Recently...

Visited:

• Portland, Oregon: loved it! It's so green and they have recycling bins everywhere. Plus, there are so many roses and they all smell so wonderful.
• MOCA, San Diego Downtown: enjoyed the Tijuana exhibit. It inspired me to start a craft project. I called my mama and asked for my Craypas set of oil pastel crayons. She thought I was crazy.

Saw:

• Born Into Brothels: sad, beautiful, inspiring. I want to take pictures.
• Pirates II: mindless gluttonous fun.
• The King: well-made. I felt nervous the entire time. About what? I don't know. I'm not sure if it was meant to be so suspenseful, but it was for me.
• Before Sunrise: all dialogue set in real time. It's my dream come true: meeting a stranger in some foreign country and discussing anything from spider webs to pet peeves to fears to joys. It's interesting to watch the beginning of a relationship.
• Before Sunset: sequel to Before Sunrise. all dialogue again set in real time. I have a feeling these two movies are my next big purchases.

Thought about:

• Connect-the-Dots coloring pages: I enjoyed connect-the-dots coloring pages. Although the page was initially filled with a bunch of seemingly arbitrarily placed dots, the dots became a part of a picture that made sense once I drew the lines. I was attracted to the idea of making sense out of something that didn't seem to make any sense at all. I mostly feel like I'm staring at a bunch of dots when I reflect on my life, people, the world. After watching the two Before films, I began thinking about people in my life and connections. Getting to know someone is exhilarating. I absolutely enjoy it - discovering new ideas, thought processes, perspectives. As we throw out all our thoughts onto a huge blank wall, I imagine all the thoughts coming together, forming dots, vertical, horizontal and mostly diagonal lines. This entity becomes a vibrantly colorful abstract connect-the-dots composition.

It is well

with my soul.

We studied Job in Bible Study yesterday. I want to be able to say "It is well..." in all circumstances. I think that only happens when I stop focusing on myself or asking God "why?" and start considering who God is. Once I start thinking about God's mercy, grace, love, magnanimity, I and the question "why?" become so trivial. I'm so grateful that God is always the same. I'm so grateful that I can hope in Him.

-------------------------------------------------------------
My high school senior english teacher made us write letters to our future selves in five years. I had my letter addressed to Sue's house because I wasn't sure where I'd be at age 23. Sue and I got together Saturday, had lunch and read our letters. Most of my letter was pretty silly and I could tell that I really didn't want to write the letter. I basically went through Mrs. Williams' guidelines and answered all the questions in an outline form.

It's interesting to notice what I expected of myself: hopefully you are single (check. It's funny because Sue wrote that she hoped she was married.), have a job or at least an internship (check), live in New York (hopefully in the near future). I was pleasantly surprised to read the advice I gave myself five years ago. Its relevancy shocked me. Well, I suppose the advice could relate to my life at any stage:
Stay focused! Smile. Have a consistent walk with God. Be humble and don't be afraid to love. If you haven't accomplished everything you thought you would, it's okay as long as you're happy.

After our fabulous lunch and trip down Memory Ln., I decided to visit the Steiner's. It had been way too long since I saw Sue's family. I drove by the lake and remembered our crew days. I loved rowing out to the middle of the lake. I would just sit and daydream. I drove through Main St., our little downtown in Lake Elsinore. I remembered our visits to the City Council meetings. We had to shadow a city council member for a day and I remember we discussed what we should do about development and Mom-and-Pop stores. I had no idea that Lake Elsinore would soon become just like any other suburbia. It saddens me. I also drove by my old houses... moments I'd like to forget flashed across my mind. I passed by Machado Park and remembered I took tennis lessons for a few weeks when I was 7. That's so weird - me playing tennis.

Okay, back to the Steiner household. It was nice to see everyone. Reed and Neil (two of Sue's three younger brothers) are so big. Will Park (was in ASB, one of the few Korean kids at my school) came over and we chatted for a little bit. It's always so warm and comfortable at Sue's place.

We were both so dissatisfied with our letters that we decided to write another letter to our future selves. We'll be 28 when we open them. That seems so far away, but I know it'll smack me in the face so soon. I wrote more about how I felt now so I could remember at 28. I think I made a short to-do list for the next five years. Oh and this time, I wrote about all the people in my life and what I predict for them. That was quite fun.

As I left Sue's place, I felt so full... just happily and refreshingly full.

A simple question

Doctor's office receptionist: Are you the subscriber of your insurance?
Me: Sorry?
Doctor's office receptionist: Is your husband the primary subscriber?

I choke.
On air.

Grace's Sports Day?

It's that time of the year ...
when sickness strikes.

I felt pretty crummy over the weekend. I slept. And slept. And slept some more. I feel much better today - pretty much completely well. Sunday was quite a lazy day. I woke up, took a shower, decided I was too dizzy to go to church, went back to sleep and woke up again completely disoriented because I thought it was Monday.

I woke up (the second time) just in time for the Brazil v. Australia soccer game. Brazil was amazing! They're so fun to watch. I've pretty much been swept into the whirlpool of the World Cup craze. I watched the Korea v. France game next. It wasn't as exciting after watching brilliant Brazil, but I still enjoyed it. I watched the game with Mon via telephone.

I somehow got sucked into watching the U.S. Open golf tournament. I caught the end of it and found it quite captivating.

Soon after that ended, I watched game 5 of the NBA Finals. Wow! What an exciting game! My mommy was even getting into it towards the end. She couldn't watch the end because she said she was too nervous.

Happy Flag Day

Things I learned from doing research about Flag Day:

• Flag Etiquette: There is no greater insult than to fly a flag upside down.
• Flag designs do change, and care must be taken to ensure that the flag you fly is correct and current. The most comprehensive source for this information is The Flag Research Center, Winchester, Massachusetts.
• When the flags of two or more nations are flown together, each flag should be displayed from a separate pole of the same height, and each flag should be the same size. In time of peace, international custom forbids the display of the flag of one nation above that of another nation. Flying the flags of two nations on the same pole is a sign of war-time victory. It will be interpreted as a serious insult. An alternative to an outdoor flag display, where flagpoles are limited, is to post the flags in your reception area and/or conference room.

When I was a child, I used to go through my encyclopedias for fun. The "F" encyclopedia was always quite fun because of all the flags. I tried to memorize all the flags, but my brain couldn't handle it.

Happy Birthday Ames.

Imaginary Reality

I've been contemplating a few issues of mine for the past couple of months. I found self-reflectiveness quite refreshing, yet disgusting as time and perspective magnified my fualts and mistakes. I also realized that self reflection can often lead to egotistical and selfish thoughts.

Thinking leads to writing. So far, I have a couple of typed pages, four napkins and two receipts with random notes that only make sense in my mind. It has been both fun and overwhelming transcribing the make-believe world in my mind to actual dialogue, scenes and characters. The most intriguing part of this entire process has been the blurring lines between reality and fiction. I try to stick to fiction, but I can't help but write about what I know best, which is my life and my perspective. However, my faulty memory fails to be an accurate account. Therefore, what I think is/was reality may not be at all. Contemplating this boggles my mind because then I wonder whether I truly remember anything at all. I suppose even the events, people, conversations I remember inevitably go through pasteurization in my mind. After some time, I tend to begin idealizing everything in the past. The people who once hurt me turn into heroes. I kill all the negative and harmful thoughts.

It's hard to tell whether my stories are even my own or the ones I made up in my idealistic mind.

JuJu Quote of the Day

I will go through life not knowing names, but I will know their spirit.
- JJ defending himself when I said he was ridiculous for not knowing the name of a woman he claims has a crush on him.

JJ is my supervisor. I call him JuJu at times because the spell check on outlook always tries to change his name to JuJu.

By the way, here's the definition for juju according to dictionary.com in case you're curious:
ju·ju n.
An object used as a fetish, a charm, or an amulet in West Africa.
The supernatural power ascribed to such an object.
A style of Nigerian popular music featuring electric guitars and traditional drums.

I want to love.

I feel overwhelmed when I think about the world and its unfathomable number of inhabitants, the unknown lands, abyssal waters, the diversity of life in rainforests, the complexity of oppression, poverty, disease, and politics. Once I begin thinking about one issue, my mind transforms into a chaotic web of ideas and emotions as one thought exponentially expands in every direction beyond my realm. I get stuck in the middle as the web seems to grow thicker. I can’t catch up. I eventually give up; I stand frozen and helpless.

I dream of a poverty-free and peace-loving world, but reality traps me in this web.

I was a child with countless thoughts roaming around in my little head with a mind that soon began to outgrow its physical containment. I was intrigued by the world. I lived in wonder and curiosity. As I began to read and live in books, my thirst for answers only became more desperate. How could I live in such freedom while a child my age in Africa would struggle everyday to find enough firewood to sell for food? How could there be hunger in this world when there were kids in my cafeteria throwing away trays of food because it was cardboard pizza day? The world made no sense to me. It still makes no sense to me. I am bewildered and baffled. I am enchanted by the world’s hidden beauty and mystery. As a child, I was disturbed to see such ugliness in the world, but I believed it had to possess goodness and beauty as well. I wanted to discover the world, fall in love with it.

I fell in love.

South Africa was a perfect microcosm of my view of the world as a child. As I traversed the beautiful desert plains, my love affair with the world grew larger than my soul could contain. The children in Africa I imagined as a child all became a true, sad and beautiful reality. I experienced the beauty of hope and redemption speaking with the HIV patients at a village hospital, hearing the stories of raped women, and listening to old men reflect upon the country’s history and politics outside the convenient store porch. I realized that in a seemingly despondent and hopeless place, hope lies in the people.

I am in love.

Words, words, words

A book begins as a private excitement of the mind...
- E.L. Doctorow

Pardon me while I burst...

A decade ago, I never thought I would be at twenty three, on the verge of spontaneous combustion. Woe-is-me.

I'm scared of lighting matches. The sound of the ignited match, the flame's sudden growth and its close proximity to my fingers all scare me. The flame always seems to devour the match so quickly.

Shuffle

I usually end up skipping a few songs when I put music on shuffle, but I had a good run this morning without a single skip:

1. They Say (feat. Kanye West, John Legend) - Common
2. Sweetness - Jimmy Eat World
3. A Lack of Color - Death Cab for Cutie
4. Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley
5. The Shining - Badly Drawn Boy
6. Warning Sign - Coldplay
7. Everything's Not Lost - Coldplay

and then I was off to meetings.

Visual Stimulation

I've watched several movies, plays and documentaries the past couple of weeks (and went to a concert). I recommend the following:

• Afghanistan Unveiled: a documentary about Afghan women by Afghan women journalists. It was heart-breaking and enlightening.
• The Sort of Happy Ending to the Sad Sad Tale of Mr. Ali Ali, Or: The Lighter Side of Outsourcing Torture: A play by Craig Abernethy based on the practices of extraordinary rendition, which is "an American extra-judicial procedure which involves the sending of criminal suspects, generally suspected terrorists or alleged supporters of groups which the US Government considers to be terrorist organizations, to countries other than the United States for imprisonment and interrogation" (Wikipedia).
• Tsotsi: A South African movie about a gang member who hijacks a car one night and later discovers a baby in the back seat. He crudely takes care of the baby and we slowly see his transformation. Set against the backdrop of poverty and AIDS, this movie was a beautiful story of redemption. The townships were amazingly shot - very impressionistic. I want to go back...
• A Special Day: A 1977 film by Ettore Scola featuring Sophia Loren and Marcello Mastroianni. Great acting, a simple story, brilliant work with the camera and sounds. The movie was intriguing and alluring.
• G. Love and Special Sauce concert: Thanks Ames. It was uber rad and so fun. We somehow ended up in the front row, which was a bit intimidating. The special sauce was quite special and G. Love, well... that guy plays a mean harmonica. I enjoyed every minute!

Well, I think that wraps up the entertainment report. Maybe I'll write something of more substance later on... 'til then..

Looking for something to open my eyes

Housewarming/Potluck/DOB Shindy

Last week was a fun bonding-with-Andrea week. We made crafts every night, shopped for groceries and had nice talks. We have fun things in common. I'm so glad we both like ugly things.
Saturday:
Andrea and I woke up early and hit the thrift store circuit to find ourselves some frames, dishes, a crockpot thingie (for her bread) and a punch bowl. We figured it was cheaper to buy dishes than paper plates. We found a set at a garage sale for $5!

Once we finished our shopping, the cooking began. I can't believe we cooked everything we did in our tiny kitchen using one oven. The kitchen use planning paid off. We had a good system of cooking and doing dishes to free up space. Andrea and I had so much fun in the kitchen. She loves to bake, so she's a whiz in the kitchen. I, on the other hand, mess up rice. So, I was quite nervous about making lasagna. I heard it's hard to mess up lasagna, but I had confidence that I would find a way to ruin it.

After about 3 hours of prep work of cutting, roasting, grating and mixing the cheese, etc. the lasagna finally made it into the oven. I started helping Andrea peel apples for her amazing apple pie. It truly turned out AMAZING. For those of you who couldn't come, you must come visit and beg Andrea to make you apple pie. Right around 4:30, a wave of tiredness crashed into me and I sat on the couch for a few minutes. I was supposed to be washing our dishes we bought in the morning. I wished we had bought paper plates. However, I caught a second wind and went back to work. Plus, Johny came and was a wonderful helper. The Johny Jungle Juice was spectacular. I still had to make Grace Guacamole. I made it really fast and called it a good day in the kitchen.

Fun moments of the evening:

• my worlds colliding. A bit awkward at times, but still fun.
• people enjoying lasagna. I was so relieved and happy that people liked it.
• Simpsons Clue. Andrea and I want to play all the time now. Anyone want to come over?
• Andrea's random friends (she met while apartment hunting) coming in with their instruments and playing in our living room. The fiddler was uber rad!
• watching people draw on our coffee table. We asked our guests to draw elephants with their eyes closed. It was fun watching Andy draw an elephant with its eyes closed too.
• doing dishes with Dan and watching him imitate the Survivors of Torture logo. You gotta see it; ask him to show you.
• watching the continuous flow of people in our home. I was continuously pleasantly surprised.

Thank you everyone who came! The home felt so warm, even after everyone left. Andrea and I sat in the dark living room after we finished cleaning and soaked in the warmth of all our guests. Our home really feels like a home now.

On this day...

Robert Koch announced the discovery of the bacterium that causes tuberculosis in 1882. Today is World Tuberculosis Day.

Queen Elizabeth I died in 1602. I wish I could have been friends with Elizabeth.

In 1980, Nightline debuted. Although Ted Koppel irritates me at times, I like this show.

Also on this day, the tanker Exxon Valdez spilled more than 11 million gallons of oil in Prince William Sound, Alaska in 1989. What an evironmental mess!

In 1999, NATO bombed Yugoslavia.

Laugh

Andrea and I went to the San Diego Latino Film Festival last night. We watched Viva Cuba, a movie about Malu, a young girl who runs away from her home with Jorgito, her friend because her mother plans to leave Fidel Castro's Cuba. They both have a crush on one another, but they always fight. The movie was a delight. I really liked it visually as well because of all the wide shots. There were a few surreal sequences and overall, the composition of each shot was beautiful. I enjoyed watching the dynamics between the little girl and boy. Their relationship was so funny and cute. The movie was a perfect light-hearted movie that made us laugh. We both needed to laugh. It was nice to laugh.

If we hug each other hard enough, no one will be able to separate us.

Pleasant Evening and Morning

I came home around 4:30, cleaned, organized and went out for a walk. I really like the area where I live. The small streets are peppered with small bookstores, thrift stores and restaurants. I'm looking forward to exploring San Diego. I live near Balboa Park where they have so many museums in one place! I think they have at least 10. Every Tuesday is free museum day. I believe the Museum of Photographic Arts is free today. I might go check it out today after work.

After I came back from my walk, I sat in the yellow chair in our living room for a while. I invite everyone to drop by and sit in this yellow chair; I guarantee it will make you smile.

I put on some jazz as I prepared dinner and the jazz continued throughout the evening and this morning. There's nothing like listening to John Coltrane's In A Sentimental Mood while eating dinner and reading. I ended the night with some Miles Davis.

I started this morning with Charlie Parker and Ella Fitzgerald. I woke up earlier than I should have so I began the day with some prayer, had an extra cup of tea and read a little bit of God's Word in the one spot where the sunlight warms the room. Jeremiah is getting really interesting. It's scary to read about God's wrath and anger, but it's a good reality check and puts things in perspective.

At around 7:35 a.m., I walked outside and waited for JJ and Marianne to come by and pick me up for work. As I watched other cars drive by, I remembered being in Indonesia and praying for everyone who drove by and the people we drove by. Those prayers felt so necessary because we weren't sure when or how they would ever hear the gospel. I wondered why I didn't feel that sense of urgency here in the States. So I began to pray. Five minutes passed when JJ drove up, stopped the car and drove forward as I reached for the door handle. He thought he was pretty funny for a good 10 minutes after I got in the car.

Now I'm at work where I should be working because we have quite a few meetings today, but I wanted to think about the pleasant evening and morning. I smile.

Reprieved

To find some beautiful place to get lost

I can't stop listening to Elliott Smith. So sad and soothing. I like...

On repeat:

• Last Hour
• Can't Make A Sound
• Let's Get Lost
• Trouble
• A Passing Feeling
• Stupidity Tries
• A Distorted Reality Is Now A Necessity To Be Free
• Bye
• Easy Way Out
• Coast To Coast
• Single File
• The Biggest Lie
• Thirteen
• Everything Means Nothing To Me

why should you want any other, when you're a world within a world?

Exhausted

.

...

Today is

International Women's Day.

Facts (from World Vision)

1. It is estimated that 2 million children—mostly girls—are enslaved in the global sex trade.
2. Between 60 and 100 million women who should be alive today are “missing” as a result of violence associated with gender discrimination.
3. Globally, one woman dies every minute due to problems related to pregnancy.
4. Ninety-nine percent of these deaths are in the developing world.
5. Women earn only 10 percent of the world’s income, yet they work two out of three of all labor hours worldwide.
6. More than 2.5 million children are at risk each year of contracting HIV from their mothers, even though preventative interventions are inexpensive.
7. Every year, an estimated 10,000 girls from Myanmar are recruited (many forcibly) to work in Thai brothels.

To do something about it, check out the World Vision website.

In Memory of ... Vaginas ... and Explosions

I like to read obituaries. I got into it when my first assignment in news reporting was to write obits. I think I like to read them as a way of not forgetting the deceased person existed.

There's something beautifully tragic about reading about a person's life after he/she has died. Did the deceased person know that people admired him/her so? Did the deceased person take time to really appreciate his/her accomplishments? Or was the person too busy trying to fulfill new goals never realizing what he/she had already accomplished?

It's a bit odd to read about someone I never knew and admire his/her accomplishments. I'm always left in awe as I read about their lives. I wonder what my own obituary will say after I die. Will I even have an obituary?

I hope my life reflects love rather than accomplishments. I truly do hope... It's not a very fun read though, but oh well.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I watched Beverly perform in the Vagina Monologues last Saturday. It was... interesting and enlightening.

Quote of the day: I'm counting on you vaginas to look out for other vaginas! - Beverly rebuking Marianne and me after not inviting her to a meeting and blaming it on JJ.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I feel like an empty shell. A torn up left-over empty shell after the bomb has exploded.

32 flavors

Squint your eyes and look closer
I’m not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
And I’m beyond your peripheral vision
So you might want to turn your head
Cause someday you’re going to get hungry
And eat most of the words you just said

My head weighs a gazillion pounds

Sneeze = earthquake in my head. Ouch.

JJ said I could stay home tomorrow. I'm so lame. This will be my second sick day within the first month I've worked here. I would never hire me. I need to work on building up my immune system. Any suggestions?

If I wake up tomorrow and I'm sick, I swear I'm going to kill you.
- my co-worker Marianne

Dick

“I'm the guy who pulled the trigger and shot my friend.”

G.Love

I want to ride around town on a bike or skip in a park listening to "Love" by G.Love and Special Sauce (not because it's Valentine's Day, but because the song simply makes me want to ride a bike or skip). The fact that the next song on the album is "Booty Call" sometimes ruins the mood for me though.

We Just Continue To Drive

And as my mind begins to spread its wings
There's no stopping curiosity

I listened to the Curious George soundtrack (twice) on the way to work today and it made me so happy. I think I was smiling the entire drive. I enjoy all the songs; they make me feel nice, warm and fuzzy inside. My imagination runs wild in vibrant colors. Jack Johnson sings about changing the world, sharing and other happy things. He even has a song about the 3R's!!! (Reduce, Reuse, Recycle of course you silly goose!)

...
maybe you been lookin' too or maybe you don't even need to try
...

Office Space

My stapler hates me. I hate my stapler. I've accepted the terms of our relationship.

I attended a case management meeting today. It was a bit ineffecient and you all know how I feel about inefficient meetings. However, a prison Assistant Warden totally blew me away today. He expressed the need to change prison culture and really encourage the inmates because with positive reinforcement, we can really change lives. He truly loves the inmates so much and has hope in them. Oh man, it was so hard not to cry. I was tearing up like crazy, but I tried my hardest to hold it all in.

It's neat going to these meetings because they're all about thinking outside the box. The point is to think idealistically and really implement only the BEST programs. I love to think idealistically and so many times I feel that I can't express all the crazy stuff I think of because it's all so Utopian. However, these meetings give me a chance to go crazy and express everything. The even crazier thing is that all these idealistic dreams and goals are possible with this program. I'm so jazzed. I am once again so encouraged by the altruistic dedication and hope of these people. I love the philanthropic vibes!

I talked to JJ after the meeting about the ineffectiveness of it. I suggested a few things and now I get to lead a brainstorming session, plus make a powerpoint for the next meeting next week. My two favorite things: brainstorming and powerpoint. Plus, I'm going to get a 3-hole punch. Oh, the simple pleasures of office life. By the way, I love the supply room. It's office supply heaven. I heart office supplies.

i heart my job.

I really do. The people here are fantastic; I feel good about the work I'm doing. I truly just feel so blessed. To begin, my supervisors are so fun. JJ is the public affairs officer for Bonnie (the D.A.) and my main supervisor. He calls me his little sister and takes care of me. I seriously never open a door; it feels odd always walking into places first. I think I like to follow and be behind people. JJ is down-to-earth, cares about people and wants to change the world.

Then, there's Beverly. The banter between JJ and Beverly is pure comedy. Beverly is older, quicker and outspoken. She cracks me up. JJ always it's his job to make sure I don't spend too much time with Beverly because I'll get in trouble. Beverly is probably in her early 50's(?); she has a grandchild. But, she's the most active woman I know. She works out during her lunch break, wants to buy a motorcycle, drives around in a convertible, is performing in the Vagina Monologues, hosts book clubs, wants to get a tattoo and... well, she does a whole bunch of other stuff too. JJ and Beverly are both so fun to work with. They say I have an old soul because I say things like "neat", "oh dear", and "okie dokie". I try to stop myself, but it just slips out.

I'm learning more and more about prison reentry and getting excited about this project. The kick-off date is July 1, so we have lots to do before then. The main point is to reduce recidivism rate. We want to cut the bureaucracy and ineffectiveness of prison systems right now. I often thought it would be neat to change the system from within; I actually have the opportunity to do that now. It's a bit scary at times because of the responsibilities and they're all depending on me to help things along. I'm slowly getting to know people from all different fields: law enforcement, mental health, drug counseling, etc. I met Carmen, a pastor who has a ministry that focuses on women prisoner reentry. She was so charismatic and passionate. Her enthusiasm was contagious and she just loves God so much. Carmen, JJ and I prayed together after our little meeting. It was uber rad.

Overall, I'm having a splendid time. It's difficult waking up in the morning, but it's not that bad since I go to bed so early. I start off my day with a prayer every morning and I think that's what helps me through my day. In my tiredness in the morning, I realize that there's no way I can get through the day unless I'm with God. It's a comforting dependence.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ok, so I was thinking about teleportation again. I mean, how can I not with this crazy commute everyday??? I'm sad to report that I find another drawback to teleportation. No, not the one that involves the fly. I was thinking that if teleportation was possible, more criminals could get away. For example, someone would steal something and then just disappear. There would be no way to trace or track their whereabouts. So yeah, I have to think of a way to deal with this issue.

We're trying to change the world here.

Just Say "No"

Apparently, that doesn't work for most people because of the way our brains are wired. I went to a drug court seminar on psychopharmacology. The doctor was from South Carolina and had this crazy white hair and slight accent. He sort of reminded me of Mark Twain. Anywho, the seminar was quite an eye-opening experience. Drugs are scary.

Did you know...

• that addiction is basically a brain disease and mainly passed down through genetics?
• women are more quickly addicted to something?
• the most addicting drug is caffeine? (It only takes 24 hours for someone to get addicted. Hmmmm.)
• alcohol is a factor in 33% of all rapes and sexual assaults?
• no one ever FULLY recovers?
• smoking doubles the dosage of other drugs; such as, heroin, cocaine, alcohol?
• several of the drugs out there now (i.e. heroin) were introduced into society by the government?
• ecstacy causes permanent brain damage? Those brain cells/receptors are NEVER restored. One can basically end up with insomnia and depression the rest of their lives.
• drugs can leave the body relatively quickly; however, it takes anywhere from 2 to 10 years to leave the brain?

Another interesting tidbit:

• The new transitional age into adulthood is now 28-30. (It used to be 18-20)

So, week 1 is coming to a close. I basically attended a lot of meetings and heard a lot of "good to meet you"s (I think that's a political thing). The people here are absolutely fantastic; I'm quite excited for this year. I'm gradually learning about the reentry project. I am a ginormous sponge soaking everything in.

This week has been so full and I don't exactly know how I feel, but I think this is going to be an interesting year. I'm already learning so much; I heart learning.

By the way, I'm moving to San Diego. I'm 99% sure. I just can't do this go to sleep at 9, wake up at 4:50 madness. I'm not tired really because I'm getting so much sleep, but I need some time to recharge. I feel a bit drained today.

We all have one [a brain]; not everyone engages their's.
- Dr. Robinson (Correctional Counseling)

I should update (?)

Hmmm... I want to update in a well composed narrative, but I'm a bit tired because today was my first day. Therefore, I'm going to update in random bullet points.

• My first day at the D.A.'s office was nice. I shook so many hands. Luckily, my hands weren't too cold today. I'm still feel a bit apprehensive about working for "the man"; I keep reminding myself that the prison reentry program is worth the effort and for the people. Either way, I kept catching myself being quite critical during a meeting today.
• I still sound like a bullfrog.
• Utah: Mormon-land. I met many interesting people at orientation. It's always encouraging to be surrounded by people who are so well-read, well-traveled and uber enthusiastic about saving the world. The goal of Americorps is to eradicate poverty in the States, so it was neat hearing about all the different projects across the country.
  
• My roomie Andrea was amazing. She majored in photography, studied in South Africa for a year and makes little notebooks with scratch paper (just like me!!). So we connected. :) I also made another new friend, Amanda. She's inspiring and absolutely amazing. Her spirituality encouraged me so.
  
• The Sundance Film Festival was going on. I was so lucky. We were going to watch a Korean movie, but it was sold out. Plus, we discovered Slamdance happening on the next street. It's an independent-independent film festival. We watched The Empire of Africa, a documentary about civil war in Sierra Leone. It was traumatic, violent, disturbing and informational. Park City was so quaint and pretty covered in colorful lights and snow. We walked into a couple of small art galleries, then went to a coffee shop and hung out.
• We took a walk the last night and passed by a capoeira studio. We slowed down and peeked inside, the people motioned us to come inside, so we did. They were about to start a samba class and invited us to join. So I learned how to samba in Utah. Plus, we learned a couple of African dances as well. We got to use sticks; it was exciting.
  
• Some stories I can hear over and over again and never get tired; other stories I can't bear to hear one more time because they drain me so.
• I need to start a good book.
  
• I heart Senator Barack Obama.
• I'm going to take a bath.
  

Just curious

I like the sky at dawn and dusk... different shades of blue, grey, orange.

What's your favorite kind of sky?

2 points for Mansoo

Mansoo: How was Minnesota?
Grace: Oh, it was wonderful. I ate sooooo much. I gained 7 pounds in like 5 days.
Mansoo: (pause)
Mansoo: literally?
Grace: (embarrassed) Yes. Literally.

---------------------------------

Mansoo walks into my (Heidi's) room and looks at me in a bewildered way
Mansoo: Your make-up looks weird.
Grace: (confused) Huh? (I just took a shower and washed my face)
Mansoo: Oh, you have bags under your eyes.
Grace: Yeah, I'm tired. Thanks for rubbing it in jerk! Get out of here!

---------------------------------

I'm going to miss the Mansoo episodes...

Back to reality

(that Eminem song is stuck in my head. Quite odd.)

I feel quite refreshed and happy from my Minnesota trip. I'm now at work trying to get back into the groove of things. I received my welcome packet for Americorps. I'm pretty jazzed about going to Utah next week for orientation. ;)

The wedding was the most beautiful wedding I have ever been to. Megs was stunningly beautiful and everything was just perfect. It was a day filled with worship and love. I felt nice, warm and fuzzy inside. After the wedding, a few of Megs' friends took me to the Mall of America. It's ginormous and quite overwhelming. Bridget (one of the bridesmaids, Megs' junior high/high school friend) and I went on a roller-coaster. I was a bit nervous at first, but it ended up being quite fun as we held hands and screamed like little school girls.

I spent a lot of time with Brandon (Meghan's husband) and Meghan's families, especially Meghan's side. It was so fun listening to stories and laughing at jokes. I always wished I was a part of a big family and envied those who had family gatherings; I feel that I had the chance to taste a little bit of it at the O'Neil's. I realized that I do have quite a family here: I have a big brother who teases me all the time and puts up with me, a big sister who will cry with me, a little sister who will also cry with me, a little brother who leaves me little happy notes on my car... wow, the list could go on for quite a while. The main point: I am blessed and my life is quite filled with love, overflowing even. So I thank you.

-----------------------------
I discovered something quite disturbing. Megs explained the origin of the unity candle to me and it made me so sad.

So, according to Wikipedia:
Though commonly attributed to the Christian faith, it [the unity candle] is not Christian and is in fact prohibited in many churches. It's origin is fairly recent (between 2 - 3 decades) and is non-denominational. Some sources date it back to the wedding of Luke and Laura on the soap opera "General Hospital."

I'm falling in love

I'm falling in love with MinnesoOOota. And man, those "o"s... so fun. The girls sound so cute with their accents and every time I hear someone say a word with an "o", I smile and wish they would say it over and over again.

I'm falling in love with the O'Neil family. They exude such warmth and love. I've never felt so comfortable at a place not my own.

I'm almost falling in love with the idea of love and marriage. It's interesting that right before I came here, I realized that my view of marriage is quite negative and based on circumstances in my life rather than the Bible. It's been refreshing and encouraging to see how Megs and Brandon have worked out their relationship.

I'm falling in love with snow. It's not as cold as I expected, but snow is everywhere and it makes everything look sparkling and beautiful. The O'Neils' backyard is ginormous; they basically have a forest. The ground is covered in snow and glitters as the sun's rays bounce right off in every way direction. This morning, I sat on the couch and just daydreamed as I stared at the the countless skinny, tall trees. I like skinny, tall trees, especially when they have no leaves. The uber thin branches look pencil-drawn in the sky.

Great Disappointment

I have been bent and broken, but - I hope - into a better shape.

I finally finished Great Expectations a couple of days ago. I wasn't so impressed. I think Dickens got tired of writing towards the end. Who can blame him?

I really don't like Pip; he's such a tool. And that Estella... good grief.

Now, I can start a new book. Yay! I just started downloading audio books and poems. It's amazing; I can listen to books or poems on my ipod. The thought tickles me and now I can't wait for my flight next week. Although, I think I'll miss the actual act of reading, underlining, writing in the margins, etc. Well, we'll see how I like the first book: The Picture of Dorian Gray. By the way, dont you think Cameron Crowe kind of looks like Oscar Wilde?

Hiccough

When I suddenly get cold, I get the hiccups. My mama is like that too. She tells me her mama was like that too. Although it's annoying when the hiccups attack, I find it kind of neat that I share a similarity with my grandmother. She passed away before my mama got married. I wish I could have known her and my grandfather. My mama was really close to her father and speaks very highly of him.

According to Wikipedia:
The world record for the longest continuous bout of hiccups goes to Charles Osborne (1894–1991) from Anthon, Iowa. The hiccups started in 1922 at a rate of 40 times per minute, slowing to 20 and eventually stopping in February 1990 – a total of 68 years.

I guess I shouldn't get so annoyed when my hiccups last over a minute.

FREE GRACE!

That's my theme/goal for 2006. I want to be free from stress.
My verse: Philippians 4:6-7
Be anxious about nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I will wake up every morning, make a conscious decision not to be stressed and simply take one day at a time. I don't think I truly realized what a hold Satan has on my life through stress. I want to live a life of thanksgiving and utterly depend on God everyday, every moment.

It's time to free Grace.

I'll take my broken wings and learn to fly.

My friend

Me: You've called me a dork like 5 times in this short conversation. Thanks friend
Dan: No problem, Dork.

I thought it was interesting that he capitalized the 'D' in dork. Not only am I dork, I'm a capital-D dork. Hmmm.

------------------------------
Take a moment to stop.
and look around to notice the trees and sky. The sky has been amazingly captivating these days.

So I was thinking . . .

It irks me when people consider injustice and poverty as subordinate issues or issues that only liberals care about. Contrary to people's assumptions, I truly would not consider myself uber liberal (well, maybe when it comes to the environment). However, certain people seem to assume that I'm a liberal - contaminated by the media and socialist propaganda - because I fervently oppose injustice and become saddened by poverty. So be it. Honestly, I probably do lean a little more to the left.

Why/how did such issues get polluted and politicized by society? It is perfectly reasonable and humane to feel empathy for those who are ostracized, oppressed, raped, abused. It is absolutely illogical and barbaric to ignore or feel nothing when seeing or hearing of such atrocities happening to our brothers and sisters of the human race.

Benevolence is growing extinct. Humanity is a dying race.

How can we not care? The state of humanity ought to be the concern of all people simply because we are all human.

Excites Me

This song excites me:

Fast as you can

I let the beast in too soon, I don't know how to live
Without my hand on his throat; I fight him always and still
Oh darling, it's so sweet, you think you know how crazy
How crazy I am
You say you don't spook easy, you won't go, but I know
And I pray that you will
Fast as you can, baby runfree yourself of me
Fast as you can
I may be soft in your palm but I'll soon grow
Hungry for a fight, and I will not let you win
My pretty mouth will frame the phrases that will
Disprove your faith in man
So if you catch me trying to find my way into your
Heart from under your skin
Fast as you can, baby scratch me out, free yourself
Fast as you can
Fast as you can, baby scratch me out, free yourself
Fast as you can
Sometimes my mind don't shake and shift
But most of the time, it does
And I get to the place where I'm begging for a lift
Or I'll drown in the wonders and the was
And I'll be your girl, if you say it's a gift
And you give me some more of your drugs
Yeah, I'll be your pet, if you just tell me it's a gift
'Cause I'm tired of whys, choking on whys,
Just need a little because, because
I let the beast in and then;
I even tried forgiving him, but it's too soon
So I'll fight again, again, again, again, again.
And for a little while more, I'll soar the
Uneven wind, complain and blame
The sterile land
But if you're getting any bright ideas, quiet dear
I'm blooming within
Fast as you can, baby wait watch me, I'll be out
Fast as I can, maybe late but at least about
Fast as you can leave me, let this thing
Run its route
Fast as you can

A Charlie Brown Life

Charlie Brown keeps repeating "Happy Valentine's Day, Happy Valentine's Day, Happy Valentine's Day..." to say to the little-red-haired-girl, his crush. He finally gathers enough courage, walks up to her and says, "Merry Christmas."

My mama cracks up when she thinks about that one. She enjoys the Peanuts comic strip. She's been mentioning Charlie Brown more frequently these days. She says that everyone has a little Charlie Brown in them and we all don't succeed at times. Mama says it's all about the little victories and learning to laugh amidst the seemingly failures. It amazes me how she doesn't really seem to see anything as a failure. She patiently waits and hopes and waits again.

"Be loving to him. Because he's only a little boat looking for a harbor."

She loves Charlie Brown.

A Twist

it's all so awkwardly comfortable and pleasant

Bitter Bug Bit

but the warm hug made me smile. thanks. :)

Wow.. two nights in a row. I'm a blessed girl.

"Everything was unchanged..."

"I hope you want nothing? You'll get nothing." That Miss Havisham.

I'm reading Great Expectations right now. Dickens frustrates me at times because I find him excessively wordy at times, but I must admit that he's an impressive storyteller.

My question to you: Why does Pip love Estella and not Biddy? What is it about Estealla's beauty, coldness and cruelty that attracts Pip? I like Biddy.

Everything Changed

I booked my flight to Minnesota for Megs' wedding. I leave the 10th of January and return on the 15th. I hope it's not too cold. Megs asked me to read a bible verse/passage at her wedding. I'm a bit nervous; I don't think I'm very good at reading under pressure in front of people.

I think it's going to rain today. This makes me smile. This week was such a blur and I'm not sure whether it was good or bad; it just was. I thought about expectations this week. I have realized that the less I expect anything of people, the more I will be pleasantly surprised. The only problem is that deep down inside, I can't help but expect a little. What do I expect? I don't quite know; I don't know it until I don't get what I expect. I get over the initial sadness and hint of disappointment, but I still don't like it. Therefore, to rid myself of such unpleasant feelings, I will try to no longer expect. It's quite liberating. My only aim: love people. Reciprocity is dead to me now; it's ridiculous to expect and I don't want to be ridiculous. I simply want to love, love, love (and listen to Air's Alone in Kyoto all day long. The song mesmerizes me and I can imagine so many different scenarios that seem to suit the mystery of the song. It's the soundtrack for my daydreaming).

Magic drifted through the air
touching everybody there
You came into my life so small
altering everything changed

Word Stew

I like the smell of fall. Sure, we don't REALLY have autumn in California, but it does get a little colder. The air and aura of fall confuses me. It's crisp, yet warm.

The Choi family is having Thanksgiving dinner tonight so I'll be having my third thanksgiving meal this week. It feels a bit odd not to have Thanksgiving dinner at Mon's everyday this week like the past years. Thanksgiving is a week-long-feasting-holiday at the Morales home.

This week, Mama Morales declared Monday as Thanksgiving so that the left-overs would only stay in the fridge for about four days, so she could free up space for all the food to come on Friday (Papa and Mama Morales' 25th wedding anniversary - renewal of vows). Now, there's a woman who plans. The holidays work around her schedule. I heart Mama Morales.

We studied materialism last Friday for small group. I couldn't stay until the end, so I'm not sure if I really experienced the fullness of that lesson; however, it's been an enlightening week. I can regulate my spending by sticking to my budget, but I realized that I think or worry about money a lot. So, I've been trying to catch myself and meditate on Philippians 4:6-7.

Well, going along with materialism... here are some things on my "to get" list:

• contact solution: I've been using Mansoo's
• knitting needles: I can't seem to find them. I know I packed them when I came back from London, but now they are nowhere to be found. I really liked them. I used them so much last year; we bonded. I'm going to look one last time. I don't want to just abandon my old ones; they felt so comfortable.
• nail polish remover (?): I let Miae paint my nails, but they're pink. Barbie pink. :/ Plus, she drew little flowers and put a little sparkly thing in the middle. I feel so ... pink.
  

I certainly haven't been shoping for any new shoes
And I certainly haven't been spreading myself around
I still only travel by foot and by foot it's a slow climb
But I'm good at being uncomfortable so I can't stop changing all the time

Mr. Simon's

I went to the Norton Simon Museum last Saturday. I was so happy. Art makes me happy. I feel so refreshed after spending a pleasant time at an art museum. It was nice to see 'The Mulberry Tree'; I haven't seen it in years. It was such a delight to revisit paintings and sculptures, like meeting an old friend after quite a while has passed by, yet I've changed and the works remain the same. As I stood in front of paintings and sculptures I saw years ago, the feelings and thoughts of that time flooded my mind. However, the flood of nostalgia was abruptly met by my current state of emotions and thoughts.

It was a beautiful collision.

Rhythm Don't Mean Nothing

It's a perfect day to play at a park or lake (or both).

I'm sitting here in the office daydreaming as I stare at the trees outside. The leaves are dancing. I think of Michael and Keisuke's "jellyfish" dance. I giggle.

Facts on World Hunger and Poverty

thanks to Anthony (one of my tutor students) for emailing me the WHY (World Hunger Year) article because "Grace teacher likes this kind of stuff".

• Approximately 5 billion people live in the developing world. This world is made up of about 125 low and middle-income countries in which people generally have a lower standard of living with access to fewer goods and services than people in high-income countries.
• Economically, the constant securing of food consumes valuable time and energy of poor people, allowing less time for work and earning income.
• 852 million people across the world are hungry, up from 842 million a year ago.
• The combined wealth of the world’s richest people hit $1 trillion in 1999; the combined incomes of the 582 million people living in the 43 least developed countries is $146 billion.
• Today, across the world, 1.3 billion people live on less than one dollar a day; 3 billion live on under two dollars a day; 1.3 billion have no access to to clean water; 3 billion have no access to sanitation; 2 billion have no access to electricity.
• Counting near-poor families (below twice the poverty line), nearly 8 million low- income children lived in households that experienced hunger or severely crowded conditions, or that had their phone or utilities shut off.
• Effective debt relief to the 20 poorest countries would cost $5.5 billion- equivalent to the cost of building EuroDisney.
• Providing universal access to basic social services and transfers to alleviate income poverty would cost $80 billion, less than the net worth of the seven richest men in the world.

"They will not hunger or thirst,
Nor will the scorching heat or sun strike them down;
For He who has compassion on them will lead them
And will guide them to springs of water."
- Isaiah 49:10

May your will be done.

Stressless

I'm consciously making a decision not to be so stressed. I realized that I've become so uncomfortably cozy in my perpetual state of stress. I'm letting go.

It's nice. wait, mice. ;)

I went to a paint store with Mansoo's dad yesterday. I liked looking at all the colors; it was quite soothing. I especially enjoyed the yellow tones because the names were so fun: dandelion, broom handle, yolk.

One of my tutor students thought the "lo" in "lo and behold" meant "laugh out". I was speechless.

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
- Phillippians 4:6-7

i am grateful for...

^-^

Dear Jazzed,

I live to make your day.

Love,
Museum Buddy

Surely Outta Control

Shirley, the wild one. I never knew such a rambunctious fifth-grader.

Me: Shirley, why are you so crazy?
Shirley: What?! (laughs hysterically) What are you talking about? Well, you know what?
Me: What?
Shirley: My parents were gonna send me to navy camp in the summer. (starts laughing)
Me: What?! Navy camp?
Shirley: Yeah for the summer
Me: Like a disciplinary place?
Shirley: Huh? It was navy camp. But, they couldn't send me 'cause there were only boys allowed.
Me: Mmmm.

Wimp!

Eric (one of my tutor students, of course) is a sweetheart. He gave me Snickers from his trick-or-treat bag after asking me what my favorite candy was. I definitely struggle with him and my patience is tested every time we tutor, but we have those golden moments. He exudes warmth.

I learned today that his eating habits are peculiar. For example, he likes to eat a PB & J sandwhich with string cheese melted on top. I went to his house a little early today and saw him making a sandwhich (I thought it was one of his special PB & Js), but I saw a tub of sour cream on the table.

Me: What's the sour cream for?
Eric: I spread it on the bread.
Me: What?! Is that good?
Eric: Yeah! It's so good!
Me: That's weird.
Eric: No, it's so good. You have to try it. Do you want me to make you one?
Me: Uhhh.. no thanks. I'm not brave.
Eric: Wimp!
Me: (laughing) Yeah
Eric: Wimp!
Me: Yeah, I am.
Eric: Really? 'Cause it's ok if you are.

Thanks Eric.

Within the past two days, I've been called weird, crazy and a wimp by my tutor students. Hmm.

A Couple of Minutes

Tired, I am.

Thoughts and moments of the day:

How do airplanes fly and stay up in the air? It truly amazes me. Yes, I remember learning about the differences in air pressure above and below the wing. Still... it baffles me. I thought about this for a couple of minutes as I was driving.

My ipod died on me today at the office. I was crushed. Music saves me at work (thanks again for the cd; i like). I stared at my ipod for a couple of minutes. I probably had a lost look on my face. Luckily, I only had 30 minutes left of work.

I wish I could sleep for a couple of minutes.

It's just crazy to work/tutor straight from 8-9; then 10-11. I wonder when I'm going to crash.

Anthony (my tutor student today from 5:10-6:40): Grace Teacher, I think you should go to sleep after you're done tutoring me.
Me: Oh Anthony, I have to tutor your sister and another student after.
Anthony: But you look so tired. You're sooooo tired.
Me: No, I'm not! I'm not tired.
Anthony: But you're acting weird, like you're crazy.
Me: (Hmmmmm)

Shirley (Anthony's crazy younger sister) had to write sentences for a few of her vocabulary words from a story about Japanese internment during WWII.
- Interned: To confine, especially in wartime.
Shirley: (excitedly) OoooOOooOh, I have a great sentence.
Me: (equally excited 'cause I'm a geek) Oh yeah? Neat. I can't wait to read it.
Shirley types and starts laughing hysterically.
GRACE WAS INTERNED DURING THE WAR.
Me: (speechless)

Anthony and Shirley's mom made me drink this "healthy" drink. I had to plug my nose as I drank it. I tried to convince Anthony to drink it for me, but he wouldn't. I could still taste it a couple of minutes later.

I had the chance to read a lot of Pascal's Pensees today. I wish we could be friends.

Hmm... photo exhibit.

I'm going to close my eyes for a couple of minutes.

Mansoo Episode #160

Mansoo has two tests tomorrow (well 3 including his taekwondo test, but I don't have to worry about that). We're studying for his English test where he has to memorize Latin root prefixes and terms. We go through the words and try to think of easier words that are associated with the word to help him memorize.

G: Ok, next word, diffident. Hmmm.
(pause, both of us thinking)

M: It reminds me of a Korean ah-jum-mah (woman) trying to say 'different'.

(after a while... Mansoo loses focus, as always)
G: Mansoo!!! Focus!!! Mansoo!!! Focus!!! We only have four cards left. Come on!
M: You mean four-cus?

This kid cracks me up.

Fried Jello

(thanks for the title Johny)

That's how I feel... fried jello. I've been feeling physically drained, yet spiritually filled. I like (well, not the tired part, but yeah).

Some random thoughts of the day, at least the ones I still remember:

• I wish I could be teleported to places.
  
• I wonder what the longest word is. (pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis)
• God's grace rocks my world.
  
• I like hope.
  
• God places amazing people in my life. I love.
• I want to love more...
  
• He's the little ship that cannot find its harbor. He had the wrong dreams. Oh, the illusion of success.
• I'm tired. Maybe I should get back on coffee. I remember when I had so much energy throughout the day.
• My students make me smile. Today, I helped Eric with his foods project. It was really fun and it was so cute how he was so proud of his mango-cheese quesadilla.
• I want to close my eyes.
  

Sunny Day

It's sunny, yet cool. I like it.

Happy birthday Keisuke. :)

Amalgamated

A couple of my close friends are getting married within a year. I've heard of a few other people from high school and D.C. getting engaged as well. It's wild. It makes me feel... I don't know. Hopefully, I'll be able to book a flight this week to Minnesooota for Megs' wedding. Oh my gash. It's going to be so cold (in January). Hmm.. then, maybe Korea for a wedding in June. Wow, traveling for weddings... I miss traveling. I've been home for about 5 months now and I'm just itching to go somewhere. Now, I guess I have a reason to travel: weddings. Wow.

Random statistic of the day: Mansoo's mom told me today that in America, the ratio of guys to girls is 1:8. She said I need to hurry up and snatch a guy as soon as possible 'cause the numbers are not in my favor. I didn't even know how to respond.

Beautiful Child

I listened to Rufus Wainwright last week. A lot. Obsessively. I think it helped me sink deeper into my weird mood. Some repressed thoughts and feelings floated to the surface of my soul.

I'm trying to move on now and listen to some happy music. I don't have much happy music. Oh well, at least it rained today. Rain makes me happy.

I'm also trying not to over-think this week; not sleeping was a bad thing last week.

Goals for this week:

1. Go to sleep early (without sleeping pills, ok Paul?). Get at least 6 hours of sleep every night.
2. Finish Isaiah (finally).
3. Catch up on my studying plan.
4. Pray about the things/people on my mind.
5. Make a tentative schedule for the high school cabinet retreat.
6. Make a list of things to talk about for high school small group this Friday.
7. Put all my London photos in an album.
8. Make a trip to an art museum or the beach.

Oh no... here I go, planning away my life. (Sorry Keisuke, I can't help it.)

When I am older than these small goddamned hills
And there's no reason for my mind to be still

Oh, how I'll feel like a beautiful child
Such a beautiful child again

When I have finally found my room filled with toys
Be banging on my crib excited by noise

Oh, how I'll feel like a beautiful child
Such a beautiufl child again

And when there's nothing to gain
Or bring me pain or pin the blame
On you or myself

And when they finally fall
These wailing walls and burdened crosses
God's twilights and all

How I'll feel like a beautiful child
Such a beautiful child again

A Bit of Clarity

A friend of mine from high school, actually elementary school, IMed me last night. Matt Robison. He's been my friend since the fourth grade. He wore a campaign sign for me when I ran for treasurer in the fifth grade; my mom basically loved him ever since then. Matteo was and is a brilliant writer. I remember reading his writing in the fourth grade and being blown away. It's funny to think about our friendship because we're so different. He started a punk band when I joined student council. That's just the beginning of our differences. Yet, we always adored one another. Now, he's in New York after graduating from UC Santa Cruz, working at a bookstore, applying for an internship at Harper's. He wants to work in publishing. He's going to try to go to NYU to get his master's in creative writing. It's absolutely perfect for him.

This week has been such a blur, partly because of lack of sleep and partly because I've been in a peculiar mood and probably mainly because I've been listening to weird music. I've been an errant leaf easily swayed by the breeze of thoughts.

Today is much better though. First, I slept well last night. Second, I am quite encouraged by the Word. I'm still reading Isaiah and whenever I read hopeful passages about the future and heaven, I can't help but think of Africa and get uber happy.

• They will not hunger or thirst, Nor will the scorching heat or sun strike them down; For He who has compassion on them will lead them and will guide them to springs of water.
• Isaiah 49:10
  

I imagine the beautiful people of Africa not hungry or thirsty. They are smiling and their white teeth that shines through their dark skin is blinding. All I see are smiles - a sea of smiles.

Lullaby For A Stormy Night

For you know, once even I
Was a little child
And I was afraid
But a gentle someone always came
To dry all my tears
Trade sweet sleep the fears
And to give a kiss goodnight

Well, now I am grown
And these days have shown
Rain's a part of how life goes
But it's dark and it's late
So I'll hold you and wait
'til your frightened eyes do close

And I hope that you'll know
That nature is so
This same rain that draws you near me
Falls on rivers and land
And forests and sand
Makes the beautiful world that you see
In the morning

Everything's fine in the morning
The rain will be gone in the morning
But I'll still be here in the morning

An Imperfect Day

Waking up after four hours of sleep is normally not that bad (minus the headache).

Waking up every hour during those four hours of sleep is unpleasant.

Finally falling asleep when Mansoo is waking up to go to school is ridiculous.

I feel a bit crazed, nonsensical and unglued. This is a perfect day for me to be a hermit and not interact with people.

Today will be an imperfect day.

Let There Be Love

Who kicked a hole in the sky so the heavens would cry over me?
Who stole the soul from the sun in a world come undone at the seams?
Let there be love - Let there be love
I hope the weather is calm as you sail up your heavenly stream
Suspended clear in the sky are the words that we sing in our dreams
Let there be love - Let there be love - Let there be love - Let there be love

Come on baby blue
Shake up your tired eyes
The world is waiting for you
May all your dreaming fill the empty sky

But if it makes you happy
Keep on clapping
Just remember I'll be by your side
And if you only go, it's gonna pass you by

Laptop

is fixed. Yay! Thanks Dan. Thanks for thse cleverly chosen bookmarked pages as well. ;) I smile.

Oh Sami

I just got back from my date with Sami. She's so cute and nice. We talked about how we're doing spiritually, favorite movies, music, where we would go if we could go anywhere in the world, etc. I like Sami. She's so lovable. We also discussed our love for art; that was an uber fun conversation. One of Sami's favorite artists, Edward Hopper, is the one who actually sparked my interest in art. I was in the fourth grade and I saw "Nighthawks" by Hopper. I found the painting mysterious and intriguing. Sami finds the painting alluring. It was neat to talk about art. We were both so giddy.

We had a really nice talk

I woke up a little later than I wanted to. I was up a bit late last night talking to Crystal. I just sait in front of her after I got my cup of water. That girl can eat so late at night and not gain a single pound. It amazes me. We had a really nice talk.

My date with Susan today was quite nice. We talked about how it's so sad to see the younger girls dressing so scandalous and obsessed with sex. We also discussed how kids don't really play outside anymore. Kids show off their new gameboys and skirts; she used to show off scars she got from falling while playing. We had a really nice talk.

I told off some 9th grade boy today. I walked into the room and saw an IM to Mansoo from a fellow named Randy. He was asking Mansoo for his homework. I told Mansoo to say "no" and he wanted to, but didn't know how. I got on the computer and being the psycho tutor that I am, I told him that he should do his own work. He didn't believe that I was the tutor at first, but I think he began to believe me when I started giving him suggestions on how he can manage his time better to improve his studying habits. We had a really nice talk.

Mansoo moment of the day: Mansoo whistling-harmonizing to the microwave "beep". This kid cracks me up.

Mansoo episode #158; #159

Episode #158
Mansoo's dad wanted to talk to Mansoo after taekwondo. I was a bit nervous because I thought Mansoo was getting in trouble for something. Wait, why am I nervous about that? Anywho, then I hear Mansoo listing off the grades he's been getting on tests.

"A"
"A+"
"A"...
(Out of 12 tests, he got 10 A's. Yesssss.)

Then, the two. Ouch. Two C's on tests. Oh no, am I in trouble? Then, Mansoo walks back towards the room.

Me: (whispering) Did you get in trouble?
Mansoo: No, my dad wants to give me a little gift for every 100% I got. (grins in such a big, cute way)

I'm so happy that he's so confident with his schoolwork these days.

I like Mansoo's dad. He's nice. I think he's so happy that Mansoo's doing better in school.

Episode #159
Mansoo has a test this Friday about the American Revolution, Enlightenment thinkers/philosphers, etc. He's been studying all this for about a week already.

Then, today, he asks, "What's the American Revolution?"
I give him a look.

Furthermore, Mansoo keeps singing patriotic songs and now they're all stuck in my head. Argh. Why me?!

Mansoo quote of the day: "I want to redo my life."

Wow

Wow, where to even begin. WoW. What a weekend. I had a bit of a draining week, so I was already tired for the weekend. However, my weekend proved to be most rejuvenating and wonderful. (beware: this is a long entry; I'll be impressed by those who read it all. wow)

Teacher Retreat
was wow. Kim MSN rocked my world with Ezekiel. I learned that I will be held responsible for my girls. I basically feel more confident rebuking the girls and letting them know when I think they're doing something they shouldn't be doing. On Saturday, we heard a sermon from Erwin McManus. He spoke about one's wholeness. This part resonated with me because an ongoing joke-mostly-truth comment from my closest friends is that I'm always trying to fix people. He said that people who have been loved know how to love and people who love know how to be loved. The more one has been forgived, the more one can love. Therefore, we need to continuously live a life of gratitude. I truly felt that way on the way to Fullerton today.

I was just thinking and meditating on the love passage; I felt grateful that God is love. The teacher retreat encouraged me to persistently strive to shape my character to be more like Jesus. God offers us his character; we were made in His image. How crazy is that?! God's grace. Every time I fixate all my thoughts and emotions on God's grace, I am left in awe. All the walls I build around myself come down, each layer of my self comes off and I am left completely bare... down to the core. And in this moment, nothing matters except that I am God's daughter and I am overwhelmed by a sense of gratitude. It fills me, overflows out of me.

Ok, back to the update...

Sunday
The high school teachers were late to service. I felt bad for that. But, we were late because we were praying. It was nice. I don't think I've ever really prayed like that before with the high school teachers. Bible study went well. I told/warned them about what I learned at the Teacher Retreat, that I was going to do anything/everything to make sure they are becoming more like Jesus. They were sort of scared, but they said they felt that it was a good thing. It's also a way to keep me accountable as well; I can't necessarily rebuke them if I'm not living a Jesus-centered life.

We're going through the Old Testament right now. Sunday's bible study was about Exodus, covenants and the commandments. We learned that obeying God is a way for us to express our love towards him. We went through the Ten Commandments and further discussed the ones we need to work on. We each made a commitment to obey God in a specific way this week: a couple of girls want to honor their parents more, be patient with siblings, one wants to spend more time with God. I thought about the first commandment: have no other gods before God. I analyzed how I spend my time. I realized that I've been spending a lot of time with the ipod; therefore...

I'm fasting my ipod this week. Right after I hesitantly said this, Eric (who happened to be sitting nearby, overheard what I said) looked over, gave me a bewildered look and exclaimed, "Are you crazy?!"

This turned out to be a good thing Sunday night though. I think ever since I got the ipod, my mommy and I didn't talk that much during car drives anymore. But on Sunday, we had a wonderful talk on the way home. We discussed what we've been learning, where we're reading the Bible and our futures. The last topic was perhaps the most exciting for me. As far back as I can remember, we always only discussed my future. But it was so rad to discuss my mommy's future. My mommy has had a spiritual awakening the past few months, so it's just really neat to see how she's growing and changing spiritually. She really feels like she needs to go out into the world and live for Christ, sharing the gospel. So we discussed some possible options for her. (I suppose I can share more about this with those who really want to know. Just ask me.)

I'm excited for this week. I have lunch dates with three of my girls this week. It's awesome having seniors; they all get out of school at 12:30. My first date is with Susan tomorrow. :)

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

The Long Day Is Over

*Whew.

Today was a bit tiring. I woke up and went to L.A. with John MSN for his radio show taping. Why does he always make me drive? Never again. Mansoo's mom and dad said that truly smart people know how to say "no". I'm a babo (which means dumb).

After L.A., I tutored from 3 to well, now - 10:20 p.m. I had an hour break between 7 and 8 to eat dinner. I enjoy tutoring. I really do. But today, right now, at this moment, I am tired. Oh! But I had a really nice tutoring time with Eric and William. They're brothers (who have two older brothers). We study at this huge, really nice dining table. I usually sit across from them because that's where the mom placed me the first day. I've been leaning across the ginormous table to try to help them or see their textbooks. It finally dawned on me today, 'why don't I just sit next to them?', so I did. It made such a difference. I felt much closer to them and am definitely falling in love with them. I start tutoring them everyday starting next week; I like working with Eric because he tests my patience. He doesn't do it on purpose, at least I don't think.

I started reading Blaise Pascal's Pensees. He rocks my world. I heart him.

I also started reading The Poisionwood Bible. I'm thoroughly enjoying it. The book is about an evangelical Baptist, his wife and four daughters as they go to the Congo as missionaries. Each chapter is told from the perspective of one of the daughters. I identify most with Adah. She's hemiplegic and doesn't speak. But, she is quite the thinker and writer. I love the way she describes things. I especially like her appreciation for palindromes ("with their perfect, satisfying taste: Draw a level award!"); it cracks me up.

"I am a perfect palindrome. Damn mad!"

Hmm... what else did I want to blog about...

I overheard Mansoo's dad talking to Heidi on the phone. He sounded so happy. It was cute.

I miss my daddy.

With no reprise
The sun will rise
The long day is over

Words

I like to look up words I don't know. I also like making my tutor students look up words they don't know. I find it hilarious how some of the students have to sing through the alphabet song to figure out where to look in the dictionary.

As I was looking up 'strange' and 'weird' because of Heidi's post asking which is worse, I got sidetracked. I remembered a conversation with Dan and Johny. We were discussing the differences between 'geek', 'nerd' and 'dork'. Dan said he was a geek. They called me a nerd. Johny said people call him a dork. Then they said that the meaning of 'geek' was a guy who eats a chicken's head. So, I decided to look it up. Good 'ol dependable Merriam-Webster.

* geek: 1 : a carnival performer often billed as a wild man whose act usually includes biting the head off a live chicken or snake 2 : a person often of an intellectual bent who is disapproved of
* nerd: : an unstylish, unattractive, or socially inept person; especially : one slavishly devoted to intellectual or academic pursuits
Did you know that the word 'nerd' probably comes from a Dr. Seuss book? I thought that was fascinating.
* dork: slang : nerd; also: jerk

I don't think Johny is a dork.
Dan may be a geek. Who knows? He might have a secret-double-carnival life.

Now, this may be just me being odd, but I like to click on the button that gives the pronunciation of a word. Certain words just sound funny to me. For example, the word, 'bloke'. I remember when I first looked up the word in London and I just kept hearing it over and over again because I thought it was funny. Hmm, maybe I shouldn't have shared that. Oh well.

Finally Finished

with Anna Karenina.

I really liked it. I might have liked the ending a little more if my mommy didn't ruin the ending for me. She always does that. argh.

Me: So yeah, I'm almost done with the book.
Mommy: Did (the ending) happen yet?
Me: What?! Uhma!!!!!! You ALWAYS do that!!! Why???
Mommy: (starts laughing)
Me: (I try to stay upset) Uhma~! (end up exploding in laughter)

We both laugh.

I had a nice weekend at home-home. My mommy, her friend and I went to a bunch of antique stores Saturday morning. They both crack me up. They kept picking things up and telling stories about how they used all these things. My mommy is now on the hunt for "antiques" in our home. I think I encouraged her to not throw anything away. My mission in my family is to make my dad and mommy throw things away. So, mission: failed (miserably). They keep everything.

Often times, I secretly throw a bunch of things away when they're both not home. It's a little harder to throw my dad's things away because he remembers everything. He looks for things that we threw away years ago. How does he remember these things? My mommy is always scared to throw his things away, but I just do it anyway. So, 5 years after I threw away one of his old ties or decided to use it as a belt, he asked me, "Hey, where's that tie?" I simply shrugged.

I wish

it was raining.

The sun is shining bright, but the air is cool. It's refreshingly warm.

But, I still prefer rain.

Party in the Sky

We're all invited. :)

I like rain. It makes me feel ... happy, sad, contemplative, refreshed, relaxed, comforted, alone and grey all at once.

Lightning is exciting. I wish I wouldn't gasp so loud everytime I see lightning strike, but I can't help it.

Thunder frightens me. When I hear thunder, I am consumed by the yucky feeling I experience when someone is yelling at me or upset with me. Ack.

Back to rain. *sigh*

Oh! I should listen to The Carpenters' Rainy Days and Mondays! That used to be my ..wait, it still might be.. my favorite Carpenters' song. Can you imagine a fourth-grade me looking out my window in Lake Elsinore listening to this song every time it would rain on a Monday? Oh, that window. I did daydream quite a bit looking out that window. How I desired to not be a small-town girl. A cliche, I know.

But I think deep down inside, I am a small-town girl and always will be.
I have learned to embrace the girl.

I could listen to rain all day.

Boring/Bored

I was sitting on Mansoo's bed waiting for him to finish his homework. He has three tests tomorrow that we need to study for.

Mansoo: Are you boring?
Me: No, you're boring. I'm bored.
Mansoo: What? You can't say that to me.
Me: Yes, I can.

Me Pregnant?!

Mansoo's mom cracks me up. We just chatted for about an hour as she was preparing for her feast tonight.

Mansoo's mom: You don't eat enough.
Me: Yes, I do.
Mansoo's mom: No, you don't. You should eat more. Otherwise, when you get pregnant, you won't be healthy enough. And later on in your life, your bones will start hurting.
Me: What?! Pregnant?!
Mansoo's mom: (laughs) I mean later later on after you're married. But you have to first find a boyfriend. Why don't you have a boyfriend?
(This is a recurring conversation topic: about every... 2 months or so, the "why don't you have a boyfriend?" question pops into any conversation)
Me: (just smiles and stays silent)
Mansoo's mom: Go be a girl and drop some wallets... trip and fall or something in front of a guy!
Me: (explodes in laughter) I have to fall, even?!
Mansoo's mom: Yes! Don't you watch Korean dramas?
(We laugh... this is my perfect opportunity to change the topic.)
Me: You know the tea cups you have up there in the cupboard. The ones on the very top on the very right? Where did you get them? (I've been meaning to ask. I'm a sucker for pretty cups)
Mansoo's mom: Oh, those. I think I got them at TJ Maxx.
Me: Really?! Wow, they seem so European.
Mansoo's mom: When you get married, I'll give them to you as a wedding present. (giddily smiles)

***
Mansoo's mom: 124
Grace: 0

I want to be

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails...

Blessed

The retreat was ... neat. It seemed a bit more tiring than other EM retreats because of the packed schedule and I was feeling a bit under the weather. However, I feel that everything about the retreat worked quite perfectly.

I think I've pretty much shared with most everyone (including my tutor students today) what I learned at the retreat, but I shall share again for... well, Charlotte because she's far away. The main thing I learned was that I need to just make a plan and go for it. So many times, I'm affected and bogged down by people's expectations of me. I realized I just need to let go of all that, do my best in what's before me now (tutoring) and go on with my plan for the future. If it's not God's will, it won't happen. Overall, I feel at peace and delighted about what is to come. I was also reminded of the fact that I need to constantly be pursuing holiness by practicing spiritual disciplines. The main lesson for me was: live a holy life.

Some of the highlights from the retreat:

• Happy Hour with Sharon and Debbie. I heart them.
• Sleeping next to Hyojungee and talking about how we're doing these days. It was really an encouraging time. Thanks Dee.
• Times of prayer.
• Pray Around the World: it was long, but I thought it was necessary and good.
• Morning Q.T./journaling time
• I saw my first shooting star!!! I can still imagine it in my mind. I was so excited I didn't even get to make a wish. Oh well...

I can't seem to think so clearly right now because my head feels a bit full of snot (?). Oh, but even me being sick during the retreat, I think it was a good thing because it forced me to REALLY focus during the sermons. Otherwise, I think I would have thought about other things because my thoughts have a way of going berserk and weaving this web of random thoughts. However, since I was sick, I kept telling myself to focus on the sermon so I wouldn't focus on my headache or throat.

Anywho, it was a blessed time. I don't think I truly related everything clearly because I'm finding it difficult to concentrate at this time, but I wanted to blog before I forgot anything. So maybe later, I shall go into better detail and not make grammatical or spelling errors. I apologize for all you grammatical/spelling OCD-ers - I'm not going to proof-read. Oh, maybe I should... Hmmm... no. I'm going to read instead.

Nannyness

(thanks Michael for the title)

Some random thoughts of mine at 2 in the morning:

• The Constant Gardener: It reminded me a lot of South Africa. I was sad for a while, but now I'm trying to focus on the hope and love I saw and experienced there. I need to pray for Africa more. It breaks my heart so... how sad God must be... Hopefully, prayers will soothe.
• It's very uncomfortable to talk on the phone AND type at the same time. argh.
  
• I wish I was in 1963 flowers in my hair, little bitty hearts upon my cheek
• I want to play ping pong.
• I'm starting my nanny job this week. We'll see how that turns out. So far, I'm actually quite excited for it. I think it's a perfect opportunity to REALLY help Minsoo practice good studying habits.
• The Indian food I ate earlier was so spicy. I don't have any serious problems (yet).
• I haven't taken photos in a long time. I miss it.
  
• It would be neat to be able to "load" a whole bunch of books into my brain, especially the Bible. Talk about wisdom... Hmmmm... this is coming mighty close to teleportation on my impossible-things-i-think-about list.
• I haven't been to an art museum since London. Perhaps I shall check out the Basquiat exhibit at MOCA this week. Anyone want to go?
• I wish I could be more bold.
• I need to guard my heart more; actually, I need to rely on God to guard my heart and mind.
• I should sleep.
  

Grace

Grace
She takes the blame
She covers the shame
Removes the stain
It could be her name

Grace
It's a name for a girl
It's also a thought that
Changed the world

And when she walks on the street
You can hear the strings
Grace finds goodness
In everything

Grace
She's got the walk
Not on a ramp or on chalk
She's got the time to talk

She travels outside
Of karma, karma
She travels outside
Of karma

When she goes to work
You can hear the strings
Grace finds beauty
In everything

Grace
She carries a world on her hips
No champagne flute for her lips
No twirls or skips
Between her fingertips

She carries a pearl
In perfect condition
What once was hurt
What once was friction
What left a mark
No longer stings

Because grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things

Grace finds beauty
In everything

Grace finds goodness
In everything

I want to be grace.

can't sleep

It's way past my bedtime and I'm not tired at all. Why oh why?!

Oh...

I had a latte earlier.


Perhaps I shall read. Reading takes me into another realm where anything and everything is possible. I believe it's my way of flying without really flying.

I'm really getting into my book (Anna Karenina). I'm thoroughly enjoying Leo Tolstoy. I wish I could have met him, been his friend, or shaken his hand. The book is making me think about human relationships, love and of course, life. It's amazing. I'm about 300 pages into the book (I still have 515 more pages to go... it's the book that keeps giving) and not a whole lot has happened, yet Tolstoy's display of interwoven lives is so captivating. There is a conflict, but people don't just get swept away in it. They still meet up with their friends and live out the banalities of life. Although there are quite a few dramatic moments (where I put an exclamation point in the margin because I'm so shocked), I feel that the book reflects true moments of shame, embarrassment, joy, love. Tolstoy also mentions the soul quite often. I like that. It feels as if I'm getting to know the core of the character's being when he describes his/her soul. It's what I desire to know most - souls.

"I know his soul, and I know that we resemble each other."

I read Philippians today and it was quite encouraging. Once again, I realize I just need to pray more and worry less. For Paul, to live was Christ, to die was gain. I wonder... what does it mean for me to live?

To live is travel. To live is read. To live is watch movies. To live is listen to music. To live is spend time with uhma and friends.

"To live is Christ..."

I want to live.

I want to fly

.

Drained Full

It was a tiring, challenging weekend. I'm waiting for everything to marinate in my mind. I do know that I want to have a bigger heart - a bigger heart to love, to forgive, to impact. For this, I shall pray.


Things that made me happy at retreat:

• small group: I fell in love with my small group. Donbi and I clicked in a unique way. We both look at people on the freeway and wonder where they're going, who they are, why they're driving that particular car, or why they're wearing those clothes. We end up thinking of detailed life stories for these people we have never met. Then we think about the fact that all these people probably have families. We feel overwhelmed and our minds just crash. We blame books for our overly active imagination and the fact that we're obsessed with stories. The girls were all amazing. As they shared, I learned so much from them. I can't wait to see how God is going to work through them to reveal Himself.
• morning prayer: There's something so refreshing and perfect about starting the day in prayer. Must do this more often.
• free time naps: So yummy.
• Johny singing "Sitting, Waiting, Wishing" to me while I was sleeping. When I woke up, I thought it was in my dream, but later found out that it really happened. It's so strange; I even remember his voice: "This song is for Grace Liu." I woke up feeling so warm and comforted inside.
• heart to heart with Dan. Always so comfortable. Thanks pal.
• falling asleep listening to Chopin (well, this is always... but I ESPECIALLY enjoy it after a long day). By the way, thanks Paul for the sleeping bag. I truly appreciated it.
• hanging out with JiSoo and watching Ed take care of his little sister so lovingly.
• watching the students praise their hearts out

I hope we made God happy.

Where's Your Walden?

the beach for me. It's thought-provoking and makes me happy.

Mon's dream place is Walden (that Thoreau... he's so dreamy).

Mon: Yeah, I want a log cabin ... and a seadoo.
Grace: I'm not sure there was a seadoo in Walden. Aren't you supposed to be like finding yourself?
Mon: I'll find myself on my seadoo... Hey! It'll be Mon-den.

They Weren't There

You breathed infinity into my world
and time was lost up in a cloud and in a whirl.
We dug a hole in the cool grey earth and lay there for the night.
Then you said, "wait for me we'll fly the wind,
we'll grow old and you'll be stronger without him" but oh,
now my world is at your feet. I was lost and I was found,
but I was alive and now I've drowned.
So now I will be waiting for the world to hear my song
so they can tell me I was wrong...

But they weren't there beneath your stare,
and they weren't stripped 'till they were bare
of any bindings from the world outside that room.
And they weren't taken by the hand
and led through fields of naked land
where any pre-conceived ideas were blown away...
so I couldn't say "no".

You sighed and I was lost in you, weeks could've past for all I knew.
You were there blanket of the over-world and so I couldn't say,
I wouldn't say "no". But they all said, "you're too young to even know,
just don't let it grow and you'll be stronger without him"
but oh, now, my world is at your feet. I was lost and I was found,
but I was alive and now I've drowned.
So now I will be waiting for the world to hear my song
so they can tell me I was wrong...

But they weren't there beneath your stare,
and they weren't stripped 'till they were bare
of any bindings from the world outside that room.
And they weren't taken by the hand and led through fields
of naked land where any pre-conceived ideas were blown away...
so I couldn't say "no".

*sigh*

Things that look pretty from a little distance

. an island
. the backs of a parent and child holding hands
. a spiderweb
. the still reflection of a mountain on a lake
. tree leaves dancing to the rhythm of the breeze
. crashing waves
. a man playing the piano
. someone reading, writing, drawing
. the land of South Africa
. the sun's rays piercing its way through the clouds

. an act of love...

I wish I could get closer.

I wish I could just freeze time and stare. To just sit and immerse myself in beauty... hoping that I could just melt and become a new entity, actually that I would just be swept away by beauty and live as an abstract idea on the peripheral. That would be brilliant.

Traffic

I went to the beach with Mon today. It was absolutely perfect. The water felt refreshing, the sun comforting and my worries and anxiety seemed to drift away with the breeze. These days, I seem to have lots of thoughts. This results in many collisions in my mind. I can't even journal. I think about it, but then I don't even know where to begin. I'm pretty sure I'll feel better and together once I journal, but yeah. I was planning on journaling once I went to the beach, but I ended up sleeping. It was the yummiest nap ever.

I was going to update, but there's too much traffic in my mind. Once it clears up, I'll write some more. For now, I want to enjoy this hollow, light feeling. It's a bit peculiar.