'06 & '07 Reflections

(The past couple of years have been like one long stretch of freeway between two rest stops on a road trip, so I've clumped them together.)

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

I wonder how far along I am in my journey to become all of the above. The past couple of years have been different and challenging, which led to many self-realizations (mostly unpleasant), but I hope I came out of it all more confident and rooted in knowing who I am as God’s daughter. I feel most comfortable being me right now.

I’ve let go of my planner, embraced the joys of not knowing. I’ve probably cried out all my suppressed crying. I’m more in touch with my feelings (or at least trying to be) and letting go of denial. It’s terrifying. I’m almost comfortable being in uncomfortable situations. Maybe I’ve just gotten used to it now. Being in the grey. I’m allowing myself to simply be. I may even be ready for a – dare I say – serious relationship. I still have issues, and I’m okay with that because I think I’m at least moving forward. Last year around this time, I didn’t really feel that way. It’s nice to be where I am right now although I’m still not where I want to be. But, I’m excited for what is to come.

’08 will be great! I think 25 will be a good turning point for me. I hope for more moments of clarity, laughter and contentment. I hope to be able to love fully without fear and allow myself to be loved. I hope to deal with struggles with ease and calmness. I hope to fall more in love with God and acknowledge Him. God has blessed me with friends and family that make me feel so safe and taken care of. I am incredibly grateful. I hope to feel safe with more people. I hope I will feel safest with God and allow myself to be broken. It's scary, yet so freeing.

The lesson for the past couple of years: I am so imperfect; God is so perfect and loves an imperfect me. I’m so thankful He sees beauty and hope in us.

Hope is such a gift. To see beauty amidst a cruel, unforgiving world is a gift. I want to live being thankful for those gifts.

SK Politics

Lee Myung Bak was elected President in South Korea. He's a conservative, former Hyundai CEO, big money guy. He's been linked to corruption (embezzlement, fraud, etc.).

“I voted for Lee Myung-bak even though I think he’s a little corrupt,” said Kim Cho-rong, 21, a college student studying interior design. “I figured someone who is a little guilty but competent was better for our society than someone who is innocent but incompetent.” (from The New York Times)

That quote makes me sad.

My mom and I think he won because South Korea's economy is such a mess right now and that was his main platform. My dad wanted the candidate from an independent party to win. My mom liked one of the liberal candidates. I liked the other liberal one. We all wanted three separate people. How could not one of them win? Anywho, the saddest part about this bloke winning is that he doesn't have such a positive outlook on working with North Korea. It looks like all the efforts towards giving aid and helping NK will be stunted or very slow for the next five years.

Tired Refreshed

I went to Sue's wedding on Saturday. Sue has been my friend since the fourth grade; it was neat to see her get married. It was great to see old friends and Mr. LaPorte, our AP Euro and AP Art History teacher who took us to Europe after we bugged him for two years begging him to take us. He was such a good sport for giving in and he was an awesome "chaperone" because he just took us to cities and told us when he was leaving the city. We basically had to just make it back to the Eurovan by a certain time. Mr. LaPorte used to always call us maggots. He asked us what we were up to and after we told him, Mon asked, "So Mr.LaPorte, how do you think your maggots are doing?" He kindly replied, "Well, you know... some maggots turn into flies, but I think I'm in the presence of a couple of butterflies." It was a nice comment.

After the wedding, Ryan, Matt P. and I went over to Matt's house. Ryan and I always said we were cosmic buddies because we have a special connection. Ryan is probably the smartest person I know. I always admired him for his individuality and ability to express himself so freely in high school. He was unique and often teased for it, but he never cared. According to DataMatch (a fundraiser event where students took a survey, DataMatch developed a list of the top five people you were most compatible with in the school, we sold the lists as a fundraiser), Ryan and I were most compatible with one another. We realized last night we both had secret crushes on one another. He never thought I would go for him because he was a punk rocker. I thought he would never go for me because I was in student leadership. We always supported and admired each other.

Matt P., not to be confused with my brilliant writer friend Matt R., and I have been friends since junior high. He was always a smart, sweet kid. I remember him being so eloquent and underappreciated. Matt was the first boy I slow-danced with in junior high. We were closer in junior high and hung out with different crowds in high school. I appreciated the fact that Matt thought I was funny. I always thought he was so witty and nice.

Matt had just gotten back from the wineries in Santa Barbara before the wedding. As the guys went through four bottles of wine, we talked about high school, secret crushes, books, drugs, life, where we are now... Mon joined us around 2 in the morning and before we knew it, it was time for breakfast. I haven't stayed up like that since college. I'm definitely feeling the aftermath today, but the night was simply amazing. I felt so happy to see that I had such good friends and they're still good people. I had the opportunity to see some of Matt's photography, which was breathtaking. Ryan shared a few of his lyrics (from his metal band's songs), which were so clever. Overall, it was refreshing to be able to talk about nothing and everything. I feel blessed to know such intelligent, deep and funny people.

Unknown

I recently watched a documentary called Unknown White Male. This guy woke up one morning in an unknown place and lost his memory. He didn't know who he was or where he was. He remembered how to do things like eat and sign his name, but he forgot all the people in his life and his experiences. It was interesting to watch him experience everything like seeing the ocean for the first time. He encountered everything for the first time like a baby, yet he had the mind of an adult. I imagine it all must have been so wonderful, shocking and exciting. The documentary made me question how much of who we are comes from our experiences and the people in our lives. It seemed that his personality had changed significantly after amnesia. So, who are we really? What is our identity comprised of? If we stripped ourselves of our experiences, family and friends, who would we be?

I wonder...

River

It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
But it don't snow here
It stays pretty green
I'm going to make a lot of money
Then I'm going to quit this crazy scene
I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on

New Fix

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.

We love, because He first loved us."

I read and meditated on 1 John Saturday. For the first time in quite some time, I craved the Word. It's amazing how dynamic and powerful the Word is. I felt happy thinking about God and talking to Him. It was so refreshing to focus on God rather than myself. I think I've been very self-involved and introspective, which wasn't necessarily all bad because I realized a few things about myself. But, I think I'm finally at that place where I'm ready to accept who I am and reconcile my perception of self with God's view of me. Or rather, start letting go (again). I know it's a process and I'll probably fall into the narcissistic trap of too much self-reflection and analyzing pretty soon, but I think I'm ready to at least recognize when I get that way and try to do something about it. Rather than simply trying to stop feeling guilty, sad, bitter, I've found it's more effective to fill my thoughts with God's promises and words because I can't just stop feeling a certain way. Saturday, when I started feeling guilty about random things, I realized that guilt is closely linked to fear for me. Fear of being inadequate, disappointing others and myself, etc. and ultimately feeling guilty for all of the aforementioned. For some reason, the verse above really calmed me when I started spiraling into my guilt rant in my mind. There's such freedom in the verse. I felt less burdened knowing it's not up to me to fix me. I mean, I'll try and work on issues. We all do. But, ultimately, it's God working in me, my family, my friends, this world.

Perfect love. It's a neat thing to think about.

Retroactive

I got the day off today because of the fires here in San Diego. I've been sitting in bed since 8:30 a.m. I only got out to brush my teeth and wash my face. Instead of being a productive individual and cleaning the house as I originally planned for today, I thought it would be a brilliant idea to just write. But instead of even doing that, I first felt the need to organize all my past thoughts just so I don't miss anything. I don't think that even makes sense. Well, it made sense to me at the time. This eventually led to me going through the stuff I've written in my journal and blog for the past couple of years. I realized a few things:

• I haven't written anything meaningful, deep or good in this blog for quite some time now. I'm surprised people even keep checking it. I apologize and am grateful that you care enough to read.
• I notice that my personality profile fits me quite perfectly.
• I've had sleeping issues for a long time.
• I quit coffee two years ago. Can you believe it? I probably actually quit more like a year-and-a-half ago.
  
• I feel inadequate quite often: I feel inadequate and know that I haven't done my best because I'm just not passionate about math. It's all physically draining for now, but I'm sure there is a lesson to be learned and I can't wait to discover that... This was from two years ago when I taught at a summer tutoring school. It's scary and sad that I still feel this way at times.
  
• Hope is important to me. The albatross is my mascot.

It was interesting to notice the subtle and not-so-subtle changes in me throughout the past couple of years. I still feel uneasy about the future as I did a couple of years ago, but I suppose I've learned to let go and embrace not knowing. It's about growing, loving and continuing to hope. Once I stop doing any one of those things, there's a problem. Instead of feeling overwhelmed by plans and what I hope to do or accomplish (which I'll address in a later post), I think it's time to focus on who I am as God's creation and daughter. Am I working towards becoming patient, kind, not jealous ... bearing all things, believing all things, hoping all things and enduring all things? My life theme verse is the love passage: 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7; it's time to assess my life and see how I'm doing in living the passage.

Only thing I ever could need, only one good thing
Worth trying to be and it's

Love

Overwhelmed Thoughts

.Start.
. I went to prison today and received the Warden's tour. It was intense at times, creepy at times and depressing the whole time. "I want to go to the beach and just cry," said a co-worker of mine after the visit.
. I feel overwhelmed by uncertainty and self-awareness. I don't think that even makes sense. I need to be more God-aware.
. Feeling inadequate and guilty sucks.
. I hate being passionate about something, yet not having the drive to actually do it. Writing. That's my mom's whole argument: if you love it so much, it won't matter that you don't get paid for it right now... you would and should be writing now. If only I could... I'm too trapped in my own insecurities and feelings of... here it is again... inadequacy.
. I drive myself nuts.
. I need to stop starting sentences with "I" because it only magnifies my self-involved nature.
.Stop.

Deborah Kerr

has passed away.


I don't really cry watching movies, but I remember crying while watching An Affair to Remember. Every time. Yeah, I know. It seems unlikely and a bit overdramatic, but the truth is the movie brings the tears. I've probably watched it about 10 times growing up because it was on AMC all the time.

I feel like watching the movie... Perhaps an impulsive buy today...

What are you?

I'm an INTJ according to this test:
www.humanmetrics.com

If you want something to do when you're bored or procrastinating, take the test, then go to:
http://www.personalitypage.com/portraits.html
and check out your personality profile.

I found the relationships link quite interesting. Drew and I aren't supposed to get along.

In conflict situations, INTJs need to remember to be supportive to their mate's emotional needs, rather than treating the conflict as if it is an interesting idea to analyze.

I should work on that...

I Am an Op-Ed Columnist (And So Can You!)

This opinion piece by Stephen Colbert cracked me up: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/14/opinion/14dowd.html?ex=1350014400&en=d01aa8aa6034f85f&ei=5124&partner=permalink&exprod=permalink

I guess I should give a better update:

(per Johny's comment to my last post)

Within the last month, I went to the Arclight movie theater twice. I really enjoy that theater because it really feels like the movie-going experience. I like the assigned seating, the little introduction to the movie and the high ceilings. Plus, no annoyingly loud teenagers.

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford: yeah, the longest title ever. I really liked the movie because the cinematography was stunning. As Dan would so kindly point out, “you visual whore!”. It’s true. I like to see nicely composed visuals. Plus, Casey Affleck was so good.

The Darjeeling Limited: Wes Anderson + Adrien Brody + traveling = happy me. I’ve heard/read mixed reviews, but I liked it - once again – because it was visually neato and the dialogue was fun.

Let’s see… what else has happened…

Oh, Mon is home!

We watched Across the Universe a couple of nights ago. (Wow, I’ve watched quite a few movies this past month.) The story was a bit weak and disconnected, but the music was quite enjoyable. The White Album is my favorite Beatles album and they covered a lot of songs from that album, so I was pleased. The main guy (Jude) had a nice voice.

Dear Prudence,
won't you come out to play
Dear Prudence,
greet the brand new day
The sun is up, the sky is blue
It's beautiful and so are you
Dear Prudence won't you come out to play

Man, I love that song...

The Bus

Every time there was a little gap between the bus and the sidewalk, the bus driver kindly said, "Watch your step". It was nice.

This Week

is sooooo long.

I'm so happy today is Thursday because it's the day before Friday. Tomorrow, I get to spend the afternoon out of the office, so I'm excited. Saturday won't be as much fun for a while. I picked up a couple of extra tutor jobs to save up money faster for travel adventures, so I’ll be busy on Saturday afternoons from 4-8 for the next month or so.

I met my little sister (Big Brothers Big Sisters program) yesterday. She’s so cute. I’m already getting into this mode where I just want to overwhelm her with love and buy her things. We have our first activity on Sunday and I’m pretty excited. I was happy to see her so excited. She just started high school, so she wants to be treated differently and can throw some sass, but I love that.

Just can’t get enough of:
- Thinking that Jesus Christ was God's last Word: I wasn't too awake during the sermon on Sunday, but I've had some time to think about it now. It's quite profound and amazing to think that God sent Jesus as his last message, word, authority. People in the Old Testament did everything God told them to do and took everything He said as sacred. I basically need to have that same attitude and reverence towards Jesus' life and basically obey Him by aspiring to be like Him. I'll have to let that marinate in my mind some more.

.... ok, now on to my superficial side...

- New York Fashion Week: I know you may not really expect me to be into fashion, or maybe you do. In any case, I guiltily admit I heart fashion. I especially enjoy watching Marc Jacobs fashion shows. That guy is flippin’ brilliant! This year, his show was presented backwards. So, he came out first, then he displayed the entire collection. And then, the models came out one by one. Okay, I know most of you aren’t interested in fashion shows, but if you want to check out any of them, I recommend Marc Jacobs (especially the Marc Jacobs collection; the Marc by Marc Jacobs is alright), Proenza Schouler (consistently good since their debut), Tuleh (I like that the designer doesn't conform to any one style) and Vera Wang (her style is definitely different this year).
- John Mayer: I had my ipod on shuffle and a John Mayer song came on. Now, I can’t stop.

Too many shadows in my room
Too many hours in this midnight
Too many corners in my mind
So much to do to set my heart right
Oh it's taking so long I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh but if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, I am in repair

I'm so excited!

What an exciting weekend:

• Pleasant surprise – Mon visited Thursday night and was uber excited about the state of Hawaii granting her permission to bring her rats (when she moves in a couple of months). We had a fun time at MOCA, then enjoyed a nice glass of champagne. We were in a celebratory mood.
• The Weekend Crew met, explored San Diego, played a lot of Uno, and had nice slumber party moments/talks. We got no sleep, but it was so worth it.
• Incubus was amazing. We met the DJ and we walked by Mike, the guitarist. I think it was for the best I didn’t meet Brandon. I would have turned into a puddle.
• The weekend ended with some nice quality family time and a fun ride home with Kris.

I’m meeting my ‘little sister’ today. I volunteered for the Amachi Program, which is a part of the Big Brothers Big Sisters program. The students in the Amachi Program have had or currently have an incarcerated parent. I’m nervous and excited. It’s a year commitment and I know my little sister has been disappointed by her father many times, so I don’t want to disappoint her.

It's always fun with Mon.

Mon so happy after receiving notice she can take her rats with her to Hawaii.

I heart the beach.

We made Drew take the picture because of his long arms. The first one came out alright, but we were missing Kristine (plus Ames because she hadn't come to SD yet).

Kristine finally got in, but Drew kept taking more pictures.

Seven pictures later.

Sunglasses in the sky.

Giggling

I forgot how much fun giggling is. During small group tonight, Kristine, Sharon and I experienced an uncontrollable case of the giggles. I felt like I was in junior high at a slumber party. Wait, I don't think I even giggled like that in junior high. Anyway, it was all Kristine's fault. She wanted to pray together after our small group time. I looked over at her and I could tell she wanted to hold hands. She outdid my initial conjecture. She wanted to pray while embracing. This proved to be a quite awkward position for three people. I finally exploded in laughter because all I could imagine was some Star Trek-ish character with three brains combined. We ended up laughing for a few minutes.

Our first discussion was good and thought-provoking. I hope that I can begin to truly view the church as our body, not as an institution, place of worship or activity. After not going to church... yeah, I'm using the word incorrectly... for quite some time now, I realize that when I do go, it's amazing. Simply worshiping with others, praying with others, just being with the family is so encouraging and rejuvenating. I really appreciate our group so much more. I hope I can nurture this appreciation for our church and hopefully contribute to our growth...

Can't stop thinking about

• the painting I lost last weekend at a silent auction (fundraiser event for the Aja Project, where Andrea works). This stupid bloke swooped right in front of me with 12 seconds left in the auction and out-bid me. I was, am so sad.
• the 3-day weekend and 3-day week to follow. Plus, Incubus!!
• random stories, characters.
• how Sparkle (our goldfish) looked dead.
• how my car will break down.
• booking a flight to anywhere.

The one on the far left... the painting ("Floating Nocturne") that was almost mine.

Weekend of Reconnecting

• Spent the weekend at my mom’s. I love how quiet it is in Lake Elsinore. It’s almost a little eerie, but I like it.


• Went to church. It’s so nice to worship with others and pray together. It’s always comforting to spend time with family. Plus, loitering in the parking lot never gets old.


• Called my father Sunday morning. We were both quite happy.

See-Saw

I don't like that I can find someone absolutely intolerable one moment then be so enamored by that same someone the next moment.

According to 'Understanding Human Behavior,' a book from the '70s Andrea bought at a thrift store, I may be "irredeemably neurotic". I thought this was hilarious.

Koala-ty Time

Ames and Dan visited yesterday and wow, what a day. We first went to the zoo where we saw animals, got frustrated because we couldn't see the animals, saw the many faces of Daniel Cho (I should post them here; they really tell a story. Although one may assume that I must continuously say or do silly things to evoke such looks.), was captivated by plants (or at least I was) and basically walked. A lot. It was quite hot yesterday. We concluded that the koala's life is the best. They just sleep and eat. They rest for about 20 hours a day, sleeping for most of that time.

After the zoo, we went on The Very Long Journey to watch 'North by Northwest' at an outdoor movie theatre called Cinema Under The Stars. I had always wanted to go, but it's so expensive, so I was saving the experience for a special occasion. The three of us trekked several blocks to get to the theatre on time. We actually made it in time. Only to see the "Tickets are Sold Out" sign. So we sadly walked back towards my place. We ended up watching 'Once', which was very good.

It was nice to spend time together and laugh. Overall, it was an enjoyable day simply to be surrounded by familiarity.

Don't worry Dan. I'll post the pictures online soon. Here are a couple to appease you for now:

The Fall

I attempted surfing today. 'Attempted' is the key word. I eventually couldn't even get out past the little waves. I borrowed Andrea's friend's longboard. It was dense (filled with water because of cracks, so heavier) and way big for me. I realized I need a foam longboard to start. I basically got my ass kicked by waves. It's terrifying, yet freeing to just get thrown by waves. I felt so beat up. I felt that my brain was filled with salt water. Although there's something about being filled up with salt water that makes me feel very purified and clean. I think it helps with my allergies. Anyway, after getting thrown by waves, I came out and just sat for the rest of the time and watched everyone. It was amazing to watch everything go dark and see the thin crescent moon make its way through the dark blue clouds. Getting beat up by waves sucked, but the feeling after was pretty good. I felt purged.

So now that I've faced my initial fear of the waves, I think I'm ready for a second try sometime soon. I'm excited. I really enjoy watching the surfers. I imagine how amazing it must feel to stand on the board, ride a wave, then fall into the waves. I keep seeing the fall replay in my mind. I know standing up is the big deal and it's supposed to be a high. But to me, I think the fall after - the letting go - would be amazing. After that feat of standing and riding a wave, I look forward to the fall. I imagine it's refreshing and so satisfying. I can't wait for the fall...

scratch that.

I just wrote this long laundry list of things that I've done this past weekend, but I realized how lame it was and it was no fun to read. So, I deleted the whole thing and decided to just write about what I want to write about. I don't know how I got into this silly habit or feeling of having to reveal all of my daily activities to you all. Forget that.

I've gotten a lot more cynical lately. Or, maybe I'm just allowing that side of me to take over more often. I'm still an optimistic, hopeful person for the most part. But, I definitely feel that my two sides are playing tug-of-war. It's not a dramatic fighting-for-my-soul kind of battle, just a friendly game that involves rope. By the end, I imagine I'll be a little worn and stretched.

I've been reading 'Franny and Zooey' and am thoroughly enjoying it. I don't understand how/why no one has made it into a movie. I see it so perfectly as a movie in my head.

"You know sometimes we don't recognize our dreams inside
our reality and other times we're not aware of exactly
what's real

We walk around day dreaming but the sunshine,
the sunshine always is."

Off to the races

I watched the horse races at Del Mar last Friday. It was so exciting. People go absolutely crazy cheering for their horses. I’ve only seen horse races in movies. I remember shots of the crowd standing up and cheering as the horses neared the finish line. It was so different actually being a part of the crowd. I didn’t bet too much, but I had to bet on a horse named Drewthegentleman simply because of his name. That was the one time I actually won.

It was nothing like ‘My Fair Lady’ or ‘Pretty Woman’. People did dress up a little more than a baseball game, but there was a lot more drinking, cursing, gambling and overall excitement.

After the races, the Violent Femmes performed. Although we were all so dead tired by the end of the evening, the music was great and it was fun to watch everyone. I somehow got stepped on a lot and ended up with a bruise on my foot, so my foot looks dirty. In the shower, I kept rubbing it thinking it was dirt. I finally realized that it hurt and saw that it was a bruise. It took me about a minute of rubbing and "oww"ing. I felt like a flippin’ idiot.

Cake is performing next Friday, the 17th. I think I’m going. The admission is only $6 and if you want a seat, it’s an extra $8. And the concert’s included in the admission price! If you’re interested in going, let me know.

Happy Hump Day!

Sometimes, people here at the office will say the above in a cheerful tone on Wednesdays. I hear it on the elevator, in the corridors, etc. I can't help but be a little surprised every time I hear it. It's just weird.

I'm so glad it's finally Wednesday. It's been one of those weeks where the first thought that enters my mind when I wake up in the morning has been, "I'm going to take a nap when I come home after work." Yeah, I'm excited for the weekend.

Moving On

I finally feel settled in our new place. Well, I feel settled in my room. I lit a few candles and bought a few tuberose stems. The room feels like my own. My walls are still empty, but that will take some time. The move went pretty well. Johny came like a knight in shining armor in his brand new black truck. I realized that I’m weaker than I thought. This was a sad realization. I need to lift weights or something.

I like our new place. I think it was a good move and I feel that it marks some sort of transition for me. Maybe I’m being silly and unnecessarily giving the move meaning and significance, but I feel that it somehow makes a difference for my mental and emotional well-being. I do know that we had a lot of tough times at the old place, so maybe that’s what I’m happy to leave behind.

Andrea and I went to the Farmer’s Market yesterday. I absolutely enjoyed it. I will definitely be going every Sunday. The produce was a bit expensive, but so delicious. Everyone gave free samples; Andrea and I almost got full just eating the samples. I ate so much jam. They market was mostly food, crafts and art. It reminded me of my farmer’s market Saturdays in London.

We then went to the beach. It was delightful because it wasn’t too hot and the water wasn’t too cold. We played in the water for a little bit, then slept and read on the beach. A couple of Andrea’s other friends came along as well. It was nice because we didn’t really talk too much. We all read our own books. We must have looked quite boring, but I felt so comfortable and happy.

A group of young people (possibly college students) who came from church (they mentioned this) sat near us and talked about calories, how to diet and other meaningless things. It made me think that sometimes it may be best not to talk at all if the conversation is so empty. I had one of those, “Wow, that’s what I must sound like” moments. I can recall empty conversations I’ve participated in and it’s so pointless. I guess they’re fun, but in the end, it’s just so empty. I’m going to try to steer away from now on. I guess I can’t really help it if those around me participate, but I don’t want to contribute. I got a glimpse into what that looks like from the outside. On the way home, one of Andrea’s friends said “Yeah, and they were Christian kids.” It was embarrassing. It reminded me that I should be careful with my words.

After the beach, we went to a friend’s housewarming party. Maren was an AmeriCorps volunteer, but was hired as a Communications Director at Survivors of Torture International. She’s so kind. Her house was amazing and the company was great. We discussed what kind of environmentally-friendly lawn mowers we should all use. Andrea and I boasted about our new eco-friendly mop and cleaning supplies. Maren’s housemates grilled a tofu hot dog and it exploded into this strange thing. It’s hard to describe, but I definitely won’t be eating tofu dogs for a while.

Coming-of-Age Writing

I watched 'A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints' today. I like the way Dito Montiel wrote and directed it. I mostly like the way he wrote the screenplay and the transitions between the past and present. So, I was talking to Ames about how I lked the movie and she directly asked me, "Did the main character guy go home?" I was so dumbfounded by the answer: "yes". I can't help it. I'm a complete sucker for coming-of-age movies, especially the ones where the troubled, young man goes home, reconnects with old friends, falls in love with a quirky girl (who redeems his tormented soul) and he becomes a whole person. Well, Dito Montiel's movie is definitely not that. Well I suppose certain parts... I suppose 'Garden State' is the perfect example. I even watched 'Elizabethtown', which was horrible, simply because of the plot. I know. I'm gross. I had some hope though because it was Cameron Crowe. But, I couldn't get myself to watch the Adam Brody version because that one looked worse than 'Elizabethtown'.

As I thought about other coming-of-age stories that I enjoyed, I couldn't help but notice that all of them were male-dominated : 'The Catcher in the Rye', 'Stand by Me', 'The Sandlot', 'Igby Goes Down', etc. Wait, there is 'The Bell Jar' by Sylvia Plath, which is definitely in my top 3 favorite books list. If I ever do actually write, like really write, not just on napkins and scratch pieces of paper, I would like to devote at least one story to a coming-of-age story with a female protagonist. I'm sure they exist, but I'm just unaware. The thing is, I think there's more of an appeal for the broken guy with issues story than the messed up girl with issues. Guys feel that they can relate to the guy with issues and they think it's cool to be this dark intense character; girls want to fall in love with the broken guy because they think he's emotionally intense and deep and feel that they can be the one to understand him. How often do you hear of guys who want to date an emotionally messed up girl and desire to be that 'one' who reaches out to her? Plus, if there's a female protagonist, it's most likely perceived as chick-lit or a chick flick. I would hope that guys would read my stuff too. Hmmm, I'm going to have to think on this some more and work on a solution. Why can't they both have issues and be equally complex? Why do they always have to end up together even? Okay, that's a separate venting post for another day.

Going back to 'A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints'... I thought it was so brave of Dito Montiel to write the memoir and direct the film because it's about his life, family and friends. He reveals them exactly as how he perceived them. There's a sense of vulnerability there. He's allowing everyone to experience everything through his perspective. His family and friends will see how he viewed them. I think it's so honest and brave. I wonder if I could ever do that. When I think of characters in my head, they're combinations of the people in my life. I've never thought of actually trying to capture the entire person into a character. I steal little aspects. So why not actually write about the people in my life? It would solve the whole name issue. I find it hard to think of names for characters. Embarrassingly, this is often the cause for writer's block for me. I digress. My first reason for not doing this would be that I'm not an interesting enough person to be the main character. I'm really not a complicated person. Secondly, I'm not sure that the people in my life would appreciate being written about. But, I do believe that the people around me are interesting enough to be captivating characters. Maybe I should ask them.

Quenched African Soul

Thanks to Markus, I had a couple of tickets to Femi Kuti's show at the House of Blues last night. Femi Kuti is a Nigerian political/social activist singer-songwriter. His album, Fight to Win is awesome. I highly recommend it. A couple of featured guests are Mos Def and Common. I gave the extra ticket to Jonathan. JJ and Michelle (from work) decided to come to the concert as well. JJ actually knew of him and repeatedly said that he was an intense performer and that there would be spirits. Jonathan and I teased him about that throughout the day.

The music was amazing. African beats are quite tricky and it’s difficult to dance to at times, but it’s such an amazing experience to look around and see everyone moving. There’s really no wrong way to dance. I was reminded of the African dancing at South Africa and how I felt so free to move however I wanted. At the concert, I felt that my entire being was filled with music. I almost thought I was seeing and feeling those spirits JJ kept mentioning, but I think I was actually feeling the second drink. The band was fantastic because they continuously danced as they sang and played the trombone or trumpet.

After the concert, they opened the lounge section which turned into a club scene. JJ says, “Whatever happens when we go out, we gotta keep to ourselves. That’s the rule.” But, I think this portion of our night is best summarized by Jonathan: “That was like a history lesson. I’ve never seen moves like that.”

was the day when

Saturday was the day when...

• my tutor kids proofread their papers without me having to ask them: Usually, the kids just hand over their papers to me as soon as they dot the last period. They throw it at me like the paper has some sort of highly contagious disease. I usually have to say, "You wanna read over it before you give it to me?" For the first time on Saturday, they stopped themselves before handing their papers over to me and read over their paragraphs. I couldn't help but smile so big as I watched them correct their spelling and grammatical errors.
• Quanch Squad reassembled: They were uber rad, of course. If only... maybe one day...

Sunday was the day when...

• I attended a meeting to discuss translating and editing dictionaries to send to North Korea. It looks like it's going to be a big project.
• Johny, Dan and I ate dinner and dessert together. Great company, nostalgia, fun conversations... I like.
• I drove back to San Diego with Andrea. Towards the end of the car ride, we were both so delirious. I don't remember driving from Encinitas to San Diego and Andrea was talking about nonsense.

Monday was the day when...

• I interviewed with Big Brothers Big Sisters - the Amachi Program (mentoring program for children of the incarcerated). The interview was an hour long! I guess it makes sense. They want to make sure I don't mess up some kid's life.
• I went to lunch with the bosses. I learned that when you go to lunch with the bosses, everyone ends up paying too much and somehow the person calculating the check ends up with a profit. The Communications Team's lunches were all paid for and we ended up with $20.

Today, Andrea and I are going to enjoy the nighttime zoo festivities. I'm a bit tired, but I think I'll be uber jazzed once I get to the zoo.

I've been thinking a bit about my future these days. I have a three-year plan in mind for staying here in San Diego, then going back to school. But, I wonder if I can last that long in one place. On the other hand, I fear that won't be enough time to take care of my family and take care of my student loans. Hmmm... Plus, what should I study? Law School? International Relations? Photography? Creative Writing? Film School? Really? Eeek! I get excited and scared thinking about it all. I suppose I at least have one more year to not seriously think about it.

This Week

was quite full.

Highlights:

• Nighttime zoo! They have new shows. I especially enjoy the one where the trainers demonstrate how they teach the animals different fun behaviors. The zoo is a little scary when it's dark - too many mysterious sounds, but I still enjoyed it.
• Justice at the Hall of Justice: Drew and Justice came to SD. Mark came over and we all went to Mexico for yummy tacos. Although the Rite Aid ice-cream afterwards was delicious, I still wish we could have eaten churros. The next day, I gave Drew and Justice a tour of the office. They even got the "kid tour" from Steve, the DA's administrative assistant.
• Harry Potter: I enjoy the movies. Andrea and I watched the Order of the Phoenix last night. I think I might try to read one of the books. I remember Heidi tried to get me to read the first one when it came out like 10 years ago, but I couldn't get into it. I think I should start from the sixth book because the fifth movie piqued my curiosity.

I played every night this week. I feel tired in a nice way. I can't wait to take my 6-hour afternoon nap after tutoring tomorrow morning.

On repeat: The Ma Fleur album by The Cinematic Orchestra. Just can't get enough.

Watched Transformers

• Why/how is Optimus Prime so cool?
• The special effects were uber neato. I could have just watched the transformation for two hours. Uber rad.
• How come Bumblebee wasn't a VW bug? I guess that wouldn't have worked out since GM sponsored the movie and all, but still...
• That Even Stevens boy is so handsome.

Watched/Listened to The Decemberists w/ the LA Philharmonic

• 'Twas amazing. The LA Philharmonic was splendid.
• Fun company+ good music = pleasant night.
• Wake up at 7 a.m. to tutor + concert ends at 11:00 p.m. = sleeping Grace at Johnny Rocket's.

Quote of the day

"The Old Testament is like the religious 'Harry Potter'"
- Mon talking about the adventures in the Old Testament.

Hmmm,

it has almost been a month since I posted anything. I didn't realize.

So, you know that I like to write in bullet points... Here are the updates/highlights of the past month:

- Visitations! Thank you to all those who have visited me in the past months, it's always such a joy. I haven't been able to even begin to feel lonely. I truly do appreciate the visits.
- New/Old job: I am now an "official" employee of the county of San Diego, working at the District Attorney's Office. It's strange. I still basically do the same thing - work on the Prisoner Reentry Program and Literacy Intervention Program - but I'm also doing some more media-related writing, so this is exciting. I think I might soon get to start pitching short articles to community papers. Eek.
- Movies: I've watched a lot of movies recently, mainly because we have Netflix. 'House of Sand' was beautifully shot and the acting was stellar. I, of course, enjoyed 'Paris, Je T'aime'. 16 short films by 16 different directors. Stories all set in Paris. How could I not love it? 'For Your Consideration' was hilarious. I LOLed throughout the movie. 'I'm a cyborg, but it's okay' is a romantic comedy directed by Park Chan Wook (director of 'Old Boy'). The story was so-so, but it was a visual treat.
- Mind: Last week was a bit difficult because I began to feel really tired again. When this happens, I feel overwhelmed by everything. I hate that uneasy feeling of hanging on. I don't have a very strong grip. But, yesterday I slept. A lot. Maybe too much. Today, I feel better. I want to be productive today.

I'm going to the swap meet with Andrea today, then we're going to watch 'Ocean's 13'. We had a good creationism vs. evolution talk yesterday.

Song of the day: "All the Words" by Kutless. Strangely, I heard it during a Scrubs episode. I was surprised to hear a Christian song on the show. I like the way they used the song. I like it when shows/movies use music well. It makes me happy. I think I've watched movies simply because I liked the music in the trailer. I can think of two movies immediately: 'Garden State' because of "Let Go" by Frou Frou and 'Closer' because of "The Blower's Daughter". I digress.

Okay, I'm off to start my day.

Overwhelmed

purged:
to rid of whatever is impure or undesirable; cleanse; purify.
exhausted:
To wear out completely.
To drain of resources or properties; deplete: tobacco crops that exhausted the soil.
To use up completely: exhausted our funds before the month was out.
To treat completely; cover thoroughly: exhaust a topic.
To draw out the contents of; drain: exhaust a tank gradually.

I feel all of the above.

I attended a conference about North Korea this past weekend. I haven’t had time to process anything yet, but I’m excited for what is to come.

my anthem for now:
Get ready to send the years
Of guilt and shame away
The years of failing
The years of nailing up yourself
To a cross you can’t bear
That’s why He was there

What a beautiful day
When He washed all our sins away
What a beautiful day

Pro/Con

The pros and cons of today:

CON:

• Doctor examinations: peeing in a cup, being poked at, feeling embarrassed because the doctor knows my insides.
• Sunny, hot weather.
• Feeling overwhelmed by work.

PRO:

• Flowers from my sweet little brother waiting for me at my desk.
• Thinking about getting on a plane tomorrow and attending the conference about North Korea. I'm excited to learn.
• Feeling happy today.

smile.

It was nice to spend time with Ames. She was a good sport going to the zoo with me. The zoo is one of those places (along with art museums) that makes me smile. I appreciated Ames trying to communicate with the animals. She even spoke Indonesian to the animals from Indonesia. I wish I could have video-taped that.

I took the bus today. It's always interesting when I take the bus. People who ride the bus are such characters. I wonder where they're coming from, where they're going, what their houses look like, what they like to eat, etc. Anywho, as I got off the bus, a man so warmly said, "Have a great day." I usually hate the word "great". It's such a dead, meaningless word. I cringe and draw a huge "X" on this word when any of my tutor kids use it in their writing. But, he said it so genuinely and warmly. I couldn't help but smile. Then, he said, "Never lose that gorgeous smile." It was nice.

Andrea and I had a good heart-to-heart. I'm so blessed to have her as a housemate. She made me this wonderful drink - warmed up soy milk with honey and cinnamon - to help me fall asleep.

As I sip this comforting drink and listen to 'Gracie Mix vol. 5', I feel grateful and smile.

God knows
I've been taking a lot without giving back

Plant Story

I have this idea for the movie I'll never produce. I envision three characters, ther lives intersecting, witty banter, blah, blah, blah. I don't really have any sort of plot in mind, just characters and settings. I won't go into details about the characters; if you're curious, ask me and maybe I can tell you the stories in my head.

Anywho, I thought that I would show a little bit of the characters' attributes through plants. For example, the yuppy do-gooder would buy fresh flowers at the weekly farmer's market and proudly display them throughout her house. The sarcastic smart-ass would have a cactus garden. A friend gave a cactus to this character for every special occasion (Christmas, birthday, Easter, Flag Day); the friend thought it was perfect because cacti are low maintenance. However, the character manages to kill a consistent flow of cacti. Actually, I sometimes think of a completely opposite character who has a whole bunch of cacti as well, but kills them because he/she waters them too much. Moving on to my last character, this is probably the most "normal" character. She/he has potted plants and takes great care of them. She/he is the most sane and steady character. I heart flowers and plants, so I see a little bit of myself in all of the characters that I envision. But today, I realized that I'm a new character I hadn't actualized in my mind just yet.

Andrea had bought a few plants and flowers a couple of months ago. Most of them have died now because she forgot to water them or it's just been too hot. Since Andrea's been gone house-sitting for her boss, I've been watering the plants obsessively and telling them to get better. Today, I noticed that three of the plants were beginning to grow little green leaves or small portions of the stems were turning green. This delighted me so. I don't particularly find joy in watching the plants grow, but I realized that I love bringing dead plants to life again. So, now I imagine my new character walking in alleyways and scavenging for discarded dead plants. This character's place will be filled with dead plants barely coming back to life.

Off to write.

Common Sense

Me: You know how you get that feeling when someone's looking at you... what is that? Is there a word for that feeling? How does that work?
JJ: Senses, Liu!

I felt that his response was so ridiculous, yet I felt mildly stupid.

------------
I find it amazing how our brain works, processes all of our senses simultaneously. Sometimes, I like to isolate my senses - try to focus only on one sense. I took a walk during my lunch break and centered all of my energy on discerning scents. The city's scent is a grimy concoction - a mix of smog, newly installed carpet, fried foods, cigarette smoke and potent floral perfume.

"I don't like it like this"

by the Radio Dept. is currently on repeat.

Contrary to the song, I love it like this. I heart gloomy weather. It makes me feel alive and happy. Although, I was a bit confused today because I kept thinking that it was five o'clock in the evening. But, the whole day has just been overcast and grey. It's perfect weather for listening to the 'Marie Antoinette' soundtrack.

The plan for the evening: make soon-tofu (that looks weird... it's more like soondubu) and watch 'Before Sunset'.

:)

Aura Forecast

I stopped by Target to pick up a few cleaning supplies. I was deeply immersed in my music and lost in the numerous options of dishwashing soap. I heard a distant, "Excuse me, excuse me". I turned to the right and saw a pregnant lady with long brown hair, wearing a beige poncho-type shirt. I think it was organic cotton. A smaller lady was standing behind her with the cart. I moved over to get out of her way. "Excuse me," she repeated. I took out one of my earphones.

Lady: Sweetie, your aura is amazing.
Me: Thank you?
Lady: I see a lot of good things for you.
Me: Oh... okay.
Lady: Many good things will come to you. I see love entering your life very soon.
Me: Oh.
Lady: Let me read for you.
Me: Huh? Oh, no thank you.
Lady: I usually charge 125 dollars, but I'll charge you 25.
(I looked back at the lady with the cart. I was so confused. The lady with the cart just smiled.)
Me: Oh, no thank you.

I saw the two ladies in the baby section later on.

As I drove home, I thought about how silly it is for people to pay for some other person to tell them about their future. Then I thought, even if someone offered to foretell my future for free, I don't think I would want to know.

I usually don't feel that I've really changed at all since I was a kid. I definitely have looked the same since I was five. But, if there's one change I've recently noticed, it's that I'm not so stuck on plans on anymore. I'm not sure whether this comes from me giving up on trying to devise any type of practical plan for my future or if it comes from me letting go and trusting God. Anywho, I haven't had a planner for over a year. I used to not be able to function without a planner. I still have a little notebook to keep track of to-do's and important events (because of my terrible memory), but it's nice to not feel restricted by a calendar.

It's liberating, frightening and wonderful to not know. I'm learning to embrace today and feel comfortable in the unknown, uncomfortable and awkward.

-----
India again: I received a random email (to my work email) from a pastor in India asking me to come to India, pray for him and support his ministry in an orphanage in India. I think it's a mass email, but I don't know who he is or how he got my email address. Is this a sign?

Currently

daydreaming about:

• going to India (I think it's because I've watched two movies in the last month where the story took place in India. Plus, Sunny's obsessed with all things/people India and I think she rubbed off on me a bit the last time she visited.)
• going to South Africa for the World Cup in 2010.
• living in a cabin in the wilderness. It's a bit weird how vividly I can imagine this. I'm a little scared that I'll actually see what I imagine and I'll be sad because I won't be able to stay.

addicted to:

• the scent of tuberose flowers
• the clearance section in the used bookstore near my place (paperback books for 50 cents! hardcover books for just a buck! I bought a literature book the other day. I like literature books because it's like buying 15 poetry books, 3 plays and a compilation of short stories all in ONE book.)
• podcasts: Song of the Day for various radio stations, Prairie Home Companion, BBC World Select, NPR StoryCorps (please check this one out. I dream of simply traveling and working on a project like this.). I'm secretly (not-so-secret anymore) addicted to the YogAmazing podcast. The instructor, Chaz, is hilarious.

finding it hard to:

• sleep (The strange thing is I don't feel tired when I get very little sleep. It's strange.)
• read and stay focused

which leads to:

• a glass of blush wine at night when I can't go to sleep (I was first intrigued by the pretty color, but it tastes yummy as well. I recommend it for those who are scared to try red wine and feel that white wine is too dry. It's a perfect balance.)

my sanity:

• art museums
• walks and smelling flowers along the way
• music
• pilates

Do you ever feel uneasy? Just generally uneasy without knowing why?

Tiptoe-ing along the edge of a canyon
Knowing that I could easily sway my balance towards
the Secure side of the Ground
feel grateful and safe for
Falling on the Earth
and afraid for what could have been
in the Abyss.

Simply feel the adrenaline of
Maintaining my balance on the edge.

The canyon is frightening, yet seems completely freeing.

Related to Water

I could stare at jellyfish all day.

at the Birch Aquarium.

La Jolla.

I like to think that the two goldfish are best friends forever.

It was strange to see the duck underwater.

A photo from Earth Day.

I heart Earth Day.

Happy Earth Day!

Andrea and i walked over to the Earth Day fair at Balboa Park.

What makes the Earth Day fair different from other fairs?
- bike valet
- hare krishnas
- recycling bins everywhere (Andrea and I were annoyed that they only had these available on Earth Day)
- vegetarian cuisine galore!
- organic food samples
- purses/wallets made from recyclable and used items
- art made from random materials
- eco-friendly cleaning supplies booths (even eco-friendly maid service)

I particularly enjoyed people and dog watching today. I think Andrea and I expected more booths related to the environment, but there many other booths related to political issues. Overall, it was enjoyable and it's exciting to see that more people are living green.

I just don't get it -

- the right to bear arms.

Freedom

I watched Amazing Grace last night. I cried. A lot. It's such a beautiful and well, amazing story. The movie reminded me of the 27 million slaves that we have in today's world. Changes occurred in British parliament through the actions of individuals. What am I doing today to stop this global atrocity of treating humans as disposable and sub-human? I'm embarrassed and ashamed to not have a response for this question.

I like visiting Free the Slaves' website every so often. They're a growing non-governmental organization based in Washington, D.C. I interned for them a few years ago. It's encouraging and empowering to see their growth and see how individuals can make a difference. Ending slavery is not only the right thing to do, but the most necessary thing to do. Please check out their website: www.freetheslaves.net; http://www.theamazingchange.com/free_slaves.html (this is the campaign inspired by the movie).

While watching the movie, I couldn't help but think about my bondage to sin. What grace it is that saves and frees me from sin. I pray for the millions of slaves worldwide. I pray for physical and spiritual freedom.

Although my memory's fading, I remember two things very clearly. I'm a great sinner and Christ is a great Savior.

There's always hope.

Resurrection

I had been feeling overwhelmed and tired the past couple of months or so, but the last couple of weeks have been a good time of brokenness and renewal. Here's why:

.having some good quality alone time (going to the zoo, walking, reading).
.tuberose flowers. They make me so happy.
.reconnecting with the arts culture (watching the Adoption Project, going to the Annie Leibovitz exhibit).
.sleeping. a lot.
.being able to exist and experience joy.
.falling in God's grace, love and security.
.meditating on the fact that God clears all debts.
.visits from Ames and Keisuke.
.good time of prayer with Ames (acknowledging the reality of God's presence in my living room).
.learning about living in the reality of the resurrection of Jesus.

Lake Elsinore

Hamlet is my favorite play by Shakespeare. I usually read it once every summer. I wonder if my love for Hamlet has anything to do with the fact that I grew up in Lake Elsinore. I found a few random facts about my hometown:

• Current population: a little over 38,000. I think that's the population of USC.


• The racial makeup of the city is 65.61% White, 5.19% African American, 1.29% Native American, 2.05% Asian, 0.30% Pacific Islander, 20.33% from other races, and 5.23% from two or more races. Hispanic or Latino of any race were 38.05% of the population.


• Lake Elsinore was incorporated as a city in 1888 but was inhabited well before then. The lake was once a natural lake but went dry in the 1930s. In the early 1960s it was refilled.


• It was a popular destination in the first half of the 1900s for celebrities to escape the urban Hollywood scene.


• Despite its relatively small African-American population, it has the distinction of electing the first black mayor in the state of California. Tom Yarborough was elected in 1966.


• Lake Elsinore is also home to [...] a group of Paranormal/Ghost hunters called Elsinore Citizen Against the Invasion of Paranormal Entities or E.C.A.I.P.E. The group's main goal is to stop all "evil paranormal entities" that would wish to attack or inhabit a citizen of Lake Elsinore.


• On a 1992 Sightings segment, a local citizen group of ten members from Lake Elsinore claimed to share or knew each other in past lives in 1863 Clarksburg, West Virginia. The paranormal television series claimed the small group experienced a rare phenomena called mass reincarnation. The story was covered on a hard-cover novel From Clarksburg to Lake Elsinore: A Profile on Reincarnation published in 1988, but since was out-of-print.


• Lake Elsinore is said to be the habitat of a lake monster sighted on numerous occasions since the 1850s, but the "Lake Elsinore Monster" had similarities to Nessie of Loch Ness, Scotland, and Champ of Lake Champlain, Vermont. The city developed a recent reputation as a "hot spot" for the paranormal: UFOs or flying "orbs", haunted sites (homes or vacant lots) for ghost activity, and repeated incidents of satanism or vampire cults in the mountains near the city.


• It was named Elsinore after the Danish city in Shakespeare's Hamlet.

Commitment Issues

I can't seem to commit to a book. I lose interest either a third or half way through the book. I looked through an entire photography book the other night. That was good.

Iris (my laptop) and I are getting along just fine. I think this is the beginning of a pleasant relationship, unlike the one I had with my old laptop. That thing hated me.

My ipod died. It made hurting noises, then finally died.

I really want to get sucked into a book. Any recommendations?

adoption; tuberose; zoo

ADOPTION
I watched a play tonight about adoption. The story revolved around three women affected by adoption: an adopted daughter, the adoptive mother and birth mother. It was a powerful and insightful play that showed me the complexity and feelings associated with adoption. The play made me think that if I ever do adopt, I would like the children to be able to have some contact with their birth parents if they so desire.

I dream of adopting children some day. I don't remember what sparked my interest in adoption or when this all began. It may sound a bit strange, but my initial reason for wanting to adopt wasn't out of pity for the children who had been abandoned. Of course, I feel sad when I think about it now, but that wasn't my first emotion when I thought about adoption. I think I wanted to adopt out of practicality and because of my concern for the environment and its resources. Let me explain. I figure, there's already a child out there. Why should I bear another child in this world when I can love and raise a child who already exists? I'm not sure if this makes any sense, but it does to me. John MSN would always tell me that people shouldn't adopt unless they feel that they can equally love their adopted children as their naturally-born children. I think I could.

Who knows what'll happen... But for now, I dream of my international family and teaching my children that the human spirit is what truly connects us all to one another.

TUBEROSE
I think I found a new flower to add to my favorite flowers list. Cala lilies are my favorite becaues I think they're so pretty, but the tuberose's fragrance is amazing. My little room is filled with the light, yet deep fragrance of my single stem of tuberose flowers. Actually, they're pretty as well. My heart feels so happy. I discovered there may be an explanation:
The legend of the tuberose in France warns that young girls should not breathe in its fragrance after dark for fear that it would put them in a romantic mood. In India, tuberose is known as rat ki rani, [The Mistress of the Night] for similar reasons. In Ayurvedic medicine, attars are held in high esteem not only for their exquisite fragrance, but their healing properties. Tuberose is known to improve one’s capacity for emotional depth. By opening the crown chakra it improves psychic powers. Tuberose also amplifies artistic inspiration as it stimulates the creative right side of the brain. And it brings serenity to the mind and heart.

ZOO
I'm going to the zoo tomorrow! I think I'm going to get good use of my annual pass. It also works at the Wild Animal Park! :)

Disenchanted

I'm getting into my want-to-live-in-a-forest-with-a-typewriter-and-unlimited-supply-of-tea mood.

Mon would live across the lake and I would complain that she's too loud playing on her seadoo.

A-quarter-of-the-century-minus-one

Hmmm, Andy, there's no ring to it.. maybe it's growing on me.

I went to the aquarium on Friday with work folks. I could watch jellyfish all day. We walked over to watch the seals after lunch. They all looked so relaxed, happy and fat sun-bathing on the beach. There were a couple of baby seals. One looked very thin and sick. I felt sad and worried. Watching the seals sleeping on the beach made me feel sleepy. I took a long nap after I came home.

I pretty much bombed the test on Saturday. I felt confident about 50% of my answers. And that's a generous estimation. This is not some I'm-just-saying-this-to-be-prepared-for-the-worst-news-knowing-that-I -didn't-really-do-that-badly thing. I have never felt so defeated after a test.

After the test, Andrea, her mom, my mom and I went to a Lebanese restaurant. Andrea bought me beautiful small cala lilies with purple tips because she knows that I like small things. Cala lilies are my favorite. The food was amazing and my mom is surprisingly quite funny. I like listening to her speak English because her English is actually pretty decent. She just gets insecure, but once she gets going, I can see her confidence rising. My mom's a great storyteller. I like watching my mom interact with Terri, Andrea's mom.

It was a pretty anti-climactic birthday. I had plans of preparing and trying out new dishes and what-not for a get-together, but I canceled. Perhaps next year. I was a bit cranky the whole day because of the test and I still didn't physically feel well. I think the sickness has finally left my body. This makes everything look a little brighter. I appreciate being able to hear, not having to blow my nose constantly and not having a headache. It sounds silly, but I always feel a bit different after I get over a cold or flu like I experienced something big in my life. I feel that I become a different person when I'm sick: I whine more, I'm more prone to depression, I cry easily. It's nice to be over that.

This year, I look forward to:
- visiting the zoo whenever I want to see the hippos, zebras, pandas and koalas
- being challenged
- growing in love and kindness
- peace
- lessons to be learned
- joy.

thinking in bullet points

• I went to the Lakers game last night. I had a marvelous time because I enjoy watching basketball games. The game went by so fast. I don't really like Kobe because I think he’s a show-off and has a bad attitude. But, I couldn’t help but be impressed. I was also impressed by Garnett. He’s so smooth. Oh, and Kareem was at the game! I like Kareem. Jonathan was sad because the Timberwolves lost. JJ loved the band and the Laker girls.
• Andrea’s parents: Andrea’s father was in town last week. He has a gentle and kind spirit. Dr. Magee and I talked about diabetes over dinner and I’ve never seen anyone talk about the discovery of drugs so excitedly. At the same time, I found it very interesting and was equally excited as I listened. Andrea’s mom is in town now. Terry is a Biology professor in Wisconsin and definitely a free spirit. It’s fun to meet Andrea’s parents because she’s such a perfect mix of both of her parents.
• I talked with Kristine yesterday. It was so nice to hear her voice. I love that we understand one another so well. I miss holding hands.
• I miss Heidi.
• Beware of the cold/flu!
• I can’t believe March is almost over.
• 24 on the 24th: I was going to have a small get-together, but I decided to cancel. Instead, I’m taking an analyst test. I’m a little scared. The notice said it would take 2.5 hours. This reminds me of the SAT. Blah.
• Being sick affects the way I think, feel and react. I don’t think I realized this until this past week.
• I found my digital camera. This delights me so because now I can take pictures of San Diego.
• Wow, this was a boring post. I apologize. I blame it on the sickness.

Visual DNA

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Cape of Good Hope

"Love is what keeps the universe glued together."

Heavy Head

I'm convinced that my big head is filled with snot.

Sometimes

The mind is a complicated thing.

Sometimes...
..one knows something to not be true, yet can't help but see or believe otherwise.
..one will see animals in the chipped off paint spots on the table.
..one will wear sunglassess inside because it is too bright.
..one will uncontrallably cry.
..one will smile so brightly.

We lay in the soft green grass and stared up at the tree branches set against the calm blue background of sky. We ran our fingers through the soft grass and enjoyed the chirping of the birds. We talked about the photos we would take. I already took the photos in my mind. I can see all the images of that short hour in my head right now. The images look blurred. They're soaked in tears.

Just when I think I can't have any more tears, I keep crying. Is it because I keep drinking?

I miss...

.talks with missionary Mira.
.the beach.
.sleeping in.
.reading the Word outside.
.catching up with Mon and Sue at Denny's.
.talking about the sky with Julia.
.listening to Mansoo practice playing the cello.
.my mommy's pancakes.
.my father fixing everything for me.
.the cold air up in the mountains.
.walking along the Thames River and stopping at my favorite outdoor bookstand.
.staring at 'my Pollock painting' at Tate Modern for three hours when I had nothing to do.
.the vibrantly blue sky in South Africa.
.the smiles of the children in South Africa.
.journaling.
.taking pictures.
.silly moments with missionary Dae.

Nostalgia pt. 2

Mon came down to Lake Elsinore last week. Every time Mon is in town, I drive over to the other side of the lake. My mom’s place is in Wildomar, across the lake from the town of Lake Elsinore. I grew up in Lake Elsinore and most of my childhood memories are on that side of the lake.

I dropped off Mon at her home in the evening and drove back to my mom’s. I passed by a couple of my old homes. My family moved around a lot when I was a kid. I think that’s why I hate moving. We have lived at 5 different homes in Lake Elsinore alone.

I passed by Sue’s old street. She used to live at a house at the very end of the street. I remember going to Sue’s house for the first time for her birthday and we had a treasure hunt. I remember feeling kind of nervous and excited about being invited to Sue’s birthday party.

I drove into a housing track. The sky suddenly and dramatically grew dark. I may have just noticed that it was dark the instant I turned right into the neighborhood. It began to rain. I cautiously drove into the neighborhood. I didn’t know what emotional landmines I would encounter. It was so bizarre to look at the houses. They looked exactly the same. The paint, steps, doors and driveways looked exactly the same as when I was a child. I felt so different and changed, yet my surroundings reflected 1992.

I first drove down Heather Ln. I slowly passed by Gina Kim’s house. She was my best friend in elementary school until 4th grade. We had some sort of fight, I think. I don’t even remember. We became friends again later on. Her next-door neighbor on the left was Connie. I think she was a couple of years older than us. She died in a car accident when we were in elementary school. I think that was the first time that someone I knew died. It was so strange seeing her picture in announcements. Gina and I would look up at the window in Connie’s room and notice how everything was covered with white sheets. I used to calculate how old Connie would have been every year a new year book came out. I don’t know why I did that. I used to wonder quite often about her and what kind of life she would have lived. I did that until high school.

Isaac and Amanda lived to the right of Gina. I used to baby-sit them. I looked at their driveway and noticed the lines on the concrete. We used to play four square. We played handball on the garage door.

I proceeded to go up the hill and noticed that the street wasn’t as big as I remembered. The street wasn’t as steep as I remembered it either. I remember I rode my bike down the street once and my brakes broke, so I had to make the sharpest turn and I almost skidded on the ground. My heart still beats fast when I think about that moment. I thought about the time Peter (Gina’s brother) and I collided on our bikes when he rode his bike with no hands on the handlebars. He ran over my leg and I thought I was going to be crippled forever.

I finally came across 15060 Heather Ln., our first home in Lake Elsinore. My father ambitiously and foolishly bought a house that was too big and simply too much for our little family. He likes big houses. As a child, I loved the big house. My father nailed two big chalkboards in the garage. This became my classroom. I loved playing school. I remember I had a playroom and bedroom. I thoroughly enjoyed this house. I was too young to know about the financial burden of this house. I later learned of this and hated the house after that. I now dislike big houses. I suppose I could just focus on the happy moments. My half-sisters moved out of our house when we lived in Fountain Valley. However, they still visited us on holidays when we lived at this house. I really liked my oldest sister. My father’s favorite was my third oldest sister. But, I liked my oldest sister because she played with me. She called me Koala and bought me stationery.

My next-door neighbors were three brothers. They were all extremely tall and played basketball. Lance, the middle child was the same age as me. They all looked like giants to me. Jisan lived across the street. We were introduced to one another when I was six and she was five. They said that I was her “goh-moh” (aunt in Korean). I don’t think we really understood why, but she’s called me goh-moh ever since that moment. I guess her grandfather and my father are second cousins or something like that.

I slowly drove to the end of Heather Ln. and made a right turn. I made another right turn on Christina Ct. I slowed down even more. I stopped in front of a brown house. The lights were turned on and I wondered if the people who lived in that house were happy. I hoped that their happy memories would overpower my miserable memories in that house. I think we moved to this house when I was in junior high. That’s when I began to understand the financial burdens of my parents. I talked to the landlord for my parents, lied to the landlord, pleaded with the landlord. This girl from Korea lived with us. She was and still is annoyingly critical of me. Shinwoong lived with us. We get along now, but we had a few explosive fights while we lived there. It’s funny when I think about it now. We would scream and slam doors. I don’t think I could do that now.

Hyuk lived with us at this house too. I really liked him. I thought that he could be the big brother I always wanted. He didn’t talk much, but we had a couple of deep conversations. The electricity went out one night, so we sat outside in the backyard and talked for a couple of hours. He mostly talked about his girlfriend in Korea. The moon was so bright that night. I liked listening to him tell me stories about Korea and his friends. One day, I heard violent knocking on the door. I opened the door to find our infuriated landlord. He began yelling at me. I froze. I had dealt with him before, but for some reason at that moment, I couldn’t do anything. He towered over me and I remember his angry face. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone so angry. I froze in fear. I felt an arm on my upper chest pushing me back. I stepped back alarmed and saw Hyuk’s back in front of me. I don’t even remember what he said to the landlord. I don’t think he really even spoke English at the time. But, he made the landlord go away. He closed the door and turned around. I was still frozen. He asked me if I was okay. I sat down on the ground and cried. He sat next to me and just listened to me cry. He didn’t hug me, pat me or comfort me. He simply listened to me cry. That’s all I needed.

As I looked inside the house once more, I decided to leave those moments in that house. I think one positive aspect of moving a lot is that I can leave certain memories in a particular house. Each house is a photo album, filled with snapshots of my life while I lived there. I decided to file the albums away. It’s not being in denial. I acknowledge that they’re there. I browse through them once in a while. I just don’t want to get caught up in those moments and eventually get trapped in those moments. As I write about those moments now, I can reflect and move forward. I can see that I have grown the most and depended on God the most during those seemingly difficult times. I never want to forget that lesson. I hope to live in contentment, thanksgiving and joy. I want to be able to drive by these houses and smile as I pass by. Maybe I’ll test it out in a month or so.

Magritte

The Magritte exhibit was fantastic. I felt as if I stepped into one of his paintings. I thought that the exhibit was quite creative and I appreciated the thematic flow of the entire exhibit. The exhibit was of course filled with Magritte, but also other artists whose works were inspired by Magritte.

I like Magritte because he doesn't provide any answers. His titles don't make any sense. Most of his works don't make any sense. I remember learning about Magritte's pipe in high school. I was really impressed, still am by his way of thinking. This painting rocked my world.

Music Nostalgia

I’m almost done copying all of my CDs onto my new laptop. I transferred most of my music last weekend. My mom kept sitting next to me and trying to calculate how much money I’ve spent on music. I told her to stop because it was going to drive me nuts.

As I was copying CDs and listening to a lot of songs I hadn’t listened to in years, I couldn’t help but get caught up in nostalgia and warm fuzzy feelings as certain songs, albums, artists evoked memories and feelings of a certain period in my life.

The Beatles and Simon & Garfunkel: Elementary School. I wasn’t hip enough to get into New Kids on the Block or other pop artists of the time. I sat around and listened to The Beatles and Simon & Garfunkel when I did my homework.

The Carpenters: 4th grade. I think I listened to them obsessively in the 4th grade. This is a bit embarrassing, but every time it rained and it happened to be a Monday, I was so excited to listen to “Rainy Days and Mondays” and stare out the window. I still remember those moments so vividly. That song is so depressing. I don’t remember what went through my little 4th grade mind when I listened to that song.

Joni Mitchell: My obsession with Joni Mitchell began in the 7th grade. Once again, I don’t think I fully understood her lyrics, but I was attracted to her music and listened obsessively. I think I really liked her voice. Her songs remind me of junior high.

The 60’s: I think I really got into the music of the ‘60s my freshman year of high school. I worked on a documentary about the Vietnam War for History Day and listened to A LOT of music from the ‘60s to determine which songs to include in the doc. Whenever I hear any songs from Woodstock and that time, I remember my History Day experience. I began to appreciate protest songs.

G.Love & Special Sauce: I remember sitting in Sue’s Oldsmobile listening to 91X and listening to the middle and end of “Rodeo Clowns” for the first time. We both really liked the song. We listened to 91X every chance we had for the next couple of weeks hoping that they would play the song again and tell us who the artist was. We finally caught it on the air. I bought the CD that day. G.Love & Special Sauce reminds me of riding around hot, dry Lake Elsinore in Sue’s car.

Incubus definitely reminds me of high school. “Stellar” was ‘our’ song. I smile and laugh when I think about it now. I guess it was cute.

MTV2 discoveries: I couldn’t fall asleep one night, so I turned on MTV2 to watch music videos (because they actually played music videos while MTV was filled reality shows… I think that’s how it is now too). Ok Go’s “Get Over It” video came on. I liked the catchy beats and looooved the video: every time they emphatically sang, “Hey!”, they showed a stack of hay. Brilliant! Right after the Ok Go video, they played India Arie’s “Video”. That’s when I fell in love with India Arie. I bought both CDs the next day. I think I’m an impulsive CD buyer.

India Arie: I find all of her albums so spiritually refreshing. Her first album reminds me of my senior year in high school and freshman year of college. I listened to her second album non-stop while I was in D.C. I am now listening to her third album non-stop. It’s amazing how I find that her albums seem to fit reflect what’s going on in my life at the time of their releases. I’m sure most women feel this way about her albums. I see her growth through her albums and I’m able to track my own growth through her music as well.

Coldplay: I listened to ‘A Rush of Blood to the Head’ a lot while I was in Africa. “Politik” always reminds me of South Africa.

Gracie Mix vol. 1, 2, 3, 4: I think I expanded my taste in music mostly in college. I wasn’t one of those cool kids in high school who knew all about the indie bands and what not. I can attribute the widening of my musical taste to Dan’s mixes. I never grow tired of them and they’re filled with bands that I would have never known. Plus, like India Arie’s albums, each mix reminds me of a certain time or year.

So, I think that’s all for now. I recommend that you take a look through your hundreds or thousands songs you may have and listen to those songs you haven’t heard in some time, the ones you’re embarrassed you still have, the ones that make you giddy or sad… and enjoy a wistful moment.

Snapshot: Letter

I like writing letters and cards. I feel the same glee as when I take a picture with my Polaroid camera. A letter or card captures the thoughts and emotions of a certain moment. A snapshot of one’s mind and heart. The documentation is so immediate, yet the delivery is delayed. It’s quite mysterious and fascinating to me. By the time a person receives a letter or card, the writer may feel entirely different. I suppose this doesn’t relate to the internet or emails as much because one can instantly send and receive letters at the speed of a face-to-face conversation without the actual face-to-face part.

The postal service amazes me. I think there’s something quite special about physically sending and receiving a letter. Is it the physical touch? Perhaps the faint aroma of the writer’s space? The smudge from a chocolate bar, a small splash of transparency from the citric acid that squirted from biting an orange slice? I believe something is lost from our direct connectedness in the form of the internet and cell phones. I find it quite beautiful waiting for a letter, re-reading a letter over and over again while waiting for the next one, contemplating a letter. I think we’ve lost the contemplating and feeling aspects of communication because we simply don’t have time to process.

I suppose I have mixed feelings about it. I like how we can all be so globally connected; I’m a news junkie and love emails, blogging. I guess I just miss letters and waiting. I remember Helen, Lokelani and I used to write letters to one another all the time when we were little. We would mail them during the week because we didn’t go to school together and it was so fun to read about what song they were listening to on the radio, what boy they liked that day, and how they spent their day. I would imagine their rest of the week. I think we’re losing room for imagination.

I recently thought about ending my cell phone service and investing in a house phone with answering machine. Remember those? I think I get so sucked into my cell phone when I’m out and about – driving, walking, shopping, etc. I think it’s time I got off the phone and just enjoyed the moments, lived in the moments. When I’m on the phone while doing any other activity, I’m involved in the conversation. I’m off in some imaginary/real world where conversations take place. Even though my friend’s not physically there with me, I feel that he/she is with me in our conversation world. I think I want to miss and feel the loss/absence of the person, then appreciate the time that we spend together. I feel like I’m missing out on the actual moments before me. I don’t think I’m making much sense because I really like talking with people on the phone, especially when I see something that reminds me of them, or vice versa. I think I can have the best of both worlds somehow.

I miss my Polaroid camera. I should take more pictures. I’m going to start carrying around the clunker again.