlantic" - Thrice
• "Everloving" - Moby
• "Shimmeshawabble" - New Orleans Rhythm Kings
• "Breakdown" - Mos Def ft. Talib Kweli
• "When I'm Sixty-Four" - The Beatles
• "Limp" - Fiona Apple
• an etude (I don't remember the name) - Chopin
• "For What It's Worth" - Buffalo Springfield
• "Oh Lately It's So Quiet" - Ok Go
• "Bad Sun" - The Bravery

By the end of "Bad Sun", I had picked up everything I wanted and was ready to leave. I love it when stuff like that happens. Perfect timing.

Now, off to spend some time in the sun at the beach and catch up on reading before I pick up Kris from the airport. We haven't had a date night in over two weeks. It's been too long.

The Rapist

"Therapists rape your mind." - Johny said to me before my first session. Knowing I have a more-than-average (and truthfully, irrational) fear of getting raped, he still said this. What a friend...

Anywho, it turns out I'm pretty okay. I convinced the therapist I didn't need medication because yoga makes me happy. She agreed I didn't need to take meds, so that made me happy. The first couple of times, I felt like I was crazier than I thought. Now, I don't think I'm as crazy, or... I'm just the appropriate amount of crazy. It's manageable craziness.

We talked about my parents. It's amazing how much our parents really shape us. It makes me absolutely terrified to have children. Although, I am thankful for my parents. I think the things I've realized through therapy will help our family be healthy. I sure hope so. It's freeing because I feel less burdened, yet it's scary because it's new territory. Hmm, I don't think I make any sense. You can ask me about it if you want and I'll try to do a better job of explaining.

My therapist says I need to go with my "gut feeling". What is that? I think I'm missing a link somewhere. She says I probably learned to not discern/acknowledge my feelings as a coping mechanism. I still don't fully understand that either. I'll have to let that one marinate.

Overall, I think therapy was a good thing. It's made me a little more aware and hopefully, I can work through issues and grow.

'08 will indeed be great.

Headache

"That girl has to get a concussion to finally sleep well." - JJ

Unfortunately, "that girl" is me. I had a mild concussion last night. I feel mildly retarted. Actually, I feel like a complete fool. There's something about falling, and especially hitting one's head that really injures the ego.

My Unruly Hair

It was pretty windy the other day, which means my hair begins to take on a life of its own... Thus, came the inspiration for The Hair Series:

Two Tuesday Thoughts

• Anthony Minghella died. I liked The Talented Mr. Ripley. But more than that, he impressed me with his direction of Puccini's Madame Butterfly in London. I was lucky enough to see this production in 2005. I sat... actually, I stood in this corner in the last "row" of the theatre because tickets were so expensive and that's the ticket I could afford. . It was basically the farthest spot from the stage, but it didn't really matter to me because I really wanted to see it. The opera moved me so; it was absolutely breathtaking.
• I heart Obama. If you didn't get a chance to watch/read/hear his speech today, please do so.

Question: How do you relieve stress?
Darren (Mon's boy BFF): I have to run. It's like an addiction.
Me: I think I feel happier after pilates or yoga.
Mon: I find that HD Television does it for me.

Reunion Weekend

Reunion #1:
Mama Liu and I visited the Yu household Friday night. They're apparently distant relatives. We used to live across the street when I was in elementary school. The grandchildren and I were friends and played together, although they called me aunt because my father called their grandfather older brother. Anywho, I hadn't seen them since I was in high school so it was nice to see them. They were happy that I worked for the government and said I should stay there forever. We talked about politics; I informed them that Obama was not Muslim or a terrorist because his middle name is Hussein. They said I was a communist. It was a fun conversation. Then, it got uncomfortable because the following happened:

Adult 1: So, you should be getting married soon.
Me: (awkwardly smile) No, I'm too young.
Adult 2: You need to find someone rich. That's all that matters. You need to get married because your mom has suffered too much.
Adult 3: Yeah, you have to get married to make your mom happy.
Adult 1: Just find someone who is capable of taking care of you.
Adult 2: No, money's all that matters.
Adult 3: Just find someone at work. I'm sure there are lots of good men at your work. Yeah, just snatch one of them. You know, you have to plan it out. You can't just wait for men to come to you. You have to go hunting. (He actually said the word "hunting". I think I cringed.)
(variation of the above comments were repeated. Meanwhile, I'm trying to be polite. I don't say anything. I'm pretty sure my awkward smile has disappeared.
...
Then, I finally explode.)
Me: I'M NOT GETTING MARRIED.

Luckily, one of the adults started laughing and joked around that I should then find someone for his daughters. I glanced over at my mom and she looked sad. I felt bad for her. I wish I could have been a good daughter in that moment and just played along although I was so disgusted inside.

Reunion #2/Lake Elsinore Moment of the Weekend:
On my way to meet Mon for breakfast, this car next to me starts honking. I look over and it's Gil, whom I have also not seen since high school. I guess that's the city's charm. You never know who you'll run into.

Gil and I used to work together at the perfume store. I remember I enjoyed our closing times the best. We would turn the music up, dance, windex the glass counters and talk about what was going on in our lives. To see him again was a wonderful serendipitous moment.

Reunion #3:
Mon and I went over to Natasha’s St. Patrick’s Day party Saturday night since we were in the area. Natasha was one of our high school friends. She was always a fun, sassy and outgoing party girl. She never had any problems telling people off with a simple “uh-no”. She still is that exuberant girl. It was amazing and kind of comforting to see how she was exactly the same. Her rambunctious laugh is so contagious. It was nice to meet up with her and see that she’s happy.

---
It’s interesting reconnecting with people from the past. It can conjure up insecurities, memories, an old self.

An Odd Awakening

I woke up this morning with this strange feeling and overpowering thought: Things aren't going to be the same; I'm different.

Yeah, it sounds weird and I didn't quite understand it. I didn't know whether that was a good or bad thing. Anyway, that was the first thought that crossed my mind this morning and I believed it to be true and real as the sound of my alarm. I couldn't quite understand why I believed that statement to be true; I just did and couldn't help it. I went to work and walked into JJ's office. Before I even said a word, he said, "There's something different about you." I was shocked, but not really. At this point, JJ's super intuitive powers are expressed to me nearly every other day. So I asked him how I was different because I was curious and didn't have an explanation myself. He couldn't quite explain it either. I told him about my feeling/thought this morning and he said he believes I'm on the cusp of discovering something. "I think you're closer to where you want to be than you think you are," he said. That was nice to hear.

It's a mystery, but an exciting and fun one. It's been a pleasantly odd day.

***
I haven't realized until recently that I've been a "yes" person for most of my life. I often take on more than I can handle, then finally break down and get sick. It's been a pattern in my life, but I never bothered to do anything about it because I got used to it.

Recently, I was pretty stressed out at work and my superiors had a meeting about me with me in the room. Yeah, it was awkward. They talked about me as if I wasn't even there. "I feel like I'm playing tug-of-war with you for Grace's time." "Grace doesn't say 'no', so it's hard to tell when she's overworked." "I'm constantly trying to take stuff away from Grace because I know she takes on too much." It was strange to listen to everyone talk about me and I thought to myself, "Geez, what a submissive and spineless girl this Grace is. Why is she making everyone worry about her?" The conclusion/resolution of the discussion: I need to say "no" more often. The thing is I didn't realize I was taking on too much and that's the problem. JJ is constantly having to look out for me, but when am I ever going to have another boss like JJ? So, this is something I need to fix. I've already started practicing my new healthy way of working by saying "no" to two people today. I felt a little guilty, but mainly relieved. I feel thankful that my bosses are constantly taking care of me, but I realize I need to stand up for myself more. Plus, it must be tiring for my bosses to have to constantly protect and fight for me. The dynamics have already changed within the last week and it's good.

The Red Balloon

I remember really enjoying this short movie when I was a child. Every time I see a red balloon, I can't help but smile.

Feelings/Good

“You’re emotionally retarded,” Johny says.

I think it’s true. I know very well what I think. I have opinions, thoughts and can express them. Knowing, acknowledging and expressing what I feel is a bit trickier. Most of the time, people around me are telling me how I feel and I appreciate them for that, but I wonder how much is really true. I believe most of it is true, but as I’m delving deeper into my own thoughts and emotions lately, I’m discovering a new facet of me that is both scary and freeing. I’m hopeful for what is to come.
I’m pretty convinced March is going to be a good month for the following reasons:

• “G” Necklace: Some time last year or a couple of years ago, I saw this necklace with the letter “G” from an old typewriter at the farmer’s market and thought it was absolutely perfect. A couple of months ago, I couldn’t find it and haven’t been able to find it since. I was quite sad about this and started my journey into denial. Then, I found it buried in a purse on Saturday, the first day of March. I know it’s silly, but it made me feel better.


• Brain Fix: hopefully, I’ll be able to rest better and not be so emotionally retarded.


• No More Tutor: I finally quit. So now, my Saturdays are completely free.


• Light, Okapi and Flowers: Irwin’s light exhibit at MOCA leaves in April, so I need to get my fill this month. My zoo pass ends this month, so I’m going to squeeze in a few more visits. I haven’t been in such a long time. Since I’ll get to stay in San Diego during the weekends, I plan on going to the farmer’s market more often. I really enjoy the energy and watching people at the market. Plus, the flowers are so pretty.


• Easter: It’s my favorite. Death, Resurrection and new life! It’s so exciting.