The mind is a complicated thing.
Sometimes...
..one knows something to not be true, yet can't help but see or believe otherwise.
..one will see animals in the chipped off paint spots on the table.
..one will wear sunglassess inside because it is too bright.
..one will uncontrallably cry.
..one will smile so brightly.
We lay in the soft green grass and stared up at the tree branches set against the calm blue background of sky. We ran our fingers through the soft grass and enjoyed the chirping of the birds. We talked about the photos we would take. I already took the photos in my mind. I can see all the images of that short hour in my head right now. The images look blurred. They're soaked in tears.
Just when I think I can't have any more tears, I keep crying. Is it because I keep drinking?
11.3.07
7.3.07
I miss...
.talks with missionary Mira.
.the beach.
.sleeping in.
.reading the Word outside.
.catching up with Mon and Sue at Denny's.
.talking about the sky with Julia.
.listening to Mansoo practice playing the cello.
.my mommy's pancakes.
.my father fixing everything for me.
.the cold air up in the mountains.
.walking along the Thames River and stopping at my favorite outdoor bookstand.
.staring at 'my Pollock painting' at Tate Modern for three hours when I had nothing to do.
.the vibrantly blue sky in South Africa.
.the smiles of the children in South Africa.
.journaling.
.taking pictures.
.silly moments with missionary Dae.
.the beach.
.sleeping in.
.reading the Word outside.
.catching up with Mon and Sue at Denny's.
.talking about the sky with Julia.
.listening to Mansoo practice playing the cello.
.my mommy's pancakes.
.my father fixing everything for me.
.the cold air up in the mountains.
.walking along the Thames River and stopping at my favorite outdoor bookstand.
.staring at 'my Pollock painting' at Tate Modern for three hours when I had nothing to do.
.the vibrantly blue sky in South Africa.
.the smiles of the children in South Africa.
.journaling.
.taking pictures.
.silly moments with missionary Dae.
28.2.07
Nostalgia pt. 2
Mon came down to Lake Elsinore last week. Every time Mon is in town, I drive over to the other side of the lake. My mom’s place is in Wildomar, across the lake from the town of Lake Elsinore. I grew up in Lake Elsinore and most of my childhood memories are on that side of the lake.
I dropped off Mon at her home in the evening and drove back to my mom’s. I passed by a couple of my old homes. My family moved around a lot when I was a kid. I think that’s why I hate moving. We have lived at 5 different homes in Lake Elsinore alone.
I passed by Sue’s old street. She used to live at a house at the very end of the street. I remember going to Sue’s house for the first time for her birthday and we had a treasure hunt. I remember feeling kind of nervous and excited about being invited to Sue’s birthday party.
I drove into a housing track. The sky suddenly and dramatically grew dark. I may have just noticed that it was dark the instant I turned right into the neighborhood. It began to rain. I cautiously drove into the neighborhood. I didn’t know what emotional landmines I would encounter. It was so bizarre to look at the houses. They looked exactly the same. The paint, steps, doors and driveways looked exactly the same as when I was a child. I felt so different and changed, yet my surroundings reflected 1992.
I first drove down Heather Ln. I slowly passed by Gina Kim’s house. She was my best friend in elementary school until 4th grade. We had some sort of fight, I think. I don’t even remember. We became friends again later on. Her next-door neighbor on the left was Connie. I think she was a couple of years older than us. She died in a car accident when we were in elementary school. I think that was the first time that someone I knew died. It was so strange seeing her picture in announcements. Gina and I would look up at the window in Connie’s room and notice how everything was covered with white sheets. I used to calculate how old Connie would have been every year a new year book came out. I don’t know why I did that. I used to wonder quite often about her and what kind of life she would have lived. I did that until high school.
Isaac and Amanda lived to the right of Gina. I used to baby-sit them. I looked at their driveway and noticed the lines on the concrete. We used to play four square. We played handball on the garage door.
I proceeded to go up the hill and noticed that the street wasn’t as big as I remembered. The street wasn’t as steep as I remembered it either. I remember I rode my bike down the street once and my brakes broke, so I had to make the sharpest turn and I almost skidded on the ground. My heart still beats fast when I think about that moment. I thought about the time Peter (Gina’s brother) and I collided on our bikes when he rode his bike with no hands on the handlebars. He ran over my leg and I thought I was going to be crippled forever.
I finally came across 15060 Heather Ln., our first home in Lake Elsinore. My father ambitiously and foolishly bought a house that was too big and simply too much for our little family. He likes big houses. As a child, I loved the big house. My father nailed two big chalkboards in the garage. This became my classroom. I loved playing school. I remember I had a playroom and bedroom. I thoroughly enjoyed this house. I was too young to know about the financial burden of this house. I later learned of this and hated the house after that. I now dislike big houses. I suppose I could just focus on the happy moments. My half-sisters moved out of our house when we lived in Fountain Valley. However, they still visited us on holidays when we lived at this house. I really liked my oldest sister. My father’s favorite was my third oldest sister. But, I liked my oldest sister because she played with me. She called me Koala and bought me stationery.
My next-door neighbors were three brothers. They were all extremely tall and played basketball. Lance, the middle child was the same age as me. They all looked like giants to me. Jisan lived across the street. We were introduced to one another when I was six and she was five. They said that I was her “goh-moh” (aunt in Korean). I don’t think we really understood why, but she’s called me goh-moh ever since that moment. I guess her grandfather and my father are second cousins or something like that.
I slowly drove to the end of Heather Ln. and made a right turn. I made another right turn on Christina Ct. I slowed down even more. I stopped in front of a brown house. The lights were turned on and I wondered if the people who lived in that house were happy. I hoped that their happy memories would overpower my miserable memories in that house. I think we moved to this house when I was in junior high. That’s when I began to understand the financial burdens of my parents. I talked to the landlord for my parents, lied to the landlord, pleaded with the landlord. This girl from Korea lived with us. She was and still is annoyingly critical of me. Shinwoong lived with us. We get along now, but we had a few explosive fights while we lived there. It’s funny when I think about it now. We would scream and slam doors. I don’t think I could do that now.
Hyuk lived with us at this house too. I really liked him. I thought that he could be the big brother I always wanted. He didn’t talk much, but we had a couple of deep conversations. The electricity went out one night, so we sat outside in the backyard and talked for a couple of hours. He mostly talked about his girlfriend in Korea. The moon was so bright that night. I liked listening to him tell me stories about Korea and his friends. One day, I heard violent knocking on the door. I opened the door to find our infuriated landlord. He began yelling at me. I froze. I had dealt with him before, but for some reason at that moment, I couldn’t do anything. He towered over me and I remember his angry face. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone so angry. I froze in fear. I felt an arm on my upper chest pushing me back. I stepped back alarmed and saw Hyuk’s back in front of me. I don’t even remember what he said to the landlord. I don’t think he really even spoke English at the time. But, he made the landlord go away. He closed the door and turned around. I was still frozen. He asked me if I was okay. I sat down on the ground and cried. He sat next to me and just listened to me cry. He didn’t hug me, pat me or comfort me. He simply listened to me cry. That’s all I needed.
As I looked inside the house once more, I decided to leave those moments in that house. I think one positive aspect of moving a lot is that I can leave certain memories in a particular house. Each house is a photo album, filled with snapshots of my life while I lived there. I decided to file the albums away. It’s not being in denial. I acknowledge that they’re there. I browse through them once in a while. I just don’t want to get caught up in those moments and eventually get trapped in those moments. As I write about those moments now, I can reflect and move forward. I can see that I have grown the most and depended on God the most during those seemingly difficult times. I never want to forget that lesson. I hope to live in contentment, thanksgiving and joy. I want to be able to drive by these houses and smile as I pass by. Maybe I’ll test it out in a month or so.
I dropped off Mon at her home in the evening and drove back to my mom’s. I passed by a couple of my old homes. My family moved around a lot when I was a kid. I think that’s why I hate moving. We have lived at 5 different homes in Lake Elsinore alone.
I passed by Sue’s old street. She used to live at a house at the very end of the street. I remember going to Sue’s house for the first time for her birthday and we had a treasure hunt. I remember feeling kind of nervous and excited about being invited to Sue’s birthday party.
I drove into a housing track. The sky suddenly and dramatically grew dark. I may have just noticed that it was dark the instant I turned right into the neighborhood. It began to rain. I cautiously drove into the neighborhood. I didn’t know what emotional landmines I would encounter. It was so bizarre to look at the houses. They looked exactly the same. The paint, steps, doors and driveways looked exactly the same as when I was a child. I felt so different and changed, yet my surroundings reflected 1992.
I first drove down Heather Ln. I slowly passed by Gina Kim’s house. She was my best friend in elementary school until 4th grade. We had some sort of fight, I think. I don’t even remember. We became friends again later on. Her next-door neighbor on the left was Connie. I think she was a couple of years older than us. She died in a car accident when we were in elementary school. I think that was the first time that someone I knew died. It was so strange seeing her picture in announcements. Gina and I would look up at the window in Connie’s room and notice how everything was covered with white sheets. I used to calculate how old Connie would have been every year a new year book came out. I don’t know why I did that. I used to wonder quite often about her and what kind of life she would have lived. I did that until high school.
Isaac and Amanda lived to the right of Gina. I used to baby-sit them. I looked at their driveway and noticed the lines on the concrete. We used to play four square. We played handball on the garage door.
I proceeded to go up the hill and noticed that the street wasn’t as big as I remembered. The street wasn’t as steep as I remembered it either. I remember I rode my bike down the street once and my brakes broke, so I had to make the sharpest turn and I almost skidded on the ground. My heart still beats fast when I think about that moment. I thought about the time Peter (Gina’s brother) and I collided on our bikes when he rode his bike with no hands on the handlebars. He ran over my leg and I thought I was going to be crippled forever.
I finally came across 15060 Heather Ln., our first home in Lake Elsinore. My father ambitiously and foolishly bought a house that was too big and simply too much for our little family. He likes big houses. As a child, I loved the big house. My father nailed two big chalkboards in the garage. This became my classroom. I loved playing school. I remember I had a playroom and bedroom. I thoroughly enjoyed this house. I was too young to know about the financial burden of this house. I later learned of this and hated the house after that. I now dislike big houses. I suppose I could just focus on the happy moments. My half-sisters moved out of our house when we lived in Fountain Valley. However, they still visited us on holidays when we lived at this house. I really liked my oldest sister. My father’s favorite was my third oldest sister. But, I liked my oldest sister because she played with me. She called me Koala and bought me stationery.
My next-door neighbors were three brothers. They were all extremely tall and played basketball. Lance, the middle child was the same age as me. They all looked like giants to me. Jisan lived across the street. We were introduced to one another when I was six and she was five. They said that I was her “goh-moh” (aunt in Korean). I don’t think we really understood why, but she’s called me goh-moh ever since that moment. I guess her grandfather and my father are second cousins or something like that.
I slowly drove to the end of Heather Ln. and made a right turn. I made another right turn on Christina Ct. I slowed down even more. I stopped in front of a brown house. The lights were turned on and I wondered if the people who lived in that house were happy. I hoped that their happy memories would overpower my miserable memories in that house. I think we moved to this house when I was in junior high. That’s when I began to understand the financial burdens of my parents. I talked to the landlord for my parents, lied to the landlord, pleaded with the landlord. This girl from Korea lived with us. She was and still is annoyingly critical of me. Shinwoong lived with us. We get along now, but we had a few explosive fights while we lived there. It’s funny when I think about it now. We would scream and slam doors. I don’t think I could do that now.
Hyuk lived with us at this house too. I really liked him. I thought that he could be the big brother I always wanted. He didn’t talk much, but we had a couple of deep conversations. The electricity went out one night, so we sat outside in the backyard and talked for a couple of hours. He mostly talked about his girlfriend in Korea. The moon was so bright that night. I liked listening to him tell me stories about Korea and his friends. One day, I heard violent knocking on the door. I opened the door to find our infuriated landlord. He began yelling at me. I froze. I had dealt with him before, but for some reason at that moment, I couldn’t do anything. He towered over me and I remember his angry face. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone so angry. I froze in fear. I felt an arm on my upper chest pushing me back. I stepped back alarmed and saw Hyuk’s back in front of me. I don’t even remember what he said to the landlord. I don’t think he really even spoke English at the time. But, he made the landlord go away. He closed the door and turned around. I was still frozen. He asked me if I was okay. I sat down on the ground and cried. He sat next to me and just listened to me cry. He didn’t hug me, pat me or comfort me. He simply listened to me cry. That’s all I needed.
As I looked inside the house once more, I decided to leave those moments in that house. I think one positive aspect of moving a lot is that I can leave certain memories in a particular house. Each house is a photo album, filled with snapshots of my life while I lived there. I decided to file the albums away. It’s not being in denial. I acknowledge that they’re there. I browse through them once in a while. I just don’t want to get caught up in those moments and eventually get trapped in those moments. As I write about those moments now, I can reflect and move forward. I can see that I have grown the most and depended on God the most during those seemingly difficult times. I never want to forget that lesson. I hope to live in contentment, thanksgiving and joy. I want to be able to drive by these houses and smile as I pass by. Maybe I’ll test it out in a month or so.
20.2.07
Magritte
The Magritte exhibit was fantastic. I felt as if I stepped into one of his paintings. I thought that the exhibit was quite creative and I appreciated the thematic flow of the entire exhibit. The exhibit was of course filled with Magritte, but also other artists whose works were inspired by Magritte.
I like Magritte because he doesn't provide any answers. His titles don't make any sense. Most of his works don't make any sense. I remember learning about Magritte's pipe in high school. I was really impressed, still am by his way of thinking. This painting rocked my world.
16.2.07
Music Nostalgia
I’m almost done copying all of my CDs onto my new laptop. I transferred most of my music last weekend. My mom kept sitting next to me and trying to calculate how much money I’ve spent on music. I told her to stop because it was going to drive me nuts.
As I was copying CDs and listening to a lot of songs I hadn’t listened to in years, I couldn’t help but get caught up in nostalgia and warm fuzzy feelings as certain songs, albums, artists evoked memories and feelings of a certain period in my life.
The Beatles and Simon & Garfunkel: Elementary School. I wasn’t hip enough to get into New Kids on the Block or other pop artists of the time. I sat around and listened to The Beatles and Simon & Garfunkel when I did my homework.
The Carpenters: 4th grade. I think I listened to them obsessively in the 4th grade. This is a bit embarrassing, but every time it rained and it happened to be a Monday, I was so excited to listen to “Rainy Days and Mondays” and stare out the window. I still remember those moments so vividly. That song is so depressing. I don’t remember what went through my little 4th grade mind when I listened to that song.
Joni Mitchell: My obsession with Joni Mitchell began in the 7th grade. Once again, I don’t think I fully understood her lyrics, but I was attracted to her music and listened obsessively. I think I really liked her voice. Her songs remind me of junior high.
The 60’s: I think I really got into the music of the ‘60s my freshman year of high school. I worked on a documentary about the Vietnam War for History Day and listened to A LOT of music from the ‘60s to determine which songs to include in the doc. Whenever I hear any songs from Woodstock and that time, I remember my History Day experience. I began to appreciate protest songs.
G.Love & Special Sauce: I remember sitting in Sue’s Oldsmobile listening to 91X and listening to the middle and end of “Rodeo Clowns” for the first time. We both really liked the song. We listened to 91X every chance we had for the next couple of weeks hoping that they would play the song again and tell us who the artist was. We finally caught it on the air. I bought the CD that day. G.Love & Special Sauce reminds me of riding around hot, dry Lake Elsinore in Sue’s car.
Incubus definitely reminds me of high school. “Stellar” was ‘our’ song. I smile and laugh when I think about it now. I guess it was cute.
MTV2 discoveries: I couldn’t fall asleep one night, so I turned on MTV2 to watch music videos (because they actually played music videos while MTV was filled reality shows… I think that’s how it is now too). Ok Go’s “Get Over It” video came on. I liked the catchy beats and looooved the video: every time they emphatically sang, “Hey!”, they showed a stack of hay. Brilliant! Right after the Ok Go video, they played India Arie’s “Video”. That’s when I fell in love with India Arie. I bought both CDs the next day. I think I’m an impulsive CD buyer.
India Arie: I find all of her albums so spiritually refreshing. Her first album reminds me of my senior year in high school and freshman year of college. I listened to her second album non-stop while I was in D.C. I am now listening to her third album non-stop. It’s amazing how I find that her albums seem to fit reflect what’s going on in my life at the time of their releases. I’m sure most women feel this way about her albums. I see her growth through her albums and I’m able to track my own growth through her music as well.
Coldplay: I listened to ‘A Rush of Blood to the Head’ a lot while I was in Africa. “Politik” always reminds me of South Africa.
Gracie Mix vol. 1, 2, 3, 4: I think I expanded my taste in music mostly in college. I wasn’t one of those cool kids in high school who knew all about the indie bands and what not. I can attribute the widening of my musical taste to Dan’s mixes. I never grow tired of them and they’re filled with bands that I would have never known. Plus, like India Arie’s albums, each mix reminds me of a certain time or year.
So, I think that’s all for now. I recommend that you take a look through your hundreds or thousands songs you may have and listen to those songs you haven’t heard in some time, the ones you’re embarrassed you still have, the ones that make you giddy or sad… and enjoy a wistful moment.
As I was copying CDs and listening to a lot of songs I hadn’t listened to in years, I couldn’t help but get caught up in nostalgia and warm fuzzy feelings as certain songs, albums, artists evoked memories and feelings of a certain period in my life.
The Beatles and Simon & Garfunkel: Elementary School. I wasn’t hip enough to get into New Kids on the Block or other pop artists of the time. I sat around and listened to The Beatles and Simon & Garfunkel when I did my homework.
The Carpenters: 4th grade. I think I listened to them obsessively in the 4th grade. This is a bit embarrassing, but every time it rained and it happened to be a Monday, I was so excited to listen to “Rainy Days and Mondays” and stare out the window. I still remember those moments so vividly. That song is so depressing. I don’t remember what went through my little 4th grade mind when I listened to that song.
Joni Mitchell: My obsession with Joni Mitchell began in the 7th grade. Once again, I don’t think I fully understood her lyrics, but I was attracted to her music and listened obsessively. I think I really liked her voice. Her songs remind me of junior high.
The 60’s: I think I really got into the music of the ‘60s my freshman year of high school. I worked on a documentary about the Vietnam War for History Day and listened to A LOT of music from the ‘60s to determine which songs to include in the doc. Whenever I hear any songs from Woodstock and that time, I remember my History Day experience. I began to appreciate protest songs.
G.Love & Special Sauce: I remember sitting in Sue’s Oldsmobile listening to 91X and listening to the middle and end of “Rodeo Clowns” for the first time. We both really liked the song. We listened to 91X every chance we had for the next couple of weeks hoping that they would play the song again and tell us who the artist was. We finally caught it on the air. I bought the CD that day. G.Love & Special Sauce reminds me of riding around hot, dry Lake Elsinore in Sue’s car.
Incubus definitely reminds me of high school. “Stellar” was ‘our’ song. I smile and laugh when I think about it now. I guess it was cute.
MTV2 discoveries: I couldn’t fall asleep one night, so I turned on MTV2 to watch music videos (because they actually played music videos while MTV was filled reality shows… I think that’s how it is now too). Ok Go’s “Get Over It” video came on. I liked the catchy beats and looooved the video: every time they emphatically sang, “Hey!”, they showed a stack of hay. Brilliant! Right after the Ok Go video, they played India Arie’s “Video”. That’s when I fell in love with India Arie. I bought both CDs the next day. I think I’m an impulsive CD buyer.
India Arie: I find all of her albums so spiritually refreshing. Her first album reminds me of my senior year in high school and freshman year of college. I listened to her second album non-stop while I was in D.C. I am now listening to her third album non-stop. It’s amazing how I find that her albums seem to fit reflect what’s going on in my life at the time of their releases. I’m sure most women feel this way about her albums. I see her growth through her albums and I’m able to track my own growth through her music as well.
Coldplay: I listened to ‘A Rush of Blood to the Head’ a lot while I was in Africa. “Politik” always reminds me of South Africa.
Gracie Mix vol. 1, 2, 3, 4: I think I expanded my taste in music mostly in college. I wasn’t one of those cool kids in high school who knew all about the indie bands and what not. I can attribute the widening of my musical taste to Dan’s mixes. I never grow tired of them and they’re filled with bands that I would have never known. Plus, like India Arie’s albums, each mix reminds me of a certain time or year.
So, I think that’s all for now. I recommend that you take a look through your hundreds or thousands songs you may have and listen to those songs you haven’t heard in some time, the ones you’re embarrassed you still have, the ones that make you giddy or sad… and enjoy a wistful moment.
15.2.07
Snapshot: Letter
I like writing letters and cards. I feel the same glee as when I take a picture with my Polaroid camera. A letter or card captures the thoughts and emotions of a certain moment. A snapshot of one’s mind and heart. The documentation is so immediate, yet the delivery is delayed. It’s quite mysterious and fascinating to me. By the time a person receives a letter or card, the writer may feel entirely different. I suppose this doesn’t relate to the internet or emails as much because one can instantly send and receive letters at the speed of a face-to-face conversation without the actual face-to-face part.
The postal service amazes me. I think there’s something quite special about physically sending and receiving a letter. Is it the physical touch? Perhaps the faint aroma of the writer’s space? The smudge from a chocolate bar, a small splash of transparency from the citric acid that squirted from biting an orange slice? I believe something is lost from our direct connectedness in the form of the internet and cell phones. I find it quite beautiful waiting for a letter, re-reading a letter over and over again while waiting for the next one, contemplating a letter. I think we’ve lost the contemplating and feeling aspects of communication because we simply don’t have time to process.
I suppose I have mixed feelings about it. I like how we can all be so globally connected; I’m a news junkie and love emails, blogging. I guess I just miss letters and waiting. I remember Helen, Lokelani and I used to write letters to one another all the time when we were little. We would mail them during the week because we didn’t go to school together and it was so fun to read about what song they were listening to on the radio, what boy they liked that day, and how they spent their day. I would imagine their rest of the week. I think we’re losing room for imagination.
I recently thought about ending my cell phone service and investing in a house phone with answering machine. Remember those? I think I get so sucked into my cell phone when I’m out and about – driving, walking, shopping, etc. I think it’s time I got off the phone and just enjoyed the moments, lived in the moments. When I’m on the phone while doing any other activity, I’m involved in the conversation. I’m off in some imaginary/real world where conversations take place. Even though my friend’s not physically there with me, I feel that he/she is with me in our conversation world. I think I want to miss and feel the loss/absence of the person, then appreciate the time that we spend together. I feel like I’m missing out on the actual moments before me. I don’t think I’m making much sense because I really like talking with people on the phone, especially when I see something that reminds me of them, or vice versa. I think I can have the best of both worlds somehow.
I miss my Polaroid camera. I should take more pictures. I’m going to start carrying around the clunker again.
The postal service amazes me. I think there’s something quite special about physically sending and receiving a letter. Is it the physical touch? Perhaps the faint aroma of the writer’s space? The smudge from a chocolate bar, a small splash of transparency from the citric acid that squirted from biting an orange slice? I believe something is lost from our direct connectedness in the form of the internet and cell phones. I find it quite beautiful waiting for a letter, re-reading a letter over and over again while waiting for the next one, contemplating a letter. I think we’ve lost the contemplating and feeling aspects of communication because we simply don’t have time to process.
I suppose I have mixed feelings about it. I like how we can all be so globally connected; I’m a news junkie and love emails, blogging. I guess I just miss letters and waiting. I remember Helen, Lokelani and I used to write letters to one another all the time when we were little. We would mail them during the week because we didn’t go to school together and it was so fun to read about what song they were listening to on the radio, what boy they liked that day, and how they spent their day. I would imagine their rest of the week. I think we’re losing room for imagination.
I recently thought about ending my cell phone service and investing in a house phone with answering machine. Remember those? I think I get so sucked into my cell phone when I’m out and about – driving, walking, shopping, etc. I think it’s time I got off the phone and just enjoyed the moments, lived in the moments. When I’m on the phone while doing any other activity, I’m involved in the conversation. I’m off in some imaginary/real world where conversations take place. Even though my friend’s not physically there with me, I feel that he/she is with me in our conversation world. I think I want to miss and feel the loss/absence of the person, then appreciate the time that we spend together. I feel like I’m missing out on the actual moments before me. I don’t think I’m making much sense because I really like talking with people on the phone, especially when I see something that reminds me of them, or vice versa. I think I can have the best of both worlds somehow.
I miss my Polaroid camera. I should take more pictures. I’m going to start carrying around the clunker again.
5.2.07
Future Plans
near future:
Those are good options. If you want to take a few days in New York to clear your head, let me know. We can arrange some gallery-hopping afternoons for you, concluded by scones and tea.
Love,
Me
It's always so nice to feel understood.
- finish AmeriCorps* service
- attend Empower '07 conference in May
- possibly visit Korea and this perfect international law school I found
next one/two/three years future options:
- teach English in Korea for a year: I can eat lots of yummy food, build relationships with students, build a relationship with my father
- apply to law school: I'm scared.
- become an analyst at the D.A.'s office: basically an office job. It's secure, good money, but it doesn't excite me.
- become a counselor at the jail: It's similar to being a high school counselor - planning schedules, helping individuals prepare for reentry into the community. This possibility probably excites me the most because I can have one-on-one meetings and be creative with the position. I can even develop curriculum and teach a class. I really see this as a potential ministry. JJ was trying to scare me from the position. Actually, he was just warning me. He told me that I would be surrounding myself with people who are not emotionally, mentally and sometimes physically well. He said that I would be vulnerable to various illnesses. I was telling my mom about this job and what JJ said to me. She replied, But you like those kinds of people.
Another response:
Dearest Youngeun,Those are good options. If you want to take a few days in New York to clear your head, let me know. We can arrange some gallery-hopping afternoons for you, concluded by scones and tea.
Love,
Me
It's always so nice to feel understood.
31.1.07
Haunting
I saw this photo the day after Christmas and I remember feeling utterly shocked. It seemed like a scene from a movie: the composition, colors, drama. I felt even more saddened by the fact that this was not fiction.
Here's the story that goes with the photo:
Nigeria Pipeline Explosion Incinerates Hundreds
December 26, 2006—More than 260 people are dead and over 60 injured after a gasoline pipeline that had been tapped by thieves exploded early this morning in the Abule Egba district of Lagos, Nigeria.
Emergency workers were held back from the epicenter of the carnage until the early afternoon by intense heat, melted cars and electrical lines, and crowds of grieving people. Crews battled the blaze for more than 12 hours before getting the flames under control.
Thousands of residents, such as this man washing soot from his face, wandered across the charred landscape searching for missing loved ones.
Although officials say they are not sure what ignited the blaze, locals told the Associated Press (AP) that thieves had originally ruptured the pipeline and had been tapping it for months. On Monday night the thieves left without fully sealing their opening, and people from the neighborhood rushed in with bags and buckets to collect whatever they could from the leaking pipe.
Although Nigeria is Africa's largest oil producer and the fourth largest exporter of oil to the United States, corruption and poor infrastructure create frequent fuel shortages across the country. Tapping is a relatively common problem, since cans of gasoline sold on the black market can fetch high prices.
"How can this be, that people are so poor in Nigeria that they will risk their lives for a little thing," Bode Kuforiji, a university lecturer, told AP. "But boats leave for America every day filled with oil."
—Victoria Gilman
29.1.07
The "M" word
Not marriage, Mon.
.....
I called my mom on the way to San Diego last night. I was quite ecstatic to share Pastor Roy’s message with her. Pastor Roy spoke about tentmaking in the world. He spoke about the need for professionals in addition to traditional missionaries. He mentioned Paul as an example. He worked full-time and ministered to everyone he encountered. I was so encouraged by the message because that’s pretty much my dream. I always dreamt of working in a different country, living with the natives, helping them, learning from them, sharing God’s love with them.
I have always shared this desire with my mom. She knows I dream of living in France, South Africa, North Korea and anywhere else in the world. I just never used the “M” word – missionary. I thought the missionary part was implied. I figured I was a missionary wherever I was anyway. I guess my communication wasn’t so clear. I thought my mom would be my biggest cheerleader. She always has been. She suggested that I visit China to see my uncle who frequently visits North Korea for business. She writes me encouraging letters. So, I was saddened and disappointed when my mom didn’t share my enthusiasm as I shared about Pastor Roy’s message. She never thought that I was going as a missionary. So, I have to talk to her some more and try to widen her perspective of missions. I don’t think she fully understands missions. Towards the end of the conversation, I felt too sad and drained to persuade.
After we hung up, I thought about our reality. I realized that for my mom this is shocking news. My mom waits for me to end my AmeriCorps service and get a secure job somewhere where I’ll receive a decent salary to support our family. I momentarily forgot about this reality.
My mom thinks that I can and should be a missionary wherever I am (here in the States). I agree, but what do I do about the burden I feel and tears that unnaturally form quickly when I think of the lost souls in the world?
Prayer is a given. There must be and is more.
.....
I called my mom on the way to San Diego last night. I was quite ecstatic to share Pastor Roy’s message with her. Pastor Roy spoke about tentmaking in the world. He spoke about the need for professionals in addition to traditional missionaries. He mentioned Paul as an example. He worked full-time and ministered to everyone he encountered. I was so encouraged by the message because that’s pretty much my dream. I always dreamt of working in a different country, living with the natives, helping them, learning from them, sharing God’s love with them.
I have always shared this desire with my mom. She knows I dream of living in France, South Africa, North Korea and anywhere else in the world. I just never used the “M” word – missionary. I thought the missionary part was implied. I figured I was a missionary wherever I was anyway. I guess my communication wasn’t so clear. I thought my mom would be my biggest cheerleader. She always has been. She suggested that I visit China to see my uncle who frequently visits North Korea for business. She writes me encouraging letters. So, I was saddened and disappointed when my mom didn’t share my enthusiasm as I shared about Pastor Roy’s message. She never thought that I was going as a missionary. So, I have to talk to her some more and try to widen her perspective of missions. I don’t think she fully understands missions. Towards the end of the conversation, I felt too sad and drained to persuade.
After we hung up, I thought about our reality. I realized that for my mom this is shocking news. My mom waits for me to end my AmeriCorps service and get a secure job somewhere where I’ll receive a decent salary to support our family. I momentarily forgot about this reality.
My mom thinks that I can and should be a missionary wherever I am (here in the States). I agree, but what do I do about the burden I feel and tears that unnaturally form quickly when I think of the lost souls in the world?
Prayer is a given. There must be and is more.
24.1.07
Perfected Love
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.
We love, because He first loved us.
We love, because He first loved us.
What I do
If you're curious about what I actually do here at the D.A.'s office, here's an interview with my boss regarding the program that I work on: Prisoner Reentry
19.1.07
Feel the breeze
I checked in with Arlene yesterday. I'm not sure if I've written about Arlene yet, but if I have, oh well. Here I go again. Arlene is an analyst here at the office and we verbally agreed that she would be my mentor. She reminds me so much of Missionary Mira. I think that's why I was so drawn by Arlene's spirit. I confide in her about spirituality and my doubts about the future. She's all about positive affirmations, so she's constantly telling me, "Grace, you're an intelligent, capable, dynamic and creative person. So be who you are, instead of getting caught up in your doubts. It's okay to be scared. But, be the wonderful you that you are." I always feel so encouraged and blessed after some good Arlene time.
Yesterday, we talked about God's presence. She said that our whole life has to be about realizing and acknowledging those little moments when God moves. She compared it to Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden experiencing God through a breeze. Before, she didn't really talk to God or ask him for anything because she didn't want to bother him. She realized that this was silly and that God is honored when we constantly talk to him and ask him about little things because it reflects our belief and faith in Him.
So, I encourage you to feel the breeze as you drive to work, walk to class, sit at a playground, talk to colleagues, smile at a stranger.
As a sweetly awkward sister of mine wrote: Be still and hear his voice.
Yesterday, we talked about God's presence. She said that our whole life has to be about realizing and acknowledging those little moments when God moves. She compared it to Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden experiencing God through a breeze. Before, she didn't really talk to God or ask him for anything because she didn't want to bother him. She realized that this was silly and that God is honored when we constantly talk to him and ask him about little things because it reflects our belief and faith in Him.
So, I encourage you to feel the breeze as you drive to work, walk to class, sit at a playground, talk to colleagues, smile at a stranger.
As a sweetly awkward sister of mine wrote: Be still and hear his voice.
16.1.07
The cure
I couldn’t fall asleep Thursday night. I stared at the ceiling of stucco and thought that without my glasses, the little bits of stucco were barely visible to me. I thought, ‘I need a new prescription’. I stared and stared trying to make out a few little bits, but eventually closed my eyes again in frustration. I plopped over on my stomach with my face in the pillow. I remembered I used to do that a lot when I was a kid. There was something excitingly refreshing about taking a breath of air after mildly suffocating in one’s pillow. Why is holding one’s breath such a fun challenge? Is it because we think we’re playing with death? Do we feel that we’re in control of life and death?
I digress.
My face was buried in my pillow. It was getting harder to breathe. I turned my head to the side and appreciated the cool breath of air that slowly spread to my lungs. It’s amazing how one can feel that when the air is extremely hot or cold. My shoulders were beginning to hurt so I bent my knees and stretched my arms forward with my head balanced on my pillow. I think it’s some kind of yoga position. I brought my arms into my chest and squirmed around to get fully under my blanket. I felt so warm and safe. I realized that I hadn’t prayed on my knees for quite some time. I decided to pray. It had been so long, I didn’t really know where to start. So, I didn’t start. I just stayed in the same position for some time. The word, “forgive” started floating around in my mind. I tried to dismiss it, shoo it away, but it cleverly dodged my efforts. The word started getting bigger and bigger. Then, I thought, ‘why not? Why not forgive?’. I think I expected some ‘aha’ moment or dramatic moment of enlightenment, brokenness to lead to forgiveness. It’s simply a decision.
The time leading up to this decision may have been a process and filled with such dramatic moments. I prayed to forgive for what they did and how they made me feel. It felt real and cleansing to list how they made me feel because I think I tried to forget about that. I was swallowed by guilt. The prayer wasn’t especially long, verbose or eloquent. I didn’t cry. My heart and head didn’t feel tingly.
I inhaled the cool air as I came out under my covers. I imagine that’s how my soul feels.
---------------------------------
There must be quite a few things a hot bath won't cure, but I don't know many of them.
~Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar
I took a bath on Saturday or Sunday night. I think the water was too hot. I always do that. Taking a bath is relaxing for most people. It’s absolutely exhausting for me (mainly because the water is too hot). I end up feeling purged and faint. I like that feeling. It’s the complete opposite of taking in a deep breath after pillow suffocation. The feeling after a hot bath is release. I feel weak and hollow. I like that feeling, just as much.
--------------------------------
I finished Anderson Cooper’s book. It was an easy read, but I couldn’t read too much at one time because it’s a bit depressing. It’s a different kind of depressing from novels because it’s true. I liked it. I recommend it to anyone who might just have a weekend of nothing to do. You can finish it in a couple of days. As he documents his accounts of Katrina, Somalia, Kenya and other places, he interweaves his own story and struggle with pain. He was intrigued by and attracted to stories about war and conflict because he didn’t know how to deal with his own pain. Overall, it’s a fascinating and enlightening read.
I digress.
My face was buried in my pillow. It was getting harder to breathe. I turned my head to the side and appreciated the cool breath of air that slowly spread to my lungs. It’s amazing how one can feel that when the air is extremely hot or cold. My shoulders were beginning to hurt so I bent my knees and stretched my arms forward with my head balanced on my pillow. I think it’s some kind of yoga position. I brought my arms into my chest and squirmed around to get fully under my blanket. I felt so warm and safe. I realized that I hadn’t prayed on my knees for quite some time. I decided to pray. It had been so long, I didn’t really know where to start. So, I didn’t start. I just stayed in the same position for some time. The word, “forgive” started floating around in my mind. I tried to dismiss it, shoo it away, but it cleverly dodged my efforts. The word started getting bigger and bigger. Then, I thought, ‘why not? Why not forgive?’. I think I expected some ‘aha’ moment or dramatic moment of enlightenment, brokenness to lead to forgiveness. It’s simply a decision.
The time leading up to this decision may have been a process and filled with such dramatic moments. I prayed to forgive for what they did and how they made me feel. It felt real and cleansing to list how they made me feel because I think I tried to forget about that. I was swallowed by guilt. The prayer wasn’t especially long, verbose or eloquent. I didn’t cry. My heart and head didn’t feel tingly.
I inhaled the cool air as I came out under my covers. I imagine that’s how my soul feels.
---------------------------------
There must be quite a few things a hot bath won't cure, but I don't know many of them.
~Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar
I took a bath on Saturday or Sunday night. I think the water was too hot. I always do that. Taking a bath is relaxing for most people. It’s absolutely exhausting for me (mainly because the water is too hot). I end up feeling purged and faint. I like that feeling. It’s the complete opposite of taking in a deep breath after pillow suffocation. The feeling after a hot bath is release. I feel weak and hollow. I like that feeling, just as much.
--------------------------------
I finished Anderson Cooper’s book. It was an easy read, but I couldn’t read too much at one time because it’s a bit depressing. It’s a different kind of depressing from novels because it’s true. I liked it. I recommend it to anyone who might just have a weekend of nothing to do. You can finish it in a couple of days. As he documents his accounts of Katrina, Somalia, Kenya and other places, he interweaves his own story and struggle with pain. He was intrigued by and attracted to stories about war and conflict because he didn’t know how to deal with his own pain. Overall, it’s a fascinating and enlightening read.
12.1.07
"I'm voting for Dukakis."
I saw Michael Dukakis today at a luncheon. His wife, Kitty Dukakis spoke about how electroconvulsive therapy helped her deal with depression. I was pretty jazzed to see Michael Dukakis because I didn't expect him to be there.
Michael Dukakis was the Democratic presidential candidate in 1988. He ran against Daddy Bush. He said that he felt a bit responsible for the mess in the Middle East: "If I would have beat daddy, we wouldn't have even seen the son". I remember the election between Bush and Dukakis (it's the first election in my memory). I was in the first grade. We took a poll in our class and most everyone voted for Bush (because their parents were probably voting for Bush). I don't remember voting for anyone. I was barely learning English.
Michael Dukakis reminds me of my good childhood friend Matt Robison. I remember Matt telling me about how they voted in his first grade class too. He was the only one who voted for Michael Dukakis. I wonder how Mattie is doing. He's the most brilliant writer I have ever known. I think he's working at a magazine in New York. I expect to see his stories in The New Yorker some day.
Michael Dukakis was the Democratic presidential candidate in 1988. He ran against Daddy Bush. He said that he felt a bit responsible for the mess in the Middle East: "If I would have beat daddy, we wouldn't have even seen the son". I remember the election between Bush and Dukakis (it's the first election in my memory). I was in the first grade. We took a poll in our class and most everyone voted for Bush (because their parents were probably voting for Bush). I don't remember voting for anyone. I was barely learning English.
Michael Dukakis reminds me of my good childhood friend Matt Robison. I remember Matt telling me about how they voted in his first grade class too. He was the only one who voted for Michael Dukakis. I wonder how Mattie is doing. He's the most brilliant writer I have ever known. I think he's working at a magazine in New York. I expect to see his stories in The New Yorker some day.
9.1.07
8.1.07
2.1.07
Hide and Seek
I'm addicted to this song.
Where are we? What the hell is going on?
The dust has only just begun to fall,
Crop circles in the carpet, sinking, feeling.
Spin me round again and rub my eyes.
This can't be happening.
When busy streets a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy.
Hide and seek.
Trains and sewing machines.
All those years they were here first.
Oily marks appear on walls
Where pleasure moments hung before.
The takeover, the sweeping insensitivity of this still life.
Hide and seek.
Trains and sewing machines. (Oh, you won't catch me around here)
Blood and tears,
They were here first.
Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that you only meant well? Well, of course you did.
Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that it's all for the best? Ah off course it is.
Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that it’s just what we need? And you decided this.
Mmm what you say?
What did she say?
Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth.
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs.
Speak no feeling, no I dont believe you.
You don't care a bit. You don't care a bit.
You don't care a bit.
You don't care a bit.
You don't care a bit.
You don't care a bit.
You don't care a bit.
Where are we? What the hell is going on?
The dust has only just begun to fall,
Crop circles in the carpet, sinking, feeling.
Spin me round again and rub my eyes.
This can't be happening.
When busy streets a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy.
Hide and seek.
Trains and sewing machines.
All those years they were here first.
Oily marks appear on walls
Where pleasure moments hung before.
The takeover, the sweeping insensitivity of this still life.
Hide and seek.
Trains and sewing machines. (Oh, you won't catch me around here)
Blood and tears,
They were here first.
Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that you only meant well? Well, of course you did.
Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that it's all for the best? Ah off course it is.
Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that it’s just what we need? And you decided this.
Mmm what you say?
What did she say?
Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth.
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs.
Speak no feeling, no I dont believe you.
You don't care a bit. You don't care a bit.
You don't care a bit.
You don't care a bit.
You don't care a bit.
You don't care a bit.
You don't care a bit.
1.1.07
2006/2007
When I reflect upon 2006, I think of regrets, disappointments, pressure and stress. I didn't necessarily experience anything tragic or sad according to the world's standards, but I went through some kind of internal struggle in 2006. It wasn't a good year. It wasn't a bad year. I learned new things about myself and others. Learning is always good. The means to my lessons may have not been so good.
However, I'm taking the lessons and looking to 2007 to start anew. I think I still need to process, but I'm in the process.
I ended 2006 in a state of being that pretty much reflects the year: sickness. I know that I have a pretty weak immune system, but I don't remember such a year of sickness as 2006. Yesterday, I wavered back and forth in deciding whether I should go to church or not. I decided to go not necessarily to worship, but to say 'goodbye' to Kristine and Charlotte before they both left for the east coast.
Pastor Ty, a guest speaker, spoke about forgiveness. Unforgiveness blocks the power of the Holy Spirit. Unforgiveness blocks the power of our prayers. Unforgiveness becomes a cesspool - a perfect breeding ground for bitterness, rage and anger - in our hearts. Forgiveness is not about forgetting. Forgiveness is not saying that what the other person did was okay. One can't wait for the other person to apologize before forgiving. He also said that unforgiveness can even negatively impact one's physical health.
I never thought of myself as a bitter person who holds grudges, who never forgives. For the most part, I think I don't have the right to forgive because I may have just been hurt, not necessarily wronged. It's all still a bit unclear for me and I need to think about this some more. During the time of prayer when Pastor Ty asked us to pray a prayer of forgiveness with someone in mind, I simply sat there. I felt a few tears, but I didn't know for what or for whom.
I talked to Mama Liu about the sermon. I was encouraged and touched by my mom's attitude towards my father. If she can forgive, why can't I? I don't really even feel justified in my discontent towards my father, yet I feel it and I can't seem to stop it. However, I really want to surrender this to God this year. We'll see what happens.
I feel excited about 2007. I think it will be a year of forgiveness and healing. I am thankful that I can be forgiven because I forgive. I can forgive because I am forgiven.
hope always.
However, I'm taking the lessons and looking to 2007 to start anew. I think I still need to process, but I'm in the process.
I ended 2006 in a state of being that pretty much reflects the year: sickness. I know that I have a pretty weak immune system, but I don't remember such a year of sickness as 2006. Yesterday, I wavered back and forth in deciding whether I should go to church or not. I decided to go not necessarily to worship, but to say 'goodbye' to Kristine and Charlotte before they both left for the east coast.
Pastor Ty, a guest speaker, spoke about forgiveness. Unforgiveness blocks the power of the Holy Spirit. Unforgiveness blocks the power of our prayers. Unforgiveness becomes a cesspool - a perfect breeding ground for bitterness, rage and anger - in our hearts. Forgiveness is not about forgetting. Forgiveness is not saying that what the other person did was okay. One can't wait for the other person to apologize before forgiving. He also said that unforgiveness can even negatively impact one's physical health.
I never thought of myself as a bitter person who holds grudges, who never forgives. For the most part, I think I don't have the right to forgive because I may have just been hurt, not necessarily wronged. It's all still a bit unclear for me and I need to think about this some more. During the time of prayer when Pastor Ty asked us to pray a prayer of forgiveness with someone in mind, I simply sat there. I felt a few tears, but I didn't know for what or for whom.
I talked to Mama Liu about the sermon. I was encouraged and touched by my mom's attitude towards my father. If she can forgive, why can't I? I don't really even feel justified in my discontent towards my father, yet I feel it and I can't seem to stop it. However, I really want to surrender this to God this year. We'll see what happens.
I feel excited about 2007. I think it will be a year of forgiveness and healing. I am thankful that I can be forgiven because I forgive. I can forgive because I am forgiven.
hope always.
29.12.06
Divided and Connected
I watched Babel with my mom yesterday. I generally like movies where all the characters are connected in some way; therefore, I liked Babel. Beyond that aspect of the film, I thought it was a thought-provoking and intense film. It made me realize that so many things are complicated in this world simply because of lack of communication and understanding.
I couldn't really handle the abrupt cuts and extremely close moving shots. I ended up throwing up (don't worry, I made it to the bathroom. No Mon, I'm not pregnant). Besides that, I liked the movie. It's one of those movies (like 21 Grams) that I'm glad I saw, but I don't think I'll be able to watch more than once. My mom thought it was too sad: This world is already sad. Don't watch sad movies. It's not good for you.
I couldn't really handle the abrupt cuts and extremely close moving shots. I ended up throwing up (don't worry, I made it to the bathroom. No Mon, I'm not pregnant). Besides that, I liked the movie. It's one of those movies (like 21 Grams) that I'm glad I saw, but I don't think I'll be able to watch more than once. My mom thought it was too sad: This world is already sad. Don't watch sad movies. It's not good for you.
27.12.06
The Bell Jar
is now one of my favorite books. It's definitely on the top 10 list. I found the book at an old, used bookstore near my house as I went on a poetry and play binge. I already scanned for Tennessee Williams (and found a fabulous book with several of my favorite plays; this excited me), Dickinson and I slowly made my way over to the 'P' section for Plath. I wanted a collection of poems, but found a tiny book. You know how I like small things. So I picked out the book and read the title, The Bell Jar. I had never heard of it before, but I liked the title and cover. I basically judged a book based on its cover and impulsively bought it.
I guess it's one of her most famous works. I like Plath's poems, but hadn't really researched anything about her novels. It's supposed to be a semi-autobiographical account of her own mental breakdown and suicide attempt. I found it quite odd and eerie that I related to the character so much. Esther Greenwood (the main character) is much more intense and dramatic, but I understood the core of her emotions and thoughts. I suppose many early-twenty-somethings dissatisfied with society's expectations may also relate to the character and argue that this is their story, but that's probably why this book is so popular. Kristine said it's supposed to be the girl version of The Catcher in the Rye. I can see the similarities, but I like The Bell Jar more (maybe because I'm a girl).
Here are a few quotes I liked (or more accurately put: stuff I wish I was brilliant enough to have thought of first and written):
I guess it's one of her most famous works. I like Plath's poems, but hadn't really researched anything about her novels. It's supposed to be a semi-autobiographical account of her own mental breakdown and suicide attempt. I found it quite odd and eerie that I related to the character so much. Esther Greenwood (the main character) is much more intense and dramatic, but I understood the core of her emotions and thoughts. I suppose many early-twenty-somethings dissatisfied with society's expectations may also relate to the character and argue that this is their story, but that's probably why this book is so popular. Kristine said it's supposed to be the girl version of The Catcher in the Rye. I can see the similarities, but I like The Bell Jar more (maybe because I'm a girl).
Here are a few quotes I liked (or more accurately put: stuff I wish I was brilliant enough to have thought of first and written):
- If neurotic is wanting two mutually exclusive things at one and the same time, then I'm neurotic as hell. I'll be flying back and forth between one mutually exclusive thing and another for the rest of my days.
- ...I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.
- How did I know that someday - at college, in Europe, somewhere, anywhere - the bell jar, with its stifling distortions, wouldn't descend again?
19.12.06
Traditions
My mother and I usually wake up Christmas day, have coffee and toast, then watch Little Women. I think when I was a child, I tried to start some kind of tradition because I was envious of all the other white kids who had a family tradition for every holiday, anniversary and birthday. Kids would eat on special plates, add charms to bracelets, spend time playing a game their grandparents played when they were kids. I'm not quite sure why I envied all that so much. I may still deep down inside. Perhaps, it's the consistency and warm-fuzzy-feeling associated with traditions.
I imagine that I would like to have certain traditions with my children: trick-or-treat for Unicef, World AIDS day walks, buying and decorating the lone Christmas tree which was killed for nothing because it has no leaves and no one will buy it. I really hope my children think that all these things are neat.
In these frozen and silent nights
Sometimes in a dream you appear
Outside under the purple sky
Diamonds in the snow sparkle
And our hearts were singin'
It felt like Christmas time
I imagine that I would like to have certain traditions with my children: trick-or-treat for Unicef, World AIDS day walks, buying and decorating the lone Christmas tree which was killed for nothing because it has no leaves and no one will buy it. I really hope my children think that all these things are neat.
In these frozen and silent nights
Sometimes in a dream you appear
Outside under the purple sky
Diamonds in the snow sparkle
And our hearts were singin'
It felt like Christmas time
12.12.06
Ma Maman
Me: Okay, bye.
Mama Liu: Okay . . . I love you.
Me: I love you too.
Mama Liu: Thank you, thank you.
We can hear each other's smiles.
Mama Liu: Okay . . . I love you.
Me: I love you too.
Mama Liu: Thank you, thank you.
We can hear each other's smiles.
7.12.06
Star Struck
I went to the holiday luncheon. Everyone brought a gift for the gift exchange. People could open gifts or steal from others. I've never participated in such a vicious gift exchange. I had a grand time.
---------
Dan Rather came to our office today to interview Bonnie (the District Attorney) regarding medical marijuana. I guess he was here a while ago for this piece, but they decided to expand the story to an hour feature, so they came back for another interview. They shot a scene with Bonnie and Dan Rather walking down our hallway. I accidentally walked in the hallway, saw Dan Rather's back, gasped and ran into an office. I was very embarrassed. No one came and told me that the hallway was closed for 5 minutes. Paul (the Communications Director) asked if they wanted to reshoot it and Dan Rather said it was okay because it looks more natural.
I was so star struck. I shook his hand. He was so nice. He called me, "Ms. Liu". I usually hate that, but it was nice to hear Dan Rather call me Ms. Liu. I wish I could just have coffee with him. He's seen so much; he must have so many stories to share.
Here's a picture of JJ, Dan Rather and giddy me:
---------
Dan Rather came to our office today to interview Bonnie (the District Attorney) regarding medical marijuana. I guess he was here a while ago for this piece, but they decided to expand the story to an hour feature, so they came back for another interview. They shot a scene with Bonnie and Dan Rather walking down our hallway. I accidentally walked in the hallway, saw Dan Rather's back, gasped and ran into an office. I was very embarrassed. No one came and told me that the hallway was closed for 5 minutes. Paul (the Communications Director) asked if they wanted to reshoot it and Dan Rather said it was okay because it looks more natural.
I was so star struck. I shook his hand. He was so nice. He called me, "Ms. Liu". I usually hate that, but it was nice to hear Dan Rather call me Ms. Liu. I wish I could just have coffee with him. He's seen so much; he must have so many stories to share.
Here's a picture of JJ, Dan Rather and giddy me:
6.12.06
Haven
I'm thankful for...
.moments of clarity.
.laughter.
.a spiritual stronghold.
.refuge.
Now peace is so hard to find
We're terrorized and victimized
But that's when I close my eyes
And think of you to ease my mind
You take me to another place
There's no more war
Just love and grace
.moments of clarity.
.laughter.
.a spiritual stronghold.
.refuge.
Now peace is so hard to find
We're terrorized and victimized
But that's when I close my eyes
And think of you to ease my mind
You take me to another place
There's no more war
Just love and grace
30.11.06
Purged
Sometimes it feels good to cry. I never used to feel that way before. I usually feel the need to take a shower and sleep right after I cry. I've been this way since I was a child. My mama would scold me, I would cry, then take a nap. I would wake up with puffy eyes and feel much better. I was a cry baby when I was a child. I think I still am deep down inside, but I've suppressed those tendencies ever since 8th grade. I don't know why 8th grade, but that's what I remember.
I always feel bad when I cry in front of others because most of the time, they don't know what to do. It creates an awkward situation. It's such a strange thing: crying, tears... salty liquid coming out of one's eyes. I wonder why God made tears salty. I wonder why we even have the ability to cry.
There are different catalysts that may lead to crying: joy, sadness, anger, frustration, bitterness, etc. Joyful crying always surprises me because I don't expect or realize the tears. Sad crying makes my heart feel empty. Angry crying makes my shoulders tense. Frustrated/bitter crying makes my head hurt.
In the end, I feel exhausted.
I always feel bad when I cry in front of others because most of the time, they don't know what to do. It creates an awkward situation. It's such a strange thing: crying, tears... salty liquid coming out of one's eyes. I wonder why God made tears salty. I wonder why we even have the ability to cry.
There are different catalysts that may lead to crying: joy, sadness, anger, frustration, bitterness, etc. Joyful crying always surprises me because I don't expect or realize the tears. Sad crying makes my heart feel empty. Angry crying makes my shoulders tense. Frustrated/bitter crying makes my head hurt.
In the end, I feel exhausted.
28.11.06
13 songs
If I could steal the mind of any songwriter, I would want Fiona Apple's songwriting brilliance. I was debating between Joni Mitchell and Fiona Apple, but Fiona won. It may be because of my mood.
Fiona Apple songs I never get tired of:
Fiona Apple songs I never get tired of:
- Extraordinary Machine
- Oh Well
- Fast as you can
- Paper Bag
- Red Red Red
- Better version of me
- Parting Gift
- Please Please Please
- Shadowboxer
- Sullen Girl
- A Mistake
- Get Gone
- Never is a promise
this list is getting too long. I think it's safe to say that I like every Fiona Apple song.
Wait, I forgot about Ani Difranco. Hmmm... This is tough. It's a tie.
Ani Difranco songs I never get tired of:
- 32 Flavors
- Shy
- Manhole
- Paradigm
- Grey
- Lag time
- Studying stones
- Recoil
- As is
- Seeing eye dog
- Hour Follows Hour
- Knuckle down
- She Says
21.11.06
The Treachery of Images
Magritte!
Finally, I can post some exciting art news happening in California. I've been living vicariously through Charlotte as she visits rad exhibits nearly every weekend in New York.
This Magritte exhibit looks like uber fun: http://www.lacma.org/art/MagritteIndex.aspx
The Treachery of Images (This is not a pipe) is one of my favorite paintings ever. Plus, LACMA has a David exhibit, photography exhibit (with Cindy Sherman works) and an exhibit featuring Picasso's Greatest Print: The Minotauromachy in All Its States (I love seeing a piece through all the different phases)! I'm uber jazzed. I plan on going Friday or Saturday afternoon. Let me know if you want to go. :)
Finally, I can post some exciting art news happening in California. I've been living vicariously through Charlotte as she visits rad exhibits nearly every weekend in New York.
This Magritte exhibit looks like uber fun: http://www.lacma.org/art/MagritteIndex.aspx
The Treachery of Images (This is not a pipe) is one of my favorite paintings ever. Plus, LACMA has a David exhibit, photography exhibit (with Cindy Sherman works) and an exhibit featuring Picasso's Greatest Print: The Minotauromachy in All Its States (I love seeing a piece through all the different phases)! I'm uber jazzed. I plan on going Friday or Saturday afternoon. Let me know if you want to go. :)
20.11.06
Bon Mon Week-end
It was indeed a good weekend.
Mon came home for a couple of days. I had dinner at the Morales household Thursday night. I was busy taking notes (for my book/movie never to be completed) because Mon's family is quite quirky. I took Friday off from work to play with Mon. We had a fantastic time as always. We watched Happy Feet! Many of you may know that I adore penguins. I fell in love with them in South Africa (yes! There are penguins in South Africa! Absolutely wonderful!). So, Happy Feet was purely delightful. How can one not enjoy singing and dancing penguins?! The next thing I would enjoy is a movie about zebras. Hmmm... I think I like animals that are black and white. I like pandas too. Hmm.. Anyhoo,
We spent the rest of the day eating (?). I'm not exactly sure what we did Friday, but I know that I felt rejuvenated and encouraged afterwards. So many times, we just know what the other is thinking. We can be silly, make mistakes, feel confused and it's okay.
Wow, I feel like this entry was an overly-enthusiastic-teenage-girl-Dear-Diary entry. Oh well.
Mon came home for a couple of days. I had dinner at the Morales household Thursday night. I was busy taking notes (for my book/movie never to be completed) because Mon's family is quite quirky. I took Friday off from work to play with Mon. We had a fantastic time as always. We watched Happy Feet! Many of you may know that I adore penguins. I fell in love with them in South Africa (yes! There are penguins in South Africa! Absolutely wonderful!). So, Happy Feet was purely delightful. How can one not enjoy singing and dancing penguins?! The next thing I would enjoy is a movie about zebras. Hmmm... I think I like animals that are black and white. I like pandas too. Hmm.. Anyhoo,
We spent the rest of the day eating (?). I'm not exactly sure what we did Friday, but I know that I felt rejuvenated and encouraged afterwards. So many times, we just know what the other is thinking. We can be silly, make mistakes, feel confused and it's okay.
Wow, I feel like this entry was an overly-enthusiastic-teenage-girl-Dear-Diary entry. Oh well.
Op-Ed
simple, concise and brilliant. The writer is a poet, translator and university lecturer. He embodies three professions I admire.
Fear of Freedom
Fear of Freedom
16.11.06
What's Wrong?
That's my pet peeve question. I hate it when people ask me, "What's wrong?" Most of the time nothing is "wrong" and the question puts me in a foul mood. The question is wrong.
I have gotten used to those close to me asking me this at times simply because I know that they know me and can sense if something truly is bothering me. That was also a process of letting go. It annoyed me at first, but now it doesn't.
JJ is very intuitive/sensitive. He always checks in with me. I guess I'm not used to sensitive guys. He said that he sensed that my energy level was low and asked what was wrong. I told him that I haven't been able to sleep lately, so I'm just tired.
JJ: You're just tired from not sleeping? Nothing's bothering you?
Me: Yeah, I'm just tired.
JJ: If something was going on, would you tell me?
Me: Of course. That's the thing. JJ, that's actually one of my pet peeves. I know it's what you do and you're just caring, but I usually can't stand it when people ask me "What's wrong?" because you're already assuming that something is wrong. It makes me search for something to be wrong.
JJ: Ok, I won't ask you that anymore. It's just that we spend so much time together and I can sense when your energy level is low. But Grace, you don't tell me when something's going on. I have to work at it and pull your teeth to get it out of you. You keep it all inside and hide it.
So now, I'm the sensitve one and in a bad mood. I feel that I'm an open book and share freely with people around me. I'm beginning to wonder whether that truly is the case. I think half the time I don't really know what I'm feeling, so I can't share it. Others may point it out to me for me to ever realize it. That bothers me.
I have gotten used to those close to me asking me this at times simply because I know that they know me and can sense if something truly is bothering me. That was also a process of letting go. It annoyed me at first, but now it doesn't.
JJ is very intuitive/sensitive. He always checks in with me. I guess I'm not used to sensitive guys. He said that he sensed that my energy level was low and asked what was wrong. I told him that I haven't been able to sleep lately, so I'm just tired.
JJ: You're just tired from not sleeping? Nothing's bothering you?
Me: Yeah, I'm just tired.
JJ: If something was going on, would you tell me?
Me: Of course. That's the thing. JJ, that's actually one of my pet peeves. I know it's what you do and you're just caring, but I usually can't stand it when people ask me "What's wrong?" because you're already assuming that something is wrong. It makes me search for something to be wrong.
JJ: Ok, I won't ask you that anymore. It's just that we spend so much time together and I can sense when your energy level is low. But Grace, you don't tell me when something's going on. I have to work at it and pull your teeth to get it out of you. You keep it all inside and hide it.
So now, I'm the sensitve one and in a bad mood. I feel that I'm an open book and share freely with people around me. I'm beginning to wonder whether that truly is the case. I think half the time I don't really know what I'm feeling, so I can't share it. Others may point it out to me for me to ever realize it. That bothers me.
15.11.06
Crave Connection
Isn't it amazing how people connect, relate, share the same passions and interests? I am always so intrigued when I think about people and relationships. Although we are all unique, we can find a thread of connection. I dream of simply traveling around the world to talk with people, learn of their passions, and connect. There are people in my life I easily connect with. Conversations are peppered with laughter, banter, encouragement. The conversations rejuvenate and I feel alive. I imagine I can have this kind of connection with everyone if I tried. It truly amazes and delights me when I discover new things about a person. It's more amazing when I find that those new things align perfectly with my thoughts, ideas and passions. I suppose it all depends on timing. One can easily overlook a perfect friend. Before really knowing someone, have you ever thought: I think we could be really good friends. What makes us think that before truly knowing them? What is that initial connection?
..................
I read over some of my old journals last night. It's the first time I've ever read my journal entries. It's amazing to see how much I've changed and haven't changed. My South Africa journal made me miss it so... I'm thinking about posting a few of the entries here, but I think it may only interest me and everyone else may find it quite boring. Hope was the motif during my stay. Most of my journal entries are documentations of conversations I had during the day with random people. I asked every one of them what they thought of hope. I craved hope.
One line that I wrote truly made me miss South Africa: I feel at home here.
..................
I read over some of my old journals last night. It's the first time I've ever read my journal entries. It's amazing to see how much I've changed and haven't changed. My South Africa journal made me miss it so... I'm thinking about posting a few of the entries here, but I think it may only interest me and everyone else may find it quite boring. Hope was the motif during my stay. Most of my journal entries are documentations of conversations I had during the day with random people. I asked every one of them what they thought of hope. I craved hope.
One line that I wrote truly made me miss South Africa: I feel at home here.
9.11.06
mariée ? fiancée ? célibataire ?
Last night, we had class at a French Restaurant just around the corner from where I live. The teacher told us we could bring guests. I went seule. It was a pleasant opportunity to chat with my classmates and get to know them. Most of my classmates are young professionals, so it was neat to learn about what they do and what they studied in college.
Many people brought their significant others, which I found quite interesting. It almost seemed like a trophy contest. All the couples congregated together. I wish I could have observed them some more and taken notes because it all seemed so awkward. It wasn't uncomfortable or anything, but I experienced a subtle sense of awkwardness as I watched them. I felt awkward for them. Even if I did have a boyfriend, I don't think I would have taken him.
I was glad I didn't have awkward.
p.s. I'll post some of the songs on that list some time soon. My ipod keeps dying and my computer died a while ago. I suppose I can list from memory.
Many people brought their significant others, which I found quite interesting. It almost seemed like a trophy contest. All the couples congregated together. I wish I could have observed them some more and taken notes because it all seemed so awkward. It wasn't uncomfortable or anything, but I experienced a subtle sense of awkwardness as I watched them. I felt awkward for them. Even if I did have a boyfriend, I don't think I would have taken him.
I was glad I didn't have awkward.
p.s. I'll post some of the songs on that list some time soon. My ipod keeps dying and my computer died a while ago. I suppose I can list from memory.
7.11.06
Life Soundtrack
I thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag
I bought the soundtrack to The Last Kiss. I haven't watched the movie. It was an impulsive buy. I have most of the songs, but I felt so happy to see so many of my favorite artists and songs in one place. It would have made more sense to modify a playlist, but I was so excited that the soundtrack nearly mirrored my 'songs I never get tired of/soundtrack of my life' list. The elation led me to purchase.
What's on your life soundtrack?
I bought the soundtrack to The Last Kiss. I haven't watched the movie. It was an impulsive buy. I have most of the songs, but I felt so happy to see so many of my favorite artists and songs in one place. It would have made more sense to modify a playlist, but I was so excited that the soundtrack nearly mirrored my 'songs I never get tired of/soundtrack of my life' list. The elation led me to purchase.
What's on your life soundtrack?
27.10.06
Makes no sense at all
Home Going Celebration
I went to a funeral service this week for Reverend George Stevens. However, the word "funeral" was not printed once on the program. It was more appropriately and correctly called a home going celebration. Reverend Stevens was a prominent African-American activist and politician in San Diego. It was a beautiful celebration of his life and an amazing worship service for God. The choir was awe-inspiring. I liked how the congregation was so expressive. People would respond throughout the service, randomly stand up, clap, lift their arms.
Roxy
On a random note, I went horseback riding yesterday for Beverly Day. My horse's name was Roxy. Beverly's horse, Cooper was quite temperamental. JJ's horse was huge and steady. Roxy kept stopping to smell the flowers. I think she had allergies like me because she kept sneezing.
Visits
I have had quite a few visitations in the last month. Andy inadvertently visited me. Johny came by last Friday, which was exciting because it was a mini surprise. For some reason, Johny makes me say goofy things. I feel that half of our conversations don't make any sense. The other half of our conversations, we're actually having three different conversations. It's hard to explain, but I always feel very comfortable around Johny although we haven't been close-close friends for a long time. I find Johny very insightful and understanding.
Johny minus the 'y'
John MSN visited yesterday. He brought Shayna and Nathan. I absolutely adore them. Sena and Sharon joined us for dinner. We had a nice time.
Arrested Development vs. Scrubs
I can't believe I never watched Arrested Development until now. To put all the peer-pressuring from Dan and Drew to rest, here is my statement: I like both shows equally. I truly do. Dan and Drew don't believe me when I say that, but both shows are hilarious to me in very different ways. I think Dan needs to watch more of Scrubs and Drew needs to watch more of Arrested Development. We can all get along.
Plus One
Sophia's wedding is on a yacht. I think it's going to be quite elegant, yet freezing because it's on a yacht in December. It feels like a date wedding (where one must or should take a date) and this unecessarily annoys me. It's probably perfectly fine if I don't take a date and go with Kristine and Hana. I like going to places alone and doing things alone because I like to observe people. I never feel uncomfortable with the idea of being alone. But, when I imagine looking at people and jotting down notes on my napkin at a wedding, I feel a bit uncomfortable to be honest.
Relationships
In response to the comment on my last post, I'm not exactly sure of the answer. When I think about successful or failed relationships, I can vaguely picture what they look like in my mind. However, it's hard to imagine how we got there. I see various turning points in the relationships, but it all seems so blurred. I wonder if any relationship really fails. What does it mean to succeed or fail in a relationship? I suppose one must first define success and failure. I don't think I've ever looked at relationships in terms of success or failure. I see them as broken, renewed or sustained. In conclusion, I have not provided any new or profound thoughts as a reply to the comment because I have no idea. Relationships. They're a mystery to me. My mind isn't ready to handle just yet.
How in the hell do we get ourselves in these situations?
The bridge from "Makes No Sense At All" is stuck in my head. Someone, please help. Can't. get. it. out.
I went to a funeral service this week for Reverend George Stevens. However, the word "funeral" was not printed once on the program. It was more appropriately and correctly called a home going celebration. Reverend Stevens was a prominent African-American activist and politician in San Diego. It was a beautiful celebration of his life and an amazing worship service for God. The choir was awe-inspiring. I liked how the congregation was so expressive. People would respond throughout the service, randomly stand up, clap, lift their arms.
Roxy
On a random note, I went horseback riding yesterday for Beverly Day. My horse's name was Roxy. Beverly's horse, Cooper was quite temperamental. JJ's horse was huge and steady. Roxy kept stopping to smell the flowers. I think she had allergies like me because she kept sneezing.
Visits
I have had quite a few visitations in the last month. Andy inadvertently visited me. Johny came by last Friday, which was exciting because it was a mini surprise. For some reason, Johny makes me say goofy things. I feel that half of our conversations don't make any sense. The other half of our conversations, we're actually having three different conversations. It's hard to explain, but I always feel very comfortable around Johny although we haven't been close-close friends for a long time. I find Johny very insightful and understanding.
Johny minus the 'y'
John MSN visited yesterday. He brought Shayna and Nathan. I absolutely adore them. Sena and Sharon joined us for dinner. We had a nice time.
Arrested Development vs. Scrubs
I can't believe I never watched Arrested Development until now. To put all the peer-pressuring from Dan and Drew to rest, here is my statement: I like both shows equally. I truly do. Dan and Drew don't believe me when I say that, but both shows are hilarious to me in very different ways. I think Dan needs to watch more of Scrubs and Drew needs to watch more of Arrested Development. We can all get along.
Plus One
Sophia's wedding is on a yacht. I think it's going to be quite elegant, yet freezing because it's on a yacht in December. It feels like a date wedding (where one must or should take a date) and this unecessarily annoys me. It's probably perfectly fine if I don't take a date and go with Kristine and Hana. I like going to places alone and doing things alone because I like to observe people. I never feel uncomfortable with the idea of being alone. But, when I imagine looking at people and jotting down notes on my napkin at a wedding, I feel a bit uncomfortable to be honest.
Relationships
In response to the comment on my last post, I'm not exactly sure of the answer. When I think about successful or failed relationships, I can vaguely picture what they look like in my mind. However, it's hard to imagine how we got there. I see various turning points in the relationships, but it all seems so blurred. I wonder if any relationship really fails. What does it mean to succeed or fail in a relationship? I suppose one must first define success and failure. I don't think I've ever looked at relationships in terms of success or failure. I see them as broken, renewed or sustained. In conclusion, I have not provided any new or profound thoughts as a reply to the comment because I have no idea. Relationships. They're a mystery to me. My mind isn't ready to handle just yet.
How in the hell do we get ourselves in these situations?
The bridge from "Makes No Sense At All" is stuck in my head. Someone, please help. Can't. get. it. out.
20.10.06
White/Red
I work downtown right by the harbor, so we usually see all the tourists on cruises at restaurants and walking down the street during lunch break. This week, I saw a lot of white. White uniforms, white hats and white shoes. Sailors everywhere. They're from Korea on this world tour.
JJ and I went to Sushi Deli (JJ's favorite place to eat) for lunch the other day. JJ saw someone he knew and left me to talk to her. I looked around and saw five sailors in a small circle. They started talking to me because they noticed that I was Korean. They were all very friendly and excited to see San Diego. One guy was so excited he got to see dolphins on their way here.
There's something about sailors that makes them seem like little boys to me. I think it might be the uniform.
---------------------
I went to a Red Ribbon Luncheon today. The National Red Ribbbon Campaign began in 1985, following the murder of DEA Special Agent Enrique Camarena, killed by drug traffickers. His son, Enrique Camarena Jr. spoke at today's function. He works here at the District Attorney's Office. I had no idea how Red Ribbon Week started. Here's what he wrote about what happened:
In 1985, my father was a DEA Agent working undercover in Mexico. As a DEA Agent, he was stationed in Calexico, CA, Fresno, CA and then Guadalajara, Mexico. His work in Guadalajara brought him close to unlocking a multi-billion dollar drug pipeline which he suspected extended into the highest reaches of the Mexican army, police and government. Nearly eleven years after he joined the DEA, his life came to a tragic end. On February 7, 1985, just three weeks before he was to be reassigned to San Diego, he was kidnapped by five men, who shoved him into a sedan just outside the United States Consulate. He was kidnapped in broad day light with the complicity of the Mexican Police. On March 6, his body, and the body of his pilot, Alfredo Zavala-Alvera (who had been kidnapped separately on the same day ) were found in a shallow grave.
His death sparked a debate in this country. All of which was followed by a well orchestrated cover up. It drew media attention from the day that my dad went missing to months and even years after. My father's murder drew the outrage of the American public who, maybe for the first time, saw the true dark side of drug trafficking and to what depths the drug cartel leaders would sink to maintain control of their business.
The events surrounding my dad's murder sparked a grass roots campaign to reduce the demand for drugs and encourage a healthy, violence-free lifestyle across the United States. Saddened by his death, his friends, family and youth in his hometown of Calexico, California began wearing Red Ribbons in his honor. The movement has grown every year. The Red Ribbon Campaign symbolizes support for efforts to reduce demand for drugs through prevention and education programs.
Each year from October 23rd to October 31st thousands of schools, communities and drug abuse prevention organizations throughout the country distribute red ribbons to honor my father's memory and visibly show a dedication to be drug free. It is estimated that 80 million people participate in Red Ribbon Week around the nation.
Thank you in advance for participating.
JJ and I went to Sushi Deli (JJ's favorite place to eat) for lunch the other day. JJ saw someone he knew and left me to talk to her. I looked around and saw five sailors in a small circle. They started talking to me because they noticed that I was Korean. They were all very friendly and excited to see San Diego. One guy was so excited he got to see dolphins on their way here.
There's something about sailors that makes them seem like little boys to me. I think it might be the uniform.
---------------------
I went to a Red Ribbon Luncheon today. The National Red Ribbbon Campaign began in 1985, following the murder of DEA Special Agent Enrique Camarena, killed by drug traffickers. His son, Enrique Camarena Jr. spoke at today's function. He works here at the District Attorney's Office. I had no idea how Red Ribbon Week started. Here's what he wrote about what happened:
In 1985, my father was a DEA Agent working undercover in Mexico. As a DEA Agent, he was stationed in Calexico, CA, Fresno, CA and then Guadalajara, Mexico. His work in Guadalajara brought him close to unlocking a multi-billion dollar drug pipeline which he suspected extended into the highest reaches of the Mexican army, police and government. Nearly eleven years after he joined the DEA, his life came to a tragic end. On February 7, 1985, just three weeks before he was to be reassigned to San Diego, he was kidnapped by five men, who shoved him into a sedan just outside the United States Consulate. He was kidnapped in broad day light with the complicity of the Mexican Police. On March 6, his body, and the body of his pilot, Alfredo Zavala-Alvera (who had been kidnapped separately on the same day ) were found in a shallow grave.
His death sparked a debate in this country. All of which was followed by a well orchestrated cover up. It drew media attention from the day that my dad went missing to months and even years after. My father's murder drew the outrage of the American public who, maybe for the first time, saw the true dark side of drug trafficking and to what depths the drug cartel leaders would sink to maintain control of their business.
The events surrounding my dad's murder sparked a grass roots campaign to reduce the demand for drugs and encourage a healthy, violence-free lifestyle across the United States. Saddened by his death, his friends, family and youth in his hometown of Calexico, California began wearing Red Ribbons in his honor. The movement has grown every year. The Red Ribbon Campaign symbolizes support for efforts to reduce demand for drugs through prevention and education programs.
Each year from October 23rd to October 31st thousands of schools, communities and drug abuse prevention organizations throughout the country distribute red ribbons to honor my father's memory and visibly show a dedication to be drug free. It is estimated that 80 million people participate in Red Ribbon Week around the nation.
Thank you in advance for participating.
18.10.06
I want to be a quitter
It's hard to quit something. It was incredibly difficult for me to quit coffee. I probably haven't and will never fully quit coffee. It's a sad realization; the truth that something can have such a hold on me. I'm now trying to let go of another vice of mine and I'm surprised by how difficult it is to quit. I feel that once I get through this week, it might get a little bit easier. So far, I think about it everyday. Once I get past the two-month mark, I'll probably share this vice of mine. For now, please excuse the ambiguity. It's just embarrassing because it's so silly.
13.10.06
WoW
in a bad way.
JJ and I figuratively got punched in the stomach about four times this week. I am so disgusted with the politics, bureaucracy and selfishness of the corrections system. It's all very disturbing and disheartening.
I'm
JJ and I figuratively got punched in the stomach about four times this week. I am so disgusted with the politics, bureaucracy and selfishness of the corrections system. It's all very disturbing and disheartening.
I'm
- looking forward to the museum reception tonight.
- having trouble sleeping again. I've had two nightmares about marriage and my future the past week.
- not learning too much in my French class. It's a lot of working on conversations and pronunciation, which is great. I don't mind so much because I'm taking it for fun. The teacher has basically taught us most everything related to dating, so if anything, I'll be able to flirt in Paris. We had to describe our ideal mate in French on Wednesday. The teacher said I have "bizarre taste" in men.
- glad it's so grey outside. It rained a little bit here. I wish I was outside right now so I could enjoy the beautiful grey day. I can't wait to wear my polka-dot wellies on a pouring day and walk around without fearing puddles.
12.10.06
10.10.06
with dashel: walking in the alley, blue sky, smelly dumpsters
(sigh)
hm?
another day.
they just keep happening, don't they?
yeah.
crazy world.
Dashel is Andrea's friend who has visited a couple of times. When I first met him, he had hot pink hair the length of Kurt Cobain's hair. He writes plays, sings and plays the guitar. Dashel is an eccentric character straight out of an indie flick.
hm?
another day.
they just keep happening, don't they?
yeah.
crazy world.
Dashel is Andrea's friend who has visited a couple of times. When I first met him, he had hot pink hair the length of Kurt Cobain's hair. He writes plays, sings and plays the guitar. Dashel is an eccentric character straight out of an indie flick.
5.10.06
I want to hold your hand
A Simple Show of Hands
I think the second page is better than the first.
“We found that holding the hand of really anyone, it made your brain work a little less hard in coping,” Dr. Coan said, adding that any sort of hand-holding relaxes the body.
------------------
The aja project (where I almost worked and where Andrea does work):
The mission of The AjA Project is to empower refugee and underprivileged youth through educational programs and to help them create better opportunities for their future. We fulfill our mission by fostering a sense of belonging and self-worth in refugee youth, as they develop valuable vocational, technical, and photography skills.
If you're free next Friday, October 13, 2006, I invite you to:
Re+COLLECT: Reception
San Diego Museum of Art Sculpture Garden / The Prado, Balboa Park
6pm-9pm
(Suggested donation $100.00) but at this point, Andrea said they need people to attend, so a donation in any amount ($5, $10, or whatever you can afford) is appreciated.
I think a few of the students will discuss their photographs.
Here's the website for the aja project: www.ajaproject.org You can see some of the photos on the Re+COLLECT link. Let me know if you want to go. :)
I think the second page is better than the first.
“We found that holding the hand of really anyone, it made your brain work a little less hard in coping,” Dr. Coan said, adding that any sort of hand-holding relaxes the body.
------------------
The aja project (where I almost worked and where Andrea does work):
The mission of The AjA Project is to empower refugee and underprivileged youth through educational programs and to help them create better opportunities for their future. We fulfill our mission by fostering a sense of belonging and self-worth in refugee youth, as they develop valuable vocational, technical, and photography skills.
If you're free next Friday, October 13, 2006, I invite you to:
Re+COLLECT: Reception
San Diego Museum of Art Sculpture Garden / The Prado, Balboa Park
6pm-9pm
(Suggested donation $100.00) but at this point, Andrea said they need people to attend, so a donation in any amount ($5, $10, or whatever you can afford) is appreciated.
I think a few of the students will discuss their photographs.
Here's the website for the aja project: www.ajaproject.org You can see some of the photos on the Re+COLLECT link. Let me know if you want to go. :)
3.10.06
29.9.06
Dans
Dan 1
Dan visited San Diego yesterday. We did a few of my favorite things: ate sushi, watched a documentary and walked along the harbor. I never get tired of those sculptures. I enjoy that our conversations can go anywhere from talking/debating about Warhol, relationships, how boats are built, new realizations and anything else that comes up. It's nice to be around someone I've known for so long, who knows me so well. Thanks for visiting Dan.
Dan 2
I recently emailed Dan, my nonfiction television professor who basically was my favorite person at USC. I email him whenever I feel confused about my future. His responses are always so comforting and wonderful. I appreciate his encouragement and words of wisdom. He's always impressed by what I'm doing and even thinking. I don't quite understand, but that's what he says to me. It's silly, but I love that he calls me a gem. It makes me feel so small and special.
---
a dancing soul...
Dan visited San Diego yesterday. We did a few of my favorite things: ate sushi, watched a documentary and walked along the harbor. I never get tired of those sculptures. I enjoy that our conversations can go anywhere from talking/debating about Warhol, relationships, how boats are built, new realizations and anything else that comes up. It's nice to be around someone I've known for so long, who knows me so well. Thanks for visiting Dan.
Dan 2
I recently emailed Dan, my nonfiction television professor who basically was my favorite person at USC. I email him whenever I feel confused about my future. His responses are always so comforting and wonderful. I appreciate his encouragement and words of wisdom. He's always impressed by what I'm doing and even thinking. I don't quite understand, but that's what he says to me. It's silly, but I love that he calls me a gem. It makes me feel so small and special.
---
a dancing soul...
22.9.06
My room
I think I'm nearly done decorating my room. I finally feel settled in. It may be the favorite in my life thus far. I especially like it in the dark with lit candles. The flickering makes all the pictures come alive.
Weird: lotion bar.
JJ brought me one from St. Louis, Missouri. It looks like soap, but it's lotion(?).
Weird: lotion bar.
JJ brought me one from St. Louis, Missouri. It looks like soap, but it's lotion(?).
21.9.06
Happy Peace Day!
All we are saying is give peace a chance.
John Lennon
Peace is the only battle worth waging.
Albert Camus
And will render decisions for many peoples;
And they will hammer their swords into plowshares and their spears into pruning hooks
Nation will not lift up sword against nation,
And never again will they learn war.
Isaiah 2:4
Peace is always beautiful.
Walt Whitman
20.9.06
Dark Chocolate
Yesterday was my first day volunteering for St. Luke's Refugee Network. The organization supports Sudanese families during their years of adjustment to American life. There are approximately 3,500 Sudanese refugees living in the San Diego area. St. Luke's provides many services, including after-school tutoring. I decided to check it out yesterday after work and fell in love.
I worked with Moses, an 8th grader who loves basketball and hip-hop.
Moses...
his skin is dark chocolate
rich, deep, beautiful
the color of the soul's abyss.
Moses wrote a story about drowning. I think it's the best story I've read from a student. He doesn't make eye contact very often or smile. I look forward to learning more about him.
p.s. Tomorrow is International Peace Day, so remember to sport your peace signs. Andrea made me a neat badge and sewed a peace sign on one of my shirts. :) Peace is always in fashion.
I worked with Moses, an 8th grader who loves basketball and hip-hop.
Moses...
his skin is dark chocolate
rich, deep, beautiful
the color of the soul's abyss.
Moses wrote a story about drowning. I think it's the best story I've read from a student. He doesn't make eye contact very often or smile. I look forward to learning more about him.
p.s. Tomorrow is International Peace Day, so remember to sport your peace signs. Andrea made me a neat badge and sewed a peace sign on one of my shirts. :) Peace is always in fashion.
18.9.06
Meghan O'Neil
I always feel so full after hanging out with Megs. She exudes such warmth and love. We always seem to understand one another. No matter how much time passes by or how far apart we are, I feel so connected with Megs. We had a wonderful time of talking about books, family, God, love and of course, marriage. I learned quite a bit about marriage from Megs. I like that she's equally honest about her fears, challenges, joys and achievements. It's too bad Brandon (her husband) couldn't hang out with us. I adore Brandon.
I'm so thankful for Meghan's visit. I feel so refreshed and challenged. Simply being in Meghan's presence is comforting. I love her beautiful soul.
I was sad last night after we said goodbye. I tried my hardest not to cry.
I'm so thankful for Meghan's visit. I feel so refreshed and challenged. Simply being in Meghan's presence is comforting. I love her beautiful soul.
I was sad last night after we said goodbye. I tried my hardest not to cry.
14.9.06
Books Galore!
I don't like to read two or more books at the same time (minus a book and the Bible). I get too confused and feel a bit overwhelmed because I get so immersed in the book. Therefore, I can only handle one book at a time. However, I feel a bit overwhelmed today because I have so many books I want to read and now I realize I have already opened more than one book. I can't just close it and finish what I've already started and go back because it's too late. Once the book is opened, there's no turning back. I don't know how I got in this predicament.
Here is my current reading list:
Here is my current reading list:
- A Wrinkle in Time: Charlotte recommended I read the book again and continue on with the series. I pretty much do whatever Charlotte tells me to do because I never regret it. The book is way more fun than I remember.
- The Best of Sherlock Holmes: Dan recommended Sherlock Holmes to me years ago. I was quite surprised and felt that it was a worthy investment because Dan liked it and Dan doesn't really like to read. It has now become my reading right before I fall asleep. Sometimes, I get too into the story and can't fall asleep because I have to finish it.
- The Safest Place on Earth: I'm supposed to read it twice by next week for small group. I read a little bit of the foreword and it seems interesting. I'm excited to learn.
- The Ragamuffin Gospel - Visual Edition: I read a few pages every so often and admire the art in the book. The visuals complement the beauty of the gospel. It's thought provoking, challenging and convicting. I can handle small doses. Reading the book inspires me to write, take photos and put it all together.
- Desiring God: I received a copy of this book from Chung. He mentioned the book a couple of weeks ago and said that the book changed his life. He enjoyed the book so much, he bought the book in bulk and now had a bunch to give out, so he gave me one because he learned that I like to read and I don't mind dense books. The book does look intense. I haven't started yet because I want to wait until I can devote my full attention to the book. I'll probably wait until I finish a couple of the other books I'm reading right now.
I like the idea of books as gifts. It's an exchange of ideas and feelings. I especially like it when little messages are written inside the book because every time I open it or read it, I'm reminded of the person who gave it to me.
I like to think about what other people think about when they read. I want to know what lines stood out to them, how they felt, what they thought as they read certain passages. Reading an already marked-up book is my delight; it's a flashing glimpse into a person's mind.
11.9.06
Beauty for Ashes
Beauty for ashes
A garment of praise for my heaviness
Beauty for ashes
Take this heart of stone and make it yours
I delight myself in the Riches of Fare
Trading all that I've had for all that is better
A garment of praise for my heaviness
You are the greatest taste,
You're the Richest of Fare
A garment of praise for my heaviness
Beauty for ashes
Take this heart of stone and make it yours
I delight myself in the Riches of Fare
Trading all that I've had for all that is better
A garment of praise for my heaviness
You are the greatest taste,
You're the Richest of Fare
7.9.06
Lights Spoiled
White Christmas lights connect the lamp posts along a bridge through Balboa Park. JJ and I like to drive through the park and look at everything (as if it's the first time we've ever seen the museums and organ pavillion).
Grace: I like these lights.
JJ: At night?
Grace: Yeah, I guess at night. I mean, I like these lights right now too though because I can imagine what they'll look like at night. I just like that they're there.
JJ: I knew you would say that! Something weird like that. That's why I asked "at night?". Only you would say you like those lights during the daytime because you can imagine them at night.
Grace: Oh... But, that's how I feel.
JJ: Grace, you're so weird. But in a nice way. I like that you notice things I don't see.
I feel very spoiled in San Diego. JJ spoils me as his baby sister and all the men always open doors and let me in/out first. It still surprises me and I get uber awkward because I would rather follow than go in/out first, so I do this 1.5 second rocking back and forth before I step forward.
Grace: I like these lights.
JJ: At night?
Grace: Yeah, I guess at night. I mean, I like these lights right now too though because I can imagine what they'll look like at night. I just like that they're there.
JJ: I knew you would say that! Something weird like that. That's why I asked "at night?". Only you would say you like those lights during the daytime because you can imagine them at night.
Grace: Oh... But, that's how I feel.
JJ: Grace, you're so weird. But in a nice way. I like that you notice things I don't see.
I feel very spoiled in San Diego. JJ spoils me as his baby sister and all the men always open doors and let me in/out first. It still surprises me and I get uber awkward because I would rather follow than go in/out first, so I do this 1.5 second rocking back and forth before I step forward.
6.9.06
XDR-TB
The World Health Organization will hold an emergency meeting tomorrow and Friday to deal with a tuberculosis crisis in South Africa. They're finding deadly strains of XDR-TB, extreme drug-resistant TB that are virtually untreatable with standard drugs. The high rates of HIV in South Africa exacerbate the crisis.
I always feel so overwhelmed when I think about the people of South Africa, but I always try to remember that God loves them more than I do. When I read about XDR-TB, my heart sank. The suffering in Africa makes no sense to me. I don't understand how we, as the world can allow all the suffering to occur in Africa or in any other part of the world. I suppose we have to do our part as opportunities arise.
Could you take a couple of minutes to lift up a prayer for South Africa?
Remaining hopeful,
Grace
I always feel so overwhelmed when I think about the people of South Africa, but I always try to remember that God loves them more than I do. When I read about XDR-TB, my heart sank. The suffering in Africa makes no sense to me. I don't understand how we, as the world can allow all the suffering to occur in Africa or in any other part of the world. I suppose we have to do our part as opportunities arise.
Could you take a couple of minutes to lift up a prayer for South Africa?
Remaining hopeful,
Grace
5.9.06
Cluttered Thoughts
- the sun drains. I went to RJD (the men's prison near San Diego) again today. A bee landed on my shirt and I nearly freaked out. Julie (an analyst at the D.A.'s office) thought it was odd: You walk confidently around this place, talk to murderers, but you're scared of a bee. Julie reminds me a lot of Marianne. It's scary at times. She has an interesting perspective of me and what one should achieve in life.
- speaking of achievements in life. I was offered a public information position at the D.A.'s office. It's a long story, but basically, I'm not 100% sure I'm going to get it because I showed a lack of enthusiasm the first time it was offered to me. People in this office don't show much sympathy for those who actually have to think things through before making a decision. I feel torn because I know in my mind it's a great opportunity, but I couldn't help but freak out as Gail (the Communications Director) described the job to me. Scenes from The Devil Wears Prada flashed across my mind. At this point, I'll probably take the job if they still want me because it's a challenging and learning opportunity. I think I'm just tired of people telling me that this is the best opportunity that can come my way at this stage in my life and that I'm foolish for not being excited about it. I can't help it if this position doesn't make me giddy.
- I had a nice heart-to-heart with Jules after EM service on Sunday. It was nice and comfortable. I admire Julie's soft and warm heart.
- I like playing with Doojin. We had breakfast on Sunday. We can talk about nothing and everything.
- Johny was in Lake Elsinore on Saturday, so we played. It was neat and kind of strange hanging out with him in Lake Elsinore. I felt a little exposed and vulnerable. I drove him around the lake, Main St., my old schools and my old houses. It was odd driving around to my old houses because I never went back once I moved. I had mostly happy memories at some houses and really terrible memories at a particular house. As I stared at the house I hated, I felt overwhelmed by the events that took place in that house. I wonder who lives there now. Are they happy? I hope so. That house holds so many memories. Whenever I see or go inside an old house, I always wonder about all the people who once resided in the house and what happened. So many stories.
- I tutored Harrison and his younger brother, Harold yesterday. Afterwards, Harrison's mom, my mom and I started talking about marriage. Harrison's mom and I have a lot in common. As I listened to her thoughts about marriage and how she felt before getting married, I noticed many similarities. I think I might call her up sometime and talk to her some more.
- Please watch Little Miss Sunshine. I cried. I laughed.
- I watched Annie Hall again. I watched it a long time ago when I was too young to understand or appreciate it. I really like the movie. I think it may be one of my top five favorite romantic comedies. My mama likes movies, so we watched AMC a lot when I was a kid. I think she thought that all movies on AMC were okay for me to watch because they were old. She thought that older movies weren't inappropriate for a kid to watch compared to movies these days. When I think about it now, I watched a lot of movies that were inappropriate for me to watch. It's a good thing I have such terrible memory.
- Whew. I wrote a lot. I also wrote "a lot" a lot. I realized that as I was writing, but decided not to worry about it. My mind feels less cluttered. Sorry you read this all. Hopefully, my next entry will be less disorganized.
31.8.06
Dear Reader,
I remember when I first learned to write letters. I wonder why the greeting is "Dear".
I left my Bible bag at my mama's, so I'm Wordless this week. This has led to more thinking and meditating on verses I've memorized (which makes me realize that I need to memorize more verses).
I realize that my life is so good. I felt overwhelmed by that thought this week. I even tried to think about my current struggles and what not, but the good overwhelmingly outweighs the bad. No matter how difficult or challenging life is, nothing can taint the beautiful truth that there is love, hope and joy in God.
As I thought about the good in my life, I can't help but be so grateful for the friends, siblings in my life. I grew up as an only child. Although I have three half-sisters, I consider myself an only child. I wonder about them at times and it makes me sad; yet, I feel that I don't lack in family at all.
I am thankful for..
I left my Bible bag at my mama's, so I'm Wordless this week. This has led to more thinking and meditating on verses I've memorized (which makes me realize that I need to memorize more verses).
I realize that my life is so good. I felt overwhelmed by that thought this week. I even tried to think about my current struggles and what not, but the good overwhelmingly outweighs the bad. No matter how difficult or challenging life is, nothing can taint the beautiful truth that there is love, hope and joy in God.
As I thought about the good in my life, I can't help but be so grateful for the friends, siblings in my life. I grew up as an only child. Although I have three half-sisters, I consider myself an only child. I wonder about them at times and it makes me sad; yet, I feel that I don't lack in family at all.
I am thankful for..
- a big sister who loves me no matter what and can see absolutely no wrong in me. I think her love for me is greater than any love my three half-sisters could collectively ever have for me.
- a big brother who teases me out of love, always comforts me when I cry and seems to speak a perfect language that my soul easily discerns.
- my sister who may be more Korean inside than me. She teaches me to be honest, vulnerable and brave.
- a little sister who understands the inner workings of my mind and emotions. We can share any and all embarrassing feelings and thoughts. It's amazing how our souls mirror one another.
- my other big sister across the country. I can feel her love from thousands of miles away. Her wisdom and encouragement inspire me so... She fuels my idealistic dreams.
- all my friends who are family to me: friends who make me wacky and silly, friends who hope, friends who are brilliant, friends who challenge...
- you.
My mama always fears that I'll be left alone when my parents have passed away. I am thankful that I can't even imagine that.
29.8.06
Love rise up
The Ugandan government and Lord's Resistance Army signed a truce Saturday. The LRA went on local radio to announce that as of today, their war is over and they will stop fighting.
We still need to pray for Uganda... for Africa.. for the world. Let's pray for healing. Let's pray for light. Let's pray for joy. Let's pray for dancing.
Album of the day: David Crowder Band's A Collision
Hope rise up.
We still need to pray for Uganda... for Africa.. for the world. Let's pray for healing. Let's pray for light. Let's pray for joy. Let's pray for dancing.
Album of the day: David Crowder Band's A Collision
Hope rise up.
24.8.06
Mystery Moments
I read a portion of a story in The Best of Sherlock Holmes last night. I couldn't finish it because I fell asleep at 9. I don't understand why I'm so tired. I eat healthy foods, I exercise, I'm not consuming any coffee. Maybe I'm still catching up from the retreat? I don't feel that I should be so tired from the retreat though because it was more rejuvenating than tiring. I can't wait to finish the story tonight before I fall asleep.
I also read John... I don't remember.. last night. I read the part where Jesus washes the disciples' feet. I wanted to do the last QT from the retreat book that we didn't get a chance to do. One of the points in the lesson was that the disciples acknowledged Jesus as their teacher and Lord. This made me reflect. I definitely think of Jesus as a teacher, but is He really Lord of my life? I learn so much from Jesus, but do I obey and worship Him as my Lord and Savior? How different would my life be if I truly lived as Jesus as my Lord? I have to think on this some more.
As I was preparing my lunch this morning, I thought about moments. I know I talk about this all the time, but here are a few more thoughts. I like moments. I enjoy them. I wonder if it's possible to enjoy every moment. Can I enjoy this moment - cleaning my strawberries and packing them in tupperware - just as much as I enjoy a moment sitting at the beach and burying my feet in the warm sand? As I thought about it, I realized that I do enjoy those seemingly mundane moments just the same and I can similarly enjoy every moment in my life. It may be difficult to enjoy every single moment, but I will try my hardest.
It's about being joyful and thankful in all situations. At this moment, I'm thankful that I work in an air-conditioned facility able to enjoy my Green Machine Naked Juice while listening to Joni Mitchell. I'm joyful because God has a plan and I can trust Him.
Every moment is enjoyable because it exists.
I also read John... I don't remember.. last night. I read the part where Jesus washes the disciples' feet. I wanted to do the last QT from the retreat book that we didn't get a chance to do. One of the points in the lesson was that the disciples acknowledged Jesus as their teacher and Lord. This made me reflect. I definitely think of Jesus as a teacher, but is He really Lord of my life? I learn so much from Jesus, but do I obey and worship Him as my Lord and Savior? How different would my life be if I truly lived as Jesus as my Lord? I have to think on this some more.
As I was preparing my lunch this morning, I thought about moments. I know I talk about this all the time, but here are a few more thoughts. I like moments. I enjoy them. I wonder if it's possible to enjoy every moment. Can I enjoy this moment - cleaning my strawberries and packing them in tupperware - just as much as I enjoy a moment sitting at the beach and burying my feet in the warm sand? As I thought about it, I realized that I do enjoy those seemingly mundane moments just the same and I can similarly enjoy every moment in my life. It may be difficult to enjoy every single moment, but I will try my hardest.
It's about being joyful and thankful in all situations. At this moment, I'm thankful that I work in an air-conditioned facility able to enjoy my Green Machine Naked Juice while listening to Joni Mitchell. I'm joyful because God has a plan and I can trust Him.
Every moment is enjoyable because it exists.
23.8.06
God Loves You.
That was pretty much the theme of the youth group retreat this past weekend.
I went to the retreat with a student's heart - eager to learn, hang out and worship as a family. The speaker was very anecdotal and it was a bit difficult at times to find the lesson or main message, but in the end that worked out as a positive. I talked to a few students about the retreat and they also felt they didn't really learn as much as they thought they would, but in the end it only made them more hungry for the Word. Overall, I was so encouraged by the students. I learned so much from them.
I loved...
I went to the retreat with a student's heart - eager to learn, hang out and worship as a family. The speaker was very anecdotal and it was a bit difficult at times to find the lesson or main message, but in the end that worked out as a positive. I talked to a few students about the retreat and they also felt they didn't really learn as much as they thought they would, but in the end it only made them more hungry for the Word. Overall, I was so encouraged by the students. I learned so much from them.
I loved...
- watching Ben and Andrew rock out during praise.
- watching our FPC youth group worship freely.
- praying with the students.
- the testimony sharing time - hearing about how God is moving.
- QT in the morning sitting on a rock and closing my eyes as I looked up at the sun. I really love that orange glow. It warms my soul.
- watching the youth group kids welcome my innocent tutor boys from Murrieta.
- small group with the 13th and 12th grade girls. They even woke up earlier than the other students so we could have more time for QT sharing because they know that they talk a lot and they didn't want to be late for breakfast.
- watching Brian Kim eat.
- bonding with DChon.
- praying with Mansoo. Why is that kid so sweet?
- staff meetings. The youth group staff is amazing. I'm always so humbled and challenged by the hearts of the teachers. They're so devoted and full of love. It truly was a privilege to serve with them.
- meditating on the fact that God loves me. I've heard it so many times, yet I think it's been a while since I've actually understood it. I'm not sure if I fully do, or if I ever will. I want to actualize that thought.. truth in my life.
God loves you.
Such a simple statement filled with power that leaves me in wonder.
16.8.06
Coffee Tombstone
Visitors
Andrea's friend, Adam is visiting from Seattle and staying with us. He's been here for a week now and we've had a few good conversations. I think Andrea and Adam complement one another quite well.
Kris, her friend Eleanor and Michael came to San Diego yesterday for the Death Cab for Cutie concert. Kris and Eleanor actually had tickets. The venue was outdoors near the harbor behind the convention center. People sat on the lit convention center steps, hung out near the rocks along the harbor and a couple of people rented little boats and were floating in the water near the concert. Michael, Adam and I sat along the harbor to simply listen. However, it got windy and very cold, so we moved over to the convention center steps. I enjoyed listening to the music from afar. I liked staring at the lights because I like light shows. Plus, the volume was perfect for relaxation. We could enjoy the music and still carry on conversations. I had a splendid time.
Throat/Stomach/Esophagus Issues
My throat hurts again today. I think the cold yesterday may have started some kind of sickness chain; however, I will devote the rest of today and tomorrow to hydrating myself to rid myself of sickness. That's the plan. My voice keeps changing because of my throat/stomach/esophagus issues. I feel like a boy going through puberty, except I'm skipping the voice-squeaking phase and jumping right to my voice sounding deeper. Actually, I think I sound raspy. Gross. Anyway, my doctor was supposed to call me today and tell me the results of my Monday barrium exam (which I do want to share about, just not now) but he hasn't called yet. I'm taking it as good news. I figure if it was anything serious, he would have called by now. So there you have it, coffee is not killing me.
Andrea's friend, Adam is visiting from Seattle and staying with us. He's been here for a week now and we've had a few good conversations. I think Andrea and Adam complement one another quite well.
Kris, her friend Eleanor and Michael came to San Diego yesterday for the Death Cab for Cutie concert. Kris and Eleanor actually had tickets. The venue was outdoors near the harbor behind the convention center. People sat on the lit convention center steps, hung out near the rocks along the harbor and a couple of people rented little boats and were floating in the water near the concert. Michael, Adam and I sat along the harbor to simply listen. However, it got windy and very cold, so we moved over to the convention center steps. I enjoyed listening to the music from afar. I liked staring at the lights because I like light shows. Plus, the volume was perfect for relaxation. We could enjoy the music and still carry on conversations. I had a splendid time.
Throat/Stomach/Esophagus Issues
My throat hurts again today. I think the cold yesterday may have started some kind of sickness chain; however, I will devote the rest of today and tomorrow to hydrating myself to rid myself of sickness. That's the plan. My voice keeps changing because of my throat/stomach/esophagus issues. I feel like a boy going through puberty, except I'm skipping the voice-squeaking phase and jumping right to my voice sounding deeper. Actually, I think I sound raspy. Gross. Anyway, my doctor was supposed to call me today and tell me the results of my Monday barrium exam (which I do want to share about, just not now) but he hasn't called yet. I'm taking it as good news. I figure if it was anything serious, he would have called by now. So there you have it, coffee is not killing me.
15.8.06
Quotes -> Idea.
I went to the San Diego Council on Literacy yesterday because Marianne had to help them with their database. Marianne is the program coordinator for the Literacy Intervention Program. I'm going to be filling in for her until her replacement comes in November. As I was waiting, I read a book, a compilation of quotes from learners and tutors about their experiences. Each section addressed a different aspect of literacy. One section described how illiteracy affected people's health. A mother overmedicated her child because she couldn't read the prescription.
The book helped me realize how much of our daily activities involves reading. We read so much everyday.
In another section, the learners explained why they wanted to learn how to read. Most of the adults wanted to learn for their children. But, one learner said,
I am 72 years old. I want to read the Bible.
I paused after I read the line. I re-read it a few more times. I tried to understand the learner's heart, desire, passion and courage to do something challenging for God's sake. The line challenged me.
Sometimes I dream about starting a non-profit focused on literacy. I think it would be amazing to improve literacy through expression. The learners would learn to write and they would write about what they know best: themselves. They would write narratives or maybe just short sentences or letters about their experiences, dreams and hopes. I get giddy when I imagine reading everything.
---------------------------------------------
I like the following quote:
The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become.
- Charles DuBois
The book helped me realize how much of our daily activities involves reading. We read so much everyday.
In another section, the learners explained why they wanted to learn how to read. Most of the adults wanted to learn for their children. But, one learner said,
I am 72 years old. I want to read the Bible.
I paused after I read the line. I re-read it a few more times. I tried to understand the learner's heart, desire, passion and courage to do something challenging for God's sake. The line challenged me.
Sometimes I dream about starting a non-profit focused on literacy. I think it would be amazing to improve literacy through expression. The learners would learn to write and they would write about what they know best: themselves. They would write narratives or maybe just short sentences or letters about their experiences, dreams and hopes. I get giddy when I imagine reading everything.
---------------------------------------------
I like the following quote:
The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become.
- Charles DuBois
14.8.06
Follow your bliss
It's exciting to think about our church growing and maturing. I remember Kim MSN always encouraging us to run with horses. We've had kingdom-mind/heart-themed retreats for the past three years. I feel that we've been talking about growing for so long. It's exciting to learn practical lessons we can apply to truly be a church as God intended church to be.
Blissful moments:
Let the streets resound with singing,
Songs that bring Your hope, songs that bring Your joy,
Dancers who dance upon injustice.
Blissful moments:
- discussing blissful moments with Ames, Angie, Jane and Laura.
- singing praise songs with Dan, Ames and Aria.
- Aria busting out with the hand motions to "He's Changing Me".
- heart-to-hearts.
- talking about hope.
- speed scrabble.
- making fun of Sam for creating ridiculous new words. He's so lopey.
- laughing at Friendrew for creating ridiculous new words.
- watching Kristine practice breathing for swimming.
- washing off the pool saltiness in a nice warm shower. Why was the pool so salty?
- Mina being superstitious and flipping out.
- laying in bed listening to Jane describe her exciting dream that involved a theft, mystery and sombrero.
- watching Angie in the bouncy house.
- jumping in the bouncy house.
- taking notes with my new thin brown pen.
- Sunday worship service: As we sang "Did you feel the mountains tremble?", my imagination began to run wild. All the images were so vibrant in technicolor. I imagined the students at the Islamic boarding school in Indonesia singing their hearts out. I saw children in North Korea smiling and laughing. I saw the people at my homestay village in South Africa dancing upon injustice. I was overwhelmed by joy. It was more than bliss.
Let the streets resound with singing,
Songs that bring Your hope, songs that bring Your joy,
Dancers who dance upon injustice.
8.8.06
So here we go.
I watched Punch-Drunk Love last night. It's the first time I've seen it after watching it at the movie theatre when it came out. I really enjoyed the art and music.
I have a love in my life. It makes me stronger than anything you can imagine.
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I started reading Ezekiel again because not reading it for its depressing subject matter is a stupid excuse. I think I'm finally getting to the hope section of the book. God keeps leaving windows of opportunity open for the Israelites to repent and come back to Him, but they keep rebelling against Him.
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Before Sunrise/Sunset: Okay, it's getting quite ridiculous how obsessed I've become over these two films. I can't wait to get paid, so I can purchase them. The thing is I probably shouldn't purchase them because I need to save up money for our move. Therefore, I'm getting my fix by reading the scripts. I'm so crazy.
If there's any kind of magic in this world it must be in the attempt of understanding someone sharing something. I know, it's almost impossible to succeed but who cares really? The answer must be in the attempt.
7.8.06
Weekend Update
- Jane's Wedding: It was beautiful. Jane was glowing and couldn't stop smiling. I caught the bouquet. It's such an odd feeling. I saw the bouquet coming straight at me in slow motion and it just plopped into my hands. I think I heard the 'plop' sound in my head.
- After party: It was just about to get boring when we started playing pictionary. After we ran out of paper, Diana suggested that we play charades. The task: imitate an object in the room. Jane Bang was a perfect electrical socket.
- The Viewing Pt. 1: Ames, Dan and I finally had our viewing of Legends of the Fall. Please don't ask why. That movie is hilarious. Actually, it was hilarious watching the movie with Ames and Dan. I recommend you watch the trailer for the movie if you want a good laugh. It's so dramatic. I can't wait for our viewing part 2.
- Breakfast with Sero: I heart Sero. She asked me if I would consider living in France, which is odd becuse it's one of my dreams (to live in France for a couple of years spending hours at cafes) and I've never mentioned it to her before. Pastor Roy told her that a huge part of the ministry in France is conversing with people. Sero suggested just going to college campuses and talking to students about God, challenging their beliefs and stimulating their minds. That sounds exciting to me.
Overall, I feel incredibly tired because of lack of sleep, but I feel good. I think it's because I've been surrounded by neat people this past weekend. It's fun to connect, reconnect with people.
3.8.06
Weather Changes
The weather is messing me up. Humidity, heat, cold, rain... I woke up yesterday with a sinus headache and felt nauseous the entire day. I couldn't go to sleep until 1 a.m. (which is late for me). I had the recurring dream where I've been ditching my math classes and now I'm completely behind and unprepared for the final. Actually, it was a bit different this time. I had enrolled in two math classes and was trying to juggle the two. I failed miserably and felt stressed the entire dream.
At least it rained. This makes me happy.
At least it rained. This makes me happy.
1.8.06
Bad/Good
Bad:
I think I may be getting sick. This is coming too early. I usually get sick after retreats, but I really shouldn't even get sick after this Youth Group retreat because I'm not even teaching a seminar or anything. I have my girls for small group. I haven't been to a single meeting. I'm terrible, I know.
Good:
I didn't get good sleep last week. I fell asleep at 7 last night. I woke up at midnight thinking it was morning. I went back to sleep so happy because I realized I had 7 more hours to go. I got 12 hours of sleep. I feel so well rested.
...
I miss playing with Ames and Dan. Hopefully, we can have our movie viewing this Sunday.
...
I was following a case next door at the courthouse. Marianne and I saw some of the testimonies and closing arguments. The guy received the death penalty.
I went to a sentencing today for three of the Mexican Mafia prison gang members.
...
I want to go to the beach.
...
WoW, this post is so boring. I apologize.
I think I may be getting sick. This is coming too early. I usually get sick after retreats, but I really shouldn't even get sick after this Youth Group retreat because I'm not even teaching a seminar or anything. I have my girls for small group. I haven't been to a single meeting. I'm terrible, I know.
Good:
I didn't get good sleep last week. I fell asleep at 7 last night. I woke up at midnight thinking it was morning. I went back to sleep so happy because I realized I had 7 more hours to go. I got 12 hours of sleep. I feel so well rested.
...
I miss playing with Ames and Dan. Hopefully, we can have our movie viewing this Sunday.
...
I was following a case next door at the courthouse. Marianne and I saw some of the testimonies and closing arguments. The guy received the death penalty.
I went to a sentencing today for three of the Mexican Mafia prison gang members.
...
I want to go to the beach.
...
WoW, this post is so boring. I apologize.
31.7.06
A good talk
with Doojin:
It always delights me when Doojin and I hang out every so often. We talk about what we're learning, our worries, our classes, etc. Doojin has become one of those people I can meet anytime and feel comfortable talking about silly fears or my family issues. He took me to Galaxy Hamburger. The place was so neat with pictures of astronauts. The breakfast was yummy and I think I ate more than Doojin (I'm proud to say).
with Diane:
Diane and I were in the same small group a while ago. We ate lunch together and caught up on how we're doing spiritually. Diane always inspires and challenges me. She constantly puts herself in difficult situations to test herself and grow. I admire her heart to become more like Jesus.
with Charlotte:
I'm so happy Charlotte is in town. She looks so Sex-and-the-City fantastic! I simply heart Charlotte. We had a nice passionate talk about global warming. It was quite rejuvenating.
with Michael:
It was a pleasant surprise, a good time of clarification and understanding. I learn a lot from Michael. I am grateful for the lessons to come.
with Andy:
We played ping pong at Paul O.'s house and caught up in each other's lives. Andy and I have a nice encouraging supportive friendship. We're happy when the other is happy, sad when the other is sad. It's nice.
It always delights me when Doojin and I hang out every so often. We talk about what we're learning, our worries, our classes, etc. Doojin has become one of those people I can meet anytime and feel comfortable talking about silly fears or my family issues. He took me to Galaxy Hamburger. The place was so neat with pictures of astronauts. The breakfast was yummy and I think I ate more than Doojin (I'm proud to say).
with Diane:
Diane and I were in the same small group a while ago. We ate lunch together and caught up on how we're doing spiritually. Diane always inspires and challenges me. She constantly puts herself in difficult situations to test herself and grow. I admire her heart to become more like Jesus.
with Charlotte:
I'm so happy Charlotte is in town. She looks so Sex-and-the-City fantastic! I simply heart Charlotte. We had a nice passionate talk about global warming. It was quite rejuvenating.
with Michael:
It was a pleasant surprise, a good time of clarification and understanding. I learn a lot from Michael. I am grateful for the lessons to come.
with Andy:
We played ping pong at Paul O.'s house and caught up in each other's lives. Andy and I have a nice encouraging supportive friendship. We're happy when the other is happy, sad when the other is sad. It's nice.
27.7.06
A Day at the D.A.'s
Marianne: I always won the Easter hat contest.
JJ: I always won the Easter dance concert.
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When JJ was younger, his parents and neighbor's parents would make all the kids gather and dance for them. They were always the Jackson 5 and JJ was the youngest, so of course, he was Michael. It cracks me up when I think about little JJ in his white Easter suit and white shoes doing the "I Want You Back" dance. I wish I won dancing contests when I was younger.
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JJ and I were in his office when Marianne walked in giddily holding her ipod and said, "Grace, remember what we were going to have JJ do?" I didn't remember. JJ and I just stared at one another. Marianne finally found her song. She held her earphones up so that we could hear the oh-so-familiar opening of " I Want You Back". Marianne and I both smiled at JJ. He knew what we wanted.
JJ stood up, moved over to the 2.5 feet of open space in his office and stepped perfectly to the Jackson 5 choreography. It was ... awesome.
--------------------------------------------------------
Marianne: Hey, Grace. Look at me.
(I look over and see that Marianne has put her earphones on her eyes. She's squinting really hard to keep them in place.)
Marianne: My eyes are playing music.
(Cyndi Lauper's "Girls Just Want To Have Fun" is blaring from Marianne's eyes.)
JJ: I always won the Easter dance concert.
-------------------------------------------------------
When JJ was younger, his parents and neighbor's parents would make all the kids gather and dance for them. They were always the Jackson 5 and JJ was the youngest, so of course, he was Michael. It cracks me up when I think about little JJ in his white Easter suit and white shoes doing the "I Want You Back" dance. I wish I won dancing contests when I was younger.
--------------------------------------------------------
JJ and I were in his office when Marianne walked in giddily holding her ipod and said, "Grace, remember what we were going to have JJ do?" I didn't remember. JJ and I just stared at one another. Marianne finally found her song. She held her earphones up so that we could hear the oh-so-familiar opening of " I Want You Back". Marianne and I both smiled at JJ. He knew what we wanted.
JJ stood up, moved over to the 2.5 feet of open space in his office and stepped perfectly to the Jackson 5 choreography. It was ... awesome.
--------------------------------------------------------
Marianne: Hey, Grace. Look at me.
(I look over and see that Marianne has put her earphones on her eyes. She's squinting really hard to keep them in place.)
Marianne: My eyes are playing music.
(Cyndi Lauper's "Girls Just Want To Have Fun" is blaring from Marianne's eyes.)
26.7.06
Studying Stones
There's never been an endeavor so strange
As trying to slow the blood in my veins
To keep my face blank
As a stone that just sank
I like small, smooth, grey stones from the beach that perfectly fit into my hand.
Teach myself to see each of us
Through the lens of forgiveness
It's an Ani Difranco day.
Song of the day/past few months for me: Lag Time. I'm too slow. Must fix quickly.
As trying to slow the blood in my veins
To keep my face blank
As a stone that just sank
I like small, smooth, grey stones from the beach that perfectly fit into my hand.
Teach myself to see each of us
Through the lens of forgiveness
It's an Ani Difranco day.
Song of the day/past few months for me: Lag Time. I'm too slow. Must fix quickly.
24.7.06
Interesting read(s)
The New York Times Op-Ed article: "He Who Cast The First Stone Probably Didn't". It made me think. He discusses pain and the idea of retaliation, revenge, etc. He wrote that "we usually give more pain than we have received", which I think is true. Here is an excerpt:
Research teaches us that our reasons and our pains are more palpable, more obvious and real, than are the reasons and pains of others. This leads to the escalation of mutual harm, to the illusion that others are solely responsible for it and to the belief that our actions are justifiable responses to theirs.
None of this is to deny the roles that hatred, intolerance, avarice and deceit play in human conflict. It is simply to say that basic principles of human psychology are important ingredients in this miserable stew.
I think I want to read his book.
Oh, and try to search for the article this woman wrote about how Shamu saved her marriage.
Oh, and there's also an article in the Times about finding the best taco in California. King Taco is mentioned.
I wish I worked for The New York Times and wrote brilliant articles.
Research teaches us that our reasons and our pains are more palpable, more obvious and real, than are the reasons and pains of others. This leads to the escalation of mutual harm, to the illusion that others are solely responsible for it and to the belief that our actions are justifiable responses to theirs.
None of this is to deny the roles that hatred, intolerance, avarice and deceit play in human conflict. It is simply to say that basic principles of human psychology are important ingredients in this miserable stew.
I think I want to read his book.
Oh, and try to search for the article this woman wrote about how Shamu saved her marriage.
Oh, and there's also an article in the Times about finding the best taco in California. King Taco is mentioned.
I wish I worked for The New York Times and wrote brilliant articles.
19.7.06
Nice
Beer delivery guy on the street makes eye contact with me, smiles
I smile
(Smiles are so nice)
Beer delivery guy: Hi.
Me: Hi.
Beery delivery guy: You look very nice.
Me (surprised): Thank you.
A simple compliment. It wasn't sarcastic or sleazy. It was sweet and genuine. I started thinking about all the little things that make me smile. I haven't thought about my list in quite some time. I encourage you to think about your list.
Let's all do/say something nice for someone today, preferrably a stranger. Perhaps a simple smile will do. I think it will be nice.
I smile
(Smiles are so nice)
Beer delivery guy: Hi.
Me: Hi.
Beery delivery guy: You look very nice.
Me (surprised): Thank you.
A simple compliment. It wasn't sarcastic or sleazy. It was sweet and genuine. I started thinking about all the little things that make me smile. I haven't thought about my list in quite some time. I encourage you to think about your list.
Let's all do/say something nice for someone today, preferrably a stranger. Perhaps a simple smile will do. I think it will be nice.
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