My friend

Me: You've called me a dork like 5 times in this short conversation. Thanks friend
Dan: No problem, Dork.

I thought it was interesting that he capitalized the 'D' in dork. Not only am I dork, I'm a capital-D dork. Hmmm.

------------------------------
Take a moment to stop.
and look around to notice the trees and sky. The sky has been amazingly captivating these days.

So I was thinking . . .

It irks me when people consider injustice and poverty as subordinate issues or issues that only liberals care about. Contrary to people's assumptions, I truly would not consider myself uber liberal (well, maybe when it comes to the environment). However, certain people seem to assume that I'm a liberal - contaminated by the media and socialist propaganda - because I fervently oppose injustice and become saddened by poverty. So be it. Honestly, I probably do lean a little more to the left.

Why/how did such issues get polluted and politicized by society? It is perfectly reasonable and humane to feel empathy for those who are ostracized, oppressed, raped, abused. It is absolutely illogical and barbaric to ignore or feel nothing when seeing or hearing of such atrocities happening to our brothers and sisters of the human race.

Benevolence is growing extinct. Humanity is a dying race.

How can we not care? The state of humanity ought to be the concern of all people simply because we are all human.

Excites Me

This song excites me:

Fast as you can

I let the beast in too soon, I don't know how to live
Without my hand on his throat; I fight him always and still
Oh darling, it's so sweet, you think you know how crazy
How crazy I am
You say you don't spook easy, you won't go, but I know
And I pray that you will
Fast as you can, baby runfree yourself of me
Fast as you can
I may be soft in your palm but I'll soon grow
Hungry for a fight, and I will not let you win
My pretty mouth will frame the phrases that will
Disprove your faith in man
So if you catch me trying to find my way into your
Heart from under your skin
Fast as you can, baby scratch me out, free yourself
Fast as you can
Fast as you can, baby scratch me out, free yourself
Fast as you can
Sometimes my mind don't shake and shift
But most of the time, it does
And I get to the place where I'm begging for a lift
Or I'll drown in the wonders and the was
And I'll be your girl, if you say it's a gift
And you give me some more of your drugs
Yeah, I'll be your pet, if you just tell me it's a gift
'Cause I'm tired of whys, choking on whys,
Just need a little because, because
I let the beast in and then;
I even tried forgiving him, but it's too soon
So I'll fight again, again, again, again, again.
And for a little while more, I'll soar the
Uneven wind, complain and blame
The sterile land
But if you're getting any bright ideas, quiet dear
I'm blooming within
Fast as you can, baby wait watch me, I'll be out
Fast as I can, maybe late but at least about
Fast as you can leave me, let this thing
Run its route
Fast as you can

A Charlie Brown Life

Charlie Brown keeps repeating "Happy Valentine's Day, Happy Valentine's Day, Happy Valentine's Day..." to say to the little-red-haired-girl, his crush. He finally gathers enough courage, walks up to her and says, "Merry Christmas."

My mama cracks up when she thinks about that one. She enjoys the Peanuts comic strip. She's been mentioning Charlie Brown more frequently these days. She says that everyone has a little Charlie Brown in them and we all don't succeed at times. Mama says it's all about the little victories and learning to laugh amidst the seemingly failures. It amazes me how she doesn't really seem to see anything as a failure. She patiently waits and hopes and waits again.

"Be loving to him. Because he's only a little boat looking for a harbor."

She loves Charlie Brown.

A Twist

it's all so awkwardly comfortable and pleasant

Bitter Bug Bit

but the warm hug made me smile. thanks. :)

Wow.. two nights in a row. I'm a blessed girl.

"Everything was unchanged..."

"I hope you want nothing? You'll get nothing." That Miss Havisham.

I'm reading Great Expectations right now. Dickens frustrates me at times because I find him excessively wordy at times, but I must admit that he's an impressive storyteller.

My question to you: Why does Pip love Estella and not Biddy? What is it about Estealla's beauty, coldness and cruelty that attracts Pip? I like Biddy.

Everything Changed

I booked my flight to Minnesota for Megs' wedding. I leave the 10th of January and return on the 15th. I hope it's not too cold. Megs asked me to read a bible verse/passage at her wedding. I'm a bit nervous; I don't think I'm very good at reading under pressure in front of people.

I think it's going to rain today. This makes me smile. This week was such a blur and I'm not sure whether it was good or bad; it just was. I thought about expectations this week. I have realized that the less I expect anything of people, the more I will be pleasantly surprised. The only problem is that deep down inside, I can't help but expect a little. What do I expect? I don't quite know; I don't know it until I don't get what I expect. I get over the initial sadness and hint of disappointment, but I still don't like it. Therefore, to rid myself of such unpleasant feelings, I will try to no longer expect. It's quite liberating. My only aim: love people. Reciprocity is dead to me now; it's ridiculous to expect and I don't want to be ridiculous. I simply want to love, love, love (and listen to Air's Alone in Kyoto all day long. The song mesmerizes me and I can imagine so many different scenarios that seem to suit the mystery of the song. It's the soundtrack for my daydreaming).

Magic drifted through the air
touching everybody there
You came into my life so small
altering everything changed

Word Stew

I like the smell of fall. Sure, we don't REALLY have autumn in California, but it does get a little colder. The air and aura of fall confuses me. It's crisp, yet warm.

The Choi family is having Thanksgiving dinner tonight so I'll be having my third thanksgiving meal this week. It feels a bit odd not to have Thanksgiving dinner at Mon's everyday this week like the past years. Thanksgiving is a week-long-feasting-holiday at the Morales home.

This week, Mama Morales declared Monday as Thanksgiving so that the left-overs would only stay in the fridge for about four days, so she could free up space for all the food to come on Friday (Papa and Mama Morales' 25th wedding anniversary - renewal of vows). Now, there's a woman who plans. The holidays work around her schedule. I heart Mama Morales.

We studied materialism last Friday for small group. I couldn't stay until the end, so I'm not sure if I really experienced the fullness of that lesson; however, it's been an enlightening week. I can regulate my spending by sticking to my budget, but I realized that I think or worry about money a lot. So, I've been trying to catch myself and meditate on Philippians 4:6-7.

Well, going along with materialism... here are some things on my "to get" list:

• contact solution: I've been using Mansoo's
• knitting needles: I can't seem to find them. I know I packed them when I came back from London, but now they are nowhere to be found. I really liked them. I used them so much last year; we bonded. I'm going to look one last time. I don't want to just abandon my old ones; they felt so comfortable.
• nail polish remover (?): I let Miae paint my nails, but they're pink. Barbie pink. :/ Plus, she drew little flowers and put a little sparkly thing in the middle. I feel so ... pink.
  

I certainly haven't been shoping for any new shoes
And I certainly haven't been spreading myself around
I still only travel by foot and by foot it's a slow climb
But I'm good at being uncomfortable so I can't stop changing all the time

Mr. Simon's

I went to the Norton Simon Museum last Saturday. I was so happy. Art makes me happy. I feel so refreshed after spending a pleasant time at an art museum. It was nice to see 'The Mulberry Tree'; I haven't seen it in years. It was such a delight to revisit paintings and sculptures, like meeting an old friend after quite a while has passed by, yet I've changed and the works remain the same. As I stood in front of paintings and sculptures I saw years ago, the feelings and thoughts of that time flooded my mind. However, the flood of nostalgia was abruptly met by my current state of emotions and thoughts.

It was a beautiful collision.

Rhythm Don't Mean Nothing

It's a perfect day to play at a park or lake (or both).

I'm sitting here in the office daydreaming as I stare at the trees outside. The leaves are dancing. I think of Michael and Keisuke's "jellyfish" dance. I giggle.

Facts on World Hunger and Poverty

thanks to Anthony (one of my tutor students) for emailing me the WHY (World Hunger Year) article because "Grace teacher likes this kind of stuff".

• Approximately 5 billion people live in the developing world. This world is made up of about 125 low and middle-income countries in which people generally have a lower standard of living with access to fewer goods and services than people in high-income countries.
• Economically, the constant securing of food consumes valuable time and energy of poor people, allowing less time for work and earning income.
• 852 million people across the world are hungry, up from 842 million a year ago.
• The combined wealth of the world’s richest people hit $1 trillion in 1999; the combined incomes of the 582 million people living in the 43 least developed countries is $146 billion.
• Today, across the world, 1.3 billion people live on less than one dollar a day; 3 billion live on under two dollars a day; 1.3 billion have no access to to clean water; 3 billion have no access to sanitation; 2 billion have no access to electricity.
• Counting near-poor families (below twice the poverty line), nearly 8 million low- income children lived in households that experienced hunger or severely crowded conditions, or that had their phone or utilities shut off.
• Effective debt relief to the 20 poorest countries would cost $5.5 billion- equivalent to the cost of building EuroDisney.
• Providing universal access to basic social services and transfers to alleviate income poverty would cost $80 billion, less than the net worth of the seven richest men in the world.

"They will not hunger or thirst,
Nor will the scorching heat or sun strike them down;
For He who has compassion on them will lead them
And will guide them to springs of water."
- Isaiah 49:10

May your will be done.

Stressless

I'm consciously making a decision not to be so stressed. I realized that I've become so uncomfortably cozy in my perpetual state of stress. I'm letting go.

It's nice. wait, mice. ;)

I went to a paint store with Mansoo's dad yesterday. I liked looking at all the colors; it was quite soothing. I especially enjoyed the yellow tones because the names were so fun: dandelion, broom handle, yolk.

One of my tutor students thought the "lo" in "lo and behold" meant "laugh out". I was speechless.

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
- Phillippians 4:6-7

i am grateful for...

^-^

Dear Jazzed,

I live to make your day.

Love,
Museum Buddy

Surely Outta Control

Shirley, the wild one. I never knew such a rambunctious fifth-grader.

Me: Shirley, why are you so crazy?
Shirley: What?! (laughs hysterically) What are you talking about? Well, you know what?
Me: What?
Shirley: My parents were gonna send me to navy camp in the summer. (starts laughing)
Me: What?! Navy camp?
Shirley: Yeah for the summer
Me: Like a disciplinary place?
Shirley: Huh? It was navy camp. But, they couldn't send me 'cause there were only boys allowed.
Me: Mmmm.

Wimp!

Eric (one of my tutor students, of course) is a sweetheart. He gave me Snickers from his trick-or-treat bag after asking me what my favorite candy was. I definitely struggle with him and my patience is tested every time we tutor, but we have those golden moments. He exudes warmth.

I learned today that his eating habits are peculiar. For example, he likes to eat a PB & J sandwhich with string cheese melted on top. I went to his house a little early today and saw him making a sandwhich (I thought it was one of his special PB & Js), but I saw a tub of sour cream on the table.

Me: What's the sour cream for?
Eric: I spread it on the bread.
Me: What?! Is that good?
Eric: Yeah! It's so good!
Me: That's weird.
Eric: No, it's so good. You have to try it. Do you want me to make you one?
Me: Uhhh.. no thanks. I'm not brave.
Eric: Wimp!
Me: (laughing) Yeah
Eric: Wimp!
Me: Yeah, I am.
Eric: Really? 'Cause it's ok if you are.

Thanks Eric.

Within the past two days, I've been called weird, crazy and a wimp by my tutor students. Hmm.

A Couple of Minutes

Tired, I am.

Thoughts and moments of the day:

How do airplanes fly and stay up in the air? It truly amazes me. Yes, I remember learning about the differences in air pressure above and below the wing. Still... it baffles me. I thought about this for a couple of minutes as I was driving.

My ipod died on me today at the office. I was crushed. Music saves me at work (thanks again for the cd; i like). I stared at my ipod for a couple of minutes. I probably had a lost look on my face. Luckily, I only had 30 minutes left of work.

I wish I could sleep for a couple of minutes.

It's just crazy to work/tutor straight from 8-9; then 10-11. I wonder when I'm going to crash.

Anthony (my tutor student today from 5:10-6:40): Grace Teacher, I think you should go to sleep after you're done tutoring me.
Me: Oh Anthony, I have to tutor your sister and another student after.
Anthony: But you look so tired. You're sooooo tired.
Me: No, I'm not! I'm not tired.
Anthony: But you're acting weird, like you're crazy.
Me: (Hmmmmm)

Shirley (Anthony's crazy younger sister) had to write sentences for a few of her vocabulary words from a story about Japanese internment during WWII.
- Interned: To confine, especially in wartime.
Shirley: (excitedly) OoooOOooOh, I have a great sentence.
Me: (equally excited 'cause I'm a geek) Oh yeah? Neat. I can't wait to read it.
Shirley types and starts laughing hysterically.
GRACE WAS INTERNED DURING THE WAR.
Me: (speechless)

Anthony and Shirley's mom made me drink this "healthy" drink. I had to plug my nose as I drank it. I tried to convince Anthony to drink it for me, but he wouldn't. I could still taste it a couple of minutes later.

I had the chance to read a lot of Pascal's Pensees today. I wish we could be friends.

Hmm... photo exhibit.

I'm going to close my eyes for a couple of minutes.

Mansoo Episode #160

Mansoo has two tests tomorrow (well 3 including his taekwondo test, but I don't have to worry about that). We're studying for his English test where he has to memorize Latin root prefixes and terms. We go through the words and try to think of easier words that are associated with the word to help him memorize.

G: Ok, next word, diffident. Hmmm.
(pause, both of us thinking)

M: It reminds me of a Korean ah-jum-mah (woman) trying to say 'different'.

(after a while... Mansoo loses focus, as always)
G: Mansoo!!! Focus!!! Mansoo!!! Focus!!! We only have four cards left. Come on!
M: You mean four-cus?

This kid cracks me up.

Fried Jello

(thanks for the title Johny)

That's how I feel... fried jello. I've been feeling physically drained, yet spiritually filled. I like (well, not the tired part, but yeah).

Some random thoughts of the day, at least the ones I still remember:

• I wish I could be teleported to places.
  
• I wonder what the longest word is. (pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis)
• God's grace rocks my world.
  
• I like hope.
  
• God places amazing people in my life. I love.
• I want to love more...
  
• He's the little ship that cannot find its harbor. He had the wrong dreams. Oh, the illusion of success.
• I'm tired. Maybe I should get back on coffee. I remember when I had so much energy throughout the day.
• My students make me smile. Today, I helped Eric with his foods project. It was really fun and it was so cute how he was so proud of his mango-cheese quesadilla.
• I want to close my eyes.
  

Sunny Day

It's sunny, yet cool. I like it.

Happy birthday Keisuke. :)

Amalgamated

A couple of my close friends are getting married within a year. I've heard of a few other people from high school and D.C. getting engaged as well. It's wild. It makes me feel... I don't know. Hopefully, I'll be able to book a flight this week to Minnesooota for Megs' wedding. Oh my gash. It's going to be so cold (in January). Hmm.. then, maybe Korea for a wedding in June. Wow, traveling for weddings... I miss traveling. I've been home for about 5 months now and I'm just itching to go somewhere. Now, I guess I have a reason to travel: weddings. Wow.

Random statistic of the day: Mansoo's mom told me today that in America, the ratio of guys to girls is 1:8. She said I need to hurry up and snatch a guy as soon as possible 'cause the numbers are not in my favor. I didn't even know how to respond.

Beautiful Child

I listened to Rufus Wainwright last week. A lot. Obsessively. I think it helped me sink deeper into my weird mood. Some repressed thoughts and feelings floated to the surface of my soul.

I'm trying to move on now and listen to some happy music. I don't have much happy music. Oh well, at least it rained today. Rain makes me happy.

I'm also trying not to over-think this week; not sleeping was a bad thing last week.

Goals for this week:

1. Go to sleep early (without sleeping pills, ok Paul?). Get at least 6 hours of sleep every night.
2. Finish Isaiah (finally).
3. Catch up on my studying plan.
4. Pray about the things/people on my mind.
5. Make a tentative schedule for the high school cabinet retreat.
6. Make a list of things to talk about for high school small group this Friday.
7. Put all my London photos in an album.
8. Make a trip to an art museum or the beach.

Oh no... here I go, planning away my life. (Sorry Keisuke, I can't help it.)

When I am older than these small goddamned hills
And there's no reason for my mind to be still

Oh, how I'll feel like a beautiful child
Such a beautiful child again

When I have finally found my room filled with toys
Be banging on my crib excited by noise

Oh, how I'll feel like a beautiful child
Such a beautiufl child again

And when there's nothing to gain
Or bring me pain or pin the blame
On you or myself

And when they finally fall
These wailing walls and burdened crosses
God's twilights and all

How I'll feel like a beautiful child
Such a beautiful child again

A Bit of Clarity

A friend of mine from high school, actually elementary school, IMed me last night. Matt Robison. He's been my friend since the fourth grade. He wore a campaign sign for me when I ran for treasurer in the fifth grade; my mom basically loved him ever since then. Matteo was and is a brilliant writer. I remember reading his writing in the fourth grade and being blown away. It's funny to think about our friendship because we're so different. He started a punk band when I joined student council. That's just the beginning of our differences. Yet, we always adored one another. Now, he's in New York after graduating from UC Santa Cruz, working at a bookstore, applying for an internship at Harper's. He wants to work in publishing. He's going to try to go to NYU to get his master's in creative writing. It's absolutely perfect for him.

This week has been such a blur, partly because of lack of sleep and partly because I've been in a peculiar mood and probably mainly because I've been listening to weird music. I've been an errant leaf easily swayed by the breeze of thoughts.

Today is much better though. First, I slept well last night. Second, I am quite encouraged by the Word. I'm still reading Isaiah and whenever I read hopeful passages about the future and heaven, I can't help but think of Africa and get uber happy.

• They will not hunger or thirst, Nor will the scorching heat or sun strike them down; For He who has compassion on them will lead them and will guide them to springs of water.
• Isaiah 49:10
  

I imagine the beautiful people of Africa not hungry or thirsty. They are smiling and their white teeth that shines through their dark skin is blinding. All I see are smiles - a sea of smiles.

Lullaby For A Stormy Night

For you know, once even I
Was a little child
And I was afraid
But a gentle someone always came
To dry all my tears
Trade sweet sleep the fears
And to give a kiss goodnight

Well, now I am grown
And these days have shown
Rain's a part of how life goes
But it's dark and it's late
So I'll hold you and wait
'til your frightened eyes do close

And I hope that you'll know
That nature is so
This same rain that draws you near me
Falls on rivers and land
And forests and sand
Makes the beautiful world that you see
In the morning

Everything's fine in the morning
The rain will be gone in the morning
But I'll still be here in the morning

An Imperfect Day

Waking up after four hours of sleep is normally not that bad (minus the headache).

Waking up every hour during those four hours of sleep is unpleasant.

Finally falling asleep when Mansoo is waking up to go to school is ridiculous.

I feel a bit crazed, nonsensical and unglued. This is a perfect day for me to be a hermit and not interact with people.

Today will be an imperfect day.

Let There Be Love

Who kicked a hole in the sky so the heavens would cry over me?
Who stole the soul from the sun in a world come undone at the seams?
Let there be love - Let there be love
I hope the weather is calm as you sail up your heavenly stream
Suspended clear in the sky are the words that we sing in our dreams
Let there be love - Let there be love - Let there be love - Let there be love

Come on baby blue
Shake up your tired eyes
The world is waiting for you
May all your dreaming fill the empty sky

But if it makes you happy
Keep on clapping
Just remember I'll be by your side
And if you only go, it's gonna pass you by

Laptop

is fixed. Yay! Thanks Dan. Thanks for thse cleverly chosen bookmarked pages as well. ;) I smile.

Oh Sami

I just got back from my date with Sami. She's so cute and nice. We talked about how we're doing spiritually, favorite movies, music, where we would go if we could go anywhere in the world, etc. I like Sami. She's so lovable. We also discussed our love for art; that was an uber fun conversation. One of Sami's favorite artists, Edward Hopper, is the one who actually sparked my interest in art. I was in the fourth grade and I saw "Nighthawks" by Hopper. I found the painting mysterious and intriguing. Sami finds the painting alluring. It was neat to talk about art. We were both so giddy.

We had a really nice talk

I woke up a little later than I wanted to. I was up a bit late last night talking to Crystal. I just sait in front of her after I got my cup of water. That girl can eat so late at night and not gain a single pound. It amazes me. We had a really nice talk.

My date with Susan today was quite nice. We talked about how it's so sad to see the younger girls dressing so scandalous and obsessed with sex. We also discussed how kids don't really play outside anymore. Kids show off their new gameboys and skirts; she used to show off scars she got from falling while playing. We had a really nice talk.

I told off some 9th grade boy today. I walked into the room and saw an IM to Mansoo from a fellow named Randy. He was asking Mansoo for his homework. I told Mansoo to say "no" and he wanted to, but didn't know how. I got on the computer and being the psycho tutor that I am, I told him that he should do his own work. He didn't believe that I was the tutor at first, but I think he began to believe me when I started giving him suggestions on how he can manage his time better to improve his studying habits. We had a really nice talk.

Mansoo moment of the day: Mansoo whistling-harmonizing to the microwave "beep". This kid cracks me up.

Mansoo episode #158; #159

Episode #158
Mansoo's dad wanted to talk to Mansoo after taekwondo. I was a bit nervous because I thought Mansoo was getting in trouble for something. Wait, why am I nervous about that? Anywho, then I hear Mansoo listing off the grades he's been getting on tests.

"A"
"A+"
"A"...
(Out of 12 tests, he got 10 A's. Yesssss.)

Then, the two. Ouch. Two C's on tests. Oh no, am I in trouble? Then, Mansoo walks back towards the room.

Me: (whispering) Did you get in trouble?
Mansoo: No, my dad wants to give me a little gift for every 100% I got. (grins in such a big, cute way)

I'm so happy that he's so confident with his schoolwork these days.

I like Mansoo's dad. He's nice. I think he's so happy that Mansoo's doing better in school.

Episode #159
Mansoo has a test this Friday about the American Revolution, Enlightenment thinkers/philosphers, etc. He's been studying all this for about a week already.

Then, today, he asks, "What's the American Revolution?"
I give him a look.

Furthermore, Mansoo keeps singing patriotic songs and now they're all stuck in my head. Argh. Why me?!

Mansoo quote of the day: "I want to redo my life."

Wow

Wow, where to even begin. WoW. What a weekend. I had a bit of a draining week, so I was already tired for the weekend. However, my weekend proved to be most rejuvenating and wonderful. (beware: this is a long entry; I'll be impressed by those who read it all. wow)

Teacher Retreat
was wow. Kim MSN rocked my world with Ezekiel. I learned that I will be held responsible for my girls. I basically feel more confident rebuking the girls and letting them know when I think they're doing something they shouldn't be doing. On Saturday, we heard a sermon from Erwin McManus. He spoke about one's wholeness. This part resonated with me because an ongoing joke-mostly-truth comment from my closest friends is that I'm always trying to fix people. He said that people who have been loved know how to love and people who love know how to be loved. The more one has been forgived, the more one can love. Therefore, we need to continuously live a life of gratitude. I truly felt that way on the way to Fullerton today.

I was just thinking and meditating on the love passage; I felt grateful that God is love. The teacher retreat encouraged me to persistently strive to shape my character to be more like Jesus. God offers us his character; we were made in His image. How crazy is that?! God's grace. Every time I fixate all my thoughts and emotions on God's grace, I am left in awe. All the walls I build around myself come down, each layer of my self comes off and I am left completely bare... down to the core. And in this moment, nothing matters except that I am God's daughter and I am overwhelmed by a sense of gratitude. It fills me, overflows out of me.

Ok, back to the update...

Sunday
The high school teachers were late to service. I felt bad for that. But, we were late because we were praying. It was nice. I don't think I've ever really prayed like that before with the high school teachers. Bible study went well. I told/warned them about what I learned at the Teacher Retreat, that I was going to do anything/everything to make sure they are becoming more like Jesus. They were sort of scared, but they said they felt that it was a good thing. It's also a way to keep me accountable as well; I can't necessarily rebuke them if I'm not living a Jesus-centered life.

We're going through the Old Testament right now. Sunday's bible study was about Exodus, covenants and the commandments. We learned that obeying God is a way for us to express our love towards him. We went through the Ten Commandments and further discussed the ones we need to work on. We each made a commitment to obey God in a specific way this week: a couple of girls want to honor their parents more, be patient with siblings, one wants to spend more time with God. I thought about the first commandment: have no other gods before God. I analyzed how I spend my time. I realized that I've been spending a lot of time with the ipod; therefore...

I'm fasting my ipod this week. Right after I hesitantly said this, Eric (who happened to be sitting nearby, overheard what I said) looked over, gave me a bewildered look and exclaimed, "Are you crazy?!"

This turned out to be a good thing Sunday night though. I think ever since I got the ipod, my mommy and I didn't talk that much during car drives anymore. But on Sunday, we had a wonderful talk on the way home. We discussed what we've been learning, where we're reading the Bible and our futures. The last topic was perhaps the most exciting for me. As far back as I can remember, we always only discussed my future. But it was so rad to discuss my mommy's future. My mommy has had a spiritual awakening the past few months, so it's just really neat to see how she's growing and changing spiritually. She really feels like she needs to go out into the world and live for Christ, sharing the gospel. So we discussed some possible options for her. (I suppose I can share more about this with those who really want to know. Just ask me.)

I'm excited for this week. I have lunch dates with three of my girls this week. It's awesome having seniors; they all get out of school at 12:30. My first date is with Susan tomorrow. :)

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

The Long Day Is Over

*Whew.

Today was a bit tiring. I woke up and went to L.A. with John MSN for his radio show taping. Why does he always make me drive? Never again. Mansoo's mom and dad said that truly smart people know how to say "no". I'm a babo (which means dumb).

After L.A., I tutored from 3 to well, now - 10:20 p.m. I had an hour break between 7 and 8 to eat dinner. I enjoy tutoring. I really do. But today, right now, at this moment, I am tired. Oh! But I had a really nice tutoring time with Eric and William. They're brothers (who have two older brothers). We study at this huge, really nice dining table. I usually sit across from them because that's where the mom placed me the first day. I've been leaning across the ginormous table to try to help them or see their textbooks. It finally dawned on me today, 'why don't I just sit next to them?', so I did. It made such a difference. I felt much closer to them and am definitely falling in love with them. I start tutoring them everyday starting next week; I like working with Eric because he tests my patience. He doesn't do it on purpose, at least I don't think.

I started reading Blaise Pascal's Pensees. He rocks my world. I heart him.

I also started reading The Poisionwood Bible. I'm thoroughly enjoying it. The book is about an evangelical Baptist, his wife and four daughters as they go to the Congo as missionaries. Each chapter is told from the perspective of one of the daughters. I identify most with Adah. She's hemiplegic and doesn't speak. But, she is quite the thinker and writer. I love the way she describes things. I especially like her appreciation for palindromes ("with their perfect, satisfying taste: Draw a level award!"); it cracks me up.

"I am a perfect palindrome. Damn mad!"

Hmm... what else did I want to blog about...

I overheard Mansoo's dad talking to Heidi on the phone. He sounded so happy. It was cute.

I miss my daddy.

With no reprise
The sun will rise
The long day is over

Words

I like to look up words I don't know. I also like making my tutor students look up words they don't know. I find it hilarious how some of the students have to sing through the alphabet song to figure out where to look in the dictionary.

As I was looking up 'strange' and 'weird' because of Heidi's post asking which is worse, I got sidetracked. I remembered a conversation with Dan and Johny. We were discussing the differences between 'geek', 'nerd' and 'dork'. Dan said he was a geek. They called me a nerd. Johny said people call him a dork. Then they said that the meaning of 'geek' was a guy who eats a chicken's head. So, I decided to look it up. Good 'ol dependable Merriam-Webster.

* geek: 1 : a carnival performer often billed as a wild man whose act usually includes biting the head off a live chicken or snake 2 : a person often of an intellectual bent who is disapproved of
* nerd: : an unstylish, unattractive, or socially inept person; especially : one slavishly devoted to intellectual or academic pursuits
Did you know that the word 'nerd' probably comes from a Dr. Seuss book? I thought that was fascinating.
* dork: slang : nerd; also: jerk

I don't think Johny is a dork.
Dan may be a geek. Who knows? He might have a secret-double-carnival life.

Now, this may be just me being odd, but I like to click on the button that gives the pronunciation of a word. Certain words just sound funny to me. For example, the word, 'bloke'. I remember when I first looked up the word in London and I just kept hearing it over and over again because I thought it was funny. Hmm, maybe I shouldn't have shared that. Oh well.

Finally Finished

with Anna Karenina.

I really liked it. I might have liked the ending a little more if my mommy didn't ruin the ending for me. She always does that. argh.

Me: So yeah, I'm almost done with the book.
Mommy: Did (the ending) happen yet?
Me: What?! Uhma!!!!!! You ALWAYS do that!!! Why???
Mommy: (starts laughing)
Me: (I try to stay upset) Uhma~! (end up exploding in laughter)

We both laugh.

I had a nice weekend at home-home. My mommy, her friend and I went to a bunch of antique stores Saturday morning. They both crack me up. They kept picking things up and telling stories about how they used all these things. My mommy is now on the hunt for "antiques" in our home. I think I encouraged her to not throw anything away. My mission in my family is to make my dad and mommy throw things away. So, mission: failed (miserably). They keep everything.

Often times, I secretly throw a bunch of things away when they're both not home. It's a little harder to throw my dad's things away because he remembers everything. He looks for things that we threw away years ago. How does he remember these things? My mommy is always scared to throw his things away, but I just do it anyway. So, 5 years after I threw away one of his old ties or decided to use it as a belt, he asked me, "Hey, where's that tie?" I simply shrugged.

I wish

it was raining.

The sun is shining bright, but the air is cool. It's refreshingly warm.

But, I still prefer rain.

Party in the Sky

We're all invited. :)

I like rain. It makes me feel ... happy, sad, contemplative, refreshed, relaxed, comforted, alone and grey all at once.

Lightning is exciting. I wish I wouldn't gasp so loud everytime I see lightning strike, but I can't help it.

Thunder frightens me. When I hear thunder, I am consumed by the yucky feeling I experience when someone is yelling at me or upset with me. Ack.

Back to rain. *sigh*

Oh! I should listen to The Carpenters' Rainy Days and Mondays! That used to be my ..wait, it still might be.. my favorite Carpenters' song. Can you imagine a fourth-grade me looking out my window in Lake Elsinore listening to this song every time it would rain on a Monday? Oh, that window. I did daydream quite a bit looking out that window. How I desired to not be a small-town girl. A cliche, I know.

But I think deep down inside, I am a small-town girl and always will be.
I have learned to embrace the girl.

I could listen to rain all day.

Boring/Bored

I was sitting on Mansoo's bed waiting for him to finish his homework. He has three tests tomorrow that we need to study for.

Mansoo: Are you boring?
Me: No, you're boring. I'm bored.
Mansoo: What? You can't say that to me.
Me: Yes, I can.

Me Pregnant?!

Mansoo's mom cracks me up. We just chatted for about an hour as she was preparing for her feast tonight.

Mansoo's mom: You don't eat enough.
Me: Yes, I do.
Mansoo's mom: No, you don't. You should eat more. Otherwise, when you get pregnant, you won't be healthy enough. And later on in your life, your bones will start hurting.
Me: What?! Pregnant?!
Mansoo's mom: (laughs) I mean later later on after you're married. But you have to first find a boyfriend. Why don't you have a boyfriend?
(This is a recurring conversation topic: about every... 2 months or so, the "why don't you have a boyfriend?" question pops into any conversation)
Me: (just smiles and stays silent)
Mansoo's mom: Go be a girl and drop some wallets... trip and fall or something in front of a guy!
Me: (explodes in laughter) I have to fall, even?!
Mansoo's mom: Yes! Don't you watch Korean dramas?
(We laugh... this is my perfect opportunity to change the topic.)
Me: You know the tea cups you have up there in the cupboard. The ones on the very top on the very right? Where did you get them? (I've been meaning to ask. I'm a sucker for pretty cups)
Mansoo's mom: Oh, those. I think I got them at TJ Maxx.
Me: Really?! Wow, they seem so European.
Mansoo's mom: When you get married, I'll give them to you as a wedding present. (giddily smiles)

***
Mansoo's mom: 124
Grace: 0

I want to be

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails...

Blessed

The retreat was ... neat. It seemed a bit more tiring than other EM retreats because of the packed schedule and I was feeling a bit under the weather. However, I feel that everything about the retreat worked quite perfectly.

I think I've pretty much shared with most everyone (including my tutor students today) what I learned at the retreat, but I shall share again for... well, Charlotte because she's far away. The main thing I learned was that I need to just make a plan and go for it. So many times, I'm affected and bogged down by people's expectations of me. I realized I just need to let go of all that, do my best in what's before me now (tutoring) and go on with my plan for the future. If it's not God's will, it won't happen. Overall, I feel at peace and delighted about what is to come. I was also reminded of the fact that I need to constantly be pursuing holiness by practicing spiritual disciplines. The main lesson for me was: live a holy life.

Some of the highlights from the retreat:

• Happy Hour with Sharon and Debbie. I heart them.
• Sleeping next to Hyojungee and talking about how we're doing these days. It was really an encouraging time. Thanks Dee.
• Times of prayer.
• Pray Around the World: it was long, but I thought it was necessary and good.
• Morning Q.T./journaling time
• I saw my first shooting star!!! I can still imagine it in my mind. I was so excited I didn't even get to make a wish. Oh well...

I can't seem to think so clearly right now because my head feels a bit full of snot (?). Oh, but even me being sick during the retreat, I think it was a good thing because it forced me to REALLY focus during the sermons. Otherwise, I think I would have thought about other things because my thoughts have a way of going berserk and weaving this web of random thoughts. However, since I was sick, I kept telling myself to focus on the sermon so I wouldn't focus on my headache or throat.

Anywho, it was a blessed time. I don't think I truly related everything clearly because I'm finding it difficult to concentrate at this time, but I wanted to blog before I forgot anything. So maybe later, I shall go into better detail and not make grammatical or spelling errors. I apologize for all you grammatical/spelling OCD-ers - I'm not going to proof-read. Oh, maybe I should... Hmmm... no. I'm going to read instead.

Nannyness

(thanks Michael for the title)

Some random thoughts of mine at 2 in the morning:

• The Constant Gardener: It reminded me a lot of South Africa. I was sad for a while, but now I'm trying to focus on the hope and love I saw and experienced there. I need to pray for Africa more. It breaks my heart so... how sad God must be... Hopefully, prayers will soothe.
• It's very uncomfortable to talk on the phone AND type at the same time. argh.
  
• I wish I was in 1963 flowers in my hair, little bitty hearts upon my cheek
• I want to play ping pong.
• I'm starting my nanny job this week. We'll see how that turns out. So far, I'm actually quite excited for it. I think it's a perfect opportunity to REALLY help Minsoo practice good studying habits.
• The Indian food I ate earlier was so spicy. I don't have any serious problems (yet).
• I haven't taken photos in a long time. I miss it.
  
• It would be neat to be able to "load" a whole bunch of books into my brain, especially the Bible. Talk about wisdom... Hmmmm... this is coming mighty close to teleportation on my impossible-things-i-think-about list.
• I haven't been to an art museum since London. Perhaps I shall check out the Basquiat exhibit at MOCA this week. Anyone want to go?
• I wish I could be more bold.
• I need to guard my heart more; actually, I need to rely on God to guard my heart and mind.
• I should sleep.
  

Grace

Grace
She takes the blame
She covers the shame
Removes the stain
It could be her name

Grace
It's a name for a girl
It's also a thought that
Changed the world

And when she walks on the street
You can hear the strings
Grace finds goodness
In everything

Grace
She's got the walk
Not on a ramp or on chalk
She's got the time to talk

She travels outside
Of karma, karma
She travels outside
Of karma

When she goes to work
You can hear the strings
Grace finds beauty
In everything

Grace
She carries a world on her hips
No champagne flute for her lips
No twirls or skips
Between her fingertips

She carries a pearl
In perfect condition
What once was hurt
What once was friction
What left a mark
No longer stings

Because grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things

Grace finds beauty
In everything

Grace finds goodness
In everything

I want to be grace.

can't sleep

It's way past my bedtime and I'm not tired at all. Why oh why?!

Oh...

I had a latte earlier.


Perhaps I shall read. Reading takes me into another realm where anything and everything is possible. I believe it's my way of flying without really flying.

I'm really getting into my book (Anna Karenina). I'm thoroughly enjoying Leo Tolstoy. I wish I could have met him, been his friend, or shaken his hand. The book is making me think about human relationships, love and of course, life. It's amazing. I'm about 300 pages into the book (I still have 515 more pages to go... it's the book that keeps giving) and not a whole lot has happened, yet Tolstoy's display of interwoven lives is so captivating. There is a conflict, but people don't just get swept away in it. They still meet up with their friends and live out the banalities of life. Although there are quite a few dramatic moments (where I put an exclamation point in the margin because I'm so shocked), I feel that the book reflects true moments of shame, embarrassment, joy, love. Tolstoy also mentions the soul quite often. I like that. It feels as if I'm getting to know the core of the character's being when he describes his/her soul. It's what I desire to know most - souls.

"I know his soul, and I know that we resemble each other."

I read Philippians today and it was quite encouraging. Once again, I realize I just need to pray more and worry less. For Paul, to live was Christ, to die was gain. I wonder... what does it mean for me to live?

To live is travel. To live is read. To live is watch movies. To live is listen to music. To live is spend time with uhma and friends.

"To live is Christ..."

I want to live.

I want to fly

.

Drained Full

It was a tiring, challenging weekend. I'm waiting for everything to marinate in my mind. I do know that I want to have a bigger heart - a bigger heart to love, to forgive, to impact. For this, I shall pray.


Things that made me happy at retreat:

• small group: I fell in love with my small group. Donbi and I clicked in a unique way. We both look at people on the freeway and wonder where they're going, who they are, why they're driving that particular car, or why they're wearing those clothes. We end up thinking of detailed life stories for these people we have never met. Then we think about the fact that all these people probably have families. We feel overwhelmed and our minds just crash. We blame books for our overly active imagination and the fact that we're obsessed with stories. The girls were all amazing. As they shared, I learned so much from them. I can't wait to see how God is going to work through them to reveal Himself.
• morning prayer: There's something so refreshing and perfect about starting the day in prayer. Must do this more often.
• free time naps: So yummy.
• Johny singing "Sitting, Waiting, Wishing" to me while I was sleeping. When I woke up, I thought it was in my dream, but later found out that it really happened. It's so strange; I even remember his voice: "This song is for Grace Liu." I woke up feeling so warm and comforted inside.
• heart to heart with Dan. Always so comfortable. Thanks pal.
• falling asleep listening to Chopin (well, this is always... but I ESPECIALLY enjoy it after a long day). By the way, thanks Paul for the sleeping bag. I truly appreciated it.
• hanging out with JiSoo and watching Ed take care of his little sister so lovingly.
• watching the students praise their hearts out

I hope we made God happy.

Where's Your Walden?

the beach for me. It's thought-provoking and makes me happy.

Mon's dream place is Walden (that Thoreau... he's so dreamy).

Mon: Yeah, I want a log cabin ... and a seadoo.
Grace: I'm not sure there was a seadoo in Walden. Aren't you supposed to be like finding yourself?
Mon: I'll find myself on my seadoo... Hey! It'll be Mon-den.

They Weren't There

You breathed infinity into my world
and time was lost up in a cloud and in a whirl.
We dug a hole in the cool grey earth and lay there for the night.
Then you said, "wait for me we'll fly the wind,
we'll grow old and you'll be stronger without him" but oh,
now my world is at your feet. I was lost and I was found,
but I was alive and now I've drowned.
So now I will be waiting for the world to hear my song
so they can tell me I was wrong...

But they weren't there beneath your stare,
and they weren't stripped 'till they were bare
of any bindings from the world outside that room.
And they weren't taken by the hand
and led through fields of naked land
where any pre-conceived ideas were blown away...
so I couldn't say "no".

You sighed and I was lost in you, weeks could've past for all I knew.
You were there blanket of the over-world and so I couldn't say,
I wouldn't say "no". But they all said, "you're too young to even know,
just don't let it grow and you'll be stronger without him"
but oh, now, my world is at your feet. I was lost and I was found,
but I was alive and now I've drowned.
So now I will be waiting for the world to hear my song
so they can tell me I was wrong...

But they weren't there beneath your stare,
and they weren't stripped 'till they were bare
of any bindings from the world outside that room.
And they weren't taken by the hand and led through fields
of naked land where any pre-conceived ideas were blown away...
so I couldn't say "no".

*sigh*

Things that look pretty from a little distance

. an island
. the backs of a parent and child holding hands
. a spiderweb
. the still reflection of a mountain on a lake
. tree leaves dancing to the rhythm of the breeze
. crashing waves
. a man playing the piano
. someone reading, writing, drawing
. the land of South Africa
. the sun's rays piercing its way through the clouds

. an act of love...

I wish I could get closer.

I wish I could just freeze time and stare. To just sit and immerse myself in beauty... hoping that I could just melt and become a new entity, actually that I would just be swept away by beauty and live as an abstract idea on the peripheral. That would be brilliant.

Traffic

I went to the beach with Mon today. It was absolutely perfect. The water felt refreshing, the sun comforting and my worries and anxiety seemed to drift away with the breeze. These days, I seem to have lots of thoughts. This results in many collisions in my mind. I can't even journal. I think about it, but then I don't even know where to begin. I'm pretty sure I'll feel better and together once I journal, but yeah. I was planning on journaling once I went to the beach, but I ended up sleeping. It was the yummiest nap ever.

I was going to update, but there's too much traffic in my mind. Once it clears up, I'll write some more. For now, I want to enjoy this hollow, light feeling. It's a bit peculiar.

RL

I don't think I really live in reality. And I don't have an idea of what reality is. The past is but a vague memory, the future unknown and I don't really live in the present either. Where am I? I think I live in my thoughts.

Anywho, I'm a bit nervous and excited about this week. It feels good to feel prepared, but I still feel a bit uneasy about it all. Plus, I need to spend time in the Word no matter how busy I am. Seriously. I'm starving.

It's a nice, cool night now. It makes me want to go to the beach and stare closely at the waves crashing. I like being mesmerized by the glowing white foam that gathers with each roaring wave.

Smile/Frown

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
wonderfully fantastic. Johnny Depp rocks my world. How/why is he so good? He makes me smile.

The Week Ahead
will be quite busy, but I suppose it's better to be busy than not (?), or that's something I keep trying to brainwash myself to believe. Anywho, I'm not too stressed 'cause it's all about taking it one day at a time. I just wish I didn't look/feel so tired; it's quite embarassing and I feel bad. Every time I go tutor Minsoo, he says I always look tired. I feel bad about it. I even try to look extra energetic before tutoring. I take about 5 deep breaths, pat my cheeks three times, then let out a nice, "ok, here we go." before I go inside to tutor. But as soon as I see him, the moment he says, "Whoa, you look tired," I feel uber dumb for doing what I just did in the car... all for nothing. This makes me frown. But this week, I don't think I'll be as tired. I had a relaxing weekend.

I heart Coldplay.
So, I've been binging on Coldplay these days (of course, this makes me smile). I haven't bought the new album yet 'cause I don't want to be disappointed. How can you really get any better than the previous albums? Plus, I think Gwyneth has tainted the creative mind of Chris; this makes me frown.

Rewind
Have you ever wished you could turn back time or that you could have the remote control for life. I recently was reminded of this. When I was a kid, I used to always imagine what it would be like if I could rewind, fast forward, or pause life. I can still vividly remember the images in my mind. It's quite strange being that I have an awful memory. How do I remember stuff like that? The imagination is fun. 100 cool points for God for thinking of that one. I smile.

let’s go back to the start

A Moment to Think

I'm home-home today. I feel uber relaxed and quite happy. Last night, Ames and I chatted for a little bit and she asked if I had a drink 'cause i sounded so relaxed. It's nice to be home-home and not have any tutoring (my tutoring got cancelled today). Today is a day of mellowness. I want to go to the beach.

Fullerton Tutors
It's definitely been a challenge trying to balance what the parents want for their kids, what the place wants for the kids and what I think they should learn before going back to school. I finally broke down this week. Thanks Andy, Paul and Ames for dealing with my break down and encouraging me. The last two days this week post-break-down were good. I'm falling for some of the kids. We play a question game in my 4/5 combo class where they pick a question from a bag and answer it. Vanesa blew me away.

Vanesa's question: If you could trade places with someone for a day, who would you trade places with?
Vanesa: a blind person.
Me: huh? what? why? (most kids choose the president or teachers so they could make homework illegal)
Vanesa: so that person could see for a day.

I seriously had to hold back the tears. The next day she insisted that she sit in between my two punks so they wouldn't be able to talk as much. It made a huge difference. Thank you Vanesa.

The kids look so cute when they're so quiet and studying hard. I just stare at them and want to hug them.

Small Group
A few of us met up for dinner on Wednesday to plan things out. It was quite an encouraging time talking about how we're all doing spiritually. I realize that I really need to work on being joyful at all times instead of being so swayed by circumstances.

Job Hunt
I'm not as stressed out about finding a job these days. I realize that it doesn't help any to worry about it. I've prayed about it a lot more, which I think helps. I keep having to remind myself that God is the one in control and he's the ultimate planner, so I just need to let go. I like to plan, but God is much better at it than I am. I was talking to Mira SMN about it and she said, 'You know Grace, God loves it when you're unsure of the future and feeling uneasy 'cause that's when he can really show you how powerful he is... You'll know for sure that it's all Him and not you.' I look forward to that.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
comes out today!!! I'm uber excited. I re-read the book this week and it was so fun. I was excited before for it, but now I really can't wait to see it.

Overall
feeling good. I was feeling overwhelmed this week, but I think it'll be okay. A challenging couple of weeks ahead. But what will help me through? The Word, prayer, friends and my ipod.

Nothing is more powerful than beauty in a wicked world.

I want to see the beauty.

London Attacks

It sends chills up my spine. Both of the attack locations were places I frequented at least once a day. As I watch the news and see places I recognize... an eerie feeling comes over me. It scares me.

Nightminds

Just lay it all down. Put your face into my neck and let it fall out.
I know
I know
I know.
I knew before you got home.

This world you're in now,
it doesn't have to be alone,
I'll get there somehow,
'cause
I know I know I know
when, even springtime feels cold.

But I will learn to breathe this ugliness you see,
so we can both be there and we can both share the dark.
And in our honesty, together we will rise,
out of our nightminds,
and into the light at the end of the fight...

You were blessed by a different kind of inner view: it's all magnified.
The highs would make you fly, and the lows make you want to die.
And I was once there, hanging from that very ledge where you are standing.
So I know
I know
I know, it's easier to let go.

But I will learn to breathe this ugliness you see,
so we can both be there and we can both share the dark.
And in our honesty, together we will rise out of our nightminds
and into the light at the end of the fight.

...and in our honesty, together we will rise out of our nightminds and into the light... at the end of the fight...

We're All Crazy

We only vary in extent and type.

I didn't go to Fullerton Tutors today because the cold finally hit me and basically kicked my arse yesterday. Today, I felt much better but not well enough to go teach the little terrors, I mean, students. I think my problem yesterday was that I quarantined myself in a room and was in bed all day long. I feel as if that made me feel worse, so today I decided to spend a day out just taking it easy.

Mon and I met up for lunch. It was such a pleasant time of talking, eating and enjoying our 'faux nature'. We sat outside where we were surrounded by glass and clear tarps to protect us from bugs and other flying things, but we could see the nice pond below and feel a nice cool breeze from the fan above. After lunch, we discovered a Dippin' Dots store. It was so delightful. Something about eating those little dots ... it's so pleasant. It was the perfect day out.

Okay, I'm going to bring it up again... So I was thinking a bit more deeply about teleportation today and wondered whether there would be air molecule traffic. Could there be collisions too? Hmmm... I wonder... I've only thought about the benefits: decreased air pollution, convenience, etc. It sort of scared me to think about the possible dangers and negative consequences. And what about all those people who work for the car industry? But we would rely less on oil. Hmm, I'm going to have to think this out more fully.

Quote of the day: "Grace, Jesus loves you so much that when you get to heaven, he'll probably have your name in a special color 'cause you like things color-coded." - Monica Morales.
This makes me smile. :)
I heart you Mon.

Scratchy Throat, I Hate

My throat is being quite annoying. I don't know what I ever did to make it pissed off at me. I don't even drink soda because it hurts my throat. It might have been the speaking above my normal speaking voice at the tutor place (now that I think about it). Anywho, it'll be nice when this scratchiness goes away.

On a happy note, Monday is a holiday which means no tutoring place. Hoorah! I started tutoring two of Minsoo's friends on Friday. They're so cute. A couple of big boys who are going to be 9th graders in the fall. They like to read and they listen so intently. I like so far. Plus, Minsoo's been doing his homework and he's actually getting into the book I'm having him read. It makes me smile. :) I subtly brainwash him with my 'you have to be skeptical of politicians' using the characters in Animal Farm.

I want to go to the beach. I daydreamed about it often today.

Speaking of daydream (I think I've mentioned this before), I think about the wonders of teleportation at least once a day. Amy says I need to live in reality. But today, I thought about how neat it would be if you could hold hands in a line and be teleported in a wave. It makes me giggle when I imagine it... one person at a time disappearing and appearing in a wave.

Amidst Business

I got a job at this tutoring place and it's week one. It's been a bit of a challenge because I'm not used to tutoring 7 kids at one time, plus they're elementary school students. I realize that I don't EVER want to be an elementary school teacher. How do they do it?! Oh, the little terrors. But within the three hours I spend with them, I get to know them and experience momentary glimpses into their minds and souls. Those are the moments worth the hours of lesson planning and commuting. I know that this is the task before me now and I should do my best. As I drive to work, I get uber motivated and excited about the day. But by the end of the three hours, I leave work with a headache. I feel inadequate and know that I haven't done my best because I'm just not passionate about math. It's all physically draining for now, but I'm sure there is a lesson to be learned and I can't wait to discover that...

Speaking of what is to come, I had lunch with Diane today and realized that I think about the future a lot. I've been this way my entire life - always thinking of the future. I look forward to growing old, experiencing more, learning everyday and gaining wisdom through it all. Being happy in the 'now' or even thinking about the 'now' is something I struggle with. Even when I do think about the 'now', it's in relation to the future. I've always just thought that there is so much more in the future. I think I need to retouch upon the 'being joyful in all circumstances' lesson.

Have Internet

As Dan mentioned in his nice comment, I do now have internet, so here I am posting. Hmm... where to begin...

Some random points, happenings, thoughts I've had since my last post:

• I feel that I've had my share of graduations to hold me over until next year, possibly the next. (Thank you to everyone who came to mine even though it was quite hot)
  
• I like pulling grass and the feeling when a piece of grass comes out perfectly smooth (without being torn - do you know what I mean?). It feels refreshing.
  
• I feel overwhelmed with having to figure out what I'm supposed to with the rest of my life. I'm getting tired of parents telling me to go to law school or be a teacher (because that's the best job for a girl).
• Hmm, I feel a lot.
• I heart Amos Lee. He makes me want to cry (in a good way).
• Ecclesiastes was a depressing book to read; at least the end was to the point.
  
• It's quite hot in Lake Elsinore.
• People think they're in their living rooms when they go to the cinema in the Inland Empire. Mon and I watched Mr. & Mrs. Smith. The two people on Mon's left kept repeating lines. The family of three on my left laughed hysterically at EVERYTHING, which led to snorting at times. The family also proceeded to add their own commentary and read signs out loud. Mon and I were blown away; by the end we just laughed.
• I need to get a job (Charlotte: background chorus please).
  

Well, I can't think of anything else to write for now. I'm sorry it's nothing fantastic or profound. Perhaps I need to get back in the hang of blogging.

For now, let's be happy that we all exist and smile about the little joys that come our way.

No Internet

:(

I just thought I should let my ..oh.. 3 readers know that I am alive, well and intend to continue blogging once I get internet in my humble home in the IE. Mid-June my friends.

'Til then, look up at the sky, close your eyes, enjoy the sun's orange glow in your eyes and smile.

Back to the Nest

I can't believe I'm going home tomorrow, today. It's quite surreal. A good part of the day was spent finishing up the doc - tweaked around with the sound, etc.

Then Joe, our boss, came over and cooked dinner for us. Yummy fajitas - it was a good prep food for going home. Plus, I got to make the guacamole. Can you believe it?! It's insane - Ming took pictures because it was shocking to see me cooking. It was a nice dinner.

I'm a bit tired right now, but still feeling unsettled in my mind. I think once I get on the plane, I'll be able to unwind and relax. I can't wait to drink tea from my new neato thermos. Maybe I'll be sitting next to a nice neighbor and I can share it with him/her.

Time to fly back to the nest...

Kisses

Today was a full day. Ming and I woke up early, packed lunches and went over to Camden to do some last-minute shopping. Then we went over to Hyde Park and had our picnic. It was a gloriously lovely day. Clear skies, cool light breeze, the sun kissing my skin. Simply delightful. The flowers were so pretty and we found an amazing tree where the branches enveloped us inside.

Afterwards, I went over to Tate Modern (my happy place) by myself. I sat in front of 'my Pollock' (Summertime) for an hour and just stared. Today, the gray strokes jumped out at me. They don't seem to make sense, but add to the painting. They add depth, intensity and passion. I want to be the gray strokes. I've been feeling so frazzled these days with trying to get things together before I leave, finishing the doc and facing the reality of graduation, the uncertainty of the future. It's a bit ironic how such a 'chaotic' painting can bring me such peace and refreshment. It kisses my spirit.

After a good refreshed time at Tate Modern, I went over to Leicester Square for the premiere of Kingdom of Heaven. Liz was going to be there, so I was going to meet up with her. But I ended up just hanging by myself behind these two really cute junior high girls who brought flowers for Orlando Bloom. After waiting for a while, he came. It was absolute mayhem. He was so nice to go around to all the fans even though his publicists were telling him he had to go inside. Orlando. He's quite a good-lookin' fella. The girls in front of me gave him the flowers and he was quite touched. He gave the girls kisses on their cheeks and they nearly died.

Content

I went to Westminster Abbey today for the sung eucharist. It was different from St. Paul's, but I liked it. The sermon was about environmental protection!!! Uber rad! (Okay, sorry about the overload on exclamation points, but I really am expressing my excitement) He talked about how with the general election coming up here, green issues get swept under the rug and how that's not right. He encouraged everyone to not just sit back and wait for the world to change, but to actually do something about it at an individual level (it really related to what we talked about yesterday Ames). It was the perfect last message to hear before leaving, facing graduation.

Afterwards, I met up with Ming at Camden (a street market - a bit more alternative than Portobello). It was fun watching and assisting Ming with her jewelry shopping. I bought a few scarves for gifts (and for myself) and I finally got this polka-dot shirt I've been wanting since the first time I went to Camden. There was a Korean man running one of the booths. It was nice to speak Korean.

I think it's sad that I spend my entire paycheck - an entire week's worth of work - in a weekend. About a quarter of it went to tea, yes tea. I'm crazy.

Well, I'm nearly all packed. It's a strange, surreal feeling to think I'll be coming home in a couple of days. Oh my goodness - a couple of days!!! I'm excited to see everyone and especially my mommy. I really missed her. We sent cards to each other throughout my time here, so that's been fun. She said she has a "London corner" where she has pictures, postcards, bookmarks, and cards I've sent her. That makes me smile.

I'll Never Break Your Heart

Moment of the day: Ming and Liz singing their little hearts out to Backstreet Boys and even harmonizing, singing the "improv" lines and "mmm"s. Priceless.

Well we're still not done with the doc, but Ming Ming got so much done today. She rocks at this editing thing. I suck at it. I keep messing things up. After work and going over to school, we treated ourselves to Thai food. It was quite yummy.

It saddens me that tomorrow will be my last Saturday at Portobello. Ming Ming and I are finally going to do our Asian tourists act tomorrow, I think. Since everyone assumes we're Japanese tourists, might as well have fun with it. I'm expecting lots of foberrific pictures - I probably won't post those online.

(oh my gosh I can't even type right now - the Backstreet Boys sing-a-long is hilarious)

Anywho, things I want to do this weekend:
- buy bone china for my mommy and her friends
- finish the National Gallery - I have one wing left! Saved the best for last!
- eat Indian food
- take one last trip to Tate Modern and sit in front of "my Pollock" for a couple of hours (perhaps try to take a picture of it - risk getting kicked out)
- go to Westminster Abbey for service and listen to the boys choir
- hmm, can't think of anything else, any suggestions?
- perhaps just enjoy London
- try to get some color, so I don't look as sickly when I go back home. I'm as pale as a ghost.

tired

.

Delirium

- "Grace, there's only so much you can pick!" - Nancy on me picking my cigarette but scab.
Good news: what I thought was a scar is a scab, so now that I've picked at it, I just have a bald spot on my arm.

- "It should actually be quite miserable by Thursday." - weather forecaster on the weather in London. I can't believe she said this with a smile and cheery tone.

- "I'm so over it!" - all of us on our journalism projects.

Soul Food

I went to Maurizio Pollini's Chopin concert Sunday. I truly nearly cried tears of joy. I can't believe I was there, so close. *sigh* Pollini was flippin' brilliant. He played with such expressivness. That hall was not big enough for the emotions of that man. He would look up to the sky at times and take these deep breaths as if he were inhaling the notes that were exuding from the open grand piano before him. As he was playing, I could hear him breathing deeply and see him closing his eyes so tightly at times hunched over the keys. He would use his right foot to push the pedal and his left foot would shuffle back and forth, sometimes pressing so hard to the ground that he would slightly rise from the seat. I liked how he hummed and mumbled as he played - it was neat how I could hear him singing along to what he was playing. He basically took my breath away. I was mesmerized for three hours. At the end, he received a standing-o and played FOUR encores. It was amazing - especially the last two pieces - he was so just there! He played with such intensity and precision.

Well, I could go on and on... but I'll just leave it at that. What can I say? I heart Chopin and now I heart Pollini. He seemed like such a nice, modest man.

Grey

I have a feeling this is going to be a song I will be obsessed with:

The sky is grey
The sand is grey
And the ocean is grey

And i feel right at home
In this stunning monochrome
Alone in my way

I smoke and i drink
And every time i blink
I have a tiny dream

But as bad as i am
I'm proud of the fact
That i'm worse than I seem

What kind of paradise am I looking for?
I've got everything i want and still I want more
Maybe some tiny shiny key
Will wash up on the shore

You walk through my walls
Like a ghost on tv
You penetrate me

And my little pink heart
Is on its little brown raft
Floating out to sea

And what can i say
But I'm wired this way
And you're wired to me

And what can i do
But wallow in you
Unintentionally
What kind of paradise am I looking for?
I've got everything I want and still I want more
Maybe some tiny shiny key
Will wash up on the shore

Regretfully
I guess I've only got three
Simple things to say:
Why me?
Why this now?
Why this way?
With overtones ringing
And undertows pulling away
Under a sky that is grey
On sand that is grey
By an ocean that's grey

What kind of paradise am i looking for?
I've got everything I want
And still I want more
Maybe some tiny shiny key
Will wash up on the shore

Food

Foods I will eat as soon as I get back:
1. King Taco burrito
2. Ggo-lee-gom-tang
3. Good sushi
4. Shik-do-rak
5. In-N-Out Cheeseburger w/o meat
6. basically most Korean food
7. Smoothie!!!
8. Fruits and Vegetables (they're so expensive here - all I basically eat here are carbs.. LOTS of bread/pasta)
9. Tofu, lots of it.

Foods I will miss when I get back:
1. CRUMPETS! Oh, my love.
2. Chicken sandwich from the Kebab place across the street
3. nutella (I know we have it in the States, but I like leaving it as a Europe thing - for some reason, I only eat it obsessively when I'm in Europe)
4. yummy teas

Random Thoughts

1. So I'm super jealous of Ming because she finally got to eat one of the sandwiches we make at work. I have still not eaten a Gazzano's sandwich. I must confess that I have actually had to really stop myself THREE times from just biting into one of the sandwiches I've made. Ming says we can call it the "Grace special" - a Gazzano's sandwich with a nice bite mark. Can you believe I make 8 dollar sandwiches? Can you believe people buy 8 dollar sandwiches for lunch? Then have a 3 dollar latte. By the way, I learned how to use the espresso machine today. It was so much fun. I can't wait to own one of my own.

Working at Gazzano's makes me use my left hand more. I like it. I feel much more efficient.

2. Something is so wrong when Ming and I are sitting right in front of each other and IMing, while she's talking through the internet with a friend back home. Hi Will!

3. I hate dreams that involve airplanes, airports, traveling, etc. They bite.

4. I like dreams about people who make me happy.

5. But who is she?!

6. Good grief.

Speed of Sound

how long before I get in
before it starts, before I begin
how long before we decide
before I know what it feels like
where do, where do I go
if you never tried then you'll never know
how long do I have to climb
up on this side of this mountain of mine

look up, I look up at night
planets are moving at the speed of light
come up, up in the trees
every chance that you get
is a chance you seize
how long I can stand
with my head stuck under the sand
I start before I can stop
before I say things that I made up

and all that noise, all that sound
all these pieces that I have found
and the earth is gone flying at the speed of sound
to show how it all began
birds come flying from the underground
if you could see it then you'd understand

ideas that you'll never find
all the inventors could never design
all the buildings that you put up
Japan and China were all lit up
the first sign that I couldn't read
all the land that I couldn't see
somethings you have to believe
but others are puzzles, puzzling me

and all that noise, all that sound
all those pieces that I have found
and the earth is gone flying at the speed of sound
to show how it all began
birds come flying from the underground
if you could see it then you'd understand

all those signs I knew what they meant
somethings you can't invent
something... something...

words go flying at the speed of sound
to show how it all began
birds came flying from the underground
if you could see it then you'd understand
oh, when you see it then you'll understand

i heart coldplay.

Lab Rat

Good grief. My brain feels tired. I spent four hours of my day transcribing a 20-minute interview verbatim - it's physically draining to listen so intently for four hours, rewinding, relistening, etc. Plus, I've had way too much stimulation the last 24 hours. I feel like a lab rat - those poor things.

We had an interview this morning with a health official. She was super nice and quite helpful. She cycles 5 miles to an underground station, then rides the train to work to be environmentally sound. She rocks my world.

Then on the way home, Ming and I took a cab (my first time) to get some thoughts about the new green tax (it's a 20p = 40 cents surcharge to every cab fare that goes towards making taxis more environmentally friendly). First, we tried to ask this guy if we could interview him on the way home and he said no, drove off. So we decided we just had to wing it. We got in a cab, pretended like we were American tourists, which isn't very hard to do.

Ming: So, I heard that you guys are starting this green tax thing? Have they started that yet?
Cab driver: Oh yeah, they started that this month.
(He proceeds to go on and rant about how useless it is)
Ming and I chime in every so often with our American-ness: What? 20p? That's like 40 cents! What's the government doing? Wow, it's gonna take a lot of 20p's to fix the environment.

Meanwhile, I'm taping the entire thing. He didn't say anything because he probably assumed I was taping anything and everything because I'm an American tourist. So he dropped us off near our flat, but didn't know exactly where our little street was, so he offered to show us a map, but we said we would just ask around. So yeah, I feel that it's a bit unethical; but I shall share the truth with you all - my friends who will not judge me (minus you, yes you).

I have to get this project done! It's really stressing me out - can't sleep, no appetite, the usual symptoms of stress. It's all good though - we'll get this baby done by next week then it's relaxin' and finishing up my museums 'til I go home.

I practiced packing and everything fits. The only issue is carrying my ginormous bag that I've replaced my suitcase with. It's basically a huge shopping bag. Hmmm... gotta think about how I'm going to manage that.

*Sigh*

Today was a nice day. Just a simple nice day. I started out the day reading Proverbs, which is well, full of proverbs. Today, it was all about understanding and how with understanding comes wisdom.

Then, I worked on the doc for a little bit. Ming came back from Paris and we caught up on things. It's nice to have her back. :) We went to the South Bank Centre along the River Thames. She got tickets for the Chopin concert next Sunday, so now she can be my date. We spent a majority of our time browsing the outdoor bookstore along the Thames. It's quite a sight - a bunch of books on tables outside. It was a glorious sight. Oh, don't you worry - of course, I took pictures.

By the way, there were other people taking photos as well. They would take random pictures of people looking through the books and such. I thought it was neat. Then, I caught one man taking pictures of me. So I thought later on, I wonder how those pictures turned out. I wonder what he thinks as he looks at those photos - photos of strangers. Quite a mystery to me.

We came back, ate dinner, talked, did pilates (more laughed than actually exercise). We decided that we both needed to catch up in our journals. So we put the kettle on, made our cups o'tea, I turned on the Chopin and we journaled. It was nice to slouch, sink into the couch, sip my brown rice/green tea, while listening to Chopin and writing in my journal. The entry was quite random, sad at times, sappy, thoughtless and thoughtful at the same time. Ok, now I'm not making sense so that's my cue to sign out.

Off to go practice packing.

Yay!

"Just got paid, Friday night
Party hoppin', feelin right"

*wink, wink* Mon.

However, rather than 'party hoppin', I shall be doing some script writing. Hey, at least we got some interviews - one with a health official and another with a professor. The government official rejected me because it's election time here and things are a bit crazy. Boo. Oh well, I am still thankful for the two other ones.

Gazzano's

I started working downstairs at the deli that's below our flat. It's a cute place where they sell fresh bread, cheese, basil, etc. In the back is a sit-down place and a sandwich deli (that's where I'm based). Gazzano's is a family run place (I'm sure you can tell by the name that it's Italian).

Today was training day so I learned how to make the sandwiches and clean the place the way Joe wants it to be cleaned. He's a funny fella; quite a charming guy. But when it comes to cleaning, he's super anal. It cracks me up. Joe talked it up most of the day talking about girls, places he's visited, etc. It didn't even feel like work and the hours went by so quickly. Plus, I learned how to make yummy fancy sandwiches with ingredients I can't pronounce.

Hopefully, I can learn how to make all the coffee things soon because the espresso machine is absolutely beautiful. I've wanted my own espresso machine ever since my love affair with coffee began. I stare at the machine in awe.

I think I'm going to like working there. :)

It bites.

It's going to scar. Me with a cigarette butt burn on my arm. What the mother crazy?!

By the way, why do some people do it on purpose? Burn themselves with their cigarette butts? It hurts. I don't think it looks pretty.

Just Dandy

The evening first began with our ginormous and fancy feast that Ming cooked for our flat. It was fun watching and being her little helper around the kitchen. The meal was absolutely delicious.

We had some interesting conversation after dinner. We really went into detail in our discussion about amusement parks. It was a delightful evening.

But oh, it didn’t end there. So around 10, Ming wants to go out. So we decide to go to this place in Covent Garden that’s supposed to be really neat. Mandy and Sandy. Those were our aliases for the night. Mandy = me. Sandy = Ming. The place was quite neat – the vibe was more mellow than a regular club and the crowd was young because it was student night. Plus, the music was great at first. Then, it turned into the regular Euro-techno-crap. But then, it turned back around to hip-hop. Oh, but it wouldn’t be a club in London without some ‘Footloose’ and Earth, Wind and Fire. It’s amazing how everyone knows the lyrics to the cheesiest songs ever.

The night continues with Ming and I, I mean Sandy and I having a spectacular time just dancing. Various creepy guys approached us and we kept having to save each other (I’ll get back to them later). I just don’t enjoy dancing with guys. I’m more of a dance-by-myself kinda gal – maybe it’s the personal bubble space thing, I don’t know.

(‘Ow’ moment of the day: This girl smoking a cigarette burned my arm with her cigarette butt. It still hurts and is red. I hope it doesn’t scar. That would bite.)

Anywho, Ming had been eyeing this fellow throughout the night, so finally towards the end, I just went up to him and said, “Hey, give my friend a dance, yeah?” That simple. And Ming was a happy camper for the next half-hour or so. I proceeded to dance by myself which I didn’t mind at all because like I said, I like that. But then, the two creepy guys I had been avoiding the entire night approached me at the same time. On top of that, another creepy guy joined the crowd. I was sort of getting scared and feeling trapped.

Scenarios

Creepy guy #1: (starts dancing towards me) Dance, yeah?
Mandy: No, thank you.
CG#1: Aww, come on.
Mandy: I don’t think so.
CG#1: (grabs my arm) Come on, I know you want to.
Mandy: Mmmmm. NO. (ignores CG#1)

CG#2: (tries to hold my hand – this is a big NO NO… it’s the hand for goodness sake! That’s personal!!!)
Mandy: (pulls away quickly - I wanted to yell at him, "OH NO, YOU DIDN'T!!!")
CG#2: Come on, just hold my hand.
Mandy: No thanks (ignores.)

CG#3: (just keeps trying to dance with me)
Mandy: (just ignores)

So finally after the creepy men one by one were out of the scene, I met a guy who watched the scenario with CG#3. He thought we were together. So we both just laughed about it.. Then, the Latin/salsa music comes on (I totally thought of you Ames). And it was so much fun just dancing. It’s so hard to first, find a guy who can dance, second, find a guy who can dance to Latin music. So we had a great time; he respected my personal bubble space and it was strictly just dancing and spinning. He was quite a gentleman and just so much fun.

Towards the end, I was tired, so we sat down and had a conversation about where we were from, etc. He was born in Ethiopia, but raised in London. Finally, I asked him what his name was (it’s strange how that was one of the last things we talked about) – his name was Solomon. I should have given him my real name, but by this time, ‘Mandy’ was just rolling off my tongue. After I told him my alias, he just smiled and said, “That’s nice. I wanted to know. It’s nice to know” So I asked, “Why didn’t you just ask?” He says, “I didn’t want to. It’s nicer this way.” It was quite sweet, one of those cheesy movie moments.

Overall, a dandy evening.

Busy Bee

Busy busy busy. But it feels good. I think I'm much more effective when I'm busy; it feels good. I'm feeling a wee stressed, but I'll deal. As long as I get to escape to my art galleries every once in a while, I'll be fine and dandy.

I bought my Chopin tickets today!!! I'm uber excited about it. I've been looking forward to this concert since a while ago when I learned that the South Bank Centre was having an International Piano Series. Jules and I went to one when she was here. But this... it's CHOPIN!!! Sorry that I keep yelling, but it makes me really happy and giddy. I got a platform ticket, which means I get to sit where the orchestra normally sits in the pit. I'm literally going to be about 3 feet away from the pianist, Maurizio Pollini (Evelyn's mom who is a pianist says he's one of her favorites - she saw him perform about 30 years ago). And guess what? The ticket was only five pounds (10 dollars) because it's a discount price for people between 15 and 25. *Sigh* I can't wait...

Well, 'til then... it's time for some serious work. Time to go off and be a busy bee. bzzzzzzz. :)

Smiley moment of the day: "You're so nice Grace." Nancy said I was nice. It really made my day. I don't really consider myself a "nice" girl. You know, you have your "cute" girls, "pretty" girls, "nice" girls, "smart" girls. I thought I probably would squeeze into the "smart" girl category, but secretly, I always longed to be that "nice" girl, so I try. Laura is my role model in the nice category. So when Nancy said she would describe me as "nice" to people who didn't know me, it made me smile. Thanks Nance.

The Royal Wedding

Prince Charles and Camilla's wedding is a big deal here. Everyone looks quite nice, especially the women with their fancy hats. It's all so colorful. The conclusion is that no one really wears colors in daily life; they save it for these special occasions where they burst out in their uber bright colors. It's fun to see the wide shots - it looks like a mosaic. I like how the women wear pretty hats; I wish we did that in the States. It's really so much more fun.

Wills and Harry are looking dashing as usual; however, Wills is looking a bit frazzled and we notice that he's balding (already), poor guy. Harry on the other hand is really coming into his own, quite a handsome fella.

Flying Solo

Amsterdam was quite an adventure. It all began at 12:00 a.m. Thursday. My flight was at 6:30, but I found that there wasn't a bus that came by for me to get to the airport by 4, so I had to catch the midnight bus, which meant I arrived at the airport around 1-something. It was a bit eerie with absolutely no one walking around in the airport. I took about an hour to walk around and explore the airport. I walked upstairs and found a whole bunch of people sleeping. They were all stretched out on the benches, sleeping there, as if it was their bedrooms. It was quite a sight (of course, I took pictures - I'm not a stalker Andy! It's just funny. I can't help it. Thinking in pictures is a disease).

Then, I slept for a couple of hours and went to go check in. I get to the front of the line. Then, my nightmare comes into fruition: I forgot my passport. (FYI in case you didn't know, you probably do know: Before I came to London and while I've been here, the recurring nightmare is that I forget to pack, miss my flight - generally leading me to anxiety and stress) For the first couple of minutes, I was in denial, "What? You mean I can't go?" "Really?" The guy was really nice; he felt bad for me. So, I had to transfer my flight to a later time. I wanted to just give up and go sometime next week, but that involved more money (which is bad).

I took the train to the bus station, took the bus home, missed the bus stop, got off on the next one, ran to the flat, took the lift, ran to my first drawer, got my passport, quickly paced to the door, slipped on a piece of paper near Evelyn's bed, fell hard on my knees, quietly whispered a painful "Ow", got up, ran out the door, caught another bus, took a train to the airport, had a latte, then waited to check in.

I was supposed to meet up with Nancy and Ming in front of the van Gogh museum at 11, but being that my flight was at 10:25, that wasn't going to work out. So after I contacted them (with the help of Paul - thanks pal), I was on the plane to Amsterdam... finally.

I was flying solo for the day.

After I arrived, I got on the tram to the van Gogh museum. As soon as I got on, I asked a random man if this tram went to the museum and he kindly answered, "yes". I felt a sense of lightness - once I got to van Gogh, I would be fine. The nice man said he would let me know when my stop was because he was getting off there too. We had a wonderful conversation about where we're from, Europe, and art. He was an artist! He paints everything from detailed miniatures to portraits to huge frescoes. He described a painting he did on a wooden floor that was a rusted blue; he painted Japanese goldfish on it. It sounded uber neat. After our 20-minute ride to the museum, we got off and parted ways. We shook hands as we parted ways; it was a nice warm handshake. We never even introduced ourselves.

The van Gogh museum. I was in an entirely different dimension while I was in there. The chaotic happenings of the morning and the anxiety of being a new unknown place all left my body, as my eyes could only follow the thick, intense strokes of van Gogh. It was simply brilliant. Every time I see van Gogh's works in person, I just grow to appreciate him more and more. He rocks my world. I wish I could have been his friend. The van Gosh museum is my favorite museum. Ever. Well, so far in my life.

After the van Gogh and feeling absolutely happy, I decided to just walk around, get lost and explore. The city of Amsterdam was so quaint and picturesque (those Dutch painters definitely had plenty of beauty around to be inspired by). A random guy asked me if I knew what time it was. I told him I didn't know and walked on by. He turned around and told me that I had a thick American accent and asked me what I was doing in Amsterdam. Of course, he asks me where I'm 'originally' from because I'm not white. Then, he corrects himself and asks, 'or where are your parents from?' That was new. His name was Jonathan. He was born and raised in Amsterdam, but his parents are from Israel. So he asks me what my plans are and I tell him that I just want to walk around and explore. He said he would walk me over to some pretty canals, so I got a little walking tour. It was nice. He explained buildings, eating places and other Amsterdam things to me. Once we got to the canals, we parted ways. Quite a nice fella.

After walking around, I went over to the national museum - Rijksmuseum. It houses Rembrandt's, Vermeer's, Hals, etc. It was quite a contrast from the van Gogh. Those Dutch painters and their precision. It's amazing to see such smooth brush strokes that are barely visible. Whenever I look at the still life paintings, I want to hold my breath because everything just looks frozen in time. I had a grand time. Oh! I saw 'The Night Watch' and it totally reminded me of AP Art History and Mr. LaPorte. It was way bigger than I expected and breathtaking.

Then I found a park, sat down, talked to God, thought, wrote in my journal, walked over to the canals, had some juice and banana nut bread and thought some more. Being alone the entire day was nice. Although I would have enjoyed experiencing Amsterdam with Nancy and Ming, the day turned out to be a God-and-me day, which was spiritually refreshing. The day was about letting go and letting God do His thing. Most everything was out of my control once I forgot my passport and had no map in Amsterdam. But he led me through the day. I read one of the little devotional things my mommy sent me and was reminded once again that the only one I can truly rely on is Him 'cause I do a fine job forgetting and messing things up when I try to control everything. Overall, Amsterdam was a physically draining yet spiritually filling experience.

Flying solo is fun, but soaring with God means I can fly higher.